Robert Frost and I
The Road not taken
By: Robert Frost
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverge in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Slow down, Bai!"
"Calm down." I laughed at my mother. "I am going to speed limit, you know."
"I know you are. It's the other drivers I worry about. You should be careful when driving in the dark." My mother sighed, and I signaled for the turn.
"Is Inochi?" I asked, as I did a head check and turned onto a residential street. Looking to the back seat, where my little sister was siting, my mother smiled.
"She's sleeping." My mother sighed and I nodded. It had been a busy day for all of us. The three of us had woken up early to do some shopping for the holiday. After that, we had gone to the cemetery to visit my father, who had died two years ago of cancer. I let out a sigh. The holidays always depressed me. A time that was supposed to be spent with your entire family was no different, for me, than a normal day. My sister and my mother were my only living relatives.
'Yeah, well, fuck it all. I don't care! I'm happy with my family, no matter how small it is!' I mentally declared, steeling myself against the usual holiday blues. Suddenly, my mother screamed and I gasped in shock as a pick-up truck quickly appeared and began speeding down the road. Letting out a shriek, I turned the wheel quickly and felt my mother hold me back as the car slammed into a tree by the side of the road. There was a darkness and then a light that shone under my eyelids.
Groaning, I blinked a few times and opened my eyes. I tried to sit up but suddenly the room began to spin and I was trying to fight a sever headache.
"Oh, Christ." I muttered, as I tried to touch my forehead, but found that there was an IV and several other tubes connected to my body. "What the…"
"Oh, you're up!" A nurse gasped as she entered the room. Hurrying over to my side, the nurse pushed my arms back down onto the bed and looked around. "Don't move; you were seriously injured. Be still. Don't move, I'm going to go get something."
"Don't worry about me." I muttered softly. "I'm just going to wait here."
Looking around the room, I tried to figure out what had happened.
'We were driving, and then… then… oh shit. That truck.' I realized. 'We slammed into that tree pretty hard. I wonder how mother and Inochi are. I hope they're…'
I looked up and saw that the nurse had returned with a policeman.
"Hello." I smiled.
"Hello. My name is Officer Daniels."
"My name is Baishunfu Hitori. It's a pleasure to meet you." I nodded and the policeman took a seat next to my bed. "Is something wrong?"
"Ms. Hitori, I'm afraid I have some bad news."
"The accident…" I whispered.
"Yes."
"How bad are their injuries? Are my mother and sister alright?" I asked, swallowing hard.
"Your companions are both dead." The police told me and I felt the blood drain from my face in a rush.
"You're lying." I told him. "You have to be."
"I'm afraid I'm not."
"I don't believe you." I told him angrily. Reaching forward, I tossed the covers aside. I didn't care that I was only dressed in a hospital gown. I didn't care that the wires and tubes were being wrenched out from under my skin. I didn't care that the policeman was shouting at me to lie back down.
I didn't want to. I needed to see my mother. I needed to see my sister. I needed this to be a joke. I took a shaky step and watched as the room spun, making me dizzy.
"No." I begged, as I tried to regain my balance. Hoping for some support, I groped for the chair but it seemed to always move just out of reach. I closed my eyes to stop the room from spinning and I could feel the tears building up behind my eyelids. Opening my eyes to release the tears, I felt the tears run down my face, but my eyes were still wet. I looked down at the white tiled floor and tried to make sense out of the blurry image. I felt a strong pair of hands grabbed my shoulders and my knees buckled. I must have surprised my helper with my sudden weight because I suddenly slipped out of his grip. Smiling, I allowed myself to slip into the white oblivion.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I looked down at the graves of my father, mother and sister. The funeral was over. No one, with the exception of myself, had attended. I didn't care.
I didn't really care about anything anymore. I knew I ought to be dead. In fact, I would have died except that my mother had sacrificed herself to protect me. It hurt, the pain of losing my family, and I knew it would not lessen.
"Will you okay?" The priest asked as he moved to leave.
"Are you asking me if I'm thinking about suicide?" I asked, slightly amused.
"Well… yes."
"No. I will not kill myself. Whether I'm happy about it or not, my mother sacrificed herself to save me. It would dishonor her memory to kill myself. It is a nice idea, though, isn't?" I smiled at the priest.
"Suicide is never the answer." The priest replied.
"No, I don't suppose it is." I sighed as I looked up at the threatening clouds.
'Perhaps it will snow tonight.' I mussed. I looked back at the graves and noticed that the priest had left. Shrugging, I let out a sigh and sat down in front of the graves. I was alone. Truly alone. All I had was a bit of money that I was supposed to use for college. I didn't have any relatives. I didn't have any friends. I didn't even have the government on my side. Now that I was over eighteen, I was alone. I pressed my hand against my heart and tried to stop my tears.
"Mother. Father. Inochi." I whispered, before standing up. "I HATE THIS! And I hate you! Did you think about me when you saved my life? Huh, mother? It hurts me to live without you, but you just went ahead and save my life! STUPID, SELFISH BITCH! And you, my father and sister. All of you! Why did you all leave me? Did you hate me?! What did I do for you to leave me? Please. I need you."
I could feel the tears streaming down my face and I turned away from the graves, running away. I ran, and ran, and ran. I ran until my legs burned and I needed to stop. The tears were running down my face in a rush now and I couldn't stop myself. I pressed my hand against my mouth and nose, trying to cut off my air supply, but I continued to cry.
I let my knees bend and I collapsed against the rail that separated the sidewalk from the large river that flowed through the city.
"Mommy. I need you, Mommy. Help me?" I asked, as I reverted to my childhood name for my mother. "God. I can't do this on my own. I need someone."
I turned my face up to the sky and looked at the dark clouds as they began to spill their content of snow. The light flakes landed on my hair and eyelashes, melting as the soaked into my warm skin. And for a short time, I felt cleansed.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I was soon short on money. I decided to sell my house and I managed to find a simple apartment with a nice roommate who split the rent with me. Things weren't too bad at first.
I got a decent paying job. It wasn't the greatest, but it paid the bills.
I got a boyfriend. Shibo. He was cute as anything. His short brown hair and brown eyes were delicious to look at, and he had personality to boot. He was smart and kind and helpful. After a while, I moved in with Shibo and we even set a date for our wedding.
I loved Shibo, and he loved me. But it hurt me that he loved his fellow gang members as well. Shibo belonged to a gang that ruled half the city. I often worried about Shibo when he went to 'meetings', but he always came back relatively unharmed. I often begged him to leave his gang life, but he wouldn't. We would argue with each other and I would scream and shout at him. They were terrible, the arguments, but the sex after those arguments was incredible. Of course, I would have forgone sex for the rest of my life if Shibo would only leave his life in the gang.
"Shibo?"
"Yes?"
"The wedding is in a few weeks."
"And?"
"Will you promise me something?"
"It depends." Shibo smiled at me.
"Quit the gang."
"Oh, Bai. Not this again."
"No, Shibo! Please, I worry about you! Every time you go out that door, I fear that you're going to die like everyone else in my life. I can't allow you to die on me, Shibo."
"Bai…"
"Please?" I begged, wrapping my arms around his waist and nuzzling his chest.
"Bai, what's wrong? You've never begged me before. You've always demanded."
"I'm… I'm pregnant, Shibo. We're going to have a baby." I smiled.
"A child?" Shibo whispered, as he lightly touched my stomach.
"Yes, and I'm worried about you. What if you got hurt… or killed? And I always worry about you when you leave to meet your friends. What if I worry so much that I hurt the baby? This isn't just about me anymore." I sighed. "Please. Quit the gang, if only for our child."
"All right. All right." Shibo sighed and I looked up at him hopefully. "I'll leave. After the wedding."
"Promise?" I asked.
"Promise." Shibo smiled.
"Hold me. Hold me so close to you that I'll never be able to leave you." I whispered, and Shibo nodded.
"Forever and ever." Shibo swore.
"I love you." I grinned, and Shibo kissed my forehead.
"I know. Love you, too."
"Come on. Let's go to bed."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
"Bai! I'm going out." Shibo shouted as he started out the door.
"Shibo! Wait!" I called, running down the hall after him, as I pressed my hand against my swollen stomach. "Where are you going?"
"Bai…" Shibo sighed, but I just rubbed my stomach, drawing Shibo's eyes to it. "There's going to be a drive-by today."
"Oh, Shibo, no." I whispered. "Please don't go. Not so close to the wedding. It's only in two weeks."
"This is the last time. I swore I'd quit, didn't I?" Shibo sighed.
"But…"
"I have to. This is the last time." Shibo smiled, kissing me on the nose.
"Return to me…" I begged. "And the baby. Please don't leave us."
"I will." Shibo laughed at my silliness, before he turned to run out of the apartment building.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I shook my head and tried to get rid of the water that was still on my hair. I froze as I heard the door opened and I waited for Shibo to announce his arrival. But there was no call. Grabbing my towel, I wrapped it around my body and left the bathroom.
"Who… who's there?" I asked, as I began to walk through the apartment.
"Bai?" I heard a man asked, and I screamed as I turned around. I gasped for breath and tried to still my heart as I saw that it was only Mark, Shibo's friend.
"God, Mark. You sacred me. If you're looking for Shibo, he's not here. You can wait here if you want. Shibo shouldn't be much longer."
"I know Shibo isn't here. I came to talk with you about him." Mark sighed as he took off his hat. I watch as his usual proud and determined stance turned timid and afraid. "We drew lots, and I have to tell you. Shibo…"
"Don't you dare, Mark. If another word come out of your mouth, I'm going to shoot someone and you're the closest person to me."
"I'm sorry." Mark sighed. "Do you need anything?"
"No. You can go." I whispered, my mind shutting down. I waited until Mark had closed the door behind him, before I let out a low snarl. Going over to the cupboard, I took out a couple plates and smashed them against the floor.
"NO! YOU BASTARD!" I screamed, as I grabbed a cup and flung it against the wall. "You swore you'd come back! Where are you?! Where are you when I need you? What about the baby?! SHIBO! COME BACK TO ME, you asshole!"
I sat down among the pieces of shattered plates and glasses, ignoring the cuts I was getting.
"Everyone, Shibo. Everyone is gone. And you knew it. So why? Why did you have to go too?" I whispered, as I cried softly.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I lost the baby. The shock of Shibo's death caused me to go into premature labor and the baby died in my arms. I never did decided if the death of my daughter was for the best or not. I would have loved to raise the girl my love had given me, but I wasn't sure if I would have been able to see a small piece of Shibo in my life each and everyday. For weeks, I did nothing but lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling or a wall. I could barely sleep and I only ate and drank, when I was forced to.
Shibo's friends from the gang were very considerate of me. I had though that they would drop me as soon as Shibo was buried, but they didn't. They took it upon themselves to get me out of my depression and despair. I was thankful for that.
Of course, they might have been a bit too helpful. I was resting on day when I felt a presence near-by. Opening my eyes, I saw a man roughly Shibo's height, with long black hair and even darker eyes standing over me. I wondered if he was someone from Shibo's gang, but he wasn't familiar at all
"Hello?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.
"Ms. Baishunfu Hitori?" The man asked.
"That's me. Uh, can I help you?"
"My name is simply Naraku. I've heard about your problem and I've been sent to help. Try this." The man smiled, reaching into his coat. He pulled out a mirror, some white powder and a straw.
"Cocaine?" I asked, as Naraku handed me the stuff.
"Indeed." Naraku smiled and I looked down at the white powder.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
And from then on, things only got worse. I grew addicted to the peace and harmony that I gained through the snow, as Naraku called the cocaine. I needed the forgetfulness that the snow gave me. I needed my Eden in the beautiful, white, pure snow.
I didn't notice haw bad my addiction had gotten, until I ran out of money. I was going through my house looking for something to sell, but I realized that I no longer had anything of value. I knew that Naraku would be coming soon and I badly needed another piece of Eden.
I looked at myself in the mirror and let out a sigh.
"What have I become?" I wondered, as I ran my hand over my thin, drained face. "Oh, Shibo. Why did you leave?
I heard a knock at the door and I went to open it.
"Hello, Bai." Naraku smiled and I looked away. "What's wrong?"
"I don't have any more money." I told him.
"So sell something."
"I haven't anything to sell."
"What about… yourself?" Naraku leered. "I'm sure we can work out an arrangement."
"An arrangement." I repeated, before slowly nodding.
'OH GOD! NO! Someone! Anyone! Save me… from myself.' I silently begged heaven and hell as I lead Naraku to the bedroom.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I opened the library book I had checked out the other day and frowned as a piece of paper fluttered to the ground.
"/I shall be telling this with a sigh/Somewhere ages and ages hence: /Two roads diverge in a wood, and I—/I took the one less traveled by, /And that has made all the difference. /" I read It was the last stanza of Robert Frost's poem The Road not Taken. Smiling to myself, I thought it was ironic that I should find that poem.
My life had been filled with paths. The paths of life and death; the paths of love and loss; the paths of freedom and enslavement; the paths of darkness and light. And each and every time I had taken the same path.
I had always chosen life. I had always chosen loss. I had always chosen enslavement. I had always chosen the dark.
I wondered about the poem. If I had taken a different path, would my life have been different? Does it really make a difference to take the path less traveled?
"Perhaps." I decided after a moment. "Perhaps my life would have been different, Mr. Frost. However, you have come too late with your advice."
Standing up, I went over to the trashcan and tore the paper into little pieces.
"I have already taken the path more traveled." I told no one, as I dropped the pieces of paper into the trash.
Inochi = Life
Baishunfu = Whore
Hitori = Alone
Shibo = Hope; Wish or Death