It was a beautiful day and everyone was excited, there was a picnic and the whole Nintendo crew was invited. As everyone finished gathering, a welcome was delivered by everyone's second favourite Mario bother. Luigi stood up and said, "Listen everyone, I love you guys. You are my best friends in the world; you make me glad to be alive". He glanced over the assembled characters and took stock of who had attended the fourth Nintendo picnic. There were many faces that Luigi recognized, Link still sported his green cap and Samus was still hidden behind her suit. But there was one face Luigi didn't recognize, a man was entering the gate: his air looked like a horizontal lightning bolt, he wore a purple suit with a giant yellow bowtie and a set of dark sunglasses on his face. The man walked over to the picnic and introduced himself in an authoritative voice, "Excuse me, hi there. I'm the announcer for a fun new family game, suitable for children and adults alike."
"What's it called", asked Fox?
"It's called Super Smash Brothers!"
"That sounds nice, how do we play", enquired Luigi?
"Well first I'm going to warp you into a world of hate and war, where you'll assault everyone you have ever known and loved before"
"I don't think I wanna do that"
"Oh, come on, it'll be a bash. Now grab all of your little friends, because it is time for us to motherfucking smash!"
"Whoa! Let's go!" everyone except Luigi shouted.
"The best way to have fun is to kick the shit out of your friends", exclaimed Ganondorf.
"That's not cool", Luigi retaliated.
"Come on", Ganondorf encourage, "Have a blast as you beat their ass; and then they're forced to clap for you at the end"
The Announcer stood up a tall pedestal do he could watch over everyone fighting one another. "I'm so glad all of you attended today", The Announcer announced though a loud-speaker, "it warms my heart to see so many participants. Now without any further ado, let kick off the proceedings. 3, 2, 1, SMASH!"
Pikachu was the first to act, heading butting Mario in the crotch. The red clad plumber collapsed to the ground holding his genitals as Falco laughed at his misfortune, "Mario, your chode has been destroyed 200%"
"I need that chode", Mario shouted, writhing on the ground in agony.
Falco continued to laugh at Mario until he in turn was grabbed by Yoshi's tongue and pulled into the dinosaurs open mouth. Luigi watched in horror as all of the Nintendo started an all-out war. Donkey Kong headed-butted Wario into the ground; Zelda was being bombarded by Pikmin; while Pit and Meta Knight flew overhead, clashing swords. Blood prayed everywhere as heroes and villains alike were mercilessly beaten with in an inch of their life. "Can't we all just get along?" Luigi shouted over the clamor of battle.
All those still conscious turned to him and, in unison, shouted, "Abso-fucking-lutely not, you gotta smash!"
Luigi surveyed the carnage going on around him as everyone pummeled each other. The park was destroyed, everyone was fighting, bodies littered the ground; hundreds of bystanders dead. He looked over and saw that Kirby held Donkey Kong captive in his huge, disgusting head. Tears streamed down his face as he watched his friends beat each other senseless. Turning to face Luigi; Fox said, "Hey Mario, stop crying. Just sack up and fight instead".
"I'm Luigi, all these bloodstains make my overalls look red"
As war waged on, The Announcer remained on his pedestal and continued his commentary of the battle. "…Sonic looked tough 'til Link kicked him in the stuff. That has got to hurt. But if you look over there, you can see that the madness of cold-blooded murder had overtaken Jigglypuff. Just now, he blasted Bowser to infinity with one massive-ass hit. But wait! Here comes Captain Falcon, has he met his match? No he hasn't! He completely disregarded being hit by a Raptor Booster and then he took three Falcon Punches like it wasn't even shit".
"Is the time almost over?" Luigi asked turning to The Announcer, "I can't tell, my face is mashed".
"Don't worry, Luigi, the clock says: 4, 3, 2, 1, smash!"
By this time, flocks of spectators had come to witness this legendary brawl. Crowds of onlookers watched character fight character as the cheered on their favourite fighter. "Whoa! You know when Mario and Peach team up, you are screwed"
"You're my own brother", shouted Luigi as he was gained up on by his sibling and the Mushroom Kingdoms princess.
"Pikachu's way less fucking cute, when he is trying to electrocute you", onlookers continued.
"PIKA-PI!" Pikachu called out as he jumped on Fox's head, electrocuting him.
"Samus is pissed, you got a small amount of dirt on her suit", Megaman pointed out to Villager
"Oh, you're dead, bitch!" Samus exclaimed as she perused the Villager as he floated away on his balloons
Luigi couldn't take it anymore: he was being attacked by his brother, people were being entertained by his friends beating each other up, and everyone was getting angry about the smallest things. "That is the last god damn straw!"
Clouds turned black in the sky and lightning flashed overhead. "Oh shit I think Luigi's gonna fucking smash!" The Announcer shouted, taking of his glasses and looking a bit scared.
Luigi leaped into the air hands glowing with green fire. "Hey, look at me now!" he shouted as he unleashed a fireball that engulfed Bowser, Wario and Ganondorf. "I'm beating my friends!" he continued as he smashed a surprised Donkey Kong in the face, with a hammer.
Luigi began to spin so quickly that he sucked up Kirby, King Dedede and Meta Knight into a tornado that he created. "I have no regrets! This is the fucking best!" he remarked as he sent all three of them flying in different directions.
Luigi began charging up a final attack, "Yes, I can see now. We're having fun in the end", realized as he unleashed a giant fireball upon Captain Falcon and Ness.
"Now it all makes sense", he conclude as he stood over the unconscious bodies of his victims.
The fighting was over Luigi had won. Everyone was either too exhausted to fight or unconscious. Mario came over to Luigi, he appeared like he wanted to congratulate Luigi. The green plumber was the first to speak, "I guess just because we smash each other, doesn't mean we're not brothers".
But Mario was bitter that Luigi had beaten him; and punched him in the face. "Ahh, Mario, you suck!"
"Bite me!" Mario retorted, turning away begrudgingly.