This is a joint project between InsaneTaco, GhostPrincess and AlwaysHiei. We will take turns writing the chapters. This chapter is by InsaneTaco.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: We do not own Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy.
Chapter 1
Tiff Peabody wasn't your typical girl. She was gentle, kind and never selfish. Not even a single cuss word had crossed her lips since she was born and she always curtsied when saying her pleases and thank you's. Tiff wore her pale blonde hair in twin braids that rested gracefully on her shoulders and a pretty pink dress with ruffles and frills.
She had just moved into a little house on the coul de sac and was daintily unloading her things, which included: a teaset, 23 teddy bears, ballet slippers and more, off of the U-Haul truck. As she was doing this, she hummed a little tune and skipped around.
From across the street, Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy were fighting over an old pair of binoculars, each trying to catch a glimpse of the new girl. Finally, Eddy grabbed a branch from the bush they were hiding behind and jabbed it into the eyes of Ed and Double D. He then ripped the binoculars from their hands and peered across the road at Tiff.
"Get a load of freakin' Goldilocks, guys!" Eddy yelled.
"Yours till the waffle iron," Ed spat out.
"I'm sure she has a name, Edward," Double D scolded Eddy.
"Yeah, like fresh meat! You guys in the mood for jawbreakers?" Eddy said in a conniving tone. He pulled out a sack of old toys he'd found at the dump.
"Think she likes toys?"
Tiff looked up as she heard footsteps on her driveway.
"Why, hello, Madam," Eddy said as he adjusted the tie on the shabby suit he was now wearing. His hair was slicked back with the natural sweat and grease that normally adorned his head.
"How would you like to buy some—"
"I need car insurance…" Tiff intervened in a distant voice as she stared forlornly at her shiny red car.
And after only a second of puzzlement, Eddy grinned and not-so-discreetly discarded the bag of junk.
"Oh, what a dandy coincidence! We're selling car insurance!" Eddy said to Tiff in an over-the-top cheerful manner. Tiff's face lit up.
"Oh, really?!"
"Yes, really, Madam. Our car insurance will make your car invincible!" exclaimed Eddy.
"You're kidding! There's no way!" Tiff said in an astonished tone.
"Nope. No joke, ma'am. We, The Triple E Company, value honesty." Replied Eddy, nobly. "And best of all, it only costs $1.50 up front and 75 cents each week after that." Eddy faced Tiff and smiled as angelically as he could, but in reality he just ended up looking constipated. Then he turned around, away from Tiff's view for about 2 seconds, steepled his fingers and practically erupted with a deafening "evil laugh." Tiff and the other Eds gave Eddy a blank stare.
"Er….Ahem. Yeah…so, anyway! How about it…uh…?"
"Tiff. My name is Tiff Peabody."
"Right, right. Then it's settled?"
"Yes, oh, yes! Here's my $1.50."
Eddy took the money in his hand and a lone tear of greediness/happiness rolled down his cheek.
Tiff smiled back and walked into her house. Meanwhile, Eddy realized that his friends had been especially quiet during the car insurance conversation. He turned around to first find Double D staring at Tiff's house, mumbling "So…pretty…" Then his eyes fell on Ed. He was sitting on the ground, talking to someone that Eddy couldn't see. Eddy moved in closer and saw that Ed had been conversing with a green gecko. Ed was stroking it with his finger, a stupid smile on his face.
"Can we keep him? Can we, can we? Pleeeeeease," cried Ed.
Eddy looked at the gecko again then at Ed and spoke.
"Fine. You have to take care of him, though. Maybe we can open a petting zoo and charge 25 cents for entry and 25 cents to actually touch…'The Immortal Wizard Lizard'! Yes, yes! Add that to our new car insurance income and the jawbreakers will be flowin' in big time."
"Um…cheesey queasy donuts..? Thank you, Eddy! I'll take good care of him."
"Yeah, yeah. Now go put him in your room or something. How about in that old toilet I gave you for your birthday? It'll practically be a day at the spa for the little guy… I'm way too soft. Anyway, I'll meet you there in a few minutes," replied Eddy.
Ed scooped up the gecko in his hands and walked back to his house with a new bounce in his step. Then the gecko peed on his hand.
"Oh, look, Lemonade! Yay!"
Meanwhile, Eddy was staring at Double D with a look of sheer confusion. He was still staring at the house of Tiff and muttering words like, "Classy" and "pretty."
"Um…Yeah… I'm gonna go to Ed's now to start working on that petting zoo. I guess you can join us in a few minutes…yeah, bye."
Eddy stared at Double D for another minute or so then started walking to Ed's house. All the while, his only thoughts were thoughts of money and jawbreakers. Every so often, he'd stop to shine his shoes with a bit of his germ-laden saliva and exclaim, "I am so HOT." He looked at his reflection in the grubby shoes he was wearing.
"Oh, you are sooo key-yoot! I am handsomer than a hamster! No wonder the Kanker sisters are dying to date me. I could get any girl I wanted. Any JAWEBREAKER I wanted. I have the coolest ears, my earwax is soooo dreamy and gooey…I've got the most adorable dirt under my fingernails. And don't even get me started about my cute little bellybutton full of sweet, soft, pillow like lint…." Then Eddy poked his finger into his belly button and pulled out some moldy bread, 3 dead flies and some unidentifiable liquid.
"Heh heh..such cuteness."
Eddy began his journey to Ed's room once more. Finally, he made it and entered the room only to find that Ed was nowhere to be seen. Eddy figured he was in the bathroom.
'Speaking of bathrooms, the gecko should be in that toilet over there…' Eddy thought to himself as he walked towards the dirty potty. Then he opened the lid.
All Eddy saw was a green blur before he suddenly flew through the air and was slammed against the wall. He looked up and standing on his chest was the gecko—smiling. After that, everything went black and Eddy slipped out of consciousness.
He awoke shortly afterwards. His eyes were having trouble adjusting to the sudden light and everything was blurry. Finally, his vision cleared up. But he could feel a throbbing pain. So he took a look at his body…
…Or perhaps it's better to say his LACK of a body. His shoulders and everything below them were gone. All that remained were his neck, big head and a bloody mess. After this realization sunk in, Eddy started crying and screaming.
"Oh, shut up, you little crybaby," came a sinister voice from the distant corner of the room. Eddy strained his eyes to see who it was, but the being was hidden in shadow.
But Eddy didn't have to wait long to catch a glimpse at his captor. From out of the shadows, the mysterious green gecko stepped out into the light, with an annoyed look on his face.
"Surprised?" sneered the gecko as he noticed Eddy's face—the word shocked was written all over it.
"W-where's Ed? W-why are you h-here, did you do t-t-t-t-this to me?" Eddy sputtered.
"Ed? That fool? Oh, he's taking a little…"swim." At the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, to be specific. Heh. I tried going the food route, like I mostly did with you, but surprisingly, he tasted even nastier than you. Could it be he took even LESS showers than you? I didn't think it was possible.
"As for why I'm here, no need to worry about that just yet, boy. Mistress will be here soon and then everything will be explained. Hehehehe…" said the gecko.
"M-mistress? Who is—"
Suddenly, the door rattled open and in strolled the apparent "Mistress" the lizard had spoken of just moments before. It was none other than…Tiff Peabody. The new girl on the street.
As she stepped inside the moldy room, she threw a glance in Eddy's direction, smiled, then looked at the gecko.
"Excellent work, my reptilian friend. Do not worry, you shall be rewarded."
"Oh, no worries, Miss! It was my pleasure. I haven't had this much fun in a long, long time!"
Then Tiff turned back to Eddy, with more than a glimmer of evil in here eyes.
"Heh, I bet you're pretty confused right now, huh? But then again, you usually are… I suppose I'll explain. I'll dumb it down for you, don't worry.
"First off, let me say this… You and the other Ed's are total idiots! Total idiots who make utterly pathetic attempts at ripping people off! It disgusts me—YOU disgust me! Filthy being—mentally AND physically! That is partly why I have done this—Yes, I am the mastermind here. But mostly I was just bored. Meh. Anyway, I planned this all out. Every single thing. You guys are far too predictable, heh. Did you honestly think that someone like myself, an intelligent young lady, would not be prepared? That I would risk not having car insurance? Hmph, fools. The only risk I took was my method of planting my gecko friend here into Ed's room. If you had recognized him… My plan then would've had only a 99 chance success rate. But alas, you guys are too stupid.
"The gecko Ed begged you to let him keep, the gecko that ate most of your body… He is none other than the…You guessed it! Oh, wait, no you didn't, haha…The GEICO LIZARD!"
And suddenly, it all came back to Eddy. The commercials he had seen on TV no less than 68 times…
So easy a caveman can do it," Tiff went on. "Actually, at first, they were going to use, 'So easy even an ED can do it.' But they didn't wanna get in trouble for false advertising… Anyway, I saved
Which is more than I can say for YOUR company! What a sorrowful scam, you beggarly bunch of losers. I hate you guys! You think this is the end? Ha! Yeah right, there is much more to come. Loads more." And then Tiff went into hysterical evil laughter mode.
Eddy saw the door open and Double D crawled in, totally mangled and clearly needed to be hospitalized. He slowly pulled himself towards Eddy.
"I heard the whole thing. She did this to you, she did this to Ed….She did this to ME!! I don't know what I saw in here, but Eddy, we must get revenge…"
But Eddy wasn't listening. Instead he was staring up at Tiff, who was still laughing diabolically, with a look of pure admiration and obsession, all the time creepily sweating and repeating a few words over and over again, with a dreamy sigh…
"She's…so…perfect!"