The TwentySeven Dysfunctional Apostle Ancestors

by Joak Drysso

A meeting of the twentyseven dead apostle ancestors gone awry. Couple uses of the fbomb, one or two other swears, but aside from that, totally tame.

The Twenty-Seven Dysfunctional Apostle Ancestors

A Tsukihime fic by

Joak Drysso

Somewhere in a dilapidated mansion…

BAM BAM BAM.

"Order! Order I say!" Trvhmn Ortenrosse shouted, slamming the gavel against the podium. The various…er…beings in the elongated dining hall suddenly quieted. They all looked to the speaker, who cleared his throat. "Now then. We're not here just to chit-chat, we do have an agenda to take care of here. However, we must begin with the pledge."

A chorus of groans met him. Rita Rozay-en scowled at Ortenrosse. "Do we have to? Come on, it's the most ridiculous procedure for a group of beings strong enough to destroy the world."

"The rules are the rules, Lady Rozay-en." Ortenrosse replied, rolling the 'r's. Grumbling, the collective rose and held out their right arms, fingers positioned to make a sign that was remarkably reminiscent of the metal 'sign of the devil'. Then, as one. Well…almost one. I mean, it's not like Primate Murder can speak or anything.

"We as the Twenty-Seven Dead Apostles do promise to drink only pure, undiluted blood from entirely unwilling victims. We do promise to cause as much havoc and chaos wherever we may travel to disrupt the peace of this world, without bringing its existence to an end. We also promise to make the church's life as difficult as possible."

Satisfied, Ortenrosse slammed the gavel again, and everyone sat down, Altrouge Brunestud in particular slumping into her seat and making the 'self-induced vomiting' gesture.

"Now then, we may proceed to role call." The head of the Apostles unrolled a decent-sized scroll, shaking it a bit to get the dust off. Then, clearing his throat again, Ortenrosse started.

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number One. Primate Murder."

The doomsday dog lifted his head and howled in response, the acoustics of the room causing the sound to reverberate and forcing everyone to cover their ears until Altrouge kicked him. Yelping, he sank to the floor, but immediately panted happily as Altrouge gave in and scratched his head. "For a dog that takes seven counter guardians to restrain, you sure are a wuss."

"Ahem." Ortenrosse interrupted, mumbling to himself about snotty princesses.

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Two. The Dark Six."

"Still regenerating." That was Enhance.

"Wasn't somebody supposed to go try and speed that up?"

Enhance suddenly looked around shiftily. "Uh…no.…"

"Lovely. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Three. Crimson Moon Brunestud."

"Killed trying to crash the moon into the planet. Really, we all know this, do we have to go through everyone?" Altrouge complained.

"We will go through them all if I say we will, Ms. Brunestud!" Ortenrosse snapped. "Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Four. Wizard Marshall Zelretch. Thankfully, not-"

"Present!"

All eyes suddenly turned to the elderly form that walked into the room. Ortenrosse narrowed his eyes at the man.

"And what exactly are you doing here?"

"Well, I am a Dead Apostle Ancestor thanks to Brunestud. And come on, the chance to cause you mental anguish on this kind of level is just too good of an opportunity to pass up."

"How quaint. I hope this meeting is especially painful for you. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Five. ORT."

"Still in South America. Come on, can we even really count ORT as an Apostle? So it killed the old number five, it doesn't do anything but sit there and freak us out when we go near it." Enhance spoke up again.

"Did you actually try to bring it here?"

Rizo-Waal Strout gave Ortenrosse an evil glare from the seat on Altrouge's right. "It cut me in half."

"Excuse me?"

"We tried to bring it here. It cut me in half. Does that answer your question?"

Ortenrosse blinked a few times, then returned to his roster. "Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Six, Rizo-Waal Strout, accounted for. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Seven. Einnashe."

"We have no clue. First off, he's now a sentient forest. Second, from what I've heard, one of the Burial Agent members killed him anyways. He was hard to find before, but he's slipped off the radar now." Altrouge explained.

"Of course. Now, Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Eight, Fina-Blood Svelten."

A knight in polished white armor, seated on Altrouge's left, stopped his glaring contest with Rita Rozay-en long enough to respond. "Present."

"A normal answer. Goodie. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Nine, Altrouge Brunestud."

"Here, you stingy oldtimer." The young dark-haired woman replied, busily inspecting her nails. Ortenrosse chose to ignore her choice of words.

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Ten. Nirvin…nervin…nivan…screw it. Nero Chaos."

"Killed by some glasses-wearing doofus in Japan."

"I see. Well then. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Eleven. Stanrobe Calhin."

"He's here, but he's not corporeal. Does that really count as being present?" Altrouge queried.

"It's good enough for this bunch." Zelretch quipped. "Considering half of your members are dead or sealed away."

"Back to business…" Ortenrosse inserted. "Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Twelve…empty."

Zelretch smirked.

Ortenrosse looked at the next name on his list, and frowned. Deeply. He glanced up, and then back down, and he seemed to brace himself for pain. "Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Thirteen. TATARI."

"KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO KATTO!" TATARI spun about the room in an ever-widening gyre, before slamming headfirst into a wall and falling to the ground.

Ortenrosse looked about ready to cry.

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Fourteen. Van-Fem."

"Present." The man grated out between clenched teeth. He was glaring fiercely at Svelten, and for a moment Ortenrosse could swear that Svelten was glaring at Rita with one eye and Van-Fem with the other. What did I ever do to deserve this? The ancestor thought to himself.

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Fifteen. Rita Rozay-en."

The woman looked away from Svelten and at Ortenrosse, then arose with dramatic flourish and bowed. "Present, of course, milord."

"Spare the theatrics. Please. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Sixteen. Gransurg Black-more."

"Sealed by the church." Enhance spoke, flipping to the next page on his little notepad, a bored expression on his face.

"How unexpected." Ortenrosse monotoned. "Number Seventeen is, of course, present. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Eighteen, Enhance."

"Present, of course." The Apostle then murmured to himself. "Though I really, really don't want to be."

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Nineteen is…empty."

Zelretch's smirk turned into a grin.

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Twenty, Merm Solomon is…not he-"

"Wait! Wait! I'm here! Sorry for being late, it took me a moment to get permission from Narbarek to come here." A freakish amalgam of human and animal parts entered the room – the only easy way to identify the mass of flesh as Merm was the notable Arcueid Brunestud merchandise that he carried on him, especially the large shirt decorated with Arcueid's face.

Altrouge twitched.

Zelretch restrained the urge to laugh.

"Okay. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Twenty-One, Sumire."

"mmmheeeeeeere." The sloshed Apostle answered from the floor.

"Can't you ever show up sober? I swear to god."

"Heeeey, don't blaaame meeee, Iiiii didn't spiiiike the waaaaater…" With that, she chose to empty the contents of her breakfast onto the floor.

"Delightful. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Twenty-Two…empty."

Zelretch chuckled.

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Twenty-Three…empty"

Now Zelretch was laughing.

Ortenrosse spit him with a hateful glare, but that did nothing to halt the Wizard-Marshall's laughing.

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Twenty-Four. El Nahat. Is this guy actually Spanish or was it just a stylistic choice or what?"

There was silence as everyone stared at Ortenrosse, who decided he wanted to become a part of the podium.

"Sealed by the church with their most powerful artifact." Altrouge commented a few moments later, after Ortenrosse had been suitably embarrassed.

"Really. Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Twenty-Five…empty."

Zelretch's chair fell over backwards.

"Dead Apostle Ancestor Number Twenty-Six…empty."

For a moment, there was nothing in the hallway but the sound of Zelretch's laughter. Finally, Primate Murder got upset by the noise and bit the top half of Zelretch's body off, although the Wizard-Marshall turned Dead Apostle merely regenerated. "You guys have no sense of humor."

"And last, but not least –" he was interrupted by a chorus of sighs of relief. "- Caubac Alcatraz."

"Still locked up."

"Oh come on. Hasn't anyone been able to find that damn key yet?!"

Nobody answered.

Ortenrosse sighed. Why was he forced to lead these meetings?

"All right, now that we're done with roll call, I think we can finally get down to business. Secretary, do you have the minutes from the last meeting?"

Altrouge looked up from where she was petting Primate Murder. "No. Do you think I actually write down stuff you tell me to? All I remember was that we agreed to order out for pizza, and there is a distinct lack of pizza here."

"Well, excuse me, Domino's doesn't deliver to Bumfuck Nowhere, Ireland."

"Hmph." Altrouge crossed her arms and pouted. To any normal, warm-blooded male, the sight would have induced in them the sheer need to go find a Domino's in the vicinity of Bumfuck Nowhere, Ireland, and get her her pizza.

To Ortenrosse, it was simply an annoyance.

"Well then. From what I can recall, we had to discuss a couple of items regarding the make-up of the Twenty-Seven Dead Apostles. Would anyone like to make a motion?"

Enhance raised his hand.

"The floor recognizes Enhance."

"I motion that we change our name. We call ourselves the Twenty-Seven Dead Apostles, but do you notice that there are only what, twelve members here, not counting Zelretch? Come on. I didn't study math, but I know that twelve doesn't equal twenty-seven as much as I know that three and five are even numbers."

Ortenrosse's eyebrow twitched.

Nobody really bothered to correct Enhance about the odd/even thing.

"Would anyone else like to make a motion?"

Altrouge raised her hand.

"The floor recognizes Altrouge."

"I motion that we discuss the application of one Yumizuka Satsuki."

"Do we have a second?"

For a moment, there was silence, before a soft thmph and a yelp from Primate Murder. "That means he seconds." Altrouge clarified to the assembly. Nobody argued against it.

"So, what position are we voting to nominate her for?"

"I say twenty-six." Merm spoke. "She's going to have to move her way up in the ranks or kill one of us to claim our position."

There was a general murmur of agreement in the assembly, when Altrouge slammed her hands on the desk. "I say that she should not be accepted into the Dead Apostle Ancestors! If she comes in, I won't be the only good-looking one!"

Rita was furious, and Sumire probably would have been too were she sober enough to really understand what Altrouge had said – she instead put her hand above the table and made a thumbs-up to Altrouge. "Youuuu gooooo girl"

Ortenrosse slammed the gavel on the desk. "Order, order! Now, does anyone have an objection, one that isn't about vanity?"

Altrouge's hand, which had shot up, slowly descended.

"Okay. All in favor of inducting Yumizuka Satsuki into the Twenty-Seven – TWENTY-SEVEN, ENHANCE" Ortenrosse roared as Enhance prepared to protest. "Dead Apostle Ancestors, say aye."

More than half present vocalized aye. "All against, say nay."

"NAY." Altrouge emphasized, but she was the only one to say anything.

"Those who abstain, please give your reasons."

There was only one person who abstained, and immediately Ortenrosse swore to himself when he saw who it was.

"I FEEL PRETTY, OH SO PRETTY, OH SO PRETTY, AND WITTY, AND-"

"SHUT UP, TATARI!" Ortenrosse screamed, and threw the gavel at the number thirteen, striking the mentally-out-of-order vampire square in the head.

By some unknown means, the gavel returned to Ortenrosse's extended hand, and he cleared his throat.

"Now then, the second matter. One specific individual I think we all know, Roa. We need to decide what we're going to do about him. Her. It. Thing."

"That won't be necessary." Zelretch interjected from his seat.

"Why not?"

"Roa's gone."

"He'll resurrect like he always does. We need to discuss how to bind him so that he doesn't."

"You misunderstand me. He's gone. The being that was Roa has ceased to exist to the world."

"So wait. You're saying that someone out there managed to do what we, some of the strongest beings on the planet, hell, in the solar system, couldn't."

"Yeah. The glasses-wearing doofus who killed Nero? That was him."

"…"

"…"

"No fucking way."

"Yes way."

"…well then. I suppose that particular order of business is closed then. Anyone else have a motion?"

TATARI raised his hand.

Ortenrosse felt like screaming. "Yes, TATARI?"

"I MOTION TO KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THE NOTION TO ROCK THE BO-"

"SHUT UP, TATARI!" The gavel once again found its mark square in the thirteenth dead apostle's face.

"I have a motion." Enhance raised his hand.

"The floor recognizes Enhance…again."

"I once again motion to change the name of-"

"For the last time, we are NOT changing the name of the Twenty-Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors. I don't care if there's forty or fourteen, we are the Twenty-Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors. You know what, I myself have a motion. I move that we kick Enhance out of the Twenty-Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors and give Yumizuka Satsuki his number."

There was a hushed silence, before TATARI opened his mouth. "OOOH, YOU GOT BUUUURNED! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE FOR THAT BUUUUURN?!"

"SHUT UP, TATARI!" Gavel'd.

Altrouge raised her hand. "I think I'd like to second that motion. I do believe that Enhance is wearing thin on poor little Primate Murder here, yes he is, yeeees he is!"

Enhance looked around in mild disbelief.

"Fair enough. Let's put it to a vote. All in favor of removing Enhance from the Twenty-Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors, say aye."

A resounding 'aye'.

TATARI, once again, did not respond.

Ortenrosse hated this job.

"TATARI, why did you once again abstain?"

"No. You hurt my feelings."

"…excuse me?"

"You threw a gavel at me three times and told me to shut up. So I'm not playing with you anymore."

"…wow. I'm sorry. I didn't realize…wow, I'm really sorry, TATARI, for all the rude things I've-"

"WALLA WALLA WASHINGTON!"

"SHUT UP, TATARI!" Gavel'd.

"Okay, so it's been decided. Pack your bags, Enhance, because you're out of he-"

In a flash, Enhance had drawn the Holy Crematal Artillery Scripture, and the wild-eyed look forced everyone to stop.

Then Primate Murder bit Enhance's arm off.

Funny how quickly the whole psychotic episode thing comes around to bite some people in the ass, right?

"Erm…ahe….hehe…sorry bout that?" In a flash, Enhance had scraped up his gun and high-tailed off out of the room, Primate Murder hot on his trail. A couple moments later, a scream of "WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUST TAKE A HUGE BITE OUT OF MY ASS?!" wafted back into the meeting room, and everybody burst out laughing.

"Okay. So. Hehe…does anyone else have anything that they want to say before I adjourn this meeting of the Twenty-Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors?"

"Yeah, I do." Zelretch rose out of his chair, and stretched a bit.

"Screw you guys. I'm going home." With that, Zelretch disappeared.

"…okay then. With that, I hereby declare this meeting of the Ancestors closed."

BAM BAM BAM.

"GOOOOOOOOOOD NIIIIGHT EVERYBODY!"

"SHUT UP TATARI!" Gavel'd.