Thank you little_angry_kitten18, for being a doll and proof reading this! Kisses.
Now and then I wonder….
What if…
What if I hadn't listen to my parents?
What if my brother hadn't clouded my judgement?
What if I had never accepted Garrett's offer?
What if I had never told her how much I love her?
There are so many what if's.
Nowadays I lay awake at night thinking about all the things I did and said. All the things left unsaid.
I miss her. I miss her as if I had lost a lung and can't breathe properly.
Sometimes I hate myself for it.
But most of the time I tell myself that even if she cannot ever correspond to my feelings at least I told her how I feel.
What I really hate are the nightmares, though.
You would think that considering my past, nightmares are pretty common.
They are…
Except this nightmares are not the bad kind, I simply can't call them dreams.
How could I when she is plaguing my mind in all of them?
When I know I will never walk into our living room, pull her by her hands and sway softly as a sappy song plays in our old record player.
Her hands would find my hair as I complain about the long day I had. Because any moment away from her would be too much.
That I'll never touch her delicate skin in a intimate way. Kiss her slowly, lazily, make love to her all night long, passionately, crazy, desperately.
I won't have her in my arms half asleep as I play with her hair, finally asking her if it's time for us to start a family.
I won't freak out of mind when she tells me we are going to be parents. And for the last nine months will act like a complete mother hen around her.
I won't wake up in the middle of the night by her gentle hands and voice asking me something absurd, because our child has a craving, our child, there's nothing more beautiful than those two words.
She won't hold my hand and tell me I'm an ass and she hates me for making her go through child birth.
I won't kiss her forehead after kissing our baby's hairless head and be even more enamored by the sight that are the woman I love and this little miracle we created together.
There are times I wake up with tears rolling down my cheeks and I let myself cry, that pain inside my chest almost suffocating me.
There was a time you were so close, yet so far away. Now you're too far and I can't get a glimpse of you. And your face haunts me.
I wish I could call you and listen to your voice…
I wish I could hug you and never let you go…
I wished this illusions were true…
God, I wish I could hold you and your child in my arms…
I wish you could complete me as you once had…
Without knowing, you captured my heart and soul the moment you asked, 'what up?'…
And if I have one regret is that I didn't chose you over my mission.
I should have done what I told you…
All I really wanted was to stay with you and imagine the world outside didn't exist.
Because I still love you, I don't think I'll ever be able to stop…