After the day with Ditzy, my mind started to drift to thoughts of my father, Time Turner, or as he was also known as, the Doctor. The Doctor and I never really got along, which was neither of our faults, he didn't know how to be a father, and I didn't know how to be a Time Lord. We tried our best to get by without my mother, but no matter how hard we tried, we would always revert back to bickering and locking ourselves in separate parts of the TARDIS. Eventually, after many heated discussions, we came to an...understanding, so to speak...
He dropped me off three years before I was born, to live my life as a normal pony (this was only temporary however, for reasons I don't want to get into just yet) while he continued to save the universe by himself.
It wasn't ideal but...well it wasn't ideal. He never really spent much time with me other than the occasional, "I forgot my sonic-screwdriver in the TARDIS, bring it to me!" But it's not like I can blame him, it's not easy saving the world for a living and being a father at the same time.
Regardless on whether I still hold a grudge or not, my short time with my mother reminded me how much I missed the aspect of having my father around in my life. Sure, he wasn't perfect, but that didn't matter, he was family...he and the TARDIS were the only home I really knew; well, besides my mother's home in Ponyville, but I only lived there until I was nine or so and well I couldn't really go there now could I? After all I haven't been born yet and Ditzy doesn't really know who I am, besides a crazy stallion who almost cost her a job...
I wanted to go home...but where was home? The TARDIS could be anywhere in time and even if I did find it, there was always the possibility I would run into the Doctor during a previous or future regeneration or maybe even run into myself and cause a paradox...
My thoughts kept me up through the night, eventually I couldn't take it anymore and decided to go for a walk in the Canterlot Royal Garden to clear my head. Being an Employee of the Royal Library, the guards didn't give me too much crap about it, so long as I stayed away from the castle itself, confining me to the garden, and my designated work place of the royal library.
The walk was uneventful, almost boring, but it did its job and my desires and thoughts for home were quelled for the time being. It was almost close to sunrise so I decided I'd get an early start on my work and headed for the library.
...only to fall asleep at my desk the moment I sat down.
"Anonymous...Anonymous...wake up Anonymous."
Not even half an hour into my nap I was awakened by somepony, a mare if you want to be specific...anyway she was standing eagerly on the other side of the desk. A quick look to the clock showed the Library wasn't to open for another three hours so I shooed the mare away.
"...hm? Princess Twilight Sparkle, the library's not open yet, come back in ten minutes..."
Wait a tick, Princess...Twilight...Sparkle...?
"PRINCESS TWILIGHT! I mean, come right in!"
This wasn't my finest moment, I had just told a PRINCESS, MY EMPLOYER, to piss off! What was I thinking? I did my best to apologize to Princess Twilight but she just laughed it off and dismissed my mistake with a wave of her hoof.
"Heh heh, same old Anonymous, did you sleep well?"
I should have known it was Princess Twilight, her love for reading is practically the stuff of legends; and while, yes she doesn't live in Canterlot, her status as a Princess allows her access to the castle library, something she takes full advantage of. Every couple of weeks she'll pop in, order or check out a couple of books she doesn't have in her own collection at golden oaks library, and then be off to her home in Ponyville. Despite her visits being very sporadic and usually very short, she and I have developed a sort of friendship, not a very deep one if you ask me, but enough that we can make small talk without much difficulty.
"I wish I could say that I did, I had a lot on my mind last night so I didn't get much sleep."
"What in Equestria could bother the always cheery Anonymous?"
"...just been thinking about home, about my parents. You know Canterlot's a hay of place, and with all these ponies around, I feel like a dime a dozen you know? Living in a big city like this can get a tad lonely from time to time."
"Really? I actually took you for the big city type... Where are you from Anonymous?"
"The end of time."
"What?"
"I'm kidding, I'm from Ponyville, Princess Twilight."
"Really? You know I live in the library over in Ponyville."
"Golden Oaks."
"You knew?"
"Of course, with you being a Princess, it's practically common knowledge that you live and work there. Plus, like I said, I'm from Ponyville."
"So why haven't I seen you around?"
"Oh believe me Princess. I was around, you just never noticed me."
"I had a feeling you'd say something like that, forever the mysterious, eh Anonymous?"
"Of course, Princess."
"Well anyway...DID THE BOOKS I ORDERED COME IN?"
"Excited are we, Princess? Well for your information, yes, the books arrived yesterday afternoon. You'll find them in the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the library. Do you-"
"Yeeeeeeee!"
Twilight was gone in a puff of smoke, sprinting down the aisles like a filly in a candy shop towards the Starswirl the bearded wing of the library.
"-want me to get them for you? No? Okay."
It didn't take long for Twilight to come back with the books, she was bouncing with excitement, a smile on her face. She hoofed the books to me and one by one I checked them out and set a due date for each of them.
"There you are Princess, please be sure to have them back in two months, if you want to keep them longer send me a letter and I'll renew them in the logs for another couple of months."
"ThankYouThankYouThankYou!"
heh, same old Twilight...you never change.
"hm, don't mention it Princess Twilight, Yawn...well, I better get the library ready for the public. Have a wonderful day Princess."
I placed the books in Twilight's saddlebag and she made her way to the library's exit; but for some reason or another she stopped half way through the door, and turned around. She trotted over to a table near my desk and opened a book. For a while we just stayed like that, me, getting the library ready, while Twilight read her books. I have to say it was nice, the library rarely gets many visitors, so most of the time I'm by myself. It was nice to have some real company, even if she didn't really say much, it was just nice to know she was there.
Eventually Twilight closed her book and turned to me.
"...hey Anonymous?"
"Yes Princess?"
"I know we don't see each other often but we're still good friends...aren't we?"
"Me? Friends with royalty? I never thought I'd live to see the day."
"I'm serious Anonymous! We are friends, right?"
"Yes Princess, we're friends."
"Then...why don't you call me Twilight? Why always Princess?"
"No reason, just never thought about it."
"And why do you never come to visit me?"
"Because I work here in the library Twilight, here in Canterlot, and you live in Ponyville. I can't afford a train ride on my salary and traveling by hoof would take me so long that I would miss a lot of work going to see you."
"Maybe that wouldn't be so bad? You did say Canterlot gets pretty lonely; maybe time away from the library is just what you need."
"...what makes you say that?"
"I wasn't going to say anything, but Anonymous, you always seem a little...troubled."
"Trust me Princess...I'm fine."
"No you're not, you said so yourself you haven't gotten a wink of sleep!"
"Princess-"
"Call me Twilight."
"Is that an order Princess?"
"No! We're friends Anonymous...why do you have to be so formal with me? Why are you always so...distant, aren't we friends?"
"Look Twilight-"
"I'm willing to pay for a ticket so you can come with me to Ponyville. We can go home and say hi to your family...maybe it could help you feel better?"
I slammed my hoofs on Twilight's table and looked her right in the eye. I made sure to not make my gaze too threatening, after all she's still one of my bosses, but my glare got the point across. I didn't want to talk about it, home and family were still very touchy subjects for me. There are just some things a pony must do for himself.
"Twilight, I don't want to talk to or about my family or my home right now."
"Running away from your problems won't make them disappear Anonymous."
"Twilight, you're on thin ice."
"Anonymous, aren't we friends?"
"...Yes we are."
Though to be honest you're really pushing it Twilight! Dear Celestia why is this mare so stubborn!?
"Then talk to me! Why don't you want to go home? Why don't you want to see your family?"
"Because!...Because things in Ponyville are...complicated, to say the least, it's not the Ponyville I grew up with that's for sure. I want to go home but Ponyville isn't home for me, not anymore, I guess what I'm saying is...I don't know where home is Twilight."
"It's with your friends, it's where you feel you belong."
...Where do I belong?
I was born at the end and beginning of time, there isn't an alternate universe me, just a me for all the universes and dimensions that exist. A seperate entity to the world around me, I could belong anywhere, and at the same time, nowhere. I didn't really have any friends...not very close ones...besides Twilight I guess. Argh! This is making my head hurt...
I don't want to deal with this right now! Celestia damn it brain think of something!
"...Twilight, I'm sorry but I have to ask you to leave."
"Anon-"
"GO!"
...nice going Anonymous, push the nice mare away. Might as well stick a forever alone sign on my head while I'm at it.
For a moment, Twilight just sat there quietly, her mouth opened and closed several times, trying to find the words to say something, but none came. Her eyes scanned my features, looking for something, anything at all, she knew I was bluffing...I didn't want her to leave, as much as her company pained me...it was better than being alone in this blasted library by myself.
Alone...maybe...maybe that's why she stayed after I checked out her books...maybe- maybe she knew deep down what I was going through...
No, nobody can understand what I'm going through!
I'm Anonymous for fuck's sake!
I don't exist!
Nothing to my name...
Nothing to remember me by...
I'm alone...
That's all I'll ever be...
A single tear slid down my face as my eyes snapped shut to hold back the torrent of sadness that threatened to spill over. I really was alone.
"I won't Anonymous."
"Please Twilight...don't go. I didn't mean it."
"Nothing you say will- wait what?
"I'm fine, but...please stay? I could really use the company."
"Damn it Anonymous enough of this! You are not fine, you need help, let me help you!"
"How can you help me?"
"I...! I don't know..."
"Then why even offer!? You don't know what I'm going through!"
"You're right, I don't know. I don't know...BECAUSE YOU WON'T TELL ME!"
"W-what?"
"I wasn't born yesterday Anonymous, I know you're hiding something, ponies don't hold back tears when they're just fine. If you really want me to help, you have to level with me!"
"...I can't Twilight!"
"Yes you can, Anonymous, I'm tired of this. You're always so mysterious, always hiding, it's like the only place you exist is in this library. Anonymous I can see you're hurting, you need to come home-"
...where is home?
...where did I belong?
...just who were my friends?
I'm a bloody son of time-lord not a normal pony, who am I to walk among them, who am I to make friends with them! I'll live for a thousand years and then some! They'll all be dead! Mom...Ditzy Do will die and I'll have nothing but that one day I spent with her! I just-
"Where is home!?"
The tears came with a fury I didn't know I held within me. I couldn't hold this masquerade any longer, I collapsed on the table and buried my face in my hooves. I sobbed for all I was worth, cursing my hearts, praying that they would listen to my brain and remember I shouldn't be alive! I wanted to go home, I wanted to have a home! Somewhere I belong! Somewhere where not being up to scratch with Time Turner didn't matter! Somewhere I could talk to my mother and not have to worry that she couldn't know I was really her son! I wanted a fucking home! Not a damn room Parchment gave me so I wouldn't freeze my hide off in the cold of winter!
Twilight rested her head on mine, and she began to sing for me. I didn't understand a single word of it but it gave me comfort in my time of need. With each verse, my furious sobbing was turned to a light sniffling; my fear of being alone seemed to disappear as she nestled into the top of my head. I wanted to wipe my tears but I was afraid to move from that one spot, afraid she might move away. Her voice had captured me and before I knew it, I was at her mercy.
Twilight...For the time I just let my thoughts be damned, eventual time-lord or not I NEEDED this mare. I soaked up every verse of her song like a sponge, my hearts practically glowing with warmth for every word that dripped from her sweet lips. I let my mind wander about my memories of her, how she walked, how she spoke to me, everything about her flooded my mind...and as much as I hated to admit it I was loving every second of it. For once in my entire life I wasn't alone, because she was here, my goddess had arrived in my time of need to save me from myself.
I was weak, so very weak, no home, no family, nothing to my name, for fuck's sake I didn't even have a name! Anonymous! What is that but an excuse!? lack of a name! lack of an Identity, I had no Identity!
...and yet,
here was this beautiful goddess of mine, singing for me, showing me that while I had nothing, while I was alone for so long...
I wasn't alone anymore, for now I had her, and her soothing voice to guide me when all else failed.
Eventually the song was finished and I hadn't noticed it but we had shifted position. Now I found myself wrapped up in Twilight's hoofs. Her breath tickled my neck as she and I just sat there and held each other. neither one of us wanted to end the silence but that question still needed to be answered...
Where was my home? Where did I truly belong?
Luckily for me, Twilight knew just the place for me.
"Home, Anonymous...your home is with me."
"My home...is with you?"
"Yes Anonymous, I know I may not know much about you, but I do know you need me, and that's good enough for me. You're very important to me Anonymous, whether you realize it or not, and I refuse to let you suffer any longer... Come home Anonymous, come home to me."
"...You win Twilight."
Twilight let out a content sigh and broke our embrace, much to my disappointment; something that Twilight didn't fail to notice.
"Don't worry Anonymous, there are more where that came from."
Twilight got up from the table and went over to my desk, pulling out a quill and parchment, Twilight began scribbling down a message.
"I'll let the Princess' know you're taking an indefinite holiday."
"Thank you Twilight.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I send you this letter to inform you that the royal library's librarian, Anonymous, will be taking an indefinite holiday to accompany me back home to Ponyville. Anonymous, while he does enjoy his job, is a very troubled and distant individual. I believe time with my friends and myself might help him recover from the years of isolation he's forced himself to endure.
Sincerely, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
After sending the letter to the Princess, Twilight followed me back to my room and boy, was Parchment surprised. When I told him what was going on, I was amazed to see Parchment was actually a little sad to see me go. All the same, He understood completely and even offered to help me pack. He said his door would always be open for me, should I ever want to come back to Canterlot. I turned him down though, with everything he did for me yesterday and since I came into town for that matter, I decided this one thing I could do for myself, Canterlot wasn't the place for me, regardless of my aging or what my father might have planned for me, my home was with Twilight now, and that was just the way I liked it.
Twilight and I were packed within a couple of minutes, thanks to her magic and before sunset, we were on our way to the Friendship Express, bound for Ponyville, bound for home.
"Princess?"
"What happened to calling me Twilight?"
"I can't give you a pet name?"
"Well you better think of something better than Princess."
"hm, fair enough. Anyway Twilight, I have to ask, why me?"
"What do you mean?"
"I doubt all this was just because I'm a friend."
"You're right, you're a very good friend."
"That's not what I meant and you know it Twilight."
"...I'll tell you another time."
I couldn't help but laugh, now who's the mysterious one Twilight?
"I'll never understand mares."
"Luckily something tells me you won't have to."
"...Already laid claim on me, Twilight?"
Twilight's face lit a faint scarlet and she smiled.
"I guess you could say that."
I'm by no means perfect, I make mistakes and I'm always learning from them. Today I learned that I wasn't so sure of myself as I thought I was. I learned that I can't do everything myself, that I need to rely on others from time to time. I learned that my existence, while an accident, still held merit, even if I didn't feel it did. I learned that I have affected ponies in profound ways, just as they have done to me. I have learned so much, and at the same time, realized that I knew very little to begin with, Twilight, my goddess, you have my thanks for opening my eyes to the world around me.
I still have so much to learn about myself, about the world I call my domain, but I know with my goddess beside me, I will always have someplace to call my home, to keep me grounded, to remind me that while I might be Anonymous-
It doesn't mean I can't make Anonymous the Librarian an Identity in its own right.
signed,
Anonymous.