"I will never understand you Loki, you just don't make sense. One moment you're hot, the next you're cold," Thor called, as with a cold glare Loki flounced away, "you're more temperamental than a summer storm." he sighed sadly to himself, the clacks of his brothers boots echoing sharply away into the distance.
He sighed, no matter how hard he tried to talk to his brother he always managed to put his foot in it somehow.
He would never stop trying, despite his ineloquence Thor had a good heart and loved his brother dearly – adopted brother – he corrected himself in his head bitterly, their Dad hadn't helped make that news any easier when the two siblings had stumbled upon a box of Lokis baby things in the attic with what he said.
"Where you ever going to tell me?"
"Eventually."
"Eventually?"
"When you were older. Although I guess you've saved me the effort now."
Their Dad had then gone back to reading his paper, brushing it off cruelly as if it were nothing.
The anguished look on Lokis face burnt onto the inside of his eyes, Thor knows he will never forget it for as long as his memory serves; it was a look of pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, let alone ever wish to see on your family.
When Thor had chased him to his room to comfort his little brother Loki had responded by throwing whatever he could lay his hands on at him until he left. He had heard the tears through the wall between their rooms and hated how helpless he felt. He had fallen asleep to the sound of his brothers tears and the morning after Lokis eyes had been swollen and bloodshot as though he had barely slept at all.
Two years later and Loki had cut himself off completely, only speaking in short sentences, and only when someone else initiated, it was like living with an antisocial ghost.
That was how Thor had gotten them arguing where they were now. He'd tried to spark up a conversation when passing him in the corridor at school. It would have been fine had Fandral not poked fun at him. It wasn't anything bad, just a gentle tease relating mildly to some part of whatever he and Loki had been chatting about at that moment, but Loki stiffened instantly, his face slipping back to its mask of indifference after the brief emotion that had flickered across it too fast for Thor to decipher.
"A mystery…" he mumbled. Fandral swung his arm around Thors neck, proclaiming that they didn't need him anyway, as he dragged him towards their next class. His words were harmless jest he knew, but clearly they had struck a nerve with Loki, and he couldn't help but worry.
His little brother wasn't like him and his friends, he was sensitive.
But he was still his little brother, blood or not, it didn't matter.
Loki fumed as he stormed along the corridor. How dare he, how dare he?!
Stupid Fandral, he was finally talking to Thor, having a halfway normal conversation for once, and he had to butt in.
"Mum and Dad are going out tonight, are you okay with sausage and chips for dinner?"
Completely normal.
"Yeah, sounds fine."
"I bought your favourite type" Thor had said with a smile.
He was trying to cheer him up he knew.
"Thors sausage is your favourite right Loki? Or would you rather come over tonight and try mine?"
In hindsight he may have overreacted. He hadn't meant anything by it. He couldn't. Fandral was less observant than Thor was. It was just Fandral being Fandral and teasing everyone in sight about anything that presented the opportunity, the grin on his face was evidence further it wasn't meant to upset him. And now he was going to be forced to talk about what had happened once he was home. His mind span trying to come up with a reasonable explanation as to his earlier reaction, maybe if he said-
Loki was torn from his thoughts as he slammed into the lockers lining the walls.
"Well, well, well, what have we here boys? Seems a little girl's wandered into big school from the nurser- Oh wait," he said in mock surprise, "It's just Little. Lady. Loki."
Each word had been punctuated with spit flying into Lokis face from the other pressed close to his.
"Now what could you possibly be doing over here? It's nearly lesson time and I know full well your next class is all the way over on the other side of the building. Not trying to hide from me now are you Little Lady Loki?"
The sarcastic tone clung to Lokis skin like cobwebs – sticky and unwelcome.
"Leave me alone Malekith," Loki spoke quietly, "I just need to go to the library before class"
"Now why do you need to go to the library before physical ed hmm?"
The look on Lokis face gave away his fear. That wasn't the best excuse he could have though of. Shit. Uhm. Oh god. His thought desperately for a way to talk himself out of this and came up blank. A thick arm swung around his shoulders, crushing him to Malekiths side. He though humorlessly that this was how Thor and Fandral usually strolled about when they were happy, for him it was a walk to another nightmare.
Thor sat in his math class staring out the window. God he hated math. And whoever decided that the addition of letters to it was a good thing was sorely mistaken. He knew Loki was good at math, maybe he'd help him with his homework later.
Loki.
He hadn't left his mind since he'd stormed off earlier. Maybe he shouldn't make sausage and chips for dinner, as it might remind Loki of earlier.
But maybe not doing so would remind him more as it would be an obvious absence and he'd know instantly why.
Thor was over thinking this he knew, but when it came to his brother he'd never thought normally.
Ever since he'd been three, and Loki had come home swaddled in a blanket with just a tiny tuft of raven hair visible, he'd demanded in the way children do to hold him. Staring down at this tiny person he'd pictured all the things they could do together and had felt protective over his little brother ever since.
Four years after his baby brother had come home, they were playing in the park. A group of boys were playing football a little way over and the brothers had been playing on the roundabout. Thor pushing as fast as his tiny seven year old legs would let him whilst Loki clung on for dear life giggling giddily. They played that game often. This time was different.
The football came flying over and caught Loki on the shoulder. It probably hadn't hurt him much so the shock was more likely what made him burst into tears, but Thor hadn't know that then.
Three of the boys who had been playing had come over to retrieve their ball, they'd glanced at the brothers laughed, picked up their ball and turned to leave without saying a word.
Thors blood boiled.
He'd run up to them shouting at the top of his voice and punched them wherever he could, they'd looked startled then simply pushed him over and walked off. Meanwhile Lokis sobs had turned to screams for their mum. She'd gathered the two of them in her arms and kissed them both. And everything had been alright again.
On Lokis sixth birthday he'd decorated the whole house in green paper and helped their mum make his cake so he could ice it himself. Dark green icing with 'LOKI' sloppily iced on top in light green. It wasn't particularly attractive but he still remembered the huge grin that had been on Lokis face all day after he'd seen it and the bone crushing hug he'd given him.
He smiled, remembering them stealing pastries from the kitchen when no one was watching, playing with the hose in summer, fighting with water bombs, using sticks as swords, running through the woods as their parents called for them to slow down, seeing their parents kissing and trying it themselves. They'd neither seen the attraction of it and had simultaneously wiped their mouth on the back of their hand.
He remembered the first time Loki had crept into his bed at night having had a bad dream. He remembered Loki running up to him crying because someone had pushed him over in the playground and himself pushing the kid over in retaliation. He'd gotten detention for that.
He remembered the first time Loki had brushed something off as nothing too. His smile slipped as the happy memories where slowly replaced by the worse. Loki coming home with a bruise on his arm and refusing to say where it came from. He'd started only wearing his long sleeved shirts from then. The first time he'd not wanted to play outside and stayed in his room by himself. When he'd started only leaving his room for meals.
The smile slipped from his face as Thor, for the thousandth time tried to think how to help his brother.
He could see the sports field from his vantage point and was fairly certain the slight figure bobbing about the pitch was his dear brother. Why he insisted on playing rugby he didn't know. Personally he'd always thought Loki was far better suited for track, he wasn't built for rugby like Thor was. Almost as if to prove his point Loki was floored.
His mind was spinning, how dare anyone hurt his baby brother nobody was allow-
"Just where exactly do you think you're going Mister Odinson?" The sharp voice of his teacher snapped him back to reality as he discovered himself half out of his chair, as if he'd intended to storm down to the sports field and help Loki up himself.
"Move to the front."
And just like that Thor could no longer keep an eye on his brother AND he had to pay attention in math.
Loki had changed quickly and silently into his sports kit, his long sleeved gray tshirt and black jogging bottoms wasn't really all that appropriate for energetic sports in summer but that didn't stop him. He wasn't comfortable enough with himself to show his body off, even if it were just his arms and legs. He hated sport. But if he was going to be forced to take it he was going to play the most brutal sport the school allowed, thus rugby.
All the other boys who played were well built, tall and strong; Loki wasn't weak but his strengths definitely lay in academia rather than physical exertion. He enjoyed being able to take out his frustrations on other people than himself for a change and know it wasn't really hurting them.
It was relaxing.
Even though he got pummeled more often than anyone else he still found some sense of relief in the physical exertion. It was what came after that stopped him sleeping at night.
The last thing he did on Fridays was play rugby, then according to everyone else he went to the library for two hours before coming home. What actually happened was that he followed Malekith home dejectedly because it would keep him quiet. At least if only Malekith knew what was going on he could survive through each day, if everyone knew his life would end he was sure of it. He had to keep this a secret.
When he arrived home at six Thor was there already prepping dinner, not that sausages and chips were that difficult but Thor was a terrible cook.
When they were little their mum had tried to teach them both to cook and whilst Loki had picked it up straight away, Thor had always had more success making a mess than anything edible. But he didn't want to cook anymore and so Thor was in charge of food whilst their parents were away.
Thor started talking, as he'd know he would, the minute that he stepped through the door. He blabbered on about his day how he'd done this and that, Loki wasn't really paying attention until "So you didn't get too hurt when everyone dogpiled you earlier today did you?"
Lokis head snapped up from the food he was pushing around his plate, "What?"
"You haven't listened to a word I just said have you? I said it's you're fault I got in trouble in maths today, I was watching you play. I asked you if you were alright after getting dogpiled"
"Uh, yeah, fine."
"Are you sure, you've barely touched your dinner"
"Yeah I'm just not hungry"
"You're never hungry anymore, what's the last thing you ate?"
"A banana."
"When?"
The suspicion was rife in Thors voice, Loki was surprised, he didn't think his brother would notice that sort of thing.
"Around twelve-ish?"
"So in the middle of a class."
The accusation in his voice hurt and Loki mumbled to himself that he never said he meant twelve noon. He hadn't expected Thor to hear him.
"You haven't eaten all day!?" You could hear his disbelief "What did you eat before your midnight snack? And when?"
Loki looked at his shoes and tried to conjure an answer that wouldn't further upset his brother, the hands suddenly around his biceps surprised him and he looked up into his brothers mildly frantic face.
"Loki… Please" It was the softest he'd ever heard Thor speak.
"I, I don't, I don't really remember…" The look on his brother face shattered his heart. "A day at least, maybe two. I don't know what I had, I don't remember."
He pulled himself out of his brothers grasp and ran upstairs to hide in his room. He couldn't handle today, he thought he was fine but Thor was figuring him out, he knew it. He had to do something, anything, to get his mind off this.
His hands starting to shake he crawled over his bed and slipped down in to the narrow gap between it and the wall, fumbling to open the bottom draw, hands shaking now so badly that his bedside lamp crashed down and landed on his wrist. He flinched at the refreshed pain shooting through his arm, and then grimaced at the memory.
"What did you do?!"
He was flung into the wall, head reeling at the impact, a body pressed up against him, a hand pinning his wrists above his head, breath hot and heavy upon his neck, the back of a hand stroking gently across his cheek.
"You can escape this Loki, no matter what you try you will NEVER escape."
He shuddered.
Pulling the jagged glass from the draw, marveling momentarily at the way it created rainbows on the walls as light hit it before dragging it across the half healed cuts that already lined his inner thigh, watching as the blood spilled out against the aggravated skin.
It wasn't enough.
His world was crumbling around him how could it be anywhere near enough? He brought the glass down, again and again and again. Light headed he stared down at the bloody mess and smiled dazedly, the rainbows were still there but blurry now, and they flickered across the wall, no longer stable. Loki reached out to touch them, maybe if he could catch the rainbows things would get better?
A strange chocking noise startled him, for a moment he thought he'd finally mustered the courage to end it all for good, but he heard it again and this time it broke through the pain induced haze.
Thor.
Standing in the doorway to his room stood his brother, face aghast, frozen as if he didn't know how to react. Lokis eyes met Thors and held his gaze, the shock of being discovered holding him still, clouding his vision, all he could hear anymore was a loud buzzing noise, and his mouth tasted strange as he slowly toppled backwards.
The last thing he saw was Thor running towards him, arms outstretched, before everything went black.