A Wizard Walks Into A Bar

by Mergoat

A homunculus gets dropped in a jar. Add an ALLEGEDLY gay dark lord in for good measure. I'm trying a style of storytelling I've never seen done before. Please let me what you think, even if you didn't like it.

AN

This is an ongoing collaborative effort by a friend and I over an IM client, and we are having near-criminal amounts of fun writing it. Updates will happen slowly as school has a nasty way of digging into free time. Comments are good, heckling is encouraged, and GOD REVWIES are DEMANDED.

FanFiction only lets me tag two categories with this crossover story, so I went with FMA and Dresden Files. We have a Harry Potter character thrown in as well, and maybe other characters from other worlds will be added, we aren't even sure yet. That said, enjoy.

-Mergoat

/AN

(4:10:18 PM) NoClueKid: So, another lovely day down and McAnally's
(4:10:36 PM) NoClueKid: various mysterious clientele abound.
(4:10:57 PM) NoClueKid: I assume a certain mister Harry Dresden is currently sitting at the bar?
(4:11:04 PM) NoClueKid: at least, it would behoove this story if he were.
(4:11:19 PM) Mergoat: *nods*
(4:11:27 PM) NoClueKid: and what is he doing?
(4:12:16 PM) Mergoat: he is sitting at the bar, enjoying one of Mac's famous lukewarm beers, along with a cheeseburger and fries.
(4:12:28 PM) Mergoat: Mac won't serve his beer cold, it's just not in his moral code.
(4:12:28 PM) NoClueKid: yum.
(4:12:35 PM) NoClueKid: I can respect that.
(4:12:55 PM) NoClueKid: so, Dresden hears light footsteps behind him.
(4:13:00 PM) NoClueKid: approaching.
(4:13:24 PM) Mergoat: I know they are coming for me, so naturally I keep eating.
(4:13:39 PM) NoClueKid: heh.
(4:17:02 PM) NoClueKid: someone draws level with the bar, but does not sit. He seems out of place in such an establishment, not only because he seems far too young. It would not be an exaggeration to say he looks like a cream-puff one legs: light-blond, curling hair reminiscent of cherub, slender build, with large, light brown eyes the color of milk chocolate.
(4:17:42 PM) NoClueKid: he is holding his hands as though keeping a tight hold of something small.
(4:17:58 PM) NoClueKid: he does not look at Dresden, but addresses Mac:
(4:18:24 PM) NoClueKid: (in a voice that carries a slight Eastern European accent)
(4:18:38 PM) NoClueKid: "I'd like a large jar. Empty."
(4:20:08 PM) Mergoat: Mac gives a short grunt and reaches down below the counter and stands an old canning jar on the bar before the stranger.
(4:21:15 PM) NoClueKid: (oh, and a lid would be nice, too)
(4:21:32 PM) NoClueKid: (should've included that)
(4:22:27 PM) Mergoat: the lid seems to be already conveniently fastened to the jar.
(4:22:29 PM) Mergoat: (lol)
(4:22:41 PM) Mergoat: Dresden, still busy with his burger, notices the faint aura that only practitioners give off. Given the layout of the bar, naturally suppressant of supernatural vibes, it's only faint.
(4:23:20 PM) Mergoat: however it catches his attention because he knows most of the local practitioners in the area, yet this face is new to him..
(4:24:22 PM) NoClueKid: "Ah, would you be so kind as to open the lid?" The stranger requests, as both his hands are occupied keeping a hold on whatever-it-is.
(4:25:18 PM) Mergoat: Mac silently opens the lid for the stranger and then heads back to the kitchen.
(4:28:09 PM) NoClueKid: The stranger quickly and forcefully throws something into the jar, before seizing the lid and screwing it quickly and tightly on. Inside, there is a small, reptilian creature with six legs and large, purple eyes.
(4:28:33 PM) NoClueKid: "You horrid bitch!" Its high-pitched voice is audible from inside the glass. "I nearly suffocated!"
(4:29:04 PM) NoClueKid: "Oh as if you could die from lack of air" the stranger says
(4:29:23 PM) Mergoat: Dresden, now unabatedly curious, turns to the stranger and points to the jar.
(4:29:36 PM) Mergoat: "what the heck is that?"
(4:31:01 PM) NoClueKid: "Insofar as I can tell, a royal pain in the ass." The stranger says.
(4:31:12 PM) NoClueKid: "Also, it can change shape."
(4:31:54 PM) NoClueKid: "Honestly, I've never encountered anything like it."
(4:32:07 PM) NoClueKid: he looks back at the jar "So, what are you anyway?"
(4:32:13 PM) NoClueKid: "Like I'd tell you!"It squeaks.
(4:33:40 PM) NoClueKid: The stranger rolls his eyes. "Need I point out you're not in a position to be obstinate? Anyway," He turns to Dresden, holding out one hand.
(4:34:54 PM) NoClueKid: "My name is Gellert Grindelwald."
(4:36:41 PM) Mergoat: "Harry Dresden", returning the hand. "You know I couldn't help but notice that thing you have in the jar. I don't suppose it can dance, can it?"
(4:38:00 PM) NoClueKid: the thing-in-the-jar's eyes go wide, conveying a distinct impression of 'WTF'. Gellert laughs.
(4:38:28 PM) NoClueKid: "With six legs, I imagine it could tap quite well. Perhaps we should experiment."
(4:38:41 PM) NoClueKid: "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" The thing screeches.
(4:38:52 PM) Mergoat: Mac walks out of the kitchen, washing a glass and staring at the stranger.
(4:39:24 PM) NoClueKid: Gellert raises a brow at him questioningly.
(4:40:23 PM) Mergoat: Mac, knowing the stranger doesn't come here often, decides to give the stranger a helpful nod of the head toward the sign regarding the bar being neutral ground.
(4:41:23 PM) NoClueKid: "Ah, I see. Forgive my impertinence."
(4:41:47 PM) NoClueKid: An owl flies in through the window, landing on Gellert's shoulder.
(4:43:55 PM) NoClueKid: Gellert reaches up and detaches a piece of parchment from the owl's leg. It takes flight again. His brow furrows as he reads whatever is written on the letter.
(4:44:01 PM) NoClueKid: "Hm"
(4:44:22 PM) NoClueKid: He stands, turning once again to Dresden but pointedly not quite meeting his eyes.
(4:45:08 PM) NoClueKid: "I need to make a phone call. May I ask you to watch this creature for me? It shouldn't give you any trouble, more of a precaution than anything."
(4:49:31 PM) Mergoat: Dresden considers this for a moment. He has never met this person, nor has he seen this creature, nor knows what either is capable of. Nonetheless, he'd rather not have the stranger ask another patron in he bar. Mac works hard to keep this place quiet and he owes the man a few favors anyway. In any case, if anyone is qualified to handle mysterious demons it's him. That's me. Harry Dresden, handler of demons (since harry doesnt know what the hell it is)
(4:49:32 PM) Mergoat: "I don't see why not."
(4:51:09 PM) NoClueKid: "Thank you." Gellert says, smiling sweetly, before turning and making his way outside, towards the pay phones.
(4:51:46 PM) NoClueKid: there is a moment of silence in which he might suspect nothing is going to happen. But he knows better than that, doesn't he?
(4:52:08 PM) NoClueKid: presently, another man takes Gellert's vacated bar stool.
(4:52:49 PM) Mergoat: (im guessing greed or kimbley :P )
(4:52:57 PM) NoClueKid: (heh)
(4:54:36 PM) NoClueKid: he's pretty sharply dressed for a place like this, wearing a white suit complete with matching fedora which overshadows his eyes. His hair is black and long, worn in a pony tale, and is one of those relatively rare people who is both tall and Asian.
(4:55:15 PM) Mergoat: /?content=viewer&id=20162
(4:56:05 PM) NoClueKid: "Whiskey, please." He says to Mac. When he reached out to take the drink, Dresden notices a tattoo on the palm of his hand, some kind of circular diagram.
(4:56:51 PM) NoClueKid: He takes a drink, then turns, looking first at the thing-in-the-jar, then at Dresden. Their eyes meet.
(4:58:03 PM) NoClueKid: Dresden sees someone who isn't so much capable of terrible things, as he is looking for an excuse to do them.
(4:59:26 PM) NoClueKid: "Hm." The man says after a moment of soul-gazing. "So I see you're not the type to be bought. A pity. It would be lucrative for you and simply for me."
(5:01:14 PM) NoClueKid: *SIMPLE
(5:01:17 PM) NoClueKid: fuck
(5:01:20 PM) Mergoat: lol
(5:02:26 PM) NoClueKid: ?content=viewer&id=20129
(5:06:06 PM) Mergoat: Dresden looks down at the creature in the jar, who seems to have calmed down now that the blonde stranger left, if only for a moment. "I have bills to pay just like anyone else."
(5:06:38 PM) NoClueKid: Kimblee smiles.
(5:07:58 PM) Mergoat: Dresden calls Mac over for another drink. Mac obliges and hands him another beer, freshly opened.
(5:09:42 PM) NoClueKid: "I'm glad to hear you're reasonable. You can probably see where I'm going with this. I can't take the jar from you, as this is neutral territory, but if you give it to me of your own vocation, we can both benefit. In the spirit of camaraderie, I'll dispense with haggling and get right down to it: name a price, I'll write you a check. It's as simple as that."
(5:19:06 PM) Mergoat: Dresden pauses to reflect on the facts. a stranger comes in and entrusts him with a creature that doesn't quite fit in with anything else he has seen in his life, then leaves. Another stranger comes up and tries to buy the creature off of him, and obviously in no mood to be disagreed with.
(5:20:07 PM) NoClueKid: heehee
(5:21:11 PM) Mergoat: He has rent due, on the one hand. A month overdue, to be precise. Business has been slow, and he'd rather not get into the habit of selling his household belongings to make ends meet.
(5:21:31 PM) NoClueKid: (classic Dresden)
(5:25:11 PM) Mergoat: Wizards and other beings under the Unseelie accords know the importance of a broken vow, even a verbal one. While there are no physical repercussions, a certain status is lost when you are known to not keep your promises.
(5:26:06 PM) Mergoat: generally its up to the person striking up the deal to word it in a way that cannot be left up to interpretation. God knows there are creatures that exploit loopholes like that to no end.
(5:27:17 PM) Mergoat: Dresden wasn't above that either on most days, but today wasn't that day. As much as he needed the money, he had the doom of Damocles hanging over him and he'd rather not step his toe out of line.
(5:27:22 PM) Mergoat: "I think I'll pass this time."
(5:33:05 PM) NoClueKid: The man sighs. He takes off his hat and places it on the counter. When he looks at Dresden again, something seems different. More candid.
"Honestly, I would say the same thing in your position. Would it make any difference to you, knowing that this creature, strange as it might seem to you, is my friend? One of my very few friends? And that blond boy you saw earlier, I can guarantee he's not as sweet and innocent as he looks. I am, concerned as to what he would do, given the chance."
(5:37:37 PM) Mergoat: "Who's to say you aren't just as innocent as he is?"
(5:38:38 PM) NoClueKid: "Oh, I'm easily as corrupt and reprehensible as he is." The man says this without hesitation. "Were it one of his friends at my mercy, he would have equal reason to be concerned."
(5:41:04 PM) Mergoat: Dresden frowns and looks at the creature in the jar. "What do you think, little guy?"
(5:42:15 PM) NoClueKid: "!" It gestures spasmodically at the man in the white suit with its tail.
(5:42:46 PM) NoClueKid: then, as an afterthought: "...please?"
(5:44:26 PM) NoClueKid: "Well, well. What is going on here?"
(5:44:52 PM) NoClueKid: The blond boy has returned, regarding the goings-on with a frown.
(5:46:06 PM) NoClueKid: he meets the eyes of the man in the white suit, and the two promptly engage in a silent but fierce staring contest.
(5:49:04 PM) Mergoat: "kids", Mac grunts as he pops open a beer for himself. It's been a long Friday night for him.
(5:49:41 PM) NoClueKid: the man in the white is the first to look away. He leans back, sighing resignedly.
(5:49:49 PM) NoClueKid: "How much do you want for it, then?"
(5:50:21 PM) NoClueKid: "One can hardly put a price on a creature such as this." Gellert purrs.
(5:51:04 PM) NoClueKid: Kimblee snorts. "Don't delude yourself. Rare as it is, it's worth nothing to you in its current form."
(5:51:21 PM) NoClueKid: "You fail to account for sentimental value." Gellert says.
(5:52:20 PM) NoClueKid: "What," Kimblee responds, "you believe the whole this-thing-is-my-friend crap I fed this guy?" points at Dresden "I have a job to do. I'm willing to pay you a reasonable amount. But don't push your luck."
(5:52:57 PM) NoClueKid: "Fine." Gellert snaps. "Ten thousand."
(5:53:13 PM) NoClueKid: "One, and count yourself lucky."
(5:53:20 PM) NoClueKid: "I said ten. I'm not stupid."
(5:53:43 PM) NoClueKid: "Two."
(5:53:47 PM) NoClueKid: "Nine."
(5:53:54 PM) NoClueKid: "Oh for the love of - "
(5:54:10 PM) NoClueKid: Kimblee draws out a check and writes something on it*
(5:54:11 PM) Mergoat: Dresden finishes off the last of his beer then pays mac without saying a word.
(5:54:28 PM) NoClueKid: "This is for five. You say no, I'll rip it up and we're done here."
(5:54:32 PM) NoClueKid: "Fine."
(5:54:48 PM) NoClueKid: He takes the check and promptly exits.
(5:56:54 PM) NoClueKid: The man in white opens the top of the jar, and the green thing hops out like a grasshopper. Its recent acquirer produces a red stone, which the lizard-like thing promptly eats.
(5:57:15 PM) NoClueKid: its form the changes into something that could be described as 'punk-rock escort from hell': a short black skirt with tight-fitting leggings beneath it, a tank top that reveals several inches of pale, toned stomach, and hair that falls past its waste in black, jagged spikes.
(5:57:46 PM) NoClueKid: "How do you end up in these fixes, Envy?"
(5:59:21 PM) Mergoat: "well first she got put into a jar", Dresden politely interjected.
(6:00:45 PM) NoClueKid: the shape-shifter turns to Dresden with a murderous look in its eyes.
"Neutral ground." Kimblee intones quietly. "And you're in no condition."
(6:01:30 PM) NoClueKid: the creatures sighs, then takes a seat, letting its head fall onto the bar
(6:01:36 PM) NoClueKid: "Father's gonna kill me."
(6:09:14 PM) Mergoat: Dresden gets up and leaves the bar. As he was about to get into his Blue Beetle, he hears Gellert behind him.
(6:10:32 PM) NoClueKid: "Oi. Dresden."
(6:10:48 PM) Mergoat: Dresden turns around. "Yes?"
(6:11:14 PM) NoClueKid: he turns to find Gellert approaching him
(6:11:25 PM) NoClueKid: (seduction time! jk)
(6:13:20 PM) NoClueKid: He holds up the check he recently received, meeting Dresden's eyes. Dresden sees someone whose soul is indeed at odds with his appearance: a cold, bitter, haunted soul. A killer without remorse, yet also not without honor.
(6:13:49 PM) NoClueKid: "I'll split it with you. For not selling the thing out from under me in a hot second."
(6:17:53 PM) Mergoat: "Thanks, but I got a better idea: How about you buy me another drink instead and tell me who you are and why you are here?"