Moons. Everywhere.

An attempt at a fic in the Frasier continuum. Well, it's being continually re-run on Channel Four, so what the hell... The canon says that Daphne has seven brothers. Only three appeared in the series. One other was referenced but never seen. And there's the mysterious Nanny, or Granny, or sometimes Grammy, Moon. Hold me back. I see "Tim Moon" as being played by David Rasche, the man who was, and remains, Sledge Hammer. (Now are there any Sledge fanfics out there? Trust me, I know what I'm doing.)

"Frasier!" said Niles Crane, as his brother opened the door of number 1901 in response to the doorbell. "Are you ready for our morning viewing at Trompe D'Oueil? Oh, I collected the mail downstairs. I thought I'd spare Daphne a chore."

"That's very kind of you, Doctor Crane!" Daphne exclaimed, from behind a large laundry basket. "I'm just sorting out Doctor Crane's intimates. I'll be with you in a moment!"

Frasier moved to take the mail. Niles held it out of his reach.

"Whoever said it was for you?" he admonished. "Three for Dad. Two for Daphne. Nothing for you today."

"What have I got, then, Niles?" Martin Crane called up, from the depths of the La-z-Boy recliner that sat in Frasier's living room like an untreatable wart. Niles held out the mail as he moved across the living room. Martin reached for it, and then looked put out as his younger son moved unheedingly past him, straight to Daphne. He held out her letters with a look on his face that reminded Frasier of Eddie the dog, retrieving something important and seeking approval from his mistress.

"One with an English stamp." he said. "My, doesn't our dear Queen look stately?"

Marty snorted.

"More like constipated, if you ask me." he said, derisively. "Must be all that good homely English cooking!"

Niles ignored him.

"I believe it's from your grandmother."

Daphne squealed with delight.

"Grammy Moon, bless her!" she said. "She never forgets me out here in Seattle. I was always her favourite grandchild, though, Doctor Crane! She says I remind her of her when she was my age!"

"From what you've said about your grandmother, you have a lot to look forward to when you get to her age!" Frasier observed.

Niles frowned with puzzlement.

"I don't recognise this one, though. No stamp, just a postmark. "B.F.P.O. 666?" (1)

Daphne squealed loudly with delight and nearly dropped the laundry basket. Frasier winced at the high-pitched noise.

"It's my brother!" she squealed. "My real favourite brother. Not Simon, Donny got that dead wrong."

"It's also marked "underpaid – three dollars owing in excess mail charge." Niles observed. Daphne frowned.

"Yeah, that sounds just like a Moon brother!" Frasier said, sourly. He'd unwillingly put up with Simon Moon for several fraught weeks, an experience that had jaundiced him against the wider Moon family.

"Shall I open it and read it to you as you go about the laundry?" Niles asked, hopefully.

"Oh, for goodness sake, Niles, just give the lady her letters!" Frasier burst out.

Daphne put down the laundry basket and sat down at the table opposite Marty. He obligingly poured her a coffee. Niles reverently laid the mail in front of her.

"Ooh, it's an embarrassment of riches, Doctor Crane!" Daphne gushed. "I don't know which one to open first!"

She turned both letters over in her hands.

"If there's even the slightest danger of other members of your family coming to Seattle..." Fraiser began, prompting her.

"Ach, Frase, Simon wasn't that bad!" Marty said, dismissively.

"He only took the place over. Drank my fine wine. In pint glasses, I may add. Brought uncultured oafs back from lowlife bars. Ate me out of house and home. Complained the Marmite on his toast tasted off and fishy. That was finest Beluga caviare at six hundred dollars a pot! And he stood Roz up."

"He also introduced me to rugby. Both codes. So he wasn't all that bad, Frase. Took an intelligent interest in football too." Marty said.

"Yes. Rugby. Thirty gorillas with strange British accents beating each other up in pursuit of a football. At least in America we wear protective padding if we have to play that sort of game."

"You never played that sort of game, as I recall, Frasier." Marty said, cuttingly. He looked across to Daphne, who was engorssed in her mail.

"Good news from home, Daph?"

"Oh, Marty! My brother Tim's heard I'm engaged to Donny. He apologises for being late in writing as he's aboard ship at the moment and mail gets in and out once a month depending on when they hit port. He was writing this as they went through the Panama Canal to the Pacific. Says a Royal Navy ship mutinied there in 1944 and he can see why.(2) Apparently a decent mutiny would break the monotony, he says."

"Your brother's in the Navy, Daph?" Martin asked, interested.

She shook her head and smiled.

"Oh, no, Mr Crane. He's in the Marines. If there was a mutiny aboard ship, he'd be cracking heads together and putting it down!"

There was an uneasy silence as the Cranes digested this.

"That's what Tim means about something to break the monotony, Doctor Crane. He's always been a bit direct."

"I see." said Frasier.

"Well, hell, that's one of the things Marines are for, Frase." Marty said, as a half-grin crossed his face. He leaned back and looked lost in memory for a moment. "Hell, I oughtta know, I was one!"

"And is he heading this way, Daphne?" Niles inquired, with a studied casuality.

He's on the commando carrier HMS Bulwark. He's going to be in Seattle next week when the ship docks here!"

"And he'll be calling here..." mused Frasier.

"HMS Bulwark is going to be moored at Colman Dock, Seattle, for a week on a goodwill visit. Tim says he's owed leave, so he'll be popping by to see me and give Donny the once-over. And those two mad-sounding trick-cyclists you look after by default."

"Well, if it's only for a week..." Frasier mused.

"So your brother's a Marine, Daph." Marty said, grinning. "Well, that's sure OK by me!"

Frasier looked uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.

"It won't be that long, Doctor Crane!" Daphne said, soothingly. "There's this big NATO exercise on up at Puget Sound. Our Royal Marines joining in with the United States Marine Corps in a joint exercise. Apparently it's to enhance co-operation, friendship and the special relationship between Great Britain and the USA".

Martin Crane looked doubtful for a moment.

"Two or three thousand Marines. From at least two different countries. All in the Seattle area and looking to this city for a run ashore and R&R. Geez. I'm sure glad I ain't on the force no more!"

"Apparently Canada and Holland are sending marine units too, Mr Crane."

"Oh, that just tears it!" Frasier burst out. "Three thousand Marines stomping into Seattle and putting their dirty boots on the furniture and drinking the state dry!"

"No idea of civilised behaviour..." added Niles.

"Downtown Seattle will be a no-go area." Frasier said, woefully.

"Now listen here, you two! I was a Marine for six years and I knew how to behave in civilised company!" Marty said, clearly affronted. "You guys diss the Marines, you diss me!"

"And in any case, did I mention Tim's an officer?" Daphne added, meaningfully.

Frasier and Niles perked up.

"Doctor Crane, Doctor Crane. My brother Tim was in the ranks for six years. He was made up to lance-corporal four times."

"Four times?" said Niles.

"And he got busted back to Marine three times. Long story. Anyway, his commanding Colonel saw Tim had a bit more go in him than a lot of the others. He sent Tim on a rosbie."

"Regular Officer Selection Board, Frase." Marty filled in, seeing his son's perplexity. "And he passed?"

"He passed out as a second lieutenant, Mr Crane." Daphne said. "My father hit the bloody ceiling. He said, no son of MINE turns his back on his working-class northern roots and ponces about as an officer. We Moons know our place. We Moons are private soldiers and the backbone of Her Majesty's Armed Forces, not the bloody chinless ruperts!"

"I see. There's nothing like parental encouragement, is there?" Niles said.

"Was your father in the services, Daph?" asked Marty.

Daphne grimaced.

"Eventually, Mr Crane". she said. "Mum still talks about the day it took four military policemen to drag him out of the attic screaming that he was too young to die. The nearest he got to active fighting service were in the pubs in Aldershot after closing time. Dad did his service in the glasshouse in Colchester for attempted desertion, assault on a senior rank, insubordination, and multiple breaches of Queen's Regulations ."

The Cranes contemplated this picture for a moment. Daphne's family reminiscences could derail any train of thought.

"But your brother Tim..." Frasier began, uncertainly,

"Is a Captain now. Yes."

Frasier and Niles looked at each other.

"A commissioned officer in Her Majesty's Royal Marines." Frasier said, with mounting excitement.

"He will have been trained in gracious behaviour. How to recognise a fine port as it travels anti-clockwise around the officers' mess high table. He will know about fine dining." said Niles.

"Which cutlery to use with which course. An appreciation of fine wines."

"Frasier!" breathed Niles, excitedly. "Do you think he could get us an invitation to dine with the ship's officers?"

"You've changed your tune, Doctor Crane!" Daphne said, indignantly. "As long as you thought my brother was just an ordinary leatherneck Marine, you didn't want to know and you'd only have let him through your front door with the greatest reluctance. The moment I tell you he's an officer, you're practically rolling out the bloody red carpet for him!"

"But he's like you, Daphne." Niles said, trying to placate her. "You broke away from your family, a family you yourself described as derelicts and deadbeats, and made the most of yourself. You carved out a career on your own merits and strengths. You are going places. Your brother sounds a lot like you. He's somebody I'd dearly love to meet!"

"Hmmph." she said, partly mollified.

"Besides. An officer. A man of skill and taste and refinement. A social asset." said Frasier.

His father grunted with scorn.

"And a Marine. Sheesh, you guys are on a steep learning curve here!"

(1) B.F.P.O. = British Forces Post Office. Every British unit on service outside the UK is assigned a BFPO number for incoming and outgoing mail. Actually, BFPO 666 was assigned to British forces in the Falklands Expeditionary Taskforce in 1982, despite objections from the Army Chaplaincy Department who thought this was only inviting bad luck. The Toms on the Taskforce considered this a huge joke and speculated that it meant they could rain seven kinds of Hell on the Argentinians.

(2) HMS Edinburgh Castle, a ship en route to join the British Pacific Fleet as the European war wound down, was the last Royal Navy ship to suffer mutiny. The heat and humidity of the Panama Canal, the lack of air conditioning, the poor rations and the fact the ship was overcrowded and badly officered caused the ship's company to revolt. A combination of Royal Marines and military assistance begged from the Americans put down the mutiny. Even today, the story of the Edinburgh Castle is taught in military academies as the textbook account of how mutinies happen and how poor leadership can trigger them.