one way out and one way in
Disclaimer: Nope, 'cause if I owned it, Lori would be gone, and it'd be Rick/Shane raising Carl and being epic!
By: Bunny-chan
Author's Notes
Because I've shipped them since the pilot, when Rick got shot and Shane was trying not to lose his shit. And all the angst after Rick showed up alive, and guh, and then the latest episode? Come ON, that was love right there, how Shane took care of Rick, and how Rick didn't want it to be Shane going to get supplies, and then was gonna go after him, but Lori wouldn't let him, just...guh. I told myself I wasn't gonna write this pairing, but I caved, so...here it is! MOAR RICK/SHANE FICS PLZ! Hope y'all enjoy
What is this I feel
Why is it so real
What am I to say
It's only love
It's only pain
It's only fear
That runs through my veins
It's all the things you can't explain
Shane, of course, took the first watch, despite the protests, that he should be resting after he and Otis returned with the medical supplies that were needed. But he had still had too much adrenaline running through his veins, too much fear, too much...everything. But he couldn't stay in the house, he couldn't listen to Lori's sobs, or Carl's screams, and he especially couldn't stand Rick's complete and utter silence. He sat on the porch, in the old rocking chair, shotgun resting on his lap, as he rocked back and forth, waiting, just...waiting, for what, he didn't know, maybe for a Walker to show up, maybe for somebody to come outside and tell him to get some rest, or...no, he knew exactly what, or rather, who he was waiting for.
And as if thinking about him made him appear, Rick was at his side, like always, and he focused his full attention on his partner, instead of on the scenery in front of him, but he wasn't the only one on patrol anyway, Glenn and Maggie were out there somewhere. He started to get up from the chair, to let Rick have it, but he shook his head, and sat on the porch instead, looking tired and pale, none of it sat right with Shane. "How is he?" He finally broke the silence.
His answer was quiet, but hopeful, "Alive, the surgery went about as well as it could, now he just needs to make it through the night."
He swallowed harshly, nodded, even though Rick didn't look at him, "That's...that's good, I'm glad."
And he was, he really was, he didn't want to think about life without Carl in it, that little boy that had seen way too much, but still had a shining innocence about him, he hoped that it hadn't been stolen away. "It would've all went to hell if it hadn't been for you." Rick stated, gratitude dripping from his voice.
"Oh. c'mon, 'cause you weren't the one that gave him just about damn near all your blood or anything."
"Wouldn't have counted for shit if it wasn't for you getting the supplies," he moved closer to the rocking chair without realizing it, "you saved him...again."
He tried not to wince, to stomp down on the pain before it could show on his face, he knew he was selfish for resenting his best friend for taking back what was rightfully his. Lori was his wife, Carl was his son, but for those few horrible months when they had thought Rick was dead, Rick's family had been his family, a ray of sunshine in the newly darkened world. For a while, he had essentially lived the life Rick had been unable to, and it had been addictive, something he didn't know he had wanted until it was his, then taken away. The thing was, he had always loved Carl, from the minute he was born, and the kid always looked up to him, same as his dad, as far as Carl was concerned, all he had ever wanted to do was be just like his dad and Shane. But Lori, well...loving Lori took time, years, didn't happen until he had been faced with the reality of living in a world without Rick in it.
It was funny, for Carl, Lori and himself, everything really revolved around Rick, at least Carl and Lori had good reasons for that, but what was his excuse? He had thought it had been bad enough that Rick had gotten shot because he hadn't paid attention like he should have, trying his best to keep his best friend's blood on the inside, where it belonged, all while whispering that he wasn't alone, begging to stay with him. But the day the world went to hell had been the worst, determined to find a safe place for him, but confused about the machines, if unplugging them would do more harm than good, and the power had went out, and Rick's heartbeat along with it, and Shane had wanted to die there and then. If it hadn't been for the fact that Lori and Carl needed him, he was positive he would have let those soldiers kill him along with everyone else.
He pushed those thoughts away, and gave Rick a one shouldered shrug, "Yeah, well, you would've done the same for me if it was my kid."
Rick laughed a little, shaky and weak, "I know you're probably sick of hearing it, but I gotta say it again, thank you for protecting my family, even when you didn't have to."
"Course I had to, you would've kicked my ass otherwise." He left out the fact that Lori and Carl were the only connections he had left to his best friend.
"Kinda would've been hard to kick your ass stuck in a hospital full of Walkers." He joked without any actual humor in his voice.
And there was that guilt again, rising up in his throat like bile, he shouldn't have left him, should have carried him out anyway, he shouldn't have slept with Lori, or taken Carl under his wing. There were a whole lot of things he shouldn't have done when it came to Rick. As if he could sense his mood change, Rick changed the subject, "You should be resting you know, you haven't slept since you came back."
Shane just snorted, "Pot, kettle, what about you? You're the one that's been giving up blood and surviving on nothing but OJ and cookies, you need rest more than I do."
"Can't sleep, I tried, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay in the same room as Lori and Carl, it...hurt too much," he pulled his knees up to his chest, his voice clogged with emotion, "all I could think about was the fact that if it hadn't been for me-"
"No, no, we are not doing this again, what did I tell you, huh? This is not your fault," he turned to face Rick, and almost wished he hadn't, even in the dark, his blue eyes were alight with pain and guilt, "you weren't the one that shot him, and you were willing to risk everything to get him help."
Rick didn't disagree with him, but he didn't agree either, "You know, when you and Otis were raiding the school for supplies, I wanted to go after you, it had been too long, and all I could think was that I should've gone with you."
"Let me guess, Lori stopped you, right?" He smirked, "I'm glad she did, I would have stopped you."
"Yeah, breaking my legs, I remember," he returned the smirk, before it wilted and shriveled up, "it was easier dealing with worrying about you than Carl, does that...make me a bad person?"
He sounded completely unsure of himself, something he could never associate with his partner, and it was almost hilarious that Rick even needed to ask that question. He was the epitome of good, heroic, honorable, willing to put his life on the line for complete strangers, he was everything Shane had never and could never be. Rick had become a police officer to help people, Shane had become one just so he could shoot things, "Rick, you couldn't be a bad person even if you tried, just ain't in you, that's my job anyway."
He shook his head, "You doubt yourself too much, Shane, you're just as good as you think I am."
Yeah, because a good person would fuck his best friend's wife, seriously think about killing said best friend, and then almost raping his wife. Yup, Shane Walsh was destined to be a saint when he died, assuming the Pope was even alive. When he didn't answer, Rick kept going, "I mean, not a lot of people would have taken care of another man's family during the goddamn apocalypse, you know? It would've been every man for himself."
It had been simple, really, Rick was dead, protect what was left of him, maybe it made him horrible, but at the end of day, at first at least, Lori and Carl were just a means to an end, as long as he kept them alive, he had to keep going. "You're my best friend, idiot, why the hell wouldn't I take care of your family?"
He was quiet for a few moments, and if he hadn't already been looking at him, he would've thought he had fallen asleep, "You know, I've been thinking about it a lot...I wanted to apologize."
Shane frowned, what the hell did he have to apologize to him about? If anything, it was the other way around, shit, Shane could write a goddamn thesis on all the reasons he needed to be forgiven, "For what?"
"Back when we were arguing about whether to go to the CDC or not, I said you wouldn't understand, because Lori and Carl weren't your family," he leaned his head against Shane's leg, and it was the touch more than the words that made him burn, "I was wrong, they're your family too, sometimes I just forget."
Seriously, there were times Shane had to wonder how somebody like Rick could even exist in the world they lived in, the before and the after. "Nah, I'm just the best friend, that's all."
He made a sound of disagreement, gently headbutting Shane's leg, "You're more than that, Shane, you know that, you always have been."
He snorted, one hand leaving his shotgun to nestle into Rick's hair, something he had been doing lately without thinking about it, "Sure, bud, whatever you say, I definitely think you need that nap."
"Shane..." His voice was rough like gravel, the quality of it made goosebumps run along his flesh, despite the warm temperature, "Christ, can't you figure out by now that I need you?"
He was fairly positive that he hadn't meant it in that way, but still, what did it say about him that he kind of wished otherwise? Rick's eyes were glistening again, bluer than the sky, with all the emotions of an oncoming thunderstorm, and Shane wanted to take that pain away. He put his gun aside, leaning his body down so he could rest his forehead against Rick's, his fingers still running through his hair, "Partners until the end, right?"
Rick's shoulders shook a little with weak laughter, "Then you'd think we wouldn't be partners anymore, right?"
"Nah, long as we're alive, we're stuck with each other." It was always their way, for years, affirming their love for each other without actually saying the words.
He gave out a shaky breath, that Shane inhaled, before he leaned closer and pressed his lips to Shane's. It was perfectly chaste, but filled with everything neither of them could put into words, and it took everything inside of Shane to resist the urge to curve his hand against Rick's head and pull him in. When Rick pulled away, he looked more like himself again, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, and Shane couldn't stop himself from grinning, because he had done that, he had given his partner something to smile about, and in their world, that was worth more than anything. "Thanks." He stated quietly.
"Yeah...you're welcome." He straightened up, picking his shotgun back up, returning it to his lap, and Rick returned to leaning his head against his leg.
Neither of them spoke, and Rick's breath evened out and became shallow, his legs splaying out on the porch, and Shane knew he was finally asleep. Their lives consisted of things found only in horror movies, but he had his best friend with him, trusting him to watch over him in his spent state. That meant everything to Shane, and he wanted to keep Rick's trust for as long as possible, even if the guilt continued to eat him out from the inside, it was worth it.
One hand rested on his gun, the other on Rick's head, making sure he got his much needed and well deserved rest, he was certain that unless it dealt with Carl, he was more than willing to shoot anybody that bothered Rick just as quick as he'd put down a Walker. "Don't you worry, Rick, I've got your back." He whispered, keeping his eyes straight ahead.
Because even if the world had essentially ended, as long as Shane Walsh had Rick Grimes at his side, he could keep going. After all, he was willing to admit, at least to himself, Rick was the center of his universe, as twisted as it was, it was the least fucked up thing about him. Welcome to the ride that was Shane Walsh's mind, keep your hands and feet inside at all times, and don't disturb anything that consisted of Rick, and you'd be fine.