She doesn't understand how it happened.

One second she was telling Elena she wouldn't be cheering in tonight's game because she wasn't up to par quite yet,

(and its true. really. the dark haired girl was woefully out of practise and it doesn't really matter if she herself was kind of happy about that. Elena Gilbert would notbe cheering tonight because out-of-practise cheerleaders equals out-of-commission cheerleaders)

and then maybe she eyefucks Stefan a little from the sidelines of the football field, that's a little hazy, but it does seem likely. He meets her eyes and she smiles, because she might be telling her best friend she sucks and her best friend might be his girlfriend but –

suddenly she's changing her mind. Of course Elena can cheer tonight. Of course she can, because she's totally ready.

Hell, she should be the second highest on the pyramid. She totally deserves it.

So she kicks Aimee freaking Bradley off instead because she spent all last night changing the routine to cater to one less person and by Godshe's not going to change it a third time, and well, maybe Aimee and her aren't the best of friends anyway, not since the other girl stole her cupcake in third grade and lied about it, so it all works out for the best.

Only, its game night and her mum isn't here and neither is you-know-who (and doesn't that just make him sound like Voldemort or something equally as evil, which you know, he's not. He's a bit jerky but still, he can be so nice and she only really calls him that when she's mad or because saying his name gets her ahem, excited and that shit don't fly when she's top of the pyramid – Damon Salvatore, say it with her now, Damon Salvatore) and being here alone kind of breaks her heart a little, even if neither of them promised, or even insinuated they'd be there.

Nobody's ever come to see her cheer, so why would that change with the sudden appearance of her kind-of boyfriend, otherwise known as you-know-who, otherwise known as Damon Salvatore when she's feeling less dramatic and/or easily turned on, does not mean her life will suddenly become rainbows and sparkles and Everybody Loves Caroline Not Elena Land.

So she's busy trying to sneak looks at the crowd from her spot at the top of the pyramid (come on, come on, just show up. just be here) without seeming desperate while Tiki is busy trying to sneak looks at Stefan without Elena noticing and Elena is busy trying to like, set fire to the dark-skinned girl's hair or something when it happens.

Elena drops her.

She lands on her head.

It doesn't even hurt.

She wakes and the first (only) person she sees is Bonnie.

Exhausted-looking and slightly smelly Bonnie, who as soon as she sees Caroline's eyes are open, promptly bursts into tears.

She hisses out irritably because her head hurts, oh god does it (and "Ouch, still sore Bonnie," she whimpers when her best friend tries to hug/suffocate her), she complains loudly and swears creatively until a nurse bustles in to drug her up before telling her the doctor will be in soon to make sure she's not gonna like, spontaneously die.

Morphine works nicely and it's with a slightly dazed smile she listens to Bonnie's rapid chatter as she fills the blonde in on everything she's missed.

It's that night at The Grill all over again as Bonnie explains how sorry Elena is, how Tiki and Aimee Bradley are telling everybody they're now the new captains, ahem, co-captains of the Timberwolves cheer squad (over her fucking dead body, btw) and everybody cannot wait to see her reaction – and at this Caroline smiles because apparently people have faith in her ability to survive a good brain-smash and you know, not die.

Bonnie moves into the bed next to her sometime between telling her she collected all her schoolwork for her and that she bought a pair of shoes at a sale Caroline missed ("They're yellow and have little bows and yes, you can borrow them." Bonnie describes patiently when Caroline asks). Her best friend refuses to look away from her (and if that's not proof of how much Bonnie loves her, than what is? She probably looks freaking terrible) as she tells her the whole game stopped because Caroline wouldn't stop gushing blood from her head and oh my god, it's been four days Caroline, we've been so worried.

("Did I mention Elena's sorry?" The other girl asks at the end of her spiel, one hand carefully brushing the blonde's hair away from her bandaged head.

"Oh, yep." She mumbles back, sleepy and warm and safe, "Got that part. Go back to the whole game stopping just for me bit." And Bonnie laughs, kind of sobs a little more because Caroline's awake and all is right with the world with her best friend snuggled beside her.)

It's a competition.

Of course it is.

And she just won a round at the expense of her brain.

(what the hell, she'll take it)

Everybody's been, she's told. From Aimee Bradley to Stefan Salvatore to Mrs and Mayor Lockwood and she's never realised how popular she was, only she can't even be happy because her best friend tells her solemnly that apparently her dad hasn't made an appearance yet,

("He totally will," she snaps, wrenching her head away from Bonnie's soothing fingers, crying out at the pain before continuing in a shaky, trying-to-be-flippant-totally-not-working way. "You know him, more of a drama queen than I am."

"Yeah," Bonnie replies. "Of course he'll be here, Care." But she avoids her best friend's eyes even as she brings her fingers back to the disheveled blonde hair, because she's well versed in this particular song and dance. Caroline's always adamant her dad won't let her down and then he always does.)

and her mum has been at the station since the doctors told her the likelihood of Caroline opening her eyes ever again aren't too great.

(only her eyes are open now, aren't they? and where the hell is everybody?)

"We were all so worried, Care. You have no idea. They talked about brain damage."

And Bonnie's voice goes low and serious, the way it does when they speak of Elena's parents or that time Caroline stopped eating for three months in tenth grade and all this talk of parents and potential permanent damage to her brain makes her wish she could just go back to sleep, possibly forever because god how many dumb blonde jokes can she survive after brain damage comes to light, but instead she just grins brightly at the other girl and tells her matter-of-factly that Elena Gilbert is off the team.

She's not joking but Bonnie laughs, all sign of seriousness gone and only a face full of relief and love remains.

(Bonnie Bennett is Caroline Forbes's best friend, has been since they met in kindergarten and swapped lunch because Caroline wanted her yogurt and Bonnie wanted her banana. It was like, fate. It's like she told Stefan a few weeks ago, sandbox love never dies.)

She doesn't even ask about Damon. She's too tired to potentially hear he didn't come to see her even though she nearly died.

So here's the thing; she ends up dying anyway.

Elena visits after Bonnie leaves and Caroline's pissed off because yeah, they're friends, but she's in the freaking hospital because of her.

"Oh my god, Elena. You owe me so many apology cupcakes after this." She frowns slightly, completely, totally serious, because she does, at least, owe her a freaking cupcake. "And sympathy casseroles too, because I might have brain damage and you didn't bring flowers like you're supposed to when stuff like this happens."

(If Elena had broken her brain, Caroline would have brought flowers, specifically azaleas because those were Elena's favorites and Caroline noticed these things, made sure to notice these things)

And then there's Elena, smiling evilly Elena, who tells her to give the Salvatore brothers a message before promptly putting a pillow over her face.

Her hands automatically reach to push Elena away, ("Get off, get off, Elena! Please, stop please!" she cries, but even she can't understand herself through the pillow) but when that doesn't work, when she realises Elena is strong, stronger than she's ever thought Elena could be, like ever, she begins to struggle for the nurse's call button and she thinks, if only, if only, just a little more, Caroline, come on. Because the button is the only way she can escape Elena and oh god.

It's Elena freaking Gilbert, killing her.

(honestly Caroline always thought it would be the other way around)

She fights it once she realises she can't reach the button, tries to hold her breath, thinks maybe if she pretends to be dead Elena will just walk away and then at school the next day she'll be all, "Oh yeah, hey! I'm not dead, bitch." And maybe there'll be some slapping or something.

Only, that doesn't work either and she stops trying to pretend to be dead and starts actively trying to stay alive.

She fights dirty, scratching and kicking and screaming and through it all the pillow doesn't move, not even a little.

She dies.

And it's the single-most terrifying thing that's ever happened to her.

Like, ever.

It's all coming back to her – in pieces.

Damon biting her.

Damon messing with her mind.

And then there's another little flash of awareness, Stefan making her put Elena back on the team even though she knew she wasn't ready for it. Stefan messed with her mind and messed with her squad and it pisses her off more than anything Damon's ever done and she can only justify that thought process to herself because she remembers all those other things.

Damon washing her hair as she sits in the bathtub crying over her dad getting freaking married and her mum cancelling lunch plans for the third week in a row and "You're better than this, Caroline." He'd said, over and over, even as he bit and bit and made her cry over him too.

She remembers she probably loves him a little and Elena might get Love Story and she might get Love The Way You Lie, but she wouldn't have traded that for anything.

Call her a masochist.

And oh god, why is she only just remembering this?

She slams through the door of the Grill because it's late at night and the Grill is one of the only things open (Welcome to Mystic Falls, where nothing is open after ten besides the bar you won't even be able to go to until you're over twenty one) and the lights are on and there's laughter and its soothing and this is safe. The Grill is safe.

And no, she didn't hear the laughter from over a mile away because stuff like that just doesn't happen.

He's alone at the bar and she's just run away from the hospital – there was this nurse and she, oh god, the nurse is dead. She killed somebody and where was Bonnie? Why did Elena do this to her?

"Damon," she stutters out, as she stumbles towards the man in leather, "Damon something happened, I don't know what to do. Have you seen Bonnie? I need Bonnie. Or my mum. Have you seen my mum?" And she's shaking and crying and she can't stop because somebody is dead, somebody is dead because of her.

She clenches tightly at his jacket, the one he threw over her body a few weeks ago when she got drunk and lost her own and he found her and brought her home (did that happen?) and she's always loved this jacket.

"Blondie?" He smirks, eyes sharpening, "What are you doing here? They let you out already?" His eyes take in the fact she's still wearing her hospital gown, single eyebrow rising in bemusement.

Without speaking she pulls him out of his chair easily and drags him outside because he's smirking his Damon Salvatore smirk and this is right here, Damon and Caroline, this is safer than even the Grill.

She remembers that.

She tries to get him to understand that she remembers now, everything. She remembers their relationship (the good and the very, very bad) and its hurting her, this rush of memories she knows are hers but cannot even attempt to understand while she's trying not to cry, so, so hard.

"Elena killed me, Damon." Her hands are pulling at her hair, "Elena killed me, I swear to god, and there was this nurse – I don't even know her name, but god she was delicious and I don't-" She stops, clenching her hands tightly in her hair as she struggles to articulate her problems, gazing wide-eyed at her kind-of boyfriend, "I don't know what to do. Help me."

His eyes soften ever-so-slightly even as his jaw clenches.

"Just help me," She says again when he says nothing, taking a step away even as she begs because she remembers everything and that means she remembers there's a very good chance he'll kill her, in fact it's very likely and she just doesn't know why that thought doesn't make her scared like it should.

Wait, he says. Okay, he says.

She stops her hesitant steps away from him, unclenches her hands from her hair and takes the hand he's holding out for her and that's that.

He's washing blood off her a few hours later because Damon's way of helping is making sure she's well fed. He took her to the next town over and she drank from a bartender and it was amazing and beautiful and what she imagined LSD would be like. She sees colours and shapes and she's moaning and it's so good.

She still remembers it.

She hates it.

She loved it.

She's crying – again – as she sits in the tub and he sits on the side as he pours water over her head. It's your emotions, he tells her. "You're a baby vampire now and emotions are heightened." And because he's Damon he adds an eye-waggle and a "Just wait until you're horny."

She laughs brokenly because it's funny, but it's still so crap, the whole being dead thing. She's a vampire (fangs, check. blood drinking thing, check. creepy face, check.) and that means she's dead.

Elena really did kill her.

Looks like she lost the competition, she thinks as she leans her head back when he tells her to, so the shampoo stays out of her eyes or something. And she laughs a little at that thought too because, well, fuck. She didn't think that would ever happen either.

Caroline Forbes does not lose.

And then maybe she cries a little more, because she certainly feels like a loser.

A dead, murdering loser.

She now knows a little about a lot of things and only one thing for sure; Damon Salvatore is the king of whining.

He says that's Stefan (who apparently eats bunnies, who knew, right? and she's totally fine with that, to each their own, right? only he tried to force her to do it as well and she's been a vegetarian since she was twelve and watched Bambi for the very first time so fuck you very much, Stefan) but really Stefan is the king of Broody McBroodsville and yes, Damon. There's a difference.

For instance, next time a girl smashes her head on the ground because your stupid brother compelled her to let his stupid girlfriend take part in a dangerous sport even though she sucks at it? Don't give her your blood while she's in a coma and later complain when your ex kills her.

Just a suggestion, dude.

Seriously.

So the fact he looks truly annoyed that she's situated behind a dirty bed, as far away from the motel worker as possible when he had the 'good manners' to find her something a little less cute and fluffy to eat isn't too surprising.

So she leans against the wall on the opposite side of the bed and listens patiently as he rambles on in that mocking, exasperated tone he only seems to adopt around her, telling her in three different ways that if she didn't want to learn, well then he wouldn't teach her, simple as that, pumpkin. Because it's not his fault she's dead now, is it? She's not his responsibility.

And when he's done he stares at her almost expectantly and she knows what he's waiting for – he's waiting for that infamous baby-vamp temper of hers, and yeah it's not his fault she's dead but it's his fault she didn't stay dead so shut the hell up, Damon.

Nobody likes you.

And so she doesn't disappoint (she never wasany good at not giving him what he wants) and fires back with her own spiel, studiously avoiding eye contact with the motel worker she knows is a sleaze but who still has the power to tug on her heartstrings with his little whimpers and begging and oh god, I don't wanna die's.

But he smells sogood and it's her gums that are feeling that tugging now, her gums and her eyes and not so much her non-beating heart.

"My dad left and nobody noticed because Elena's parents died and now her brother smokes pot and I can't even be in the same room as her because all I can think is I want to kill her like she killed me even though it wasn't really her but rather your evil ex who looks like her, so that just makes me feel bad. Or hungry. Or god forbid both because then I start crying." She half sneers, half huffs in frustration, throwing her hands in the air as she lets her body drop down onto the bed.

Sitting back up almost immediately (this is a motel, for god's sake and who the hell even knows what's been on this bed) she places a hand on her heart as if preparing herself to say something completely appalling, which she kind of is, "And Stefan is trying to get me to eat Thumper. I like Thumper, Damon. I'm a vegetarian. So excuse me if this isn't going so great for you."

Damon and the motel worker both stare at her, Damon in some weird mix of contemplative bemusement, exasperated fondness and half-assed pride while the motel worker looks on in horror, "Wh-what areyou?" The smaller man manages to wheeze through the grip Damon has on his throat.

"Clearly, she's complicated." Damon smirks.

"She's hungry." Caroline corrects.

And she doesn't even try not to be totally blissed out over the fact she was just called complicated, because suddenly she's deep.

Like, The Abyss deep.

So when he condescendingly informs her that if she's hungry, there's a motel worker right there for her (cue a little shake of said motel worker, like he's a ragdoll or really is a bag or takeout), and it's this or Thumper so she gives in. Because she is, hungry that is.

She really, really is.

And she might love him a little or something.

Her 'true face' pops out and the worker starts crying in earnest, begging her to stop, please, please stop, I have kids, only she doesn't care.

She doesn't even try.

Besides, she tells Damon. That was practically delivery.

"You bought me dinner." She grins slyly at him as they're cleaning up her mess (i.e. when she's cleaning up her mess and he's lying back on the bed (ew, Damon, really?) watching her obsessive compulsively straighten the entire room until it looks better than when they arrived). And though he rolls his eyes back at her he doesn't disprove her theory.

That was kind of a date.

He really can be sweet when he wants to.