Author's Note:
Welcome to another edition of the Things As They Should Be series. I did not honestly think that I would do another one, but here we are. I have had this idea for a long time, and with the release of the movie it seemed like a good time to try to write it.
If you have not read any of the previous stories it shouldn't be a problem. Thank you to all new readers for giving this story a chance, and to any old reader who is sticking with this story despite how bad I am at updating. Please leave reviews with any ideas you have for the story or just with any comments you feel like leaving! There will be more characters brought in soon, but if you have any characters you especially want to see let me know and I'll try to add them.
Chapter #1:
Gloin strolled through the old mine tunnel, studying it with a trained eye. Though he had reached a ripe old age Gloin refused to retire from an active role overseeing his pride and joy. He was followed by another dwarf.
"I have been thinking seriously," he said to the other dwarf, "about what I will give my son Gimli for his upcoming birthday."
"Perhaps a new helmet," the other dwarf suggested.
"No," Gloin sighed, "I always give him something along those lines. No, this year I want to get him something different. Something that will really surprise him. Besides, I got him a new helmet last year. It was to replace his old one, which he had somehow dented during that party for Bilbo's nephew he went to."
"Oh yes," the other dwarf nodded, "I remember now. It's funny, Gimli refused to say how he managed to dent his helmet. But it must have been a pretty spectacular party, after all he did not return home for several months."
"That is a brilliant idea," Gloin exclaimed.
"Huh?" the other dwarf looked around at the dwarf lord.
"I shall throw Gimli a surprise party," Gloin explained, "and invite all of his friends. After all, he clearly enjoys all of his gatherings with them. He has been to Gondor twice, and of course that one party he went to in that elvish place thrown by that one elf who is always following Gimli around. We can show them all how much better a party is when it's thrown by a dwarf, and not some prissy elf."
"It sounds wonderful," the other dwarf agreed, "Gimli is sure to be pleased with it."
The preparations began right away, keeping the whole thing a secret from his son. It took Gloin two weeks to find people to deliver the invitations. Finding volunteers to go deliver invitations to all the regular dwarvish places was no problem, or even to go to the Shire, Gondor and Rohan. But many dwarves balked at the idea of going to Mirkwood, Rivendell, and Lothlorien. It also proved difficult to convince any dwarves to deliver a message to the Undying Lands. But finally all the invitations were sent out.
Gloin was pleased by how nicely the party was shaping up. He was sure that Gimli would have a good birthday, and that all of the guests would as well.
But, much like someone about to take a swig of milk that has gone bad or someone who digs just a smidge too deep in their mine and runs into a Balrog, Gloin was unaware of the terror that was in store for him. Having heard so few details about all of the friendly get togethers that Gimli had gone to, Gloin had no idea how very wrong a simple thing like a party could go.
Because, completely unknown to Gloin, one person who had been invited to the party was truly and deeply insane. That special sort of insanity that is accompanied…
…by bad fanfiction.
The party was proving to be quite a success, if Gloin did say so himself. Mountains of red meat and rivers of ale were being served in a medium sized hall filled with tables and chairs. Most of the dwarves who had come to the party were seated in the medium sized hall.
There was also a small room connected to the hall by large double doors, opened so that guests could easily move back and forth. Gimli, Gloin, and many of Gimli's close friends who were not dwarves were sitting in this room. A small table near Gimli's seat had been loaded with presents. Looking at the guests who were populating the room Gloin shook his head, continually perplexed by his son's strange taste in friends.
Gloin could, of course, understand the hobbits. Elderly Bilbo, his nephew Frodo, and three others had all come for the festivities. Watching the hobbits eat Gloin was glad he had warned the kitchens to prepare twice the food they had originally estimated. The wizard Gandalf sat at the table with the hobbits. He was not joining in their talk or eating, but quietly smoking his pipe and watching the proceedings with wide grin.
Turning his attention back to the guests Gloin regarded Gimli's human friends. While it was unusual for a dwarf to have such a large number of human friends it was not such an unthinkable thing. Most of the humans were enthusiastically drinking their ale, eating their food, and laughing amongst themselves at some joke. There was even, to Gloin's shock, a ghost sitting with the humans. Those who had passed on surely had better things to do than linger among the living. But apparently this ghost, who was dressed as a man of Gondor, was different.
But the strange ghost was not near as odd a guest as the sprinkling of elves who were at the party. Gloin had not been happy at the thought of inviting Thranduil (the bastard), but in the end there had been no choice. The elves looked so out of place, especially Lady Galadriel who Gloin thought was an evil elf witch if ever an evil elf witch existed. There was also a human with the elves, Aragorn the king of Gondor who might as well have been an elf himself.
Quite suddenly Lady Galadriel stood up.
"I must powder my nose," she announced earning odd looks from the others.
"What?" Her husband Celeborn looked just as confused as everyone else.
Galadriel glared at her husband, and then stepped on his foot. A look of dawning realization crossed Celeborn's face as he sprang to his feet.
"I have to…" the elf lord paused, "… also go powder my nose."
Together the two elves swept from the room, almost at a run.
"Elves," Gloin snorted under his breath.
The small room was silent as everyone pondered the strange behavior of the two distinguished elves. Even the other elves looked unsure of what had just happened. The noise in the connected hall continued on.
"Perhaps at this time Gimli would like to receive the birthday present I have brought for him," Gandalf said breaking the silence and standing up. No one objected as Gandalf walked over to the present table. He touched his staff to a large present.
With a puff of smoke the neatly wrapped present was transformed into, of all things, a teetering stack of papers. For a second there was utter stillness as everyone regarded the papers. Most of the room looked at them in horror, while Gloin and a few others merely looked bemused.
One of the men, Faramir Gloin thought, shrieked. His wife Eowyn leapt to her feet and dragged him behind her as she ran out of the hall. They were followed by the King of Rohan and the ghost. Arwen and Aragorn also ran out of the hall as fast as they could.
Gimli's closest friend Legolas had also made a run for the door. He had not made it, however, as his father Thranduil (the bastard) had stuck his foot out tripping his son. As he fell Legolas toppled into Lord Elrond and another elf and the three of them had ended up sprawled on the floor.
There had also been a collision among the hobbits. This one also looked as if it had been no accident. Bilbo and Frodo had been pushed aside by the other three.
"That's for what happened at your surprise party," the oldest of the three shouted back at Frodo.
Before anyone else could reach the door Gandalf banged his staff down on the ground. The doors between the main hall and the small connecting room swung shut with an echoing thud, and the now silent remaining guests turned to look at Gandalf.
"You shall not pass," the wizard said with an evil grin.
"What is going on here?" Gloin roared.
"I just want to ensure that we have some privacy while I give Gimli his gift," Gandalf explained, "which is a story. I call it- There and Back Again: A Wizard's Story."
"Nooo!" Bilbo screamed, "Gandalf how could you? That's my title! Mine! My own, my-"
"Oh no," Frodo turned on his uncle, "we're not going there."
"Will someone please tell me what is going on?" Gloin tried again.
"Well father," Gimli sighed, "let me try to explain."
Twenty minutes later Gimli was still trying to explain.
"… and then Legolas took a turn for the goofier when he shot fanfiction-Eomer, (who was fanfiction-Saruman at the time), with a magic arrow. This made real-Eomer go super crazy so Pippin won the bet-"
"Enough!" Gloin cried desperately. He could not, for all the mineable minerals in the whole of Middle Earth remember a time when his head hurt so much. He was way past regretting his decision to throw his son a party and was now regretting the fact that he had been born with ears.
"All you really need to know," Elrond of Rivendell said rubbing his eyes in a weary fashion, "is that no good can come from the fanfiction of a lunatic."
"And since we are all what the professionals call super-lunatic-types," the elf seated next to Elrond added cheerfully, "the party you have so thoughtfully thrown has become an ego fueled forum of wackiness."
"Thank you Glorfindel," Elrond sighed.
"But surely a wizard as wise as Gandalf could not have fallen prey to this madness?" Gloin asked desperately.
"There is no use for all these explanations," Thranduil (the bastard) announced sounding amused. "The best way for him to understand is for us to let Gandalf get on with it."
Though no one was happy with this statement, none of them could disagree. Gandalf was the only one who was cheerful as he made himself comfortable and picked up page one of his masterpiece.