A/N: Based on a Snickers advert where an American football player is tackled and wakes up a bit confused. I started this a few years ago and finally got around to rewriting it, though I'm still not very sure about it. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that it takes place after OotP in an AU sixth year.
Before there was anything there was a crowd roaring. He took a few moments before he could muster the strength to open his eyes. His eyes did not take long to focus, and he was ready to rise to his feet. However, he was stopped from standing up by a red-haired boy.
"No, I'm ready to play," he insisted.
"You got hit pretty bad," the red-haired boy explained. "Do you know where you are?"
"Of course, I'm at the Quidditch game."
"Do you know who I am?"
"This is silly. You're Ron Weasley. Now can I please play?"
"Do you know who you are?"
It seemed like such a trivial question. Of course he would know who he was. But for a moment he could not quite remember...
Then someone flashed overhead, their shadow striking across him and he remembered the night... he remembered a great winged beast moving towards him... it was so elegant... so beautiful.
And it was suddenly all clear.
"I'm Batman!"
"Okay, that's it; you're going to see the Nurse."
"You don't understand! I'm Batman."
"No, I do, I do. But you have to go and see the Nurse, Harry."
"Batman," he corrected.
"Of course, how silly of me," Ron said with a groan. He turned to another boy. "Go and get Hermione. I think she might want to see this."
###
He at least seemed to recognise the Hospital Wing, and he knew who Madam Pomfrey was. Ron was relieved that at least they probably wouldn't have to explain to him that he was a wizard.
Unfortunately, their attempts to prove to him that he wasn't a masked vigilante who ran about defeating criminals were not exactly going well.
"This is not like fixing a broken bone," Madam Pomfrey had explained to Ron and Hermione. "There is no magic potion to help fix injuries to the mind. In fact, he may never get his memory back." Hermione had sobbed into Ron's shoulder for a while before they decided to try and talk some sense into Harry.
"Listen, Harry," Ron began, but Hermione cut him off.
"You can't go around telling everyone you're Batman. They'll think you're crazy!" she exclaimed. Harry looked puzzled.
"But I am Batman," Harry said.
"Yes, but..." Ron started, but found he could not finish.
"But you have to keep your secret identity," Hermione said. "Otherwise, your enemies will know who you are and will try and hurt your friends to get to you." She conjured up the saddest looking face she could muster. "You wouldn't want your enemies to get us, would you Harry?" Harry at least seemed to consider this for a moment.
"So, in public, I pretend to be Bruce Wayne?" Harry asked.
"No, you pretend to be Harry Potter," Hermione replied.
"Why can't I be Bruce Wayne?"
"Because your name is Harry Potter!" Ron snapped.
It wasn't much, but at least now he would answer to his real name.
###
Madam Pomfrey declared Harry physically fit to leave the Hospital Wing a few days later. As no cure could be found for his mental condition, she advised that he have a counselling session with her at least once a week until he stopped tying a bed-sheet around his neck and jumping out of cupboards at people.
Hermione and Ron weren't exactly pleased about this. Hermione thought exposure to the rest of the school might be too much for Harry. Ron simply thought that Harry needed to be committed.
"We'd visit him!" Ron tried to explain at lunch while Hermione was fuming at him.
When Harry returned to the Great Hall the next morning for his first visit since the accident, there was quite a surprising result.
"Hi, thanks for coming out," he said, shaking several people's hands. "Lovely to see you."
"Harry, what the bloody hell are you doing?" Ron demanded.
"Well, no one would ever suspect that Harry Potter is actually Batman," he replied, in a tone of voice that allowed at least thirty people to clearly hear what he was saying. "With his frequent donations to charity, many business connections and generally charming personality, Harry Potter is the perfect cover for someone as covert and brutal as Batman."
Ron had personally always found Harry to be a bit of a moody git, but he said nothing. He went to eat his breakfast, and allowed Harry to continue greeting various students from the school. There was a particularly interesting moment when Harry had greeted Professor Snape, who had looked furious when he attempted to hug him.
"So, he still thinks he's a superhero then?" Hermione asked Ron. "No changes of heart in the night, or perhaps a particularly vivid dream where he remembers who he was?"
"Nope, he's still barmy."
"Ron!"
By dinner that evening, Ron and Hermione were totally at a loss. Every time a teacher had asked Harry a question he didn't immediately know the answer to he had accused said teacher of being the Riddler, and attacked them. As the teachers had wands and Harry was ignoring his, the fights all wound up pretty one-sided, and Harry had landed himself in a week's worth of detentions.
Ron's only knowledge of Batman was what Hermione had told him, and she wasn't exactly an expert on the subject herself.
"God, this can't go on," Ron groaned. "He'll be expelled by next week at this rate."
"No, I think maybe we just need to explain that Hogwarts is not bursting with super-villains," Hermione said.
"How can we do that if he's in classes? We've got Potions with the Slytherins tomorrow. We'll be lucky if he doesn't kill someone."
###
Harry was having troubles of his own. Clearly, his initial strategy for protecting the innocent people of Hogwarts from the forces of evil was not working, if all the detentions were anything to go by. He needed to try a more subtle approach.
He'd been walking back to the Gryffindor House from his detention with Professor McGonagall when suddenly he heard a ruckus around the corner. Rather than charge in head first, he peered around to see that a blonde boy had a red-haired girl pinned against the wall.
"Well, looks like the Boy-Who-Lived will have nothing to do with you now," the boy drawled. Harry thought his name may have been Draco Malfoy, though he wasn't entirely sure how he knew that.
"Shut up. Leave me alone, Malfoy," the girl whimpered. Behind Malfoy, two massive boys began to guffaw.
They were bullying that young girl! Harry thought furiously. He could not stand aside and allow that to happen. Luckily, he had a plan.
While he had been in the Hospital Wing he had hidden something from everyone. He had designed a suit, and a mask he could wear to protect his identity. He'd worn his suit under his robes for just this occasion. It was largely made from grey spandex, which fit tightly to his lean form. The suit was complimented by a pair of black gloves, black boots and a pair of black underpants he wore over it. He had hastily added a bat-like symbol to his belt that morning, and a similar yellow and black symbol rested on his chest. He quickly transfigured his robes into a suitable black cape, and donned the bat mask.
He burst from his hiding place and yelled, "Be afraid, evil-doers! Your hour of reckoning is at hand!"
"Potter?" Malfoy asked, completely baffled. "What the bloody hell are you –?"
His question was cut short when Harry punched him squarely in the face.
"I am vengeance! I am the night!" Harry exclaimed, drawing himself up to his full height and flapping his cloak. "I am Batman!"
The two big boys obviously had no idea how to react to this. So they decided to rush Harry at the same time. Harry was ready for it, and dropped to the ground as they reached him, causing them to both stumble over him and go crashing into the ground. Harry then proceeded to rough Malfoy up a little bit more.
"Be warned, vile fiend, next time I may not be so lenient!" Harry roared, before tossing Malfoy to the ground. He turned to the red-haired girl. "Have no fear, my lady. You have been saved, by the Batman!"
"Wow, Harry, er... Batman," the girl said. "Thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?"
"No. Knowing that you're safe is all the payment I need," he replied. The girl looked slightly disappointed.
"Are you sure? You don't want a good snog, or maybe just a few sexual favours? Someone who owns that much spandex must be up for a little rough and tumble." She wiggled her eyebrows.
"No, it would be wrong for me to exploit you in such a way," Harry said. "Fare well good citizen. May the next time we meet be under better circumstances."
###
Ginny had been back in the Common Room for approximately ten seconds before she proceeded to tell everyone about the dreamy hero in tight spandex that had saved her from Malfoy. Many of the girls seemed particularly interested in the outfit he was wearing.
"And you could see everything?" one of them asked.
"Well, not quite. He was wearing a pair of pants that obscured some of the good bits, but what you could see looked mighty fine," Ginny said. She gave a sigh and stared dreamily off into space.
Ron had never quite understood Ginny's fascination with Harry. Sure, he was famous and everything, but he had always been a bit weedy and never well groomed. Even some of the most open-minded girls in Gryffindor looked a bit sceptical at Ginny's description of the masked stranger as "a spandex-clad Adonis."
Moments later Harry arrived, making a fairly poor attempt at looking nonchalant. Ron had to wave to get him to come over to where he and Hermione were sitting.
"Harry, you can't go around beating up Slytherins," Hermione scolded. "If you see someone being bullied, you ought to report it to a teacher!"
"The cops in this town are crooked," Harry replied, before realising what he said. "I mean, what are you talking about, Hermione?" Hermione huffed.
"You know fine rightly what I'm talking about, Harry James Potter! You beat up Malfoy tonight. Don't try and lie to me; we bloody know your 'secret identity'!"
"I suppose someone has to know," Harry said, looking thoughtful. "Ron, how would you like to be my butler? You could help look after my Batcave. I'll pay you well."
"Harry, you haven't got a cave," Hermione pointed out, as Ron looked fairly enthusiastic at Harry's offer and couldn't be allowed to encourage this sort of behaviour.
"Trivial details, Hermione," Harry said, leaning back into his chair. "All will be sorted out in due time."
###
Hermione putting down his Batcave idea got Harry thinking. He couldn't do this alone. He was going to need a sidekick. But who?
Ron seemed the obvious choice, but perhaps he was too obvious. And his distinctive hair and freckles would give him away instantly. Hermione wouldn't work either. She was a girl.
He looked around the Gryffindor Common Room, deciding it would be best to settle for someone in his own house. Unfortunately, he was only really familiar with a handful of Gryffindor boys.
Dean Thomas might have been a good choice, but Harry felt he was of strong enough build to be a threat to Harry if they had a disagreement.
Seamus Finnigan could also have been a good choice, but the sobriety issues may have been a problem.
Colin Creevey had a camera and was, by extension, the Press. He had to be avoided at all costs.
That left lowly Neville Longbottom. He had the advantage that he would probably know his place, and he definitely wouldn't look hotter than Harry in spandex.
###
A few weeks had passed, and Harry gave no sign that he was getting any better. In fact, he appeared to have recruited Neville Longbottom to take on the role of Robin. Neville was, at best, a well-proportioned boy, and looked quite frankly ridiculous in his skin-tight outfit.
Professor Snape was particularly annoyed about Harry's antics, as it seemed to be largely his Slytherin students who were being attacked. Dumbledore would hear no criticism against Harry though; who he was convinced was still finding his feet after the accident. Snape had attempted to place Neville in detention instead, but Harry had staged a jailbreak and nearly destroyed an entire Potions lab.
Although forbidden by Dumbledore to place him in detention, Snape was still allowed to take away House Points. The Gryffindors stood firmly at zero points, and even when McGonagall had given Hermione twenty points in Transfiguration, the number still had not gone up.
Then there was Ginny, who was deliberately trying to put herself in danger to try and attract Harry's attention. It wasn't working as well as she had hoped, as the Slytherin's had quickly learnt to flee at the sight of her, leaving her chasing after them shouting, "Please, try and molest me!"
Then there was poor Michael Corner. He'd had a tragic accident in Potions, and was just on his way to the Hospital Wing to have the burns healed when Harry burst from the shadows in full costume and proclaimed, "Two-Face, ye villainous cur, face the might of the Caped Crusader!" When Michael was finally carried to the Hospital Wing one side of his face was still badly burnt and the other had been beaten bloody by Batman.
Despite all this, Ron decided that it was time to get Harry back to Quidditch training. He pulled his Beaters aside at the start of training.
"If at all possible, try and hit him on the head," Ron whispered to them. "Just don't be too obvious about it. And for Merlin's sake, don't tell Hermione."
Ron didn't save many goals during the first few practices as he was focusing more on Harry than the Quaffle. He still seemed a bit out of it, and didn't catch the Snitch as many times as he normally did in a practice session.
Ron felt a little down-hearted when he returned to the Gryffindor Tower after practice one evening. Hermione was waiting for him though, having finished his Transfiguration essay for him.
"How did it go?" Hermione asked. Ron groaned and collapsed into a chair.
"Well, this week he didn't try and strangle any of the Chasers, so I think I'll call that a win," Ron replied. Hermione looked thoughtful for a moment.
"We might never get him back," Hermione said.
"No, don't be silly," Ron said, sitting up so he could grab her hand to try and reassure her. "Look, Harry's come through worse than this. Before you know it, he'll be better and we can be fed up with him moaning about Voldemort or Cho Chang again in no time." Hermione smiled, but her face suddenly fell.
"Oh no, don't turn around, Ron," she pleaded. Ron instead obeyed his natural instinct, and turned around.
He had never seen the Common Room have such a reaction to his sister entering the room. Then again, he had never seen his sister dressed like that before.
She had taken a leaf out of Harry's book, but was now wearing what, at first, appeared to be a skin-tight, leather outfit which stopped a decent bit north of the knee to show off a bit of thigh, complete with knee-high black boots and long, black gloves. To complete the outfit, she had attached a mask that surrounded her eyes, and had a pair of black cat's ears sticking out of her hair.
Many of the boys in the Common Room muttered their approval, and one boy even shouted, "Dave, look at her breasts!" Ron made a note to kill the boy later, as right now he was too gob-smacked to muster any sort of coherent response.
Ginny came over to wear he and Hermione were sitting.
"What do you think?" she asked. Ron assumed she couldn't possibly have been asking him, as there was no way he would approve of such a thing.
"Ginny, what are you doing?" Hermione asked.
"Well, whenever Harry first started running about in spandex and looking oh-so-dreamy," Ginny gushed, as if she'd been waiting to tell this story for a long time. "I spent most of my pocket money buying as many Batman comics as I possibly could, and I found out that his main love interest is Catwoman."
"Ginny, this is bad, even for you," Hermione tried to reason with her. "You've dressed up as Catwoman to try and lure Harry!"
"I know. I had to spend all that was left of my money on my costume."
"Well, obviously, you didn't have enough money," Ron said, finally finding his voice. "Because most of your costume seems to be missing." Ginny blinked.
"Ron, this is the whole costume. I even have a whip. Look."
She unfurled said whip, and promptly demonstrated that she had perhaps not practiced much with it yet, as she managed to slice Ron's Transfiguration essay cleanly in half.
"I spent ages doing that essay!" Ron shouted. He then looked at Hermione, who was glaring at him. "Well, okay. Hermione spent ages doing that essay! And what were you thinking, Ginny? Harry won't fall for this, and you just look like some sort of street-walker!"
"How dare you!" Ginny snapped, standing up and placing her hands on her hips. "I have put a lot of effort into this. And it's bloody well going to work."
Ron proceeded to use various other words relating to "scarlet woman" that his mother would not approve of, until Harry came in and got very annoyed. He didn't even bother changing into his Batman costume before tackling Ron.
"Look, Ginny, are you al – WOAH-HO-HO!!"
Harry seemed totally awestruck by Ginny's new attire, if his garbled response to it was any indication. Ron would have been proud of his little sister finally attracting her crush's attention, were it not for her complete lack of clothing.
"You must have me confused with someone else," Ginny said, shifting her weight to stick her bottom out a bit. Harry seemed very impressed by this, though Ginny carried on talking. "I'm Catwoman, an experienced jewel-thief who's been very, very naughty."
Harry took a long moment to swallow. "Have you now?" he managed to gasp. Ron was concerned that if this continued poor Harry might suffocate. Ginny took a step closer to him.
"I'm such a naughty kitty," Ginny said, taking a step closer to him. Even Ron had to admit that she was playing this quite well, given that the entire Gryffindor Tower was focused on her and her backside.
For that reason, Ron could not let it continue. He attempted to toss his cloak over her, but Harry quickly booted him in the stomach and shoved him aside. Ginny bit her lip and took a step closer.
"Well, it's during the night that I enjoy my.... prowling," she whispered. "I do hope no big bad bats try and disturb me." Then she leant forward and kissed Harry softly on the lips. Harry did not take his eyes off of her as she left, and continued to stare after her even after the portrait hole had closed behind her.
"Harry?" Hermione asked, aware of all the mutterings currently filling the room.
"Er, um, yes, ah," Harry mumbled. "I have to, um, take a walk. Um, yes."
"Harry, do you need me to come with you?" Neville asked, leaping out of his seat with surprising grace.
"Er, no, I think I'll be fine," he said, before dashing out the portrait hole.
He had been gone for a moment before Hermione spoke again.
"Well, this complicates things," she said.
"How so?" Ron asked
"Well, if Ginny's dating Harry, then if he gets his memory back and stops thinking he's Batman, then he might break up with Ginny," Hermione said. Ron was still feeling the effects of Harry's kick, and didn't exactly feel sympathetic with Ginny.
"That's her fault then," Ron growled. "But I want my best friend back. The one who doesn't kick me in the stomach."
###
He had put his costume back on, but all he really wanted was for her to rip it straight back off. He knew that he shouldn't do this. She was a self-confessed jewel thief. But his desire for her was overwhelming, and she looked so incredible in that outfit.
He'd chased her down as quickly as he could, eventually cornering her in a dim corridor on the seventh floor. He wondered if that was on purpose.
"Oh no, you've found me," she gasped. He couldn't help but smile. She didn't sound all that upset at being apprehended. "Well, you won't get me without a fight."
Harry didn't mind that. He grabbed her as hard as he could, before pulling into a much-more forceful kiss than they had experienced before. Ginny, and he had had no doubt who it was from the moment he laid eyes on her, led him back through a door into what appeared to be some sort of bedroom. Harry wondered why such a room existed on the seventh floor, but soon didn't care.
Ginny somehow managed to gain the upper hand, tripping him up and tossing him onto the bed. He was on his back and quickly she was on top of him. Her long fingernails tore through the fabric on his chest, and ripped open.
"Be careful, Big Bad Bat," she whispered. "This kitten has claws." She ran her nails across his chest. He groaned loudly as she left big, red scratches behind. He grabbed her by the hips and ground into her, causing her to gasp in delight.
Suddenly he found strength and managed to roll her over, pinning her to the bed. She lay slightly on her side, so that Harry found himself pressed up against her bottom. He removed the glove on his right hand, so that he could trace the feel of the soft leather down her side until he came to the soft flesh of her hip.
Suddenly she tried to escape again, but Harry was determined to stay in control. He pulled the Batcuffs off of his belt, and snapped them around Ginny's wrists. She gasped in surprise as she found herself handcuffed to the bed. She quickly regained her composure though.
"What are you going to do to me, Batman," she asked with wide eyes. Harry had never been so aware of just how tight his outfit was.
"I have to..." He gulped. He desperately wanted to play this game, but it was fast becoming difficult to keep his cool. "I'm going to punish you myself, Catwoman." She giggled in response to him using that name. He leant down to kiss her mask, and felt her legs wrap around his waist.
"Oh, punish me, Batman," she moaned.
###
"Well, what happened then?" Hermione asked.
"He, um, punished me," Ginny said with a wink. "Twice." Both girls broke down into a fit of giggles, though Ron looked very ill.
"My life is over," he moaned. He lowered his head into his hands and wondered why he had continued to listen to this conversation for so long.
"You and Harry seem awfully cool with each other, though," Hermione pointed out.
"Well, he's pretending that he doesn't know I'm Catwoman," Ginny replied. "We never took the masks off at all last night. It was so hot."
"I wondered," Hermione said. "You see, Harry might think he's putting you in danger if he starts dating you. He takes this whole Batman thing very seriously. I worry, Ginny, that it's just a game to you. What if one of you winds up getting hurt?"
"Don't worry; I know what I'm doing."
"Ginny," Ron interrupted. "No one, in the entire history of the universe, has ever even considered doing anything like what you are doing now. Can you think of any reason why that would be?"
"Because they didn't know any cute boys who thought they were Batman?" Ginny suggested.
"No, because it's incredibly stupid," Ron said. "What are you going to do when he gets his memory back and realises that you've been taking advantage of him?"
"Weren't you listening to the story?" Ginny asked. "He had me handcuffed to the bed. I was hardly the one taking advantage of anyone." Ron was still not satisfied and fairly certain he never would be as long as he knew what his baby sister and best friend had been up to in the Room of Requirement whilst dressed in Muggle superhero outfits. For some reason, though, Hermione refused to Obliviate him, no matter how much he pleaded.
A few minutes later the owls arrived with the morning post, and the front page of the newspapers distracted Ron from his plight.
MASKED STRANGER TERRORIZES STUDENTS
The students of Hogwarts are living in fear. In recent weeks a vigilante known only as "The Batman" has been running amok through the halls of Hogwarts. Teachers stand idly by while this "Batman" takes the law into his own hands. He claims to protect the innocent and that he brings harm only to evil-doers. BUT is there more to it than that?
"He mostly attacks the Slytherins," says one anonymous source from within the castle. "But all of his targets have been Purebloods. I think he's got a vendetta against this."
This Daily Prophet reporter wonders what kind of world we live in where sanctity for Purebloods cannot even be found within the walls of Hogwarts castle.
More on pages 2-8, inside.
ALSO: Harry Potter makes obscenely large donation to St Mungo's, Pg 9
A picture that was quite clearly Harry in a Batman mask accompanied the story. He was still wearing his glasses over the mask.
"Well, I suppose it could have been worse," Ginny said.
"There are eight pages about Batman's vendetta against Purebloods," Hermione reminded her. "Including an interview with a leading psychologist on the matter. Apparently Harry's behaviour has something to do with Freud."
"That's a typical male attitude," Ginny added. "With them, everything is related to their penis. I mean, can't a guy run around in spandex beating up bad guys without it being about his desire to shag his own mother?"
Ginny and Hermione began to discuss the works of Sigmund Freud while Ron continued to read the paper. The Daily Prophet had included a list of possible suspects, and he was stunned to see that Harry was not one of them. Perhaps with the scar hidden behind the mask, the Prophet hadn't recognised him. Instead they had chosen several more improbable suspects, including Hagrid, Dumbledore, the drummer of the Weird Sisters, the Keeper of the Tutshill Tornadoes and Lord Voldemort himself.
###
Meanwhile, in the Slytherin Common Room, Harry's enemies plotted against him.
"It's absolutely outrageous!" Malfoy snapped. "Even with a story on the front page of the Daily Prophet, the Headmaster still ignores our plight. This would never have happened if my father was still on the Board of Governors."
"Sadly, your father is currently serving a jail term for Death Eater activity," Blaise Zabini said smugly. "So, we'll just have to come up with another plan."
"You know, these Muggle comics are pretty good," Goyle said. He was lying on the sofa with one of the offending comics. Malfoy slapped him across the head.
"Don't read that filth!" he snapped.
"Maybe Goyle has the right idea," Crabbe suggested. He also happened to be reading a comic book, though unlike Goyle he seemed to have gotten hold of a copy of Spiderman. "If we study the comic, maybe we'll find his weaknesses. Maybe we could kidnap his girlfriend, you know... that redhead..." He struggled for a moment to remember the name. "Lois Lane?" Malfoy slapped him as well.
"Merlin, you are both so stupid!" he snapped. He threw himself into an armchair and dropped his face into his hands. Pansy wandered over to sit on the armrest of the chair and lean on him.
"Drakey-poo –," she began, but Malfoy threw her off.
"I told you not to call me that!" he roared. "God, you're such a slag! Why don't you just dress up like a cat like that tart, Weasley?" Pansy, predictably, started to sob. Malfoy, however, had an idea.
"We kidnap Weasley!" he proclaimed. The Slytherins looked sceptical.
"You remember why we avoid Weasley in the corridors like the plague, right?" Blaise asked. "It's just; I'd rather not get my arse kicked by Potter again."
"We're going to set a trap for him," Malfoy explained. "We'll use Weasley as the bait, and then when we've got him, we'll...." He trailed off.
"We'll....?" Blaise asked. Malfoy flushed.
"Well, it's only the first draft of the plan. I've still got a few kinks to work out," Malfoy replied. "We'll work out what to do with him when we've got him, I suppose."
###
Unfortunately, Ginny Weasley did not like being kidnapped. She put up a lot more of a struggle than the Slytherins were happy with. Several of them were now sporting deep scratches on their faces, and Goyle had a dislocated shoulder. But eventually they'd managed to subdue her through sheer weight of numbers, and now the Slytherins had her tied up on top of the Astronomy Tower.
"What's wrong, Malfoy? Can't you get any girls to come up here with you willingly?" she teased. Blaise had wanted to gag her, but Malfoy seemed determined to "do this right." That meant explaining every detail of the master plan to her.
"Master plan?" Ginny asked, once it had been explained to her. "This is your master plan? Well, it's not very good, is it? You haven't even considered what you'll do if Harry comes up here and kicks your arse."
"We'll see whose arse will be kicked," Malfoy snapped. "Let us not forget that we outnumber Potter and his Golden Tea Group." Malfoy laughed at what he apparently thought was a clever joke. Despite the obvious scepticism in the Slytherin Common Room, all of the Slytherin Sixth Years had turned out for Malfoy's plan.
Harry kept them waiting though. It was after sunset before he made an appearance. Suddenly the moon seemed blocked from view, and the Slytherins cowered in fear.
"Right mates, you know the drill!" Harry proclaimed. "I am Batman, let's get to the arse kicking!" He lunged at Malfoy, and began beating him utterly senseless. Unfortunately, he didn't pay any attention to any of the others, who quickly subdued him and tied him to a chair.
"So now what, Mr Bright Ideas?" Ginny snapped at him.
"Never fear, good citizen," Harry said. Ginny was fairly impressed that he managed to maintain a straight face. "The Boy Wonder will save us."
The Boy Wonder in question, Neville Longbottom, soon found himself tied to a chair as well. He assured Harry not to worry, and that he had taken all the necessary precautions.
First came Seamus Finnigan in a Wolverine costume. Unfortunately he hadn't quite got the claws right yet, and was therefore no match for Goyle.
Dean arrived next dressed as the Green Lantern. Harry had vocally criticised his choice of costume, and while he and Dean argued about the lack of "cool" black superheroes, the Slytherins got the jump on him.
Lavender Brown had a rather successful effort dressed as Power Girl. The Slytherin boys had all been distracted by her cleavage, but unfortunately Pansy Parkinson prevailed in a fist fight (much to the disappointment of the male members of her House).
They were soon joined by Cho Chang as Jubilee, Colin Creevey as Jimmy Olsen (Harry had been extremely critical of this particular choice), Terry Boot as Daredevil (he had walked into several walls and eventually knocked himself out), Justin Finch Fletchley as Space Ghost, Ernie Macmillan as Rorschach, Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot and Luna Lovegood as the Powerpuff Girls and Zacharias Smith as Radioactive Man. The final person to turn up was Michael Corner, who was still carrying some of the injuries inflicted by Harry and so joined the bad guys.
"I just want you all to know something," Harry said, once they had all been tied up. "You all look absolutely ridiculous."
"It's a good thing they all came one at a time," Blaise pointed out. "We'd never have been able to beat them all if they'd all come at once."
"And you couldn't have told Hermione!" Ginny was shouting at the assembled members of the DA. "At least she would have had the good sense to bring some back up. Did you at least tell Ron?"
Ron chose that moment to make his spectacular entry dressed as Spiderman.
"Did you at least tell Hermione you were coming?" Ginny pleaded with him.
"Actually, she thinks I'm at Quidditch practice," Ron replied. "I actually had no idea you guys were up here. I've just been reading Harry's comic books all morning. You have a lot of them, mate. How come I never noticed them before?"
Harry and Ron proceeded to have a long, passionate discussion about an issue of Spiderman, while the Slytherins decided what they would do with all the "superheroes."
"We could slowly lower them into a pit full of snakes," Malfoy suggested.
"Why?" Pansy asked. Malfoy shrugged.
"It just seems like a very evil thing to do," he replied.
As Slytherins, they had no shortage of snakes available, and they were able to conjure up a hole fairly easily. They then strung the heroes upside by their ankles, and lowered them into the pit.
"This is not quite how I envisioned my death," Ron said. "For one thing, I wasn't wearing such a revealing outfit. And I definitely couldn't feel Seamus' claws pressing into my back."
"That's not me claws, mate," Seamus replied. Ron shuddered.
"The sooner I die; the better."
"Fear not," Harry said. "I have a plan."
As they were lowered slowly into the pit, Harry began to hiss at the snakes. The snakes seemed to all suddenly freeze, and Harry was able to reach down and grab one. He moved to extend the snake towards the rope at his ankles. The snake managed to bite the rope enough to cause it to snap, and allow Harry to hit the ground with a crash. He quickly untied Ginny, before starting to climb out of the pit.
Everyone else started shouting.
"There's no time," Harry insisted. "Don't worry. I've told the snakes not to bite."
His friends were not convinced that the snakes were going to listen to Harry, given how they were eying them up, but they weren't given much time to protest, as Harry and Ginny had already rushed the Slytherins.
Harry whipped just about every gadget his Batbelt had at the Slytherins. Most of these seemed to involve sharp things shaped like bats, which all did the job of distracting the Slytherins long enough for Ginny to deliver several rather painful looking kicks to a sensitive area. The kick Michael Corner received appeared to have extra venom in it. Harry could only stand back and be impressed while Ginny wrestled with Pansy Parkinson, and eventually knocked the girl out with a well executed Power Bomb.
"God, that was so hot," Harry said once she had finished applying her own brand of justice to the Slytherins. She gave a smile, and suddenly Harry felt his costume growing very tight again. He kissed her passionately, ignoring the cries of help from down in the pit.
He eventually had to withdraw for air, and Ginny slapped him around the back of the head.
"That's for rushing in to save me without thinking it through properly," Ginny said. "I would have thought you'd learned something from the Chamber of Secrets. What would have happened if Fawkes had never shown up? How would you have killed the Basilisk?"
"I didn't really think it through," Harry replied. "It was the same as back then. I was just so desperate to make sure you were okay." Ginny couldn't help but smile.
"Wait a minute... you remember the Chamber of Secrets?"
"Of course I remember the Chamber of Secrets," Harry said. "Merlin, you didn't think I really believed I was Batman, did you? It was just when I first came to after that Quidditch match I felt a bit confused for a day or so. I might have thought I was George Michael or something. Imagine how that would have turned out." Ginny was totally baffled.
"So why did you continue to run around dressed as Batman for the last two weeks?" Ginny asked.
"Well, it was fun to get away from it all," Harry said. "As Batman I could run about beating up whoever I liked. I even got to beat up that git Michael Corner."
"And why did you want to beat up Michael Corner?" Ginny asked.
"Because he said not-so-nice things about this girl, who I happened to quite like," Harry replied, winking at her. "And then you got the Catwoman suit. I was just so pleased to find out that you still loved me too-."
"Wait, what?" Ginny gasped, taking a step back. For a moment she expected Harry to look hurt, but he seemed to take it in his stride.
"We made love, didn't we?" Harry said. "It was so amazing. Even if I stop being Batman, I'd still like for us to do it again sometime. Maybe, though, we can be a real couple for a while." He looked very hopeful at this stage.
"You... you...?" Ginny muttered, still taken aback by it all.
"I love you, Ginny, yeah," Harry said with a smile that made Ginny's knees start to feel weak.
"Oh, Merlin, I love you too, Harry," Ginny said. "If I run back to the Tower, I can be back with my costume in a few minutes." She made to run, but Harry grabbed her and pulled her back. He pulled his own mask off, making sure to remove his glasses first, so he could put them back on.
"Maybe, this time, we could try it this way," Harry said. "It'll be like our first kiss all over again." He kissed her, and this time she took the lead, pushing him back against the wall. After a few minutes of bliss their kissing was broken up by Ron, whose costume was now torn and he was now covered in what looked a lot like snake bites.
"A little help would be nice," Ron snapped at them, before collapsing. Harry and Ginny rushed to help the others up out of the pit. Ginny took care to stamp on Malfoy's sensitive bits on the way past.
The End