Kura: This oneshot was inspired by Idina Menzel's I Feel Everything. PS, this is post-high school. It's pretty depressing, at least I think so. You should listen to the song, it's sad but really pretty.
MrsPattinsonDiggoryCullen: And Kura wants to thank me for introducing her to this song, right Kura? glares
Kura: Hehe...yeah...right...um...I hope you like the story!
The day Hikaru Hitachiin had asked me to marry him was the happiest day of my life. I'd loved him since high school, and knowing that he meant it when he said he wanted to be with me, knowing that it wasn't a prank, filled my heart with joy. He'd broken it before, but I couldn't hate him for it. I could never hate him. I loved him, despite all of his less-than-desirable traits. My broken heart betrayed me.
I knew that he struggled. I knew that he was imperfect. Hikaru never did control his anger – or emotions in general – very well, but I didn't care. That was what made him who he was. What I didn't know, was just how badly he needed help. He had issues, but I didn't realize just how bad they were. Even still, I wanted to stick with him through thick and thin.
He had been completely rejected by his old love interest, Fujioka Haruhi, and he never really recovered. I knew he'd cared about her (though I didn't know her gender at the time), and had supported him, despite my feelings. I hoped for the best, but things still went downhill for Hikaru, and I felt responsible for urging him to go after her. I think he may have blamed me too. Even so, he never really seemed to hate me for it. So you can't imagine how ecstatic I was when he even went so far as to ask me out! I was so surprised...but I was happy. We grew up and got to the point of being engaged.
A few months later, we still hadn't made anything official. I was living with him, but that was all. In fact, after the first month, we hardly had any contact. I tried to help him, but there was something different about him. He always brushed me off, completely ignoring me. It hurt really badly.
Today was no different. When I got home, I smiled at him and tried to start up a conversation. Nothing was different - he still didn't bother to spare me a glance. Sighing, I continued to try to get him to speak to me, but his eyes were glued to the TV, watching some soap opera I knew he didn't care about.
"Will you just shut up?" he finally snapped, before stomping off.
My lips quivered as I watched him stalk up the stairs. Eyes burning with tears I refused to shed, I changed the channel to one that played music. I closed my eyes and let a single drop fall as I listened to the song. It was called I Feel Everything by Idina Menzel.
Like a prima ballerina
I tiptoe, tiptoe around you constantly
I hear the water running
Will it wash your tears or leak through the ceiling
Make my way up a spiral staircase
Hope to God you had a good day
Upstairs, I heard Hikaru turn on the shower, as he often did when he tried to avoid me. I sighed again. I knew that putting up with his faults would be difficult, but I guess I never thought that he would be so…so moody. I loved him, I realy did, but the emotional rollercoaster he had been riding was too much. I had to be extremely careful not to say anything that would upset. and I had to dance around a lot of subjects in order to do that. I couldn't help but think about the future that was in store for me. I knew I couldn't live the way I was for much longer, I mean, some days I was afraid to walk through the door, because if he was unhappy, then any good mood I had would be gone. Either I'd make him mad, and he'd hurt me, or I'd hurt him, and then feel horrible.
When you're furious
When you start to freeze
When you can't be touched
I feel everything
And when you despair
When you cannot breathe
When you wouldn't dare
I feel everything
When you're in ecstasy
But you're not with me
I feel everything
Hikaru…he's never done anything really bad to me. I mean, it could be worse. He's never once laid a hand on me, and I don't think he ever would. And yet…he still hurts me so badly that all I can do is curl up into a ball and cry. His words hurt so much more than a physical blow ever could. I don't think he realizes what he does to me.
When he is hurt from something, he always wants me to comfort him, and I'm always happy to do it. I hate to see him sad. If I ever hurt him, I always try to apologize. However, if the situation is ever reversed he never tries to reconcile. If I've had a particularly bad day, it seems like he just doesn't care.
I could live with all that, I think. At least, I would've lasted longer than I am now. But then I found out that, even though we were engaged, Hikaru was unfaithful. Yeah, he has commitment issues. I understand that, but I thought that by proposing it meant that he wanted me. So to find out that he has been with other girls just addded insult to injury. When I ask about it, he either tells me to leave him alone or says he was just fooling around and didn't do anything with them. The latter is when he's had a better day, which doesn't happen often. I really don't think he knows what he does to me - how much he hurts me.
On a tightrope, on a wire
I'll attempt to jump through your ring of fire
I am waiting all the while
For a glimpse of something to bring us higher
One little foot in front of the other
Don't you know I'm afraid of thunder?
Lately, it's become even harder and harder to make Hikaru happy. He was just not pleased with anything anymore. I kept trying, but it's all for naught. Nothing seemed to help, and no matter how hard I tried, he just kept hurting. I didn't know what to do. I've just been waiting for things to get better - they're out of my control - but they just never do. Nothing seems to change for the better.
It's just been getting more and more difficult to continue on. It's like I was trying to run in knee-deep water. For all that I struggled and worked for progress, I got almost nothing. Then a wave would come and push me back so I'd be even farther away than before.
When it got to that point, he would usually throw a fit. He'd go into a rage and say all kinds of horrible things. It really scared me sometimes...and yet, I still don't think that he noticed. I wanted to tell him, but I was afraid of what he's say, what he'd do. So I just kept waiting.
When you're furious
When you start to freeze
When you can't be touched
I feel everything
And when you despair
When you cannot breathe
When you wouldn't dare
I feel everything
When you're in ecstasy
But you're not with me
I feel everything
Another month passed before I heard the song again. The same pain from the first time returned. I curled up and began to cry. Nothing had changed. No...things had changed...for the worse. Every time I saw him, I felt a dagger go through my heart. I just wanted to cry.
He kept doing the same things to me. I thought that, perhaps, I would get used to it, and that it wouldn't hurt as much after some time. I was wrong. Time just made it worse, so much worse. I felt like my chest was being crushed in an Iron Maiden. I clutched my sides as I struggled to breathe properly. I couldn't do it.
There's a fine line between love and hurting
And knowing just when to walk away
I couldn't tell if he loved me anymore. I wondered if he ever did. Honestly, I wasn't sure what my feelings were for him anymore. I loved him – at least I thought I did. I didn't want to leave him, but I couldn't bear to stay. He never learned. I thought that my feelings were obvious. Before he could always read me like a book. Did he just not care? Was he just that heartless? I just couldn't tell.
Choking back another sob, I made my way into the kitchen and grabbed a small notebook. I scribbled down a short message and tore it away from the rest of the papers. Cautiously making my way up to his room, I gripped the note tightly. Quietly, I slipped through the doorway. He was still in the shower. I put the small piece of paper on his pillow, so he could see the words on it. I can't do this anymore. As an afterthought, I pulled off my engagement ring and placed it on the note. It gave the moment a pang of finality.
"What are you doing?" Hikaru asked, annoyed.
I jumped and spun around. I hadn't heard him leave the bathroom. Taking a deep breath, I told him what I should have said a long time ago.
"Leaving. Come find me after you find a heart, or a soul. Whichever comes first."
Like a prima ballerina
I will tiptoe, tiptoe around you constantly
Turning on my heel, I left him, dumbstruck, in the room. I wasn't sure if I'd ever come back, but I knew that what I had done was what I'd had to do, no matter how much it killed me. I didn't want to hurt him, and I knew that I had. But my heart couldn't take it, no matter how much I loved him.
"Kimi," I heard him whisper sadly.
His pain echoed within my heart, but I kept walking. If he wanted me, he would have to come after me, like I had done for him so many times before.
When you're furious
When you start to freeze
When you can't be touched
I feel everything
And when you despair
When you cannot breathe
When you wouldn't dare
I feel everything
When you're in ecstasy
But you're not with me
When you can't be touched
When you can't be loved
When you fall apart
When you have no heart
I feel everything