Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z, AT does. And he is also Santa Claus. Oh noes!
------Kibito's Magical Christmas Adventure!------
A universe away from Earth, on the Planet of the Kais. Kaioshin and Kibito were watching the planet Earth get ready for Christmas through their magic ball.
"Master?"
"Yes Kibito?"
"What are the humans doing? It seems that they are dressing up trees. Do they wish to make them transvestites?"
"No Kibito. They are celebrating Christmas!"
"Christman? Oh goody! A new super hero is on the scene, now I am off to message forums to make him verse Superma.."
"Kibito. Sit down.. NOW!"
"Sorry master"
"Christmas is a wonderful time of year. In which some sort of alien white rain falls from the skies, and people have to sing in order for it not to summon Ninjas and Pirates to eat their young!"
"That's dreadful! What could cause such a horrible thing?"
"A man named Santa Claus! I presume that means he has gigantic 45 mile wide titanium claws which he likes to rip children apart with. Horrible man!"
"It's a good thing we live up here, isn't it Master?"
"Actually Kibito. I'm sending you down to Earth to see if this is true or not."
Kibito gulped at the thought of it. "But I like my lungs! I don't want them to be ripped out!"
"Don't worry Kibito! You'll be fine. Now Kai-Kai yourself down to Earth."
"Yes Master..." And with that, the large red creature teleported himself to Earth.
-----
In West City. Vegeta grew increasingly impatient with Bulma trying to choose a Christmas present. Because, gosh darn it! He had to choose one for his delightful Kaky-cha--
"Damn it, Vegeta!" The Saiyan cursed to himself. "No Kaky-chan! Bad Vegeta! BAD!"
"Are you alright dad?" Trunks looked up at his father.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Trunks. Your son! I love you dad!" The annoying child of death hugged his father's leg. In which Vegeta promptly kicked him beyond the horizon.
"Where is mother, anyway?" Future Trunks asked.
"The woman better be buying me a drying cloth!" Vegeta muttered before spinning around to his son from the future. "What are you doing here anyway?"
"Oh. We don't have Christmas in my time. It was destroyed by the Androids. THEY'VE GONE TO FAR! THEY'LL DESTROY US ALL!!" The teenager screamed and flew out of the mall rambling like a complete idiot.
At this point, Bulma had exited from the shop she has entered before. "Where are my two sons?"
"Oh they.. uh, went to.. Oh blast it, what's that word.. Oh yeah.. I LOVE KAKY-CHAN!!"
"....What?"
"Damn it! Wrong thing!"
"Oh I just bet it was"
-----
Kibito looked at his surroundings. He was standing in the middle of a road, and people were singing about how Santa Claus was coming to town. Could it be!? Oh no!
"Santa Claus is going to eat your babies!" Kibito screamed out. "There's no time to lose! Get to da choppah!"
"Excuse me!" An elderly woman walked up to Kibito. "What exactly are you screaming about? Santa Claus is a nice man who comes down your chimn--"
"He invades houses as well!?" Kibito gasped "That bastard!"
"NO! He's a kind man. In fact, go see him at the mall. You'll change your mind."
-----
The Son family walked through the front door of the Kame House. Inside, Krillin and 18 were sipping down some Egg nog. Tenshinhan and Chaozu were having a discussion about the government while drinking tea with pipes in their mouths. And Roshi and Oolong were staring at the girls in the Christmas catalogue.
"Hey Krillin!" Goku greeted the midget. "How are you?"
"I'm.. IN DA HOUSE!!"
"....cough"
"What? I am in a house. What are you all looking at?"
"Say anything like that again, and I'll kill you!" Chi-Chi glared.
"Sorry, miss."
"The weather out there is crazy!" Gohan shivered. "The entire planet is covered in ice."
"EIS SHENRON IS BACK!?" Goku screamed "Don't worry! I'll stop him with my Kamehameha!"
"Goku. Stop that!"
"Sorry Chi-Chi.."
"Yeah, bro!" Krillin chucked. "That was so not Mondo cool!"
Chi-Chi spun around to the monk. "Oh that's it. Now you die!"
"What did I do!?"
"Well, I say!" Tenshinhan spoke to Chaozu in a British accent. "This is turning out to be quite the amusing Christmas!"
"Yes!"
"Indeed!"
"Quite!"
"Hmm.."
-----
In Central City. Brolly was looking through the shop windows for a Christmas present. One of the outside staff walked up to him to see if he needed any help.
"Excuse me sir. Are you looking for a particular item?"
"KAKAROTTO!!!"
"Kakarotto? Is that a new video game?"
"KAKAROTTO!!!"
"You're not making much sense, sorry."
"KAKAROTTO!!!"
"Hey Bill! Do you know what a 'Kakarotto' is?"
"I think my wife came down with that last month."
"Oh..."
"KAKAROTTO!!!..."
-----
"Vegeta! I refuse to speak to you anymore!" Bulma screamed.
"It wasn't my fault that I kicked our son at terminal velocity!" Vegeta pleaded, normally he would keep his Saiyan pride and not cave in. But he needed that drying cloth!
"Go to your beloved 'Kaky-Chan!'. You love him more then you love me!"
"But I need the drying cloth, woman!"
"You want your cloth!? HERE'S YOUR DAMNED CLOTH!" Bulma bellowed as she threw the towel at Vegeta, who caught it and started prancing down the street.
-----
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa Claus laughed down at the mall. Kibito looked at him from a distance, huge belly. That must be from eating all those children! White beard... He was obviously racist! And he kept screaming about Ho's. It took Kibito a while. But he finally found out what Santa really was!
"He's a fat racist pimp who eats children!" Kibito charged at the man.
"Ho! Ho! H-ARGH MY SPINE!" Santa was tackled to the ground. "What is your problem?!"
"I'm onto you!" Kibito pointed at the man. "You just want to eat these children! Like Piccolo wanted to eat Gohan!"
"THAT WAS YEARS AGO!" Piccolo screamed out. "I was young and reckless!"
"Okay. I'll admit it" The jolly man stood up. "I'm not really Santa.."
"It's a trap!" Akbar screamed out.
"What!? Who are you?" Kibito questioned.
"I am Neo Mecha Zu Wung Thor Blackbeard! The Ghost Robot Ninja Samurai Laser Pirate from Planet X!!"
"And now Kibito! It is time for the battle to begin. Let's see if you can withstand my.. NINJAS! THOUSANDS OF THEM!"
-----
Vegeta crawled along the empty city streets. It had seemed like months had passed since he split from Bulma. The Saiyan prince looked down at what he held in his hand.
...His drying cloth.
But was it worth it? Was it really worth breaking up from the only person who had ever loved him? His father was killed by Frieza, his entire race bar a few were also gone. His entire childhood was torture. And most of his adult life had been trying to surpass a lower class Saiyan, by whom he was constantly humiliated by. And here he was, near Christmas. Lying in the middle of an empty, freezing road with a drying cloth in his hand? With no one who really loved him. There was only one thing the Saiyan prince could possibly respond with...
"I love you, drying cloth"
...Or that.
-----
At Kame House. Everyone was drinking away at their Egg Nog while Roshi was telling everyone christmas tales. Well, he tried anyway. he glued one of magazines to the final page of the tale. Poor 18 and Chi-Chi had to spend most of the night explaining as to why Mr. and Mrs. Claus didn't really have sweaty sex on the cover of Penthouse.
"Well that tale was most certainly disgusting!" Tenshinhan sighed "And what did you think of the character development. Mr. Chaozu?"
"Insubstantial!"
"I certainly agree, old spice!"
"Quite!"
"Indeed!"
"Shut up, you two!" 18 sighed. "Well now what do we do?"
"I know!" Goku smiled "Let's go caroling!"
"Around Kame House?"
"Yup!"
"Which is in the middle of the ocean?"
"Yup!"
"We'll get right on that!"
"Yup!"
"Oh shut up, Goku."
-----
Kibito sliced the last of the Ninjas with a Katana he got from nowhere in particular. Now it was time to face his nemesis. Neo Mecha Zu Wung Thor Blackbeard!
"Haha! Zu!" Kibito heroically laughed. "My Kung-Fu is better!"
"You may have Kung-Fu! But I have your weakness!" Zu laughed back
"No! Not..."
"Yes!.. A bathtub!"
"NOOO--Wait, that's not my weakness."
"It isn't?"
"Nope"
"You sure!?"
"Yeah... pretty sure."
"Oh snap!"
-----
"Goku! Put your present down!"
"Aw, but Chi-Chi!"
"NOW!"
"No fun.."
"I wonder what my present is?" Goten looked at the decently sized wrapped box under the tree. "I wonder if it's a Dinosaur!"
"A Dinosaur couldn't fit in a box" Oolong sighed.
"I dunno, they've done stranger things. Like one time, a Dinosaur walked down to street, said 'Top of the mornin' to ye' and flew to the moon!"
"That never happened, did it Goten?"
"No.. I just wanted a line in this story. Hey! If I keep this up, that means I can control this entire story. It will be about me! 'Goten and the magical dancing dinosaur!' they will call it! And no-one can stop m--"
-----
"Awww.."
-----
Rain started falling from the sky. Bolts of lightning danced across the sky. Kibito found himself walking down the street, Ninja's filling the path and every building nearby. And in front of him stood his nemesis. Zu!
"Mr. Anderson! We missed y--Wait, wrong scene."
"Oh blast!" Kibito snapped his fingers
"This should be more suiting!" Zu snapped his fingers and the area turned into a massive toy factory. Better watch out for those attacking boxes! "Now! Let us fight!"
"Indeed!"
"Quite"
"Hasn't that already been done?" Kibito asked.
"It seems to be some sort of ongoing reference.."
"Indeed!"
"Quite!"
Kibito and Zu rushed at each other. The battle was starting. The Mecha Ninja--thing, decided to try and kick Kibito, but it did no damage what-so-ever.
"What!?" Zu screamed "Why can't I damage you?"
"Why?" Kibito laughed. "Because... IT'S A TRAP!"
"Oh noes!" The creature screamed as he fell into a trap-hole, cursed Kibito's name. The red creature simply stood their and did a heroic laugh.
"That was impressive." An elf clapped his hands. "Now what was the real reason he couldn't hit you."
"Because I'm awesome! That's why!"
"That's not an answ--"
"AWAY WITH KIBITO!" Kibito screamed as Kai-Kai'd himself away.
-----
It was now Christmas day! As everyone in Kame House rushed down to open their presents of much joy.
"Oh wow!" Goten giggled "It was a Dinosaur! I'll name you, Stompy McCrushington!"
"PIE!" Goku screamed like a 5 year old. "I love pie!"
"I wonder what my present was.." Chi-Chi started to unwrap the present, when the box suddenly exploded.
"It was me!" Ox-King laughed "I was in the box! GET IT!? Ox in the box!? It's funny because that's what I wanted to name Goh--"
"Shut up, dad"
"Aw.. Once again my humor has failed."
"Tenshinhan!" Chaozu walked up to his friend "I have gotten you this exquisite present!"
"Oh my!" The three eyed (cowboy) gasped "A cane! I got you the same thing!"
"Indeed"
"Quite!"
"Let us twirl them!"
"Indeed!"
"Quite!"
"Oh boy, what did I get!?" Oolong opened his present. "Ham!? WHO GOT ME HAM!?"
"You never answered my question of if you liked it or not" Goku stared down at the floor. "So I thought that you'd..."
"You're dead.."
"A head buffer?" Krillin gawked at his present. "MONDO COOL BRO!"
18 glared at her present. "A.. Floppy Disc? Okay! Who's the smart-arse?"
"Oh boy!" Gohan looked at his "It appears to be some sort of death-clock!"
"Hey? Where's Roshi?" Krillin looked around.
"Enjoying his present."
"..I didn't need to know that"
-----
"Drying..cl..oth. It se..ems this is the..end" Vegeta coughed as he nearly collapsed.
"Vegeta!"
"WOMAN!" Vegeta leapt up.
"I'm sorry, for over-reacting! I got you a present."
"What is it?" Vegeta asked as five trucks of drying cloths pulled up next to him! The Saiyan prince screamed like a school-girl and fainted from joy.
-----
"So Kibito?" Kaioshin asked before biting down on a space-turkey. "What was Christmas on Earth about?"
"The celebration of pimps, I think master"
"What a strange planet. Good thing we'll never go there."
"Indeed"
"Quite!"
"Wait a minute!" Kibito pondered "How can we eat a space-turkey if they don't exist?" At this notion, the turkey vanished.
"Thanks a lot, Kibito!"
"I'm sorry, master!"
-----
Dabura looked down at his present. "A sword? This will be great for slashing foes. HAHAH! Look at me slash!"
Babidi twirled his whiskers for no real reason, until a henchman walked up with a gift. "For me?"
"Yes, sir. I hope you like it."
"Nope, I hate it. DIE!"
"But you didn't open it ye--" The henchman didn't finish his sentence, explosions can do that to you.
"Now, what's in the present?" Babidi wondered, when a being suddenly jumped out of it.
"It's me! Kiwi! Fear my powerlevel!"
"Can you withstand 10x gravity?" Babidi asked.
"I fail to see why not!"
"Get in that suit! From now on. Your name is Pui-Pui!"
"GLEE!!"
-----
"Ha-Chan!" Suno called out "I got you a present!"
"A Ninja cape!?"
"Yes, now you can fly through space fighting Laser Pirates and what-not!"
"Awesome! And I got you a present."
"Oooh, what is it?"
"A death-clock! I found one at a pink house not too long ago!"
"I love it. Thanks Ha-Chan!"
"All in a days work. For I am powerful and mighty! Watch me destroy evil! HA! See? Like that!"
"That was the Village Chief"
"Oh.. uh.. he was evil!"
"You're so awesome, Ha-Chan!"
"I know, Suno.. I know!"
-----
"Lord Cooler!" Sauzer bowed "I have gotten you a present!"
"What is it?"
"KAKAROTTO!!!"
"A punching bag?" Cooler questioned.
"Yes" Sauzer replied "I hope you enjoy it"
"Why does it have a 'I heart Kaky-chan' tattoo on it?"
"I dunno, found it in the streets."
"Fair enough, Merry Christmas Sauzer!"
"Merry Christmas Lord Cooler! Uh.. What's Christmas?"
"You know.. I haven't the darnest idea. Oh well, it's punching time!"
-----THE END!!-----