EDIT: I have decided that I wanted to make this story more like canon, because I feel like it will flow better that way. That sadly means that I have to get rid of the Davekat. Sorry.
So, the story goes that innocent Goldilocks is starving or somethin like that. She breaks into a house that belongs to Three Bears (as if the city would allow three wild and probably rabid animals to own property) and eats all their porridge (bears don't eat porridge) and sleeps in their beds (which bears aren't supposed to own). The bears come home from taking a community dump or something like and find that this stupid little girl had eaten all of their food and messed up their beds. They feel bad for Goldilocks and decided to become friends rather than eating her guts.
But fuck Goldilocks and screw the Three Bear with their unrealistic stories. Fuck Mother Goose. This is real life. I'm goldilocks and apparently like the old man I've bumped my head on the bed and now I can't remember anything. Also, the girlfriend of the guy who sleeps in this bed is pretty pissed and may go all rabid bear on me.
Let's start from the beginning, though that was only a couple seconds ago. I can't remember much after that but it's easier to start when I woke up and could remember absolutely fucking nothing.
I woke up with the light from the rising sun filtering through the windows of the room I was in. after a yawn I looked around the room and what did to my wandering eye appear? No, I wished it was Santa Claus but instead it was a couple of freaks of nature.
One of the three people gathered around me was part goat or something else, and another one was a cyclops because he was a giant and had one eye. The girl in the middle was scariest though because she had angry piercing grey eyes and a knife up to my throat.
The knife wasn't my biggest concern. I knew that I could pull out Caledscratch out of my strife deck and disarm her easily using my speed and putting her in the position I was in now. I really had no idea what Caledscratch was mind that it was a sword or how I knew could disarm the scary chick mind that I knew that I was able to perform that feat or that I could access whatever a strife deck is mind that I could do that if I wanted to. I was more worried about whether I had clothes on or not.
"Am I wearin' clothes?" I asked frantically. "Cool I'm wearin' clothes. So, what's up?"
The three people assembled around my bed made no movement other than a rather surprised look in their eyes that I was not threatened by the knife in my face. The girl's grey eyes quickly tempered over to the angry glare and asked me a question.
"Who are you and what are you doing in my boyfriend's bed?" she asked angrily.
"Name's Goldilocks an' I thought that it was a bang-up idea to sleep in a stranger's bed. I'm fixin' to git some breakfast. How does porridge sound?" I answered that way because I knew that it would be ironic. I really had no clue what ironic meant other than that it was a literary device or how answering that question like that was ironic but it felt right.
"Answer truthfully," the girl order me, pressing the knife up closer to my neck.
"Dave Elizabeth Strider, Knight of Time an' coolkid. No idea what those titles mean but they're important. I have no idea why the hell I'm here in your boyfriends bed," I answered truthfully not risking my life for a joke. "An' I don't know much more than that."
The girl just glare at me before putting the knife away.
"Elizabeth's your middle name?" the goat boy asked me as the girl started to angrily pace around the cabin.
"Yeah," I answered.
"What is happening?" the girl asked no one in particular. "Why does Hera need Percy in another one of her 'exchange programs'?"
"Hera? Ain't she the goddess of flamboyantly gay men?" I asked. Everyone in the room stared at me. "What? Not the right answer?"
"What else do you know about Greek Myths?" the goat boy asked.
"I knew that Zeus caused a shit load of trouble because he couldn't keep it in his pants," I replied.
"As angry as I am right now," the girl huffed before she began to laugh. "But those two comments just made my day."
"You're welcome, the Knight a Time is always here to make your day a bit more ironic," I answered. "An' who are you yucks?"
"I'm Grover Underwood," the goat-boy answered. "I'm a satyr if you were wondering. You're probably the first person who hasn't freaked out about me having goat legs."
"I'm pretty sure I've seen weirder," I said looking at Grover's hairy goat legs.
"Tyson," the cyclops said without further word.
"Annabeth Chase, daughter of Athena," the girl introduced herself.
"Ain't Athena a virgin?" Dave asked.
"Yeah," Annabeth answered. "It's weird but she created my with her mind."
"Well, we now know Athena has a pretty dirty mind," I said out loud. "And I'm pretty darn sure I had a unusual birth too. I just don't know why."
"Are you from Texas?" Grover then asked.
"Ain't you ever heard the phrase 'Never ask a man if he's from Texas. If he is, he'll tell you on his own. If he ain't, no need to embarrass him,'" I recited, not sure where I knew that from. I was pretty sure I was from Texas though; I had an accent and everything. I also knew Texas proverbs so if that isn't a give-away then I don't know what.
"So, no? Grover guessed.
"No, I'm from Texas, so thank you very fuckin much," I replied as a small Mexican-looking boy came into the cabin.
"Oh look sleeping beauty's awake," he commented seeing that I was sitting up in bed and adjusting the shades on my face.
"Then you must be my prince," I replied. "Too late. That goat boy already kissed me awake."
"What?" Grover asked a bit surprised at being dragged into this.
"You. I like you," the Mexican boy walked up to me to introduce himself. "I'm Leo Valdez."
"Dave Strider," I replied.
"The council is waiting for you guys," Leo told Annabeth, Grover and Tyson. "And him too now that he's awake."
"Oh, the council," I said pretending to act scared. "Are we goin to discuss what we should do with the one true rang? Cause I say we might should through it into the volcano."
"I really like you," Leo said laughing.
"No," Annabeth said grabbing my arm and hoisting me up off the bed. "We are going to decide what we should do with you. And throwing you in the climbing wall seems like a good idea."
"Climbin' wall?" I pondered.
"I oozes lava," Leo informed me as Annabeth dragged me out of the room.
"Well ya can't have any fun in lava. Ya only die in lava," I added as I left the room. Outside, I figured out that I was in a cabin and that I was stuck in a summer camp. Kids were running around with swords and other weapons, or playing volleyball and other games.
"This seems like my kinda camp," I said happily realizing I had never been to summer camp.
"Good, because you're stuck here until you remember who you are," Annabeth told me dragging me into a large baby blue house. She pushed me upstairs to a ping-pong table surround by kids my age and under. There was an old man in a wheelchair that looked like a teacher and a man sitting next to him who wore a leopard pattern tee-shirt and looked like he was previously drunk. I was introduced to everyone starting with the man in the wheelchair called Chiron. Next was Rachel Elizabeth Dare, Jason Grace, Leo Valdez, Piper McLean, Clarisse la Rue (she reminded me of someone but a little less creepy and not obsessed with spiders), Clovis (he was asleep), Travis and Connor Stoll (this camp's version of the Weasley Twins), Butch (a big kid who reminded me of a sweaty guy but Butch wasn't as creepy and his mom was the goddess of rainbows), Will Solace, Lou Ellen, Miranda Gardener, Frank Zhang, Hazel Leserque, Nico di Angelo, Tyson, Grover, and finally Mr. D. Annabeth sat me down in a an open chair between her and Clarisse la Rue who just glared at me like I was a plague.
"This is Dave Strider," Annabeth introduced me to everyone.
"Howdy y'all," I said in a very Texan way.
"Are you a cowboy?" Hazel asked confused with the accent. I sighed as if I had been asked this question a million times just because I had a Texan accent-and I think that I did.
"Sure, I'm a Vaquero. I ride Toros into the sunset as I use my reata to pull in little doggies. At night after I stop by the Icehouse I sit down on the llano and howl at the moons with the mavericks. No, I am not a fucking cowboy. Not all Texans are cowboys. Most aren't," I replied.
"Hazel and Nico are from the 1930's," Annabeth informed me.
"Oh, WWII then," I said out loud. "Time travel's always fun."
"Not time travel," Hazel informed me. "I died and Nico brought me back to the living."
"And I got stuck in a time-quickening hotel for many years," Nico added.
"So not time travel," I clarified.
"Not time travel," Nico agreed.
"Ah," I sat back to think about that,
"So, does Dave have a memory?" Jason asked.
"He has no memory," Annabeth answered.
Everyone groaned at this news.
"I remember some stuff," I interjected. "It's not clear. I know my name's Dave Elizabeth Strider. My title is the Knight of Time an' I'm a coolkid. Uh, let's see. I'm pretty sure I've seen weirder thangs that a goat boy and I had a weird birth if you could call it a birth at all. I've seen friends an' family die an' I've seen horrible people brought down. It's weird but I'm pretty sure I've died too, but I'm alive now. Oh, an' I'm certain I'm bisexual. Sexual preference is always important."
"Bisexual?" Hazel asked confused.
"I like both guys and gals," I answered for myself. "I really don't care about a person's gender because they're hot to me either way."
"Thank-you for that information," Annabeth said a little disgruntled. "Anything else? Any people?"
I closed my eyes for a second and a memory came rushing back. A single memory but it the happiest memory. Luckily, a name came with the memory.
"Karkat Vantas," I whispered repeating the memory over and over in my head. "Karkat Vantas," I said a little bit louder.
"It seems that you've remembered something," Rachel observed.
"It's not much," I admitted. "But it's so clear in my head it's like it happened yesterday."
"What is it?" Piper asked. "It may have some clues about where you've been and where Percy is."
"Probably ain't anything useful," I replied. "I remember us argin' over something, both of our hands were on a pencil and we were both tryin' to draw somethin'. I forget what we were drawin', but there were just scribbles n' dicks drawn all over the page. Karkat was yellin' at me, and I was sayin' somethin' about a 'penis Ouija'."
"Thank-you Dave," Annabeth sighed.
"Anything else?" Mr. D asked.
"I don't know why but this seems important," I began to say. "I played a game once with my friends. A game called Sburb."