There was a time when she actually considered doing it all: leaving Danny after their however many weeks to reel after 8 years of mostly restless pursuit and finding a place in her life for a relationship with a felon. A felon she had adored mercilessly for 20 years and who knew her better than anyone, had been closer than she'd ever let anyone.
It was going to be tough and would involve her job options becoming limited. The White House didn't want association with someone dating a prison inmate whose crime brought them to shame, even if she had been one hell of a Chief of Staff. Then Frank Hollis' job meant she would move to California again and even if Toby was going to be in jail, she at least wanted to be in the same state. She could go into a teaching job, perhaps GW or Georgetown, or just branch into the private sector completely.
Anywhere would be lucky to have her.
So would Danny, but there were moments when she wanted Toby's hassle. She would stand by him through his trial, once her Bartlet tenure ended, maybe away from the spotlight though as she'd had enough of the cameras for the past 8 years to want to avoid them for a lifetime.
They would manage all of the visits, hopefully conjugal too, and she would reside in his townhouse and play the doting stepmother to her favourite twins with the absentee father. It would take a lot for them to understand at their age, so she would fall into step with Andi and take refuge in their blissful ignorance.
CJ feared the backlash, god the backlash. She had weathered many, many things in her 42 years and Toby had stood by her side for the majority of those she could remember. Now it was her turn. She was hurt by his betrayal, but that job had never left them enough space to care about each other properly and it was now admiration that stood in her eyes, with only subsided anger.
She considered all of this, all of the time for a short while. Even one night in Danny's bed with his arms wrapped around her bare waist and the rise and fall of his chest beneath her ear. "What's up?" He'd ask, noticing the ruminating state. She'd mutter a loving apology and nestle back closer into him, wondering if Toby imagined holding her like this the way he used to do.
But then she wound up reminding herself that CJ and Toby were prone to hurting each other. They drove each other into the ground, building each other back up again of course, but was all of this too much? Would she grow resentful for giving up on everything to play second fiddle to the prison bars that kept them apart? Could he forgive himself for making her endure the missing him and the hurt and the half-hearted forgiveness when the word 'sorry' spilled out of his mouth over and over and over?
It wasn't going to be. She could've said that the first time she heard the news and realised a chance to attempt normalcy once they were out of that place was gone forever. Swiped away from her existence just like that before she could even digest or rationalise the consequences of his actions, let alone consider how it would affect their entirety as a couple.
So maybe one day down the line if a pardon materialises and she almost breaks from Danny's slightly nauseating sweetness, then she can consider this. It's now merely an afterthought as she strives to see out the administration in style before transitioning into a new life with Danny on the West Coast.
Far, far away from what CJ really wants and ideally needs, but there's a lot she need to do alone for now. Not without him one day, although as far as she's concerned in this period in her life, distance and what separates them is needed, required. They'll drift back to each other eventually, floating back completely as the other one's whole entire.
Because as Sir Walter Raleigh was once said:
True love is a durable fire,
In the mind ever burning,
Never sick, never old, never dead,
From itself never turning.