I Can Change, Linda, I Can Really Change!
Vince goggled open-mouthed into the face of his estranged wife, Linda. He had been, literally, caught with his pants down.
"Linda…it…uh, wasn't what it looked like, re-really." He stammered as the cameras rolled off.
"Vince, I think I've heard this all before…." Linda said, her voice trailing off, her hands falling off her hips to her sides.
"Linda…I…I love you…."
"No, Vince; you don't," Linda, said, sounding truly hurt, "you love your money and you don't want to see it hurt."
Vince gulped, and looked to the ground.
"Now, Vince. I will see you tomorrow. And yes, I will be with my lawyers."
Vince got to his feet, and galloped – as fast as his pants would let him – towards Linda.
"Linda…I have to tell you…we can't throw our love away. I – we – created life together! Shane and Stephanie, damn it, Linda, we can't hurt them by divorcing!"
Linda laughed. "Vince, you've already hurt Shane more than you will ever know." She shook her head. "Now, if you'll excuse me…I'll be leaving."
Vince watched her leave, and threw his hands in the air in exasperation. He had to make her see…he couldn't let her go…for many reasons.
An idea hit him.
"Linda! Wait!"
She turned around, and looked at him.
Vince cleared his throat. And he sang.
"Some people say that I'm a bad guy;
They may be right. They may be right.
But it's not as if I don't try –
I just fuck up, try as I might.
And baby; please try to forgive me…
Stay here; don't put out the glow
Hold me now; don't bother… every second it makes me weaker
Can you save me from the man I've become?
Oh, I think not – 'cause I'm Vince McMahon, damn it!
But I can show you the shape of my heart!
But, maybe I can change! Yes, yes, yes, yes, I can!
I can change, I can change
I know I've been a dirty little bastard
I like to beat up my son, I like my hot single women – yes I'm insane but that's okay 'cause I can change!
Yes, I can change, I can change…
I wanna tell ya that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused
I've been listening to your reasoning it makes more sense to me
Wanna tell you that I'm sorry for it all
So will you please listen to my song?
Linda, I can change
I can show you the shape of my heart
But baby; please try to forgive me
I love you, though I'm a lousy father and a terrible husband
I love you, and, Linda baby, I can change, I can change
'Cause I'm a changed man."
Vince, exhausted, fell to the ground, panting.
All the time Vince was singing, Linda had been staring at him in amazement.
Linda kneeled down at looked at Vince, who was rolling around on the floor gasping for air.
"You really think that a song is going to fix everything?" she asked, not sure if she should laugh or cry.
"I was hoping." Vince said. He got to his knees, and threw a half-grin at her.
"Well, maybe it would have. But all you did was steal lyrics from other bands' songs!"
Vince sighed, his smile fading. "Linda, I'm no songwriter. But, I did arrange them in a strange but heartwarming way."
Linda rolled her eyes, looking away from Vince.
Vince smiled. "You have to admit that it was creative."
She still didn't say anything.
Vince shrugged. "Hey, if that's how you feel about it." He sighed, and walked out of the laundry room.
Linda turned around. "Vince…wait."
He turned around.
She held out her arms. Vince grinned, and ran back and hugged her.
"I really do love you, honey." Vince said. All though, a small part of it is for the money. He shrugged that thought off.
"I know…we have to work this out." Linda whispered.
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Outside the laundry room doors stood Stone Cold Steve Austin and Kurt Angle. Steve was peering through the windows, watching his Vince singing to Linda and apologizing and basically looking like a complete jackass.
"Hey, only I can do that!" Steve roared in outrage as Linda hugged Vince.
Kurt shook his head. "It looks like you lost your boyfriend." He started to snicker.
"You, you mealy-mouthed bastard!" Steve yelled. "Don't you dare laugh. I just lost him!" He whirled back around, and watched as Vince grinned like a jackass and hugged Linda.
Kurt continued to grin. "Well, Steve. I know this guy from college. I can hook him up with you. Want his number? Maybe his email?"
Steve shook his head. "Vince was my one and only."
Kurt's grin faded. "Um, Steve…I think I'll let you alone." He backed away, slowly. After a while, he began to run.
When he was far enough away, he shouted, "Man, that guy is a nutcase!"
Slowly, Steve turned away from the laundry room doors. He let a single tear fall down his face. It was really over. Vince had decided that his loyalties and love lay with Linda. Somehow, his tears wouldn't stop.
His face filled with tears, his voice filled with sadness, he called after Kurt, "Hey, Kurt…can I have that guy's number?"
THE END
Disclaimer: South Park and Comedy Central own "I Can Change", which is off of the "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" CD. Shaggy owns "It Wasn't Me." The Backstreet Boys own "Show You the Shape of My Heart." I made up the song Vince sang by cutting pieces of those songs up and placing them in weird order, and adding some words of my own. I own this story (like anyone else wants it) and Vinnie Mac himself owns the World Wrestling Federation.
Now, It's midnight, and I will be heading to bed.
Note: I know that in all probability, Linda will NOT welcome Vince back with open arms, but I thought that the idea of Vince singing to her was funny. Have a nice day everyone.