Indigo
Prologue:
Instinct made me want to take him to the darkest depths of hell and play with the emotions left hidden, to unveil them and destroy. I never planned to fall for him, he was my brother's best friend, and I, but a pawn in my own game.
The cold voice shot through my head again, like an unwanted virus. It was harsh and demanding, with a feral acidic tone and a hard outer shell that threatened to force me to crumble with a single word. There was something, something different, and odd, and scary about the voice that tried mercilessly to break through, to take over and force me into a state I knew that someday, I would fall into.
With a shaky breath, I only faintly paid attention as my back hit the brick wall behind me. Scratching along the tendons of my back as my knees buckled and I slid down the wall to the floor, my heart pounding throughout my ears and my vision blurring.
There was no one there. No one egging me on or telling me to do this and that. For some time, I had actually been a happy kid. A good child. A pureblood with any and every reason to do anything I wanted just because I could. And one, one person, one year, and one bad experience after another had changed that. And the sad part, was hat it felt like I had done it to myself, and no matter who I turned to, who I looked to for guidance, everyone turned out to be the same.
I had once been the sun on a rainy day, but you can't keep the clouds away forever. And though I hated the rain, the best thing about it, was no one could ever see you cry. Then again, my record for crying was about as strong as my like for rain, which was around the bare minimum.
Now, as the thunder and lightening lit the sky above the tendrils of this ancient castle, I can't help but wish that I was one to be standing in the rain so as no one could see the pain. The heartbreak of loneliness and abandonment.
I heard the wand drop beside me as I pulled my head back and rested it on the cold stones of the rock behind me. With a deep breath, I starred straight ahead at the window before me and watched as the rain poured down in buckets, soaking everything it could reach.
I don't know how long I sat there, how long I waited and watched as the moon set and eventually the sun began to rise. How long it took me to gather my wits and wipe the sleeve of my clothes against the raw skin under my eyes and hoist myself up to a standing position on weak legs.
Subconsciously, I began to walk. And it didn't matter where I was going, or what I was doing, because no one would notice, no one would remember or know where I went, or where I was, or if I was with anybody. That seemed to tear at me the most. The fact that I had once had a family, once lived with friends and surrounded myself with people that loved me for who I was. The high energy, strong and independent girl I had been, and now what I had willingly let them turn me into.
After a while, I stopped, not knowing where I was, or how I had got here as time just seemed to stop all around me. As I watched the door appear before me, I knew my feet had carried me to the right place, I knew I had brought myself to the place I needed to unwind, the place I needed to be.
The room of requirement opened up and as I stepped inside, the door shut behind me as I walked towards the middle of the room where I found the towering four poster bed situated right before the raging fire place. Tiredly, I flipped my shoes off and crawled under the covers. Not sick, or tired, just finished.
It was impossible to tell how long I was there. How long I had laid in that bed and just starred at the flames as they tore at my eyes and made them burn.
I never wanted this. I never wanted to leave, to live with them and learn what it was like. To be forced into the lesson I had fallen into.
Standing from the bed, I slipped my shoes back on and excited the room. What felt like a zombie like trance had taken over, and as my feet carried themselves towards the courtyards beside the school. I looked up to the sky as the grey damp pressure seemed to dawn on me even harder then every before. And starring ahead, I could faintly make out the frames of two students. A girl and a boy. Then more, friends, couples, relatives smiling and laughing and enjoying the rain.
In an instant everything surfaced once again as I began to run. Not knowing where or when I was going to stop or where I wanted to go or be. But knowing that if anything, I just needed to be away from here.
As I stumbled into the forbidden forest, I looked around defeated and dove for the ground as I transformed into my animagus and taking off in a staggering run towards the clearing I had gone to so many times and replaying the scene before my eyes once again.
The way he sat amongst the grass and flowers, stroking her hair as if she were the most precious thing in the world. A breakable piece of magnificent art within the hands of everything she would ever and could ever want. And as I watched them near closer and closer, all I did was sit there and watch it unfold before me. The way he cooed soft nothings into her ear and the way he held her against him, as if he had never held anything so precious.
Within minutes I had stumbled into the same place I had once confided in for everything. My place, my favourite space to lay in at night and watch the stars ahead, to think about my life and everything around me. There was something, something missing and as I watched the flowers and grass flatten across the ground from impact of the rain overhead.
Walking around in the dead silence of the night. I sighed inwardly and looked up to the sky. Howling long and hard as everything around me shattered once again. Forcing myself to relive the pain of everything and everyone to look at me and see something I'm not. The rejection of someone starring at me and seeing something they wished I were and not who I really was.
With no response, I laid down on the wet grass in the pouring rain and prayed for the one thing I had left, the one thing I wished I had more then anyone could ever imagine in the world.
Death.