Disclaimer: Seriously, I don't own anything here. Joss Whedon and his group own every materials and characters related to Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Star Gate is the creation and invention of Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin; the Star Gate T. V. series came from Brad Wright and Jonathan Glassner. All Star Gate related materials and characters belong to that bunch, not me!

Okay, I'll tell you that some portions of this story will be gory and icky. It can't be helped. Sorry.

That said, I hope that you enjoy Buffy and Co.'s adventure in this story.

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Buffy's road trip with Baby Slayers in tow.

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Happy Buffy!

Dorian watched the ship's lovely profile emerge from static on the screen, before pressing lightly on the red firing button on the joystick.

A moment later, twin holes appeared on the ship's skin; in that time, between seeing and recognizing the sight, a bright explosion blossomed and ran through the ship, lighting up the windows before blowing them out-The following explosion momentarily blinded the screen. But when it cleared, charred debris was all that floated out there in the black.

A slight satisfied smile was all Dorian allowed herself. Great job! Jubilantly she congratulated herself. And then-

"Hey, Dorian! We've got to go! Come on!"

Dorian growled softly under her breath. "But Buffy!" Dorian called out. "I've got over a hundred thousand points here! And, I'm about to blow up the Mother Ship!" Dorian looked on in desperate frustration as the video screen announced the next level-The one that was sooooo hard to reach!

"Dorian! We're gassed up and ready to go! Get in the car, right now!" Yelled the Oldest Living Slayer-Not at full Slayer volume, thank god! But just loud enough to be heard by a partially deaf man, standing at a hundred yards outside the gas station.

No choice then . . .When the Queen Slayer shouts out orders . . .With cursing regrets Dorian ran outside and sprinted towards the huge, red SUV parked out alongside one of the station's four pumps. Buffy's green eyes narrowed and shot out one of her patented glares at the unrepentant baby slayer-Dorian grinned at Buffy.

Baby slayer! Sure, not one of the Chosen Ones, but she could still take a dirty look or three from a Chosen-Even if that Chosen was Buffy Summer's herself!

Dorian slid into the seat by her sister slayer and closed the car door with care, mindful of her strength. Buffy was in the front passenger seat; Willow was driving, otherwise Dorian would have seceded from Slayer Nation and run for it! Dawn was sitting on the other side, by the window, happily chattering on a pre-paid telephone: Pre-paid 'phones were difficult to trace, so Buffy insisted on them, revealing her paranoid streak.

There were eight women and girls in the car, sharing cramped space with luggage, equipment and miscellaneous stuff.

Faith, Xander, Andrew and Giles were traveling in separate cars, with separate groups of Baby Slayers.

Good thing, too . . .'Cause otherwise they would have ended up in stranger places then Cleveland, Ohio!

The blame for that could be place on a multitude of distractions and detours-Not to mention 'shortcuts' a certain Senior slayer kept insisting on: Notorious Must See Things had the habit of luring them far away from their desired destination, too.

What sort of 'things' attracted their attentions?

Oh, well . . .Dawn wanted to see the "World's Biggest Gummi Bear". Willow sensed a sacred site and had to go and pay homage. The Country's largest shopping mall caught Buffy's fancy. They spent time zigzagging across the United States-At one time, the back wheels of the SUV got the opportunity to churn up foam from Atlantic Ocean water. They might have appreciated the experience a little more, if that Water demon had not been involved in the mad, desperate dash to higher ground!

Sometimes, their adventures were fun and pleasurable. Other times, it was just more then the usual slayer work-Like the small town engaged in human sacrifice and cannibalism. The townspeople were merely psychotic cultists, instead of demonically influenced victims. So, when the FBI stepped in, the relief was real and universal in the group-A group who disappeared the moment the agents' backs were turned!

A fairy prank war could have been an enjoyable and fun situation-Until it got out of control. Dorian shuddered at the memories . . .They should never ever have messed with Buffy's hair!

Hither and fro they drove . . .Every once in a while, Buffy, or sometimes Willow, would get on the 'phone and explain to Giles why "It wasn't our fault!". The Details were then supplied and after a significant howling rant on the other side of the 'phone, Giles would bid his children to take care and hang up. And the quest for Cleveland's unholy Hellmouth would continue.

Then there was Colorado Springs and Cheyenne Mountain.

A really, really 'special' place.

They were lost-as usual. Willow had made the sad mistake of allowing Buffy to drive. Yeah, Dorian remembered her previous threat to secede. But, she was sleeping at the time; the only two awake, were Buffy and Willow.

Willow apparently had fallen asleep as soon as she has switched seats with Buffy. Allowing Buffy complete, unsupervised freedom behind the wheel.

Even slayers have to sleep-All of them were exhausted by the constant travel; once asleep, they were too tired to react to every little bump, rattle, or "Oh, god! We're airborne!" feeling. But they did wake up to the "Dammit! Where are we?!" vocalized complaint from a peevish Slayer Prime. Hmmm, Dorian considered, just waking up and getting her bearings, if they backtracked Buffy's swath of destruction, could they find an undemolished, readable road sign? Dorian considered and compared past driving incidents . . .Nope, not a chance, she decided sadly.

At Willow's insistence, Buffy pulled over on a ribbon of blacktop considered a road only by the barest of margins . . .And a red-eyed, tired looking Willow took over the wheel from a disgruntled and reluctant Buffy.

Dorian felt bad for Willow, just then. But, Dorian asked herself, what could she do? She was fifteen-No driver's license or permit; admittedly, in an emergency, Dorian was willing to give it a go. So, what if she had no training or experience driving a car? Dorian was certain that if she considered a car as the weapon it really was, instead of mere transportation, Dorian felt confidence she could easily master the vehicle.

Hey! Dorian had a sudden explosion of insight-Buffy operated a car as a weapon, not as a transport! Oh, wow, Dorian considered, staring at the back of Buffy's blond head. It all came back down to the whole Slayer 'proficient with any weapon' thing they had going. Did it mean she could potentially drive and operate a tank? -How about a fighter plane? Not that she was going to steal a fighter plane, Dorian hastily amended-But that would be so cool!

Lost in her own thoughts and looking out the window, Dorian privately appreciated the sightseeing opportunity being lost gave her. Colorado was pretty Dorian admitted: Miles and miles of road, and no clear or familiar landmarks-Abruptly, Dorian yawned behind her hand; her behind had fallen asleep again. A common, frequent event on a long road trip-Dorian wriggled and shifted uncomfortable around on her seat. Hoping Willow would stop, and allow them to leave the car and stretch their legs, Dorian was about to ask-when Willow slowed the car down until she was alongside a jogging man.

He looked military, short cut hair dripping in sweat; gray T-shirt darkened by sweat, he wore dark shorts with a fanny pack secured around his waist and carried a partially full water bottle.

"Excuse me, sir!" Willow called out. "Can you tell me how to get to-?" Dorian yawned-It was one of those big jaw cracking, ear popping events . . .copycats soon followed. Willow eventually freed herself from military guy, information in mind, to give them all a dirty look reflected back at them from the rearview mirror. Hey . . .she should comfort herself that all they did was yawn, Dorian grinned-That wind-breaking incident, back in Texas, originated from too much chili and beans! Honest!

At least we know where we are now! Dorian peered out the window. They were in Colorado Springs and with any luck, drive in general sight of Cheyenne Mountain, home of NORAD, and some top secret project the Airforce was calling deep space telemetry-Willow snickered madly upon stumbling on the project. Could you say: Really stupid cover story?

The group was finally on the right road-Then 'Boom!', the slayers spidey senses howled in high gear! Hidden weapons were suddenly in tiny, delicate hands; each slayer with her personal bag of goodies, belted around her waist. Willow bespelled the fanny packs so the tiny things could hold a butt load of stuff, the small openings stretching out to accept large and impossible items: axes and swords, and a few warhammers, came out of the bags. Dorian favored the axe over the sword-And not because Xander was partial to it, regardless of Dawn's teasing!

Willow drove slowly . . .The slayers looked and glared out the windows, trying to spot the trouble clawing on their nerves. Dawn saw it first, and started squealing-"Look up! Look up!"

The slayers followed her jabbing finger at the unbelievable sight of a gigantic pyramid shaped UFO settling on Cheyenne Mountain-Like a freaky hat or something! Dorian considered.

"Oh. My. Goddess!" Willow gasped.

"Crap," Buffy said softly. Expressing all the slayers mutual sentiments. Narrowed green eyes calculated and assessed just how completely screwed they were. But since when has bigger and weirder ever stopped a Slayer from knocking it on it's rear and chopping it up?

"Maybe they're friendly?" Suggested Dawn. Six pairs of Slayer eyes and one red-eyed Wicca plowed into The Key, causing Dawn to flush and look away-Now, how silly was that question?

"Can we handle ray-guns?" Dorian asked. Her unfinished game came to mind-Were those ETs like the Roswell guys? Did they have cookbooks on how to cook humans? Like several demonic species did? Or were they gonna blast them all out of existence, and take over the planet?

"Maybe," Buffy murmured. "Willow . . .Can your amulets handle other unusual forms of energy?"

The amulets Buffy was talking about were a Willow special. Early in the Endless Road Trip, somewhere between Nevada and Arizona, a roadside souvenir stand owner was slowly being turned into a cactus: A hundred years before, one of his ancestors did something to a vindictive clan of demons. Sparking a lengthy vendetta-The combined efforts of Willow's magic, and the Slayers violent form of persuasion, convinced the clan to drop their vendetta and restore the guy to his human form.

The grateful, ancient hippie was willing to give away the happy face amulets, made out of recycled soda cans. But, no, Willow needed to buy them; one of the quirky requirements of the spell. Between them, they came up with a discount that satisfied both parties.

Later in the evening, while camping out in the desert, Willow bespelled the amulets to provide the wearer with protection against magical energies and assaults.

"Um . . .ah, I can modify them-If I had enough Power," said a distracted Willow, her eyes never leaving the pyramid shape atop the mountain.

"You can have some of mine," Dawn quickly chimed in.

Buffy nodded grimly, and reached for the bag holding a number of magical objects, down on the floor, between Willow and herself. "Good. Lets get started."

The group watched as Willow held a box of amulets, chanting quietly over them, while holding Dawn's hand. The contents of the box began glowing green, and only faded away when the chanting stopped.

Willow let go of Dawn's hand and passed around the box-They each took one of the amulets and slipped the stainless steel linked chain around their necks, making certain the amulets came into contact with their skin.

They flowed out of the car, stood in a circle while Willow made the final preparations: She chanted and tossed glittering powder over each head present-Including a pinch for herself. Upon contact, inside each head, a 'You are here.' type of map came on. Red dots swarmed in their sights for a moment, before fading to a haze. The red dots marked anything worth smashing or cutting up into tiny unusable pieces. The Red Witch pulled out the transportation talisman-A plastic, little gray dog. A thing so expensive, that they were used only in extreme emergencies-Alien invasions counted as extreme emergencies.

When Willow's chanting faded away, they were all in a gaudy, gold covered corridor; ancient Egyptian trailer trash decor. A thundering of metal clad feet and aliens in gold colored scaled armor, with staff length energy weapons, and freaky morphing helmets, charged at them from opposite ends of the corridor. Without a verbal command, the slayers, the witch (and one Key) leaped towards their enemies.

For the next twenty minutes or so, heads and limbs were severed; intestines and the wriggling worm things living in the guts of the semi-men spilled out on the metal floors. Hot, near scalding blood spurted out of grotesque wounds and drench and splattered walls, floors and slayers. Screams and howls of pain-The aliens cursed and yelled out battle cries, "Jaffa! Cree!" The slayers moving and killing among the golden mass, eerily and frighteningly silent. Energy blasts horrifyingly ineffectual against them.

Dorian stood in front of a panel, on a wall. Her sister slayer covering for her, as Dorian's nails dug into the edges of the panel, and managed to scratch enough of the sheet of metal back to get the rest of her fingers into the gape. She pulled with slayer strength and sent the discarded panel flying behind her and into the gut of one alien, severing his spine after cutting through his worm and organs.

Red, red, all the stuff inside was red-Deep red. Dorian gleefully prepared to smash it all, when she suddenly felt the air pressure change and her body feel lighter. Uh-oh, Dorian had a suspicion about what just happen. No, she shook her head slightly. Not of that mattered, Dorian told herself firmly. What did matter was stopping the sonovabitches! Her fist slammed into the delicate circuitry and stuff inside the wall, causing flaring sparks and smoke-The ship lurched violently and gravity cut off for a few moments.

Slayer reflexes saved them and kept them on their feet and fighting. The aliens were not capable of mirroring the slayers feat. They lost their balance and were thrown about-losing weapons, breaking bones and falling on slayers' weapons.

Dorian felt the call, a tingling at the back of her mind. She griped her axe tightly in her hand and ran down a corridor, jumping over and dodging bodies and pools of blood. Her sister slayers joined her inmass, and streamed into the bridge-Buffy and Willow stood in front of a man with glowing eyes.

"I am your God! Bow before me!" He shouted, spittle flying from his mouth.

Buffy snarled and leaped into the air, bring the Scythe down at the point where his neck met his shoulder, and continued down and across, severing his arm. For a moment, he was a whole man-Then, with a wet squelching sound, the two severed pieces slide apart, landing on the metal floor with a meaty thump.

Buffy glared down at her dead twitching opponent, Scythe in a ready position, blood dripping off the edge. It was not over yet-The man's eyes rolled wildly in his head, his facial muscles spasmed. Abruptly, his mouth shot opened and a snake thing exploded out of it, aiming itself at Buffy!

It smacked into her palm; pink manicured fingers closed over the thing-With a loud crack and a squeal the thing dangled, dead and limp, in Buffy's hand. She dropped it and smeared it on the floor, with her high-heeled boot.

The rest of the slayers fanned out into the bridge, pushing and kicking aside bodies and limbs to get to the consoles. Dorian centered herself at one console; a quick glance revealed it to be the weapons controls. A slow smile took a hold of her face-Just maybe . . .maybe . . .she was going to get her Mother Ship after all.

"How many ships out here with us, and on the surface?" Buffy asked, sitting in the throne seat and examining the controls on its armrest.

"Two other ships up here with us-None on the surface."

"What kind are they?"

"The large one is identical to this one . . .the smaller one appears to be a type of bomber."

Buffy nodded and ordered-"Get within weapons range-Target the bomber with missiles and fire on the other one with energy weapons on my command."

"We are in weapons range now!" Dorian sang out.

"Fire!"

A salvo of missiles hit the surprised bomber and penetrated its shields and skin. Causing an eruption of fire and long tongues of flame to stab out into open space; secondary explosions from its munitions flamed under the ship's expanding metal skin-Molten metals and shrapnel blossomed out and shot out in cooling chunks and slivers into frozen space.

The slayers focused on the other Mother Ship-Energy beams splattered and penetrated the large ship. Caught by surprise, the ship burned, but it collected itself and returned fire almost immediately. The slayers braced themselves as their ship rocked and viciously shook from the weapons hit. Willow and Dawn, holding hands, chanted and gestured-The ship steadied, and Buffy said calmly, "Thank you, Willow. Thank you, Dawn. Now, let's blow that bastard to hell. Dorian . . .Please sent them our warm welcome-Missiles and energy weapons. Fire on your discretion! Helm, take us to ramming speed-Willow, it's time for your little doggy to do its trick."

"Accelerating!" Helm called out.

"Good. Follow weapons in. As soon as you see an opening in their shields, shove this bastard in! Willow . . .Oh, good chanting."

"Their shields are fluctuating-We got a thin spot!" Dorian yelled.

"Concentrate everything in this rust bucket on it!" Buffy ordered never taking her eyes off the bridge screen and burning ship on it. A flare of dissipating energy and dramatic explosions beyond it, as the suddenly unhindered missiles and energy beams punched into their target! "Yes!" Buffy shouted out in victory, jumping out of the chair. The ship on the screen flaring in uncontrollable explosions and fire: An overwhelmed white screen was the last thing Buffy saw on the alien bridge. Sudden, everyone was back under open blue sky, but standing in the grassy ditch beside the road. Their car parked several hundred yards away from them.

They looked at each other, noting how drenched in blood and soot they all were-Nothing new or unusual in that. Then they turned towards the mountain . . .Relieved it was free of its extraterrestrial 'hat'. They stood there a small while admiring the view.

The whine of a helicopter and the shadow of the quick flying machine jerked everyone back to their present reality.

"I think we better get out of here," whispered Willow, her eyes rolling to the top of her head. Buffy caught her and ordered, "Everyone to the car, now!" She carried Willow to the car in a burst of slayer speed. Another slayer hauled a protesting Dawn over her shoulders and sprinted after them.

Buffy was driving, but for once, no one protested.

Later, in the evening, Dorian awoke with a start-A moment later, realizing she was in the car. And Buffy was driving!

Dorian looked over to the driver's seat, and there was Buffy, bouncing against the seat restraints-Dorian stopped herself from whatever she was going to say when she saw the little smile on the older slayer's face. Then she caught what Buffy was happily chanting, too softly for normal ears to pick up-"HappyBuffy!HappyBuffy!HappyBuffy!HappyBuffy!"

A small smile crept up on Dorian's face and stayed there, even as she wriggled back into her chair. If Buffy could revel in a small pleasure like driving, why take it away from her? Beside, she had something to be happy about too-Dorian closed her eyes, ignored the squealing tires, the smell of burning rubber, the sudden and abrupt shifts, and remembered the one important thing-She finally got her Mother Ship.

"HappyBuffy!HappyBuffy!HappyBuffy!HappyBuffy!HappyBuffy!HappyBuffy!"

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For those interested . . .Hagenow, Germany, has since 1999, been the home of 'Hagi-Boi' the 1,395 pounds, 5. 5 foot tall Gummi Bear.

Haribo Co. makes the majority of traditional Gummi Bears.

King Of Prussia mall, in Pennsylvania, has the most square footage, but only 400 stores.

Mall Of America, in Minnesota, has 522 stores.

Coming in third in California, is South Coast Plaza, with 280 stores.

Thanks for reading my funny little story! Good-bye!