"Ever After High Celebrity Jeopardy!"
Rated T for language
Disclaimer: I do not own Saturday Night Live, the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches or Ever After High. Ever After High is owned by Mattel and the respective co-authors of the EAH books, Shannon Hale or Suzanne Selfors. Anyway, after watching some Celebrity Jeopardy sketches on YouTube, I thought it would be hilarious to do an Ever After High edition of SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy! And yes, if you're asking, I will do all Ever After High characters two at a time, along with Alex Trebek's sworn enemy, Sean Connery! Anyway, here we go!
P.S.: Some of the characters may end up a little OOC than usual, but hey, what can you expect from one of the greatest skits of Saturday Night Live and two of the greatest characters of the show. Now be forewarned that some of the characters in my fic are well... not that bright. If you all haven't seen the awesome SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits, I recommend you check them out on either YouTube or Dailymotion. It will make you lose your crap all over. Either way, here we go!
Chapter 1: Daring Charming, Apple White and Sean Connery
As the Celebrity Jeopardy song played around the studio, the camera came on to see Daring Charming, Apple White and a certain white bearded scot standing next to their podium while Alex Trebek, who still looked depressed as shit, spoke with such grim passion.
"And welcome back to Ever After High Celebrity Jeopardy." sighed Trebek, "Before we begin Double Jeopardy, I would like to remind our contestants competing today to not shout any death threats towards me. We already had Sparrow Hood doing that once before, we don't need another incident happening like this again. With that said, let's take a look at the scores. Daring Charming is in 1st place with $1."
The camera ended up shifting over to Daring Charming, who started looking at his mirror like always.
"Boy, I look even sexy in this mirror!" Daring smirked like the narcissist he was. "Even my shiny teeth looks sexy as hell."
"Well, that's unhealthy," Trebek groaned once more. "Apple White is in 2nd place with negative -2,000."
After Daring, the camera then shifted over to Apple White, who was looking dainty and cute as ever.
"When I win this money, I'm using all the winnings to create an Apple-shaped pool!" Apple exclaimed, "Oh, and Rosabella can suck it! Daring is mine! ALLLLLLLLLL MIIIIIIINE!"
And then, just to creep Trebek out, Apple White started doing this evil loud laugh which sounded like: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"How strange of you to say that, Miss White," Trebek sighed once more before heading to the last contestant, "And finally, in last place with negative -1,000,000, and God help him... Sean Connery."
The camera then scrolled over to Sean Connery, who was smirking right at Alex Trebek's expense.
"We meet yet again, my white-moustached trash boat." Connery smirked.
"Let's make this fast and get it over with." Trebek sighed.
"That's not what your mother said last night!" Connery exclaimed. "I oughtta know since she loves it nice and slow, Trebek!"
Somehow, Sean Connery ended up laughing right at the host's face, which just annoyed and irritated the host right to the core.
"Way too soon, Connery." Trebek groaned, right before he went to the categories. "Anyway, let's just get to Double Jeopardy. The categories are Potent Potables, Famous Princes Named Harry, Fruits Named 'Apple' - of course, I'll give you a hint: Every answer on that category is 'Apple'. Moving on, Bite Your Nails, Kiss Your Own Ass, Presidents Named Trump, and finally, How Old Are You? Mr. Charming, since you're in the lead, you choose first."
Unfortunately for Alex, Daring wasn't even paying attention to Alex. Instead, he was just too focused on his mirror to even care.
"Mmmm, I would soooooo sleep with me if I had the chance..." Daring smirked sexily.
"Okay, maybe that was a mistake." Trebek groaned. "Miss White, since you're still in first place, why don't you choose?"
"I'll take Fruits Named Me for $1,000,000, Alex." Apple smirked.
"Fruits Named 'Apple' for $600." Trebek said, correcting Apple right before he showed an apple to the contestants. "What is this fruit?"
*BUZZZZZZZZZ!*
"Mr. Connery?" Trebek asked.
"Alex Trebek." Connery smirked.
"Wrong, Mr. Connery, I'm not a fruit." Trebek told Connery. "Anyone else?"
*BUZZZZZZZZZ!*
"Miss White, you have an answer?" asked Trebek.
"I know what it is!" Apple exclaimed.
"Well, tell me then." replied Trebek.
"What is Alex Trebek?" Apple answered idiotically.
"Not even close," Trebek groaned. "Anybody else?"
After he was finally done looking at himself in the mirror, Daring Charming put down his object and pressed the buzzer.
*BUZZZZZZZZZ!*
"Thank goodness," Trebek sighed in relief. "Mr. Charming, what is this fruit?"
"What is Alex Trebek?" Daring answered.
The host was somehow stunned at this ounce of stupidity that both Daring, Apple and Connery had. They couldn't believe that they mistook Trebek as an actual fruit.
"Are you f**king kidding me, now?!" Trebek groaned loudly, "For f**ks sake, the answer was an apple!"
"Are you sure about that, Trebek?" Connery smirked again, "Your moustache looks ripe enough to be one!"
"Are we really gonna start this again, Mr. Connery?" The host rolled his eyes once more.
"Of course, we all know your mother's got the ripest apple I've ever seen!" Connery laughed. "You know how much I like to pluck her from behind!"
Trebek suddenly found himself disgusted by Connery once again, laughing to yet another Trebek's Mom joke.
"I hate you so much, Mr. Connery. Why don't you choose a category already?" asked Trebek.
"Gladly," smirked Connery, "I'll take Famous Pricks Named Harry for $600."
Somehow, Trebek found himself looking at the category board, and realized he saw the words 'Pricks' taped over the word "Princes". It was tight white tape at best as Trebek once again replied with yet another moan.
"I can't believe this, Mr. Connery. Where did you even bring the tape in?!" asked Trebek.
"I ate it and puked it out so you wouldn't know, my dear Schlub!" Connery smirked evilly.
"Oh, god..." Trebek said, trying to hold his bile. "You know what, why don't I choose? How about How Old Are You for $600-"
Before he could even move on to the clue...
*BZZT!*
Daring had buzzed in.
"Yes, Mr. Charming?" Trebek asked.
"I know the answer!" Daring exclaimed.
"I haven't really asked the clue yet, but if you're willing to know right away, go ahead." Trebek nodded.
"You're seven years old." Daring said, pointing to the host.
Trebek somehow was shocked in disbelief.
"No, Daring. Once again, I'm not the clue." Trebek reminded him.
Before he could ever get a chance to explain...
*BZZT!*
Apple had buzzed in.
"What do you want, Miss White?" asked Trebek.
"You're six years old!" answered Apple.
"And you're possibly retarded." Trebek groaned. "Please let me finish this clue: Just exactly how old-"
*BZZT!*
"Mr. Connery, what is it, now?!" Trebek groaned heavily.
"I had sex with your mother last night." smirked Connery.
Apparently, that last comment about his mother forced Alex Trebek to rip out his answer cards right away out of total disgust.
"You know what, forget this." groaned Trebek. "I would have told you how old were you contestants, but since you decided to act like crap-brained idiots, we're moving right to Final Jeopardy. And your Final Jeopardy category is: "Your Best Friend". Just write the name of your best friend, and you will win."
After Trebek was finished with his speech, the "Final Jeopardy" theme song played along, forcing Daring, Apple and Connery to write on their podiums while the music played.
"Remember, all you have to write down the name of your best friend," Trebek told them. "It can be Hunter, or Raven, or Ashlynn or even Cerise. As long as it has your best friend's name, you'll win."
As the song came to an end, Trebek went to Daring's podium, obviously to check up on the answers.
"Well, let's see what masterpieces you came up with," sighed Trebek. "Let's start with Mr. Daring Charming, and he wrote down..."
Daring's answer: A picture of Daring Charming's face
"A picture of what seems to be Daring Charming's face..." said Trebek, who was at a loss for words.
"What can I say, I'm quite an artist." Daring said, smirking on behalf of the host.
"A very bad one I might add," Trebek sighed again, "And your wager is..."
Daring's wager: I'm fabulous, bitch!
"I'm fabulous, bitch." Trebek said, reading the answer carefully.
"GUILLLLLL-TYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Daring said in a metrosexual sing-songy way.
Apparently, Trebek possibly didn't know what to make of Daring Charming in that weird effiminate manner.
"I advise some counseling for you, Mr. Charming," Trebek said before going to Apple's podium, "Okay, Apple White, I've see that you're giddy about this. Lets see what you wrote down..."
Apple's answer: Rosabella Beauty
"Apparently, you wrote down one of your classmates, Rosabella Beauty." said Trebek.
"Yeah, I gotta admit that I've been a little harsh on her just for stealing my supposed prince, but what's done is done, and I'm pretty much happy for her." Apple said, faking what seemed to be a smile on the outside.
"Wow, I'm really surprised you're taking this very well." Trebek smiled.
"Well, always learn to forgive and forget." Apple nodded with a smirk.
"I agree," nodded the host, "Now let's see what you wagered..."
Apple's wager: Can suck it
"Can suck it..." Trebek read in disbelief.
With the host caught in speechless disarray, Apple took the time to talk to the camera in uncharacteristic action.
"That's right, Trebek!" nodded Apple. "Rosabella thinks he can just steal my man just like that? Uh-Uhh! Rosabella, if you watching this, I want you to know that Daring is MY man! So if you know what's good for ya, then you better step off bitch before I'll bend you over unexpectedly and kick your tail old as time! Boooooosh!"
Just to end her little rant, Apple ended up throwing a gang sign to the camera, resulting in cheers from the audience. Daring saw this and was turned on right away by Apple's new street-like manner.
"Apple, that was amazing..." Daring said, feeling a lost for words.
"Thanks." Apple winked in return.
"Wanna do it under the podium?" smirked the blonde-haired prince.
"You don't have to tell me twice!" Apple nodded as she tackled Daring down to the floor.
From down there, resulted in a very hot and heavy make-out session between both Daring and Apple, whose kiss was being intoxicated all around by Daring's lips. Knowing that Trebek was creeped out a little bit by this scene, he decided to ignore the two lovebirds and approach Sean Connery right away.
"Well, I think I might have lost my appetite," Alex replied. "Over to you, Mr. Connery. You wrote down..."
Connery's answer: Trebek
Seeing this answer, Trebek's jaw hit the floor, looking stunned as ever to see Connery in this sudden change of light.
"You just happened to write down me," Trebek replied. "I'm stunned beyond belief."
"Well, lad... you deserve it for having me as a guest on your show throughout these years." Connery said, patting the host on the shoulder. "Sure, I may make fun of you and that spermy little moustache on your face, but I only do that because I love ya to death, Trebek. I really do, you know."
"Wow, I never expected to hear you say that, Sean. That really means that much to me." Trebek replied, surprisingly pleased at his rival's change of heart.
"Yeah, I try." Connery shrugged in appreciation.
"Well, you exceeded well, Sean." Trebek nodded. "Now let's see what you wagered..."
Connery's wager: Is an assface
"Is an assface..." Trebek said, going from cheerful to disbelief in record time.
As he was once again speechless, Connery decided to laugh at his face like the scoundrel Scot that he was.
"What the hell was I thinking?" muttered the host.
"Hey, at least you got the butt-hair fuzz down, Trebek!" Connery smirked. "It's the same as your moustache!"
"You disgust me, Mr. Connery." Trebek growled to Connery before facing the camera. "Well, that's all for Celebrity Jeopardy. If anyone needs me, I'll be sticking my head in the oven. Good night."
And with that, Trebek left the Jeopardy set feeling humiliated and defeated like always, while at the same time ignoring the private time between one Mr. Daring Charming and one Mrs. Apple White.
Well, wasn't that fun?
I'm certain this won't be the last time we heard of Sean Connery or Alex Trebek, so expect them to show up in every chapter I can think of. Also, I can't imagine Apple talking all street and flat out name call, but like I said, expect some weirdness out of your favorite characters. Who will be next two to go alongside Connery? Next chapter will be interesting, so expect it soon! Feedbacks are appreciated and welcomed! Until next time, BUCK FUTTER!