Perks of Being a Beta Male

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jaune, it's me, Ruby."

"Hey, Ruby. What's up?"

"Not much. It's all good here. Haven't seen you in a while. How're you doing?"

"Oh, same old same old."

"Great. Hey, I need to talk to you about something. Remember how when we were at Beacon and you were always asking Weiss out?"

"Okay, I'm going to stop you right there, Ruby. I got over her long before before you two even started dating, and I couldn't be happier for the both of you."

"Oh. Okay then. I'll just ask someone else."

"Wait, ask someone else for what?"

"Well, Weiss and I have been talking about it, and we decided that we want to try having kids."

"Wait, so you called me … to ask me … to …"

"To get Weiss pregnant, yes. And believe me, I've tried to do it myself, but it turns out you need boy parts for that, and I figured, hey, you got boy parts, and you had a thing for her back in the day, so why not? But if you're not interested I can call someone else. (You think you know a guy.) Ren and Nora. How open is their relationship?"

"Hold on! Let's not jump to conclusions here. Also, theirs is closed. Very closed. Anyway, let me see if I understand this correctly. You want me to come over and have sex with your wife."

"Only until you get a baby in her. I don't know how long that usually takes, so I'll understand if you're busy."

"No, I mean … yeah. My schedule is pretty open right now, so what are friends for, am I right?"

"So you'll do it? (He says he'll do it! What do you mean, of course he will?) Also, one more thing. I know this is asking a lot, but would you mind doing me too?"

"Sorry, what? I think there was a connection problem there, could you repeat that?"

"I said, 'Would you mind doing me too?' I just thought it would be really neat if our kids were related by blood, you know, because then they'd look alike and it would be so cute."

"Hold on, back up there. Are you asking me to have a threesome with you two? I'm asking because I hear that sort of thing a lot from people who are actually saying something else, so just to be clear, that is what you're saying, is it?"

"Ha! No, of course not."

"Oh. Right."

"I'm asking you to have sex with Weiss, and then have sex with me. A threesome. You know I wouldn't expect you to try to handle both of us at once! And if you need to take a break or two during it, that's okay. I know how easily you get tired."

"Huh. You know, Ruby, if you were anyone else, I'd think you were making fun of me. As it is, I have one … maybe two more questions. First question: is this a prank?"

"No, of course not. We're trying to start a family here, Jaune. That's serious business."

"Okay, second question: are you sure this isn't a prank?"

"Yes, I'm sure. We just want to have some kids. Weiss was really nervous about the idea because she is majorly insecure and was worried that the 'right guy' would turn me straight (well, you were), so we settled on asking you."

"Because there's no risk that I'll … you know what, never mind. My ego's not that important to me anyway. So when do you want me to come over?"

"Oh, whenever works for you. We're both pretty flexible. (He was going to find that out eventually, Weiss.) Also, one last thing. I know this is asking a lot, but Yang and Blake were kind of going through the same issue, and Sun … well, it's been kind of awkward since they broke up. Would it be okay if I volunteered you? Jaune? Hello? You still there? (I don't know, I think he got disconnected or something.)"

"I'll be there in five minutes."

"Hey, you're back! Five minutes? Um, we moved to Atlas, remember? We're practically on the other side of the world. Not even I'm fast enough to—"

"Five. Minutes."

WWW

A/n I normally don't do one shots or shipping fics, so doing both at once, well, it was out of my comfort zone. Still, I got to write a story exclusively using dialogue, so that was fun. TM Calypso edited it and came up with the idea. We were talking about probable canon ships and how Jaune was the sort of character who usually ends up with the main character or with his own harem in shows like this, and then this happened.. I thought about making a series out of this, but I figured each chapter would be the exact same story with different characters. Until he got to Cinder.

"No, I'm not having sex with Cinder! She killed Pyrrha!"

"(He says he doesn't want to have sex with you.) Aw, now she's giving me puppy dog eyes, Jaune! You have to do something!"

I'll probably never do anything like this ever again, but let me know what you thought all the same.