o' moon, your light is failing and you are nothing more but a poor bow
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It seems to Lucy that life is a trouble at best and she deeply envys her doll Michelle, for not having the ability to live at all. It must be very peaceful, she thought, to lie and slumber and dream for ever and ever, with the wind whispering through the trees and caressing the grasses and the flowers of your grave, and nothing to bother and grieve about, ever any more. She began to drift insensibly back into the concerns of her own life again. What if she turned her back now, and disappeared mysteriously? What if she went away—ever so far away, into unknown countries beyond the seas—and never came back? How would her father feel then? Oh he would feel horrible and miss me so, she thought. He would deeply regret treating me like this. Like an object.
But she would stay every time, not having the nerve nor gut to run away. Because even though sometimes she deeply hates him so, he coaxes her with words of self-pity and anger that he's doing it all for her. That he loves her….and maybe he does. But then why does she want to get away from him so very badly? If she knew he truly loved her as a father should, why does she dream of running out that door and visiting faraway places, desperately wanting him to grieve for her absence.
She would dream, knowing they were probably not going to come true. Because dreams never really do come true, do they? Despite knowing this and telling herself to stop, she still imagined running in the streets of Clover Town. Or maybe Magnolia? Oh how she would try all kinds of different desserts and no one could tell her she can't because there's no one there that can. She would take peaceful walks whenever she pleased and there would be an adventure everyday and the sun would shine bright. And she wouldn't feel bad about leaving him at all, him being one of the last things on her mind from her suppressing him from it. Though hopefully, there wouldn't be anything that would bring him back, because thinking about him would mean that everything she built from the ground up would just disappear in thin air.
Though of course, this is all imagination..because he's always there..haunting her..whether she likes it or not.
She loves and hates him at the same time and her heart is all wound up, tighter than a clock. And that clock is just always stuck chiming the eleventh hour, never getting to twelve, never finishing the cycle. Always just waiting for the night to get darker, but it never does. Yet she feels as if there's something incredibly addictive and satisfying about repetition. As if repeating the same mistakes time and time again offers her some chance in perfecting the flaws, until she can't tell what was even there before.
Yes, there's definitely something in that.
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note1: this whole thing is a mess lol but I tried to write what Lucy felt like before she ran away to Magnolia and met Natsu and all that jazz.
thanks for reading!