There are some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
She's your sister. Those three words kept on replaying in his mind. Again and again, like a broken tape recorder. He wanted to run away from New York, to find somewhere he could pick up the pieces of his already broken heart, to be away from her because seeing her just made the pain worse. Ever since that day when her father, our father, he corrected himself, revealed his identity, she hadn't spoken a single word to him about it. Not that he wanted her to. Seeing her was just a painful reminder of what he wanted but couldn't have. All she said to him when she came over to the Institute was businesslike and formal, or things like just 'hi' and 'bye'. The gaping hole in his heart remained open even as he tried to brush everything off with a smile.
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while
She couldn't handle seeing him again after Renwick's. All the good fortune she thought she had when she found him was just a fluke. She often thought he was way too perfect and unattainable for someone like her. Little did she expect he was the ultimate 'unattainable' guy she would ever know- he was her brother. It was so wrong to even think that they could have something else between them. So wrong that it was so right.
She spent most of her time with Simon, because he was the balm to her pain. He was there for her, and he had always been there for her way before she met Jace. She cried her heart out as he patted her shoulders gently, she wallowed in self-pity as he sat next to her without saying a single word. His presence was soothing, but it was only temporary.
You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before
As soon as she was back home, all she could think of was Jace, his golden eyes, his soft hair and his annoying smirk she had grown to love. She missed the snarky comments he made in response to what she said and the feel of him when he wrapped his arms around her.
He spent his time hunting down demons with Isabelle and Alec. With everything he had pent up inside him, he stabbed the Ravener again and again. But each stab didn't make him feel any better. He continued stabbing the demon until his seraph blade hit the concrete ground, the spot where the demon used to be before it vanished to its home dimension. His hair was disheveled, his clothes torn and stained with black demon blood and he was panting for breath. To Isabelle, he looked like a wreck. Not that he wasn't usually like this after a hunt. But this time, he was both a physical and emotional wreck.
"Jace!" she yelled at him, as he continued staring at the ground.
"What?" he yelled back at her.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Nothing." He stood up, brushing some non-existent dirt off his shoulders. "I'm beat. Can we go back?"
"Something is wrong, Jace, and I need you to tell us what is wrong."
He refused to answer her and stormed off to the one place he knew he wouldn't be bothered by all these questions. He hated that people kept asking what was wrong with him. Because everything was wrong with him. He hated how they looked at him with pity in their eyes. He didn't need their pity. That was the last thing he needed. They wouldn't understand what he was feeling, they wouldn't understand how living hell was like, they wouldn't understand how much it hurt to love someone in a way you couldn't and weren't supposed to love her.
Luke wasn't surprised to see him. Especially so after the last time he was there, and nearly tearing apart the bar with his fights. He liked Luke, because Luke didn't ask questions. Luke just allowed him to crash on the couch in his office for as long as he wanted.
Slowly, he drifted off to sleep, vaguely aware someone had appeared outside Luke's office and was talking to Luke in hushed voices. It was a girl's voice. It was familiar, but he was too far gone to try recognizing it.
She found him sleeping on Luke's couch in the office and sighed. When he slept, he looked terribly young and vulnerable, she thought, the planes of his face softened and he seemed peaceful. She sat on the couch next to him and laced her fingers in his hair. That was all she could do for him right now. We're falling apart and coming together again and again
We're coming apart, but we pull it together, pull it together, together again.
He woke up, and found himself looking up into her eyes. He flinched in surprise and she drew back, a little hurt. Sitting up, he turned to look at her.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.
"Isabelle called me. She said you might need someone to talk to."
"I don't need anyone to talk to."
"Jace." Her shoulders slumped slightly. "It's been hard for the both of us. But you do know that you can always talk to me if there's anything, right?"
"No, I can't, Clary. I can't."
"Why?" She bit her lip, like she always did when she was anxious.
"Because it's so goddamn painful talking to you. Because seeing you just makes it so much more painful. Because knowing you are my sister doesn't change how I feel for you and I know it should have changed. I should not be feeling this way. I should feel like how a brother feels for his sister, and not feeling like some part of me has died. Dammit."
She kept quiet. The silence was unbearable.
"Say something, Clary. Please…"
"How do you think this makes me feel, Jace? Wanting to say something to you each time I see you at the Institute, but yet I can't because I'm afraid it'll just make things worse. I can't live my life pretending I don't feel anything for you, because I just can't, okay?"
"Clary…"
She hastily wiped away the tears that threatened to spill from the corner of her eyes before he could see them.
"Is it okay if I move a little closer to you?" she asked him.
He hesitated. As if she had read his mind, she assured him, "Just for today."
He nodded mutely and she moved closer to him. He wrapped her in his arms and she leaned against him, listening to his heartbeat. This was enough. For now.
Don't let me go,
Don't let me go,
Don't let me go,
Don't let me go,
Don't let me go,
Don't let me go