Surgeon General's Warning

Consumption of this product could result in fits of hysteria, bleeding of the eyes, nose, ears, as well as suicidal thoughts. Please seek medical attention if you suddenly become pregnant or your erection lasts longer than four hours.

Disclaimer

I do not own Twilight, nor any of its related characters or franchises. I merely aim to clear up some misunderstandings in the original book. Because the story that Miss Meyer wants you to believe is very different from what really happened. Trust me; I'm an expert on sparkly vampires. Edward Cullen is my BFF. I know you're asking "how could you possibly know him?" Well, you never know. Maybe I AM him. Y'know, just food for thought. Anyway, without further ado I present…

IN THIS TWILIGHT

Prologue

Dear journal, today I've decided to write to you about the most amazing dream I had last night. It was so… dazzling.

I had drifted off to sleep sometime after midnight, and awoke to find myself in a lush forest surprisingly lacking any sort of creatures besides myself. I ran my hands through my long, beautiful hair as I took a survey of my surroundings before moving on.

I made it to some kind of clearing that must have been sitting right in the middle of the forest, and there he stood. A beautiful man who stood almost as tall as a tree, hair swept back as if the wind has been blowing through it only seconds before his discovery. He was fairly well built, his open shirt exposing all of his muscles that would normally go unnoticed. And his eyes… they were the most gorgeous shade of green. Or were they black? …Or was it copper?

Oh, nevermind! He was the most perfect man I had ever laid my eyes on, and that's all you need to know. He approached and embraced me, whispering sweet nothings into my ear. And it was then that I noticed that a small ray of sunlight had broken through the trees and covered his neck. It seemed to make his skin… shine? Glitter? Sparkle? Either way, I was surely dazzled.

He took me back to a cabin within the woods, and left me there for what seemed like weeks before reappearing. And then he took me on his bed. It was so fiery and passionate… even if I passed out halfway through it. When I awoke, he was nowhere to be found… but the headboard was broken, and the pillows seemed to have been… bitten into and torn apart.

I then awoke from my splendid dream, and lamented for the loss of my perfect boyfriend. It was then that I knew I could not let him be a lost memory. No, I must write about him. Edward Cullen will not be a memory. He will be real, and he will be played by Brad Pitt! …Or if he's not up for it, I'll just have to ask Robert Pattinson to play his part. It's win/win for me either way.

Oh, Edward Cullen. When I'm through, you'll be a legend. All women shall dream of you and moan your name during their sleep. They will never know a better man. And I'll make millions. MILLIONS! Oh, it's so wonderful.

Now, let's see. A story about a young girl who falls in love with a perfect, brooding stud muffin. Who turns out to be a vampire. And lives with a family of vampires. Who are vegetarians. And play baseball. Super baseball. They also have unique super powers, besides all that inhuman strength from being a vampire. Because vampires are super heroes. I said it, it must be true! Did I mention they sparkle?

They shall be at war with werewolves. Native American werewolves. And then I--- I mean, Bella gets pregnant. And then evil vampires who want to kill the baby show up! But Edward teams up with his rival Jacob Black to destroy them! And they live happily ever after.

I can already smell the money.

~ Stephanie Meyer