"This is satire and a parody. There are a lot of elements and ideas taken from a game called The Stanley Parable, and it involves...well you will see for yourself. Disclaimer: None of this is meant to be taken seriously." Said the author before I bound his hands, gagged his mouth, and stuffed him in the broom closet.
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Hello and welcome to the Stanley Para-...Hold on that's not right *Rustles papers* ...Hmm...this is...Ah ha! Here we are. *Sigh* But the introduction is ruined now. Perhaps it is best if we just start over and try it again.
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Hello! and welcome to the Fire Emblem Parable Demonstration. In this section you will learn all the exciting features and unique objectives of this story. It will be my job to help guide you through this demo so you can fully enjoy the experience.
Now, you are probably wondering who I am because I have not introduced myself. And since this is in regular text it is not a part of an author's note. Therefore by analytical deduction we can hypothesize that I must be a part of the Demo. We can also assume that I am an important figure of this story because I am a genius. Another victory for logic!
While my name and description is not prevalent to this story, it is imperative for you to realize that I will be narrating this story with a deep announcer voice and I am vastly more intelligent than you.
At this time, I should warn you that there are a few prerequisites that you must pass before we can explore the diverse and thrilling features that you can expect in this story. First, you need to have a basic knowledge of the English language. Second, you must have an electrical device with a screen that can accurately display the exciting black and white background with colorful advertisements. Finally, you need to have a functional brain with the mental capacity exceeding a three-year old who eats dirt.
...Uh oh, it seems that you only meet two of these requirements. I am afraid your experience will be hindered because of this, but I suppose we can still press onwards.
I am also inclined to warn you that this is a very serious story. This story is so serious, that it compels me to speak in a very serious voice. *Ahem* You might not grasp the seriousness of this story, but I assure you that this is the most serious story you will ever read; seriously. I will now take a brief pause to emphasize how serious this story is.
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Okay that's enough silence... Notice how I demonstrated a passage of time by repeatedly using three consecutive period marks. This is one of the many helpful features that offers an easier way to enjoy the content and realism.
Another helpful tool to display an interval of time is the horizontal line insert.
This helpful instrument indicates a longer passage of time or a change in subject.
However, it is best to use this tool infrequently.
And not to abuse it or it will distract the reader.
I believe that Robin would concurrently agree with me on this matter and the seriousness of it.
"Huh? Did I just hear something?" Robin asked in confusion thinking he heard a voice, but it must have been the wind.
Ah, thank you Robin for exhibiting the dialogue feature. When a Fire Emblem character speaks, it will be notated with the exciting quotation mark attribute. In the event that you see these quotation marks, it means that a character is saying something.
"I could have sworn I just heard a voice." Robin scratched his head
Notice the Italics used within the quotation marks. This shows the characters thoughts. Since I am omnipotent, I can easily understand Robin's ideas and frivolous emotions. Also, it is important to know that I speak without the quotation mark property.
"Wait you're omipotent?!"
Hold it just a moment! ... Mhm, just as I suspected. The word omnipotent was misspelled. This is clearly the fault of the author. I apologize in advance for his inability to grammatically format sentences. The author is so stupid that he fails to recognize the basic principles of spelling and punctuation. It is only by some miracle and randomly pushing buttons on the keyboard that he correctly used the proper abbreviated version of 'you are.'
However, I ask that you do not mention these careless mistakes to him. He is dim-witted and it would only hurt his fragile self-esteem to hear about his idiotic errors. The author is so pathetic that he would cry in the corner of his room weeping at his failures. In the event that you feel bad about yourself. You can take pride in knowing that you are not an unstable simple-minded loser like the author. Please feel free to laugh at him at any point during this demonstration.
*Bam*
Ah. That random and completely unscripted firework presents the use of asterisks. While you have already seen this symbol earlier in the demo, it is still important for me to explain them. This entertaining sign represents a sound in the Ylissean world. Since this is a literary narration, it is impossible to accurately project sound without this helpful tool. Thank you asterisks for your continued support in making this story better.
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Well there you have it. You can expect all of these features and much more in this story. So be prepared for a journey that will captivate your entire existence. But before we begin, I would like to analyze your mind to see if you are able to comprehend the magnificence of my brilliance. Don't worry it will just take a second, and you wont even notice the excruciating pain.
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Alas, your brain is under developed just like I predicted which will severely hinder your comprehension. Oh well, at least now I know all about you. You came to this story after viewing the Author's profile. The interesting and unique summary of this story caught your eye and you were confident that you could enter a familiar and comfortable world based on the Author's earlier works. However, your assumption could not be further from the truth and you will be verging into a state of sheer madness.
So without further delay, I present to you, The Fire Emblem Parable.
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This is the story about a man named Robin. Robin serves as the head tactician for the entire army of Ylisse. Robin's job was simple, he signed transfer orders on big pieces of paper and saved the world from certain annihilation. This is what Robin did every day, of every month, of every year. And although others might have considered it soul wrenching. Robin loved his job and the people he was around. It was almost like he had been born for this line of work.
And Robin, was happy.
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And then one day something very peculiar happened. Something that would forever change Robin. Something he would never quite forget. He had been at his desk for nearly an hour when he realized that not one stack of papers had reached his office and he did not encounter a single person. In fact, he didn't recall seeing anyone outside today. Not even Chrom who usually came in to say hi. Never in all three of his years as a tactician had this happened. Something was very clearly wrong. Shocked, frozen solid, Robin felt himself unable to move for the longest time.
But as he regained his senses, he got up from his desk and stepped out of his office. He ventured outside to the courtyard to find not a single person strolling the grounds. Not even the guards were at their posts and Robin felt uneasy.
"Where is everyone?" Robin said to himself. Robin had a bad habit of asking questions out loud when he was alone. If anyone were to catch him doing this then they would think he was crazy.
Perhaps this is why everyone was gone. They thought Robin was crazy so they abandon him and all of their possessions just to get away from him. Robin laughed at the thought and continued his search for his friends.
"Heh, but seriously, where is everyone?" Robin once again spoke to himself seeking an answer. But no matter how hard Robin looked, he could not find a trace of his friends or colleagues.
He would roam the courtyard for over five minutes before he came to a set of two open doors. It was at this moment that Robin had a decision to make.
"Hmm, the barracks is to the left, and kitchen is to the right."
He was stumped at which way he should go, but a voice in the back of his mind assured him that the left path was the obvious choice. There was no choice he would make in his life that would be more certain than this. After pondering it for a full three seconds, he entered the door on his left. Upon entering the room, he found himself in a long hallway, and the door mysteriously shut behind him.
"Wait a second...this isn't the way to the barracks. I must be on the other side of the castle." Robin thought out loud. He turned around and proceeded to open the door behind him to find it was locked. No matter how hard he tried, the door would not budge.
"Huh whats going on? ...Oh, ha ha very funny guys." Robin said thinking this was a practical joke. But as he waited for everyone to reveal themselves and for the joke to end, there was a bitter silence. This quietness made Robin uneasy and he started to worry.
He found himself thinking about the situation and why it was happening. It was all very strange, and unexpected. In fact, it was so strange that he put a serious amount of effort thinking about the situation. In a direct result of this, it caused Robin to think about other strange things in his life.
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For instance, why did some people call him by a different name? Some called him Nykolai, others Dante, and strangely enough some even referred to him as Vincent. This was just among a long list of nicknames Robin was given over the course of his career.
And while he was on the subject, he thought about how other people thought about him. Some referred to him as a powerful sorcerer, while others told him that his skill was with the blade. But no one could ever give him a definitive answer. He did not actually have a class of fighters he belonged to. So in order to make him feel better, Chrom gave him the title of Grandmaster.
And now the disturbing thoughts came to Robin's head. The thoughts that had plagued Robin for ages, but he just now had the time to contemplate them. Multiple people had pointed out features in Robin's appearance that were untrue. Some depicted him with long hair, while others even went as far to picture his hair as a bright luminous green. His facial attributes were misinterpreted by many, and Robin didn't know what to make of it. There were many people who claimed he had a beard or a scar on his face. However, he obviously had short brown hair above his skull, and very clean features. Or at least he thought he did.
But that was not the most disturbing thing that people believed about him. Some people actually mistook Robin for a woman. This was clearly absurd and extraneously incorrect. Robin could not fathom how this came to be, but there was even a running joke that if it wasn't for Sumia, Chrom would have fallen for Robin.
"Heh" Robin chuckled thinking about the sheer madness of it before he focused his attention back to the matter at hand. He ultimately decided to walk down the long corridor and double back around to the courtyard. Everything would make sense once he returned to familiar territory
He traveled all the way to the end of the long room, but upon reaching it he gasped in horror. He was expecting to come across another wooden door, but to his bewilderment, he stood in front of a circular set of stairs. He had the option of going up, or going down.
"Where am I? And what is going on?" Robin said in an anxious tone. Robin was lost, but he didn't know how this was possible. He knew this castle better than the Exalt himself.
As Robin stared baffled at this new event, he felt compelled to descend down into the bowels of the castle. It was almost as if a force was pulling him closer and closer to the steps and he heard a faint whisper call him forth. His curiosity was heightened as he stared down the dark and ominous staircase.
"No, no, no, no. This is how every horror story starts. Nope, I am not going down there." Robin tried to calm his nerves and quickly ran up to the top of the stairs.
However, he was going the wrong way, and Robin clearly knew this. Deep down in his subconscious he knew that he needed to brave the deep and dark basement. To face his fears and persevere over whatever what may lay down there. He needed to overcome the obstacles and develop his character in ways he never knew existed. It was the obvious and climatic thing to do.
"Nope, I am not going down there." Robin thought defiantly and sprinted up the steps avoiding the dangers that lurked below. Robin ran up the stairs without any regard towards his purpose. And by this act of cowardly running away, he single handily ruined the entire story. The whole point of this entire narration was subverted and completely wasted.
*Sigh* Doesn't Robin know how much effort and time was used to make this story? But because he was afraid to enter the area designed specifically for him, he destroyed the entire reason to read this! Way to go Robin, It seems that you are almost as stupid and cowardly as the author.
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Now that Robin had diverged from the canon and correct path, he found himself in an empty room with a small circular table in the center and a door at the end. He slowly and carefully walked up to the table to look at the object on the table.
It was a chess board, but it was no ordinary chess board. You see, in Robin's spare time he had crafted his own special game. He had called it Fire Emblem. In this game a small group of people would venture through various maps and enemies to complete their missions. The battles were determined by the roll of a dice, and it was turned based. There were even two settings on how to play. Casual mode, and Serious mode.
Robin observed the board to notice this battle was over half way done and in a few turns the game would be over. But as he looked at the board he noticed something terrifying. Through the chaos and destruction of battle, one of Robin's friends had dropped to 0 HP. This piece was now dead and could never be used again in the battle. Luckily for Robin, the game was being played on Casual mode. Therefore the character would be ready to join the next melee like nothing had happened. Robin sighed in relief knowing that the character's unique personality would not be lost by the tragedy of war. Thus, losing all symbolism and depiction of the fragility of life.
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However, what would have happened if he had played on serious mode? Would he have been more careful and not recklessly left that person to die on the front lines? Would the tactician's concern for the safety of his troops supersede his lust for victory? Or would fate intervene and keep the result the same? To think, that the character could have died a tragic and viscous death. The soldier would speak a few words with their dying breath and then collapse to the ground never to rise up again. The person would be dead and no longer a part of the campaign. His or her skill would be lost and any future children that man or woman might have had would be wiped from existence. It would be a very tragic and sad death indeed.
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Unless...Unless Robin restarted the game! That's it! If Robin simply restarted the game then everything would be fine. He could obviously learn from his mistake and make sure it never happened again. The special qualities of that character would live on and continue to bring enjoyment to his fellow peers. Once again the dreadful and awful analogy of life and death would be thrown into the proverbial trash can. Thank goodness that Robin was fortunate enough to completely erase the laws of time and space.
"Phew." Robin sighed in relief. He was very fond of that character and would have hated to lose one of his friends.
But...But what if Robin didn't really care for said character? What if Robin held a disgruntled or unfavorable view of his comrade? Would it truly be worth it to take all the time and energy to restart the game? After all, Robin was busy man and could not be troubled to save everyone from his errors in judgement. If this character lacked the skill or the personality that Robin desired then what would be lost by their death? Sure, he might feel bad for a few moments and even say a few words at their ceremony, but soon he would completely forget about his friend and move on with his life. After that chapter the person's iconic character would be lost forever... Unless of course...he changed his mind and restarted the game.
Oh, and here is the kicker, what if Robin had already restarted the game to save that character and the person died a second time? How long would he keep replaying until he saved his friend or abandoned him? How much time would Robin expend before he no longer cared or shrugged off the loss. And what if another character died in the effort to save that comrade after he restarted the game? Would there be a never-ending sequence of death and sorrow until Robin finally got it right, or would he just give up?
In the end, the survival of every member depended on how much Robin weighed their importance. But of course, only a cold-hearted bastard would leave his friends to die because he had better things to do with his time.
"Augh, my head." Robin raised his hand to his forehead with a severe headache. These thoughts troubled Robin but luckily he was able to quickly shrug it off.
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Seeing as there was nothing else in this room, Robin quickly walked away from the special chess board and stepped over to the wooden door at the end of the room. It was an old door that had been in place for decades. He heard a crashing sound come from behind it and the sound of footsteps. There were some whispers that died the second Robin approached the old and weathered door. Nervous, filled with an overwhelming anxiety of what could lay behind the door, he slowly opened it. The door squealed and creaked as the rusted hinges slowly broke from their metallic bond.
As the door swung open, he heard something rustle and before he knew it, over twenty shadows ran towards him. They sprinted at Robin without warning or reason.
"SURPRISE!" They shouted as loud as they could. Robin fell flat on his butt scared out of his wits. He felt his heart race as he looked at the faces. Everyone started laughing and pointing at Robin until someone finally extended their hand.
"Damn it Chrom, I could have had a heart attack!" Robin exclaimed as he tried to catch his breath.
"Don't tell me that you are that old already Robin." Lissa teased with her party hat on.
"Oy! Funny tactician that falls on floor like Sumia. Gregor be wishing you a happy birthday with much merry-making!" He raised his glass and continued to enjoy his drink.
Robin's body slowly recovered and he chuckled realizing that this was his birthday. It was one of the few things he remembered about his past other than his name, and his gender.
"How does it feel to be 23 Robin?" Cordelia asked with a cupcake in her hand
"Like yesterday I was 22." Robin said as he took a deep breath and felt his heart slow down. As his panic attack wore off he noticed the surroundings of the room. Robin saw a gigantic room filled with tables and chairs. The centerpiece of the room was a giant fluffy white cake with 23 candles centered around the edges, and Stahl was doing everything in his power not to look at it or fantasize about how it would taste.
"Come on Robin, let's celebrate." Lissa said eagerly.
"Heh, just give me a moment." Robin smiled and let his body recover.
Chrom patted him on the back and let him take his time. After all, Robin would need his strength to get through a party of this caliber. It would be a spectacular occasion and a very happy ending to a confusing day.
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And so concludes the story of Robin's morning. It had one of those unexpected twists in the plot that led to a happy ending. Surely, if this information was given at the beginning of the story then it would have been less surprising, but that was not the case. At least we can take comfort knowing that the main conflict of the story was resolved and the story ended on a joyous note.
However, there appears to be some plot holes in this story. Some things that the author carelessly failed to explain to you. In example, why did the door behind Robin mysteriously slam shut and lock behind him earlier in the story? What was so important that hid in the basement of the castle? Where was the panda? These questions would go unanswered as the author neglected to justify his sloppy story telling. However, it is also possible that he failed to notice these errors or forgot about them. The author wasn't very bright after all.
Nevertheless, I do hope you enjoyed my role in this story. As the narrator it is my duty to accurately describes the events and actions that take place within this world. Without me this story would have been a few short lines of confusing and pointless dialogue. Thus I am privileged and burdened with this great task. But now that this story has ended it is my turn to take my leave. At least I can honestly say that this was a fun and illuminating experience.
This concludes the Robin Parable, thank you for reading and have a nice day.
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Now at this point I am sure you are wondering. "What the Hell did I just read?" Maybe despite all the warnings, you took this story too literally and missed the entire point of this story. And now you are hoping for the narrator to tell you the reason because this story obviously didn't make any sense. But I am afraid I don't have an answer for you. You will have to find you own logic for this story.
Perhaps the author abused a medical substance and wrote this in his alternate realty, or he was heavily drunk and next to a keyboard. Maybe someone hacked into the author's profile and is trying to damage his reputation. Or maybe, just maybe this story makes sense, but you are the insane one. Now that is something to ponder about as we slowly fade out of this scene and say goodbye. However before I go, I will leave you with one more thought; maybe this story would make more sense to you if you read the next chapter...and the next chapter...and the next chapter.