Moments in Time
Author: Mystic Dodo
Published: March 2015
A/N: This was born purely because I wanted to write some angst. Bittersweet angst? Just so much angst.
Warnings: post series, alcohol, mentions of revolutionshipping (Yami x Anzu), mentions of prideshipping (Yami x Kaiba), mentions of replayshipping (Yuugi x Rebecca)...
It may have been when they shared a body. It may have been that first night. It may have been months after that, rubbing Yami's back as the older man sobbed in heartbreak. It may have been years before back when he would wake up not knowing what had happened but having a sense that somebody was looking out for him.
Yuugi fell in love with somebody he would never have.
He wasn't supposed to love the other half of his soul. He wasn't supposed to love a man he was essentially a reincarnation of. He wasn't supposed to fall in love with another man… He had hoped the feelings would fade once the shock had gone. But yet, years later….
Something shifted beside him and Yuugi didn't even have to look to know that it was Yami, fast asleep and no doubt dreaming about his latest break up. His skin always felt alive when Yami was nearby, tingling with electricity. Still, Yuugi blinked open his eyes and turned his head to where he knew his darkness would be laying. Even in the morning light, hair ruffled with stress, eyes puffy due to falling asleep crying, Yami was beautiful.
Yuugi felt like he was breathing in stale air. His chest ached and his head pounded, body protesting as he gently pushed himself from the crowded single bed, stumbling towards the bathroom. As scolding water cascaded down his body he began to feel faint and he slumped against the shower wall, head in his hands. He was tired. He was sad. He was empty. He was entirely defeated. Love wasn't supposed to hurt so much, was it?
Yet when he left the bathroom and saw his bed empty, Yami having disappeared and taking his scattered clothes with him, Yuugi fell back into it and closed his eyes. He hugged the pillow Yami had been sleeping on, mascara marks dotting the fabric, and breathed in deeply, trying to resist the urge to cry.
He wished he didn't have a heart.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
YGO-YGO-YGO
The day that Yami turned his back on the Afterlife and declared how he wanted to stay was both the best and worst day of Yuugi's short life. Of course he was ecstatic! He had still been kneeing on the floor where he had fallen and barely able believe his ears when his heard the deep, soothing voice say "I can't leave. My heart belongs here."
Everybody had glomped on Yami's body – Yami's body – and ruffled his hair and clapped him on the shoulder, hugging and tugging and feeling him and Yami was laughing, a light flush across his face and there were celebrations that lasted well into sunrise the next day. And Yuugi had stood on the sidelines, speechless, unable to believe what had happened. He could not take his eyes off the person who had shared his mind for the past two years who was now alive and able to interact like a real person, not a Spirit. And Yami was having so much fun and nobody could get enough of him.
It wasn't until everybody had exhausted themselves that Yuugi was able to touch the soft, warm skin of his other half. Everybody had been drinking and were slumped in the biggest room of the boat that they had used, pillows and duvets making a large, group makeshift bed.
Yuugi had left when, despite the aching of his eyes, he couldn't sleep. He had wondered off to his own bedroom, the one that he had previous occupied with Yami, and sat down at the table where he had prepared his deck. His fingers restlessly flitted through them and he was so lost in thought, so numb, that he didn't hear somebody enter his room.
"Aibou?"
Yuugi blinked up at Yami who had had more than his fair share of alcohol. His eyes were unfocused and he looked ruffled, but he smiled at Yuugi and it made his heart hurt.
"Aibou."
It was unspoken but Yuugi understood (how could he not?). He stood on weak knees before standing less than a few inches away from Yami's frame. They were the same height. And Yuugi touched Yami's face with shaking hands and he started to cry yet again.
Perhaps they were overwhelmed and tired and drunk but they never spoke of what happened after that initial contact. It was almost like they were ashamed… ashamed of how quickly their clothes were thrown off their bodies and how they fell into bed, kissing and touching desperately like if they stopped then they would die. Ashamed of how many times they had cried each other's names into their shoulders, seed sticking to their sweaty bodies and it was like they were drowning in each other, fingernails grasping desperately, open mouthed kisses against heated skin, tears and smiles and finally Yami collapsed into sleep.
Yet despite the exhaustion, physical and mental and emotional, Yuugi still couldn't sleep and he returned to his seat, cards being held limply in his hands as he watched the sun creep higher in the sky, hearing Yami breath. And all too soon, everybody was also awake and wanting Yami to be with them and Yuugi was somewhat grateful that Yami had dressed after their activities but also hating it as well because couldn't they see that Yuugi should be the one who had his darkness's sole attention?
They hadn't even returned to Domino, Japan, when Anzu and Yami declared their new found relationship.
Yuugi congratulated the two despite the way he felt like he was suffocating, body still aching after their stolen few hours together, and the first thing he did when they reached the Kame Shop was jump in the shower and scrubbed his skin raw… trying to get rid of the bruises, the shadow of scratch marks, the sensation of Yami's fingertips pressing into his skin, trying to wash away the memory. Yet more often than not he stopped and stared at the hickeys on his neck, that had been carefully hidden by his choker, and it was like the only proof that what happened had happened.
It took days for them to fade and during that time he didn't see Yami, who had not left Anzu's side. When the light and darkness did meet again the marks had faded on Yuugi's skin but were instead displayed proudly on Anzu's slender neck and it was like it never happened.
It never happened.
Maybe Yuugi fell in love with Yami when the then spirit said that he wanted to be with Yuugi forever, even if he didn't get his memories back. Back when touches felt like static electricity and it was just the two of them and Yuugi was the reason Yami was there, but Yami was the reason why he had friends.
He had half expected everybody to leave him when Yami gained his own body but it didn't happen.
Why did that cause pain when it shouldn't have?
Yuugi was never once left out by his friends actions; mostly it was due to his own, where he claimed headaches and feeling under the weather and needing to catch up on school work whenever he was invited out. He tried desperately to convince himself that his excuses were true but in reality he couldn't stand watching Yami and Anzu's physical contact.
His grandfather, his wonderful, understanding Grandfather, would hug Yuugi to his chest during those evenings. They would watch TV, drink hot chocolate, and Sugoroku didn't have to ask because he knew (though to what extent Yuugi never asked) and they could sit and talk about nothing and it was so refreshing to have quality time with his grandfather…
Jii-chan explained about the Millennium Items and Yami to Yuugi's mother. Together they cleared out the study and made it into Yami's room but he rarely stayed in the house for more than a few hours, let alone long enough to sleep. Despite this Yuugi decorated Yami's room anyway, with warm golds and reds, with silk sheets thrown on the bed and some of the trophies that Yami had won when possessing Yuugi's body placed proudly on floating shelves.
"You will always be important to him, my boy," Jii-chan would say every evening to Yuugi when he got lost in his thoughts.
"I know Jii-chan, and he will always be important to me," Yuugi would reply with a soft smile. He didn't mention how thinking about the ex Pharaoh made him feel sick and sometimes he felt so full of anger he thought he was going to explode. He didn't explain to any of his friends – not even Jounouchi, who wasn't so wrapped up in Yami to notice that his best friend was acting out of sorts – that he sometimes wished that Yami hadn't decided to stay because now things were so complicated and Yuugi kept getting ill with stress.
He wasn't lying when he exclaimed his happiness, joy and gratefulness at his darkness staying, though.
Sometimes, just sometimes, Yuugi felt like he could still sense Yami. A crushing sense of insecurity and panic would tingle at the back of his mind and Yuugi would silently watch his other half when the gang was together to see if he could notice via body language if Yami did indeed feel like he was spinning out of control. The darker skinned man only ever stood tall, a smirk on his face, his crimson eyes sparkling as he duelled with Kaiba and Jounouchi and Otogi and Mai and the others he had impressed with his skills.
Yuugi's deck hadn't been touched since that night.
Weeks later, Yuugi was glaring apprehensively at the golden box that held his cards, debating if he should duel again to see if he could feel more like himself when Yami stumbled into Yuugi's room, eyes dazed and breath tinted with alcohol.
It was almost like déjà vu but Yuugi was careful to not be too close as Yami explained breathlessly, eyes wide, like he couldn't quite believe what he had done, that he had broken up with Anzu because she "wasn't what [he] wanted".
And suddenly, Yuugi had the attention of the girl he once crushed over, rubbing her back as she cried about the break up. He soothed her, made her cups of tea, handed her tissues and provided as a distraction until she would offer a watery smile at Yuugi before pressing a kiss against his cheek. A lifetime ago Yuugi would have blushed to extreme levels and fantasise about Anzu's declaration of love but now, feeling jilted and raw, Yuugi felt nothing but empathy for the girl. She may not know it but his heart had been broken by the ex Spirit too.
They sat together once more when it came to lunch at college, talking about everything but Yami, and share tentative laughs at their memories before the Millennium Items became a thing.
Yet one night, after an emotional movie and too much silence, Anzu breached the forbidden topic. "Do you ever," she began softly, hesitating at the end of every word, "do you ever wish things ended up differently?"
He knew what she meant. She knew that he knew what she meant, but Yuugi pushed a smile on his face and would joke about how he wished the paparazzi would leave them all alone. It would be fantastic to be the King of Games without the publicity. "Some privacy would be nice!". Sweet Anzu would laugh softly and not press the conversation further.
When the gang left the college building one day Anzu and Yuugi was careful to avoid each others' eyes when they – and their peers – saw how Kaiba had Yami pressed up against a wall and was kissing him senseless. Jounouchi had scoffed before yelling "get a room!", Honda rolled his eyes with a mutter of "seriously?" and Ryou stayed silent. Anzu had quickly rushed off to dance practise and Yuugi had been desperately thinking of an excuse to not spend time with Honda and Jounouchi when Ryou came to the rescue.
"You said you were going to help me with the homework, remember Yuugi?" and he nodded in shocked agreement, thankful at the excuse, before the two began to walk towards Ryou's apartment. The white haired man sat Yuugi down and stared at him until Yuugi felt the tell tale signs of tears prickling at his eyes. Ryou didn't have to ask anything, or do anything, until Yuugi began to rant.
Rant of emptiness. Uncertainty. Insecurity. Guilt. Shame. Desire. Confusion. Anger.
And Ryou was a comforting shoulder, somebody who didn't love the Spirit but had been influenced by one and he did not judge or misunderstand or say that Yuugi had no right to feel like he had lost something that was his.
Ryou just listened and after it all, when Yuugi was still pacing across the space of the apartment, he said, "he loves you, you know."
YGO-YGO-YGO
When Kaiba and Yami fought – which was often – Yuugi was the one that Yami came to, eyes bright and voice loud.
Yuugi almost felt important again when Yami would rant and rave about Kaiba's stubbornness and stupidity and ignorance. He looked so alive with his red eyes blazing and body throbbing with energy and Yuugi never really needed to say anything before Yami had exhausted himself. Then he would smile that soft smile that only Yuugi ever saw and say "you're the best, Aibou. Thank you," and touch his hand gently.
It burned like hell.
And Yuugi could almost believe that he still mattered to Yami during those times… and friends, they told each other the truth, right? Jounouchi kept taking Yuugi to the side, said how he had heard from Mai and Otogi and whoever else about Yami's activities. Yuugi should say something, do something, because Yami was acting like a whirlwind and Yuugi was the only one who could calm him. He had only ever been the one to calm Yami.
Yuugi knew he wouldn't be Yami's favourite after this particular Kaiba related rant, when he croaked his unused voice, uttering words that made Yami pause in shock.
"Don't you think you're being too careless, Yami?"
Because he wasn't Mou Hitori no Boku anymore yet the name felt wrong on his tongue. And Yami was staring at Yuugi like he had never seen him before.
"What?" Yami demanded seconds later, his eyes once again blazing.
Yuugi had changed during the year that Yami had his own body. He would have backed down because nothing was worth his darkness's displeasure but Yuugi was tired and sore and things had changed, everything had changed, and they were no longer kids.
"You need to calm down," Yuugi said softly. "You drink too much. You're out too much. You don't seem to realise what your actions are doing to those around you."
Yami would have previously listened to Yuugi but he had changed too... and this time, Yami didn't want to listen, too fuelled by his irrational side, and he glared at Yuugi, his face twisted in a scowl. "What do you know? You don't talk to me anymore, Yuugi."
They had fought before but never to the extent that followed. Yuugi was so numb from feeling nothing that it was exhilarating to feel again, even if it was anger and hurt. And Yami didn't seem to know whether he was coming or going and lashed out accordingly, using Yuugi's secrets as a knife and cutting wounds into Yuugi's confidence.
They drew the attention of Sugoroku and Mrs Mutou as they screamed at one another. And as Yuugi glared venomously down at Yami – because he had grown during the last 12 months – he could understand how love and hate could be so close to one another.
When Yami stormed away not long after, slamming the door hard enough that the foundations rattled, Yuugi threw himself onto his bed and howled. He took it back; he didn't want to feel.
It was said that time heals all wounds and it was true. Yuugi and Yami wordlessly patched up their relationship by avoiding talking about what happened. It wasn't perfect but Yuugi now believed that perfection was just a myth.
He was on placement at college when he bumped into Rebecca. Time had been good to them both, it seemed. A few days later Yuugi was preparing for his date when Yami fell into his bedroom, once again stunned into a shocked silence. He had left Kaiba.
It didn't matter that Yuugi was already late because he had spent too long staring at himself in the mirror and wondering if that night, years ago, really did happen. Something must have because he wasn't the same… but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't recall Yami's scent or touch or sounds. He had changed and he wondered when and how it could have happened. Was it that night? Was it before? Did love really make the person staring back at you in the mirror a stranger?
But some things hadn't changed despite the passage of time and that was how he would always put Yami first. So he called up Rebecca, apologised and turned his phone off as he settled himself into spending the next few hours soothing Yami, rubbing his tense back and making comforting noises.
Yami seemed to have an inability to be alone. He constantly demanded Yuugi's attention, as well as that of their friends, and he was quite unpredictable and territorial about what he thought of as his. Yuugi's relationship with Rebecca barely lifted from the ground when it was broken off because Yami was being so possessive but in a way Yuugi felt like he alive again. He was dizzy by the onslaught of affection and attention, even if Yami's constantly messaging him during college distracted him from his work and his grades began to suffer.
No matter what the two always ended up gravitating towards one another. It was impossible to stay away, impractical to separate the two, not to mention unfathomable to those on the outside of their little world. Yuugi knew it must have seemed self destructive, to continue to allow Yami to act as he was, because during the last year and a half he had learned to live without the darkness and was becoming his own person, and had given it all up with just a snap of Yami's fingers.
He couldn't explain it, other than he needed Yami, and being broken by him made him feel more alive… more so than grades and building up a foundation for his future. Jounouchi and Anzu had spoken to him about it on more than one occasion because Yuugi was throwing it all away and they all knew that Yami knew what he was doing. He knew he had the power and the control. He knew that, out of everyone in the World, the two could influence the other the most and it was both beautiful and ugly because their relationship wasn't normal but it was special in its devastation.
Love wasn't supposed to hurt as much as it did and Yuugi still sometimes looked at Yami and felt hatred stirring in his stomach.
YGO-YGO-YGO
"What is your biggest regret, Yuugi?"
He looked up from his university application, staring at Yami who in turn stared outside. It was almost like he hadn't spoken.
"What?"
Yuugi was about to return to the paperwork after a minute of silence before Yami spoke again. "What is your biggest regret?"
Yuugi set down his pen and frowned at Yami, unsure of what to say. Because there was so many things that he regretted but he still wasn't sure if he was allowed to feel that way because if he did, would that mean he would have been happier if Yami had went on to the Afterlife?
Yami was still gazing out the window when he replied, as though he was asking himself the question rather than Yuugi. "I regret all the times I lied to myself." And he looked so solemn, so old, that Yuugi pushed himself from his desk and placed a hand on Yami's shoulder.
They were careful about touching one another; had been for all these years. And Yuugi remembered why when his skin blistered purely due to Yami's body heat. Yami shuddered under the pressure but he reached up and tangled his fingers within Yuugi's and it took far too long to untangle from each other when Jii-chan called up the stairs for dinner.
YGO-YGO-YGO
Honda, Jounouchi, Rebecca, Ryou, Anzu, Otogi, Mai, even Kaiba, were all there to celebrate Yuugi's acceptance into University.
He blushed and grinned self consciously when his grandfather made a speech, but he couldn't ignore the way that Yami walked out of the room. Nobody else noticed.
Yuugi was tired, though. He didn't follow Yami.
Hours went and there was so much laughter and memories and jokes. There was the warm sensation of feeling like he belonged and he was so lucky to have these people, these friends, in this life. They supported him and wanted him to do what he needed. They offered advice and tips and arranged for days out before Yuugi left in a few months time.
They brought him drinks and they took stupid photos with their cameras. They marvelled at how tall their "little Yuugi" had grown. He would never be a Jounouchi or a Honda but he at least rivalled Otogi. They laughed and joked and gushed and Yuugi didn't have the heart to tell them that though he had been accepted he wasn't actually going to go.
He had never been one for lying but Yuugi was just so tired now. He didn't want to deal with questions of disbelief and outrage and shock and it was easier to pretend. So much easier.
He pretended he didn't care that Yami wasn't celebrating with them.
He pretended that he was excited about the prospect of going to University.
He pretended that he was happy.
He pretended that the lying didn't make him want to break down into tears and sleep for a week.
When he walked into his room he wasn't surprised to see Yami lying on his bed, an arm thrown over his eyes. They were the same in many ways. Yuugi just sighed and softly shut the door. He undressed, changed into pyjamas and lay down next to Yami. Even in a single bed they still were careful to not touch.
Yuugi waited and soon enough Yami was the one that set forth the domino effect.
"I don't want you to go," the deep voice admitted quietly.
Yuugi kept his eyes trained at the ceiling as he replied, "I don't want to go either."
Yami had not been expecting to hear that and Yuugi tried not to flush when he felt a heavy gaze land on the side of his face. He could feel Yami's shock and Yuugi only chucked softly to himself when he turned to meet fire red eyes. "I'm tired, Yami," Yuugi admitted, his voice catching in his throat.
And he did not have to say anymore because Yami understood. The realisation dawned in his eyes and his body relaxed against the too small bed, his breath ghosting over Yuugi's skin. "I am too."
And it was like the past few years hadn't been killing them both because being able to say those two words – "I'm tired", which was the lid to so many emotions and thoughts and feelings and actions – suddenly had them giggling and they were seventeen again, when things were good; like they weren't bruised by suppressed desires or confused awkwardness or the unfamiliarity of suddenly having a choice. Overwhelmed. Stunned. Awed.
It was just the two of them again.
They didn't have to pretend anymore.
Their game had gone on for far too long and they were tired.
Yuugi reached out and Yami reached toward and their hands connected and they didn't have to say a word because they both knew. Yuugi knew about Yami's doubt, fear and confusion. Yami knew about Yuugi's uncertainty and insecurity.
They knew about each others' desires to protect one another but in the end they both got hurt and had hurt others in the long run.
Love wasn't supposed to hurt, was it?
Living wasn't supposed to be so painful.
But that night Yuugi and Yami fell asleep in each others' arms and Yuugi's last thought, as he drifted to sleep blanketed in Yami's scent, was that the World didn't feel like it was spinning anymore.
"I don't want you to go," Yami repeated hours later, dragging Yuugi from sleep. Maybe Yuugi had truly fallen in love with Yami then because for the first time in far too long he didn't wake up feeling sick.
"I know," the duelist mumbled in return, keeping his eyes closed. He could feel Yami shifting and he felt his skin warm – not burn – at Yami's hesitant touch.
"You were going to leave."
Yuugi exhaled softly, still not daring to open his eyes. "I know."
"You said you didn't want to."
"I know."
And Yami was still and silent for so long that Yuugi had to open his eyes, and Yami looked so troubled that he wished he hadn't.
"Was it because of me?"
Yuugi was so tired of lying. "Yes."
You scared me. My feelings scared me. I was scared. Everything changed in a few seconds and I've been trying to find my feet all this time.
Yuugi licked his lips and locked eyes with Yami, asking the question that had been keeping him awake for the past few years. "You were going to leave as well," he said quietly and Yami flinched as though he had been hit.
"I know."
"You stayed."
"Yes."
And it took a few skipped heartbeats before Yuugi muttered "why?". He knew the answer. How could he not? But there was something soothing, something relaxing, about hearing the words coming from Yami's mouth after so long of waiting.
"You," Yami mumbled.
Perhaps being so close had meant that they felt like they didn't need to talk to one another to understand but that wasn't the case. Because time after time humans proved to be complex beings and everything was all the more complicated when you had shared a mind. When that mode of communication was taken away you'd have to learn a new kind but theirs had been through alcohol and avoidance and it was sad, really, to think about it.
He didn't want to misunderstand anymore.
"When?"
Yami chuckled. "I'm not sure," he said. "It could have been before you completed the puzzle. It could have been after. It could have been during a duel. It might have been when we were faced with the real possibility that we were going to be separated… and I realised that my promises to you throughout the years meant nothing."
"Forever," Yuugi mumbled and the word hung in the air like a noose.
"I can't stand being alone," Yami whispered, fingers reaching out to tangle with Yuugi's again.
"I gathered," Yuugi squeezed the fingers wrapped in his own.
"I don't know when to stop," the darkness warned and Yuugi couldn't help but giggle.
"That has always been a problem of yours."
Things had changed and Yuugi had spent the last few years waiting for Yami to stop spinning; to stop destructing, because they weren't one in the same anymore. Yuugi had always been the light, the one to restrain Yami when he went too far. His forgiveness, his understanding, his ability to give people second chances… Yami, for all of his maturing and developing, still couldn't do it without Yuugi's help. It was why everyone begged him to talk to Yami, to calm him down, because out of everyone, everybody knew that Yuugi was the one who was Yami's centre.
But Yami had made the choice to stay and Yuugi hated that it had taken Yami so long to realise how to stop because love was supposed to make you feel like you were on top of the World, not being crushed beneath it. Love was supposed to make everything clearer, not turn existence on its head.
They had never quite been normal.
Yuugi needed Yami to realise when to stop and he had waited all this time. He had nearly given up. He was going to go to University to do a course he had little interest in because he needed to stop waking up in the morning and hope that today would be the day that everything fell into place. It had been killing him.
"I'm insane, Yuugi," Yami whispered. "I like to think I have control but I don't. I don't know limitations or boundaries and I've carelessly hurt our friends. I'm afraid." The bed seemed too big and Yuugi snuggled closer to Yami, resting his head on Yami's collarbone. "I wasn't ready to leave you but ended up doing so in every other way."
Yuugi couldn't find the words to comfort the closest person to his heart. The conversation felt sour and long overdue and Yuugi had spent so many nights wondering what he would say in such a situation. He almost laughed at the irony that now that the time had arrived, he had nothing to say.
"I don't want to feel lost anymore," Yami finally whispered. He shifted around and placed a hand against Yuugi's chest. "Here… this is my home."
Yuugi had been the one to defeat Yami in the Ceremonial Duel. He had been ready, despite his tears. Yami hadn't been.
"I want to be with you forever," Yami repeated the words he had said so long ago and this time they were able to seal the declaration with a kiss.
Perhaps the best way to describe their relationships, with all of their ups and downs and misunderstandings, was how it was fated. Or, perhaps, destiny. Because despite it all Yuugi still couldn't truly pinpoint when he fell in love with Yami. Perhaps he always had been.