Guilty
Summary: Sam Winchester felt guilty for Jessica's death; the memory of the love of his life pinned to the ceiling, burning, still haunted his sleep. But was it really his fault? (One Shot)
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A pair of eyelids fluttered open, revealing a pair of amazing blue eyes. An accelerated breath was the only sound echoing in the dark room, apart from the sad melody of the wind playing with the trees.
Straightening, a blue-eyed young man ran a hand through his black hair and down to his neck; he was sweating intensely, but his sweat was cold. Probably, that was due to the nightmare he had just had; a nightmare where fire seemed to engulf him…
He leaned against the headboard, careful not to make much noise; the last thing he needed was for Dean to wake up and ask him if everything was ok. How could things be ok? He had lost the woman he loved not many months before and ever since then he had been on the road, trying to find his father and killing anything supernatural that crossed his path…
Sam sighed deeply; how he missed Jessica… her voice, her laugh, her touch… His thoughts drifted slowly to the first time they met, and how he had blushed when he first stared into her eyes… That moment was preciously locked in his mind, for he knew he would never see her again…
Sam focused his gaze on his sleeping brother; Dean groaned, almost as if he could sense what Sam was thinking about. Dean always made his thoughts very clear in what concerned Jessie's death: there was no way Sam could have stopped it from happening. But Sam thought differently…
The dreams he had before it actually happened… those were warnings of what was coming, but he ignored them, he pretended they were just nightmares. He, Sam Winchester, decided to ignore the signs that indicated that a tragedy was about to happen; if someone was to blame, that would be him.
'Dude, stop blaming yourself! You want someone to point the finger at? Blame the damn Demon that killed Mom and Jessica; don't torture yourself thinking that you should have saved her…'
Dean's words popped in his mind, as loud and clear as if he was talking at the moment; that was obviously his mind playing tricks on him, since Dean was soundly asleep. Sam closed his eyes for a moment, trying to recall distant memories from his past…
He wondered if his father had felt the same way… he wondered if John Winchester had ever felt guilty for Mary's death. He turned to the bedside table and grabbed his cell phone instinctively. He dialled his father's number, but didn't make the call; he knew he wouldn't pick up and even if he did, what in the world was he going to tell him? 'Hey Dad, I was just wondering if you ever felt guilty for mum's death…' Sam felt so stupid just for considering asking that.
He shook his head and placed the cell phone on the table. Why was it so hard to let go? Why was he haunted by nightmares of that dreadful night? Sam only wished he could have one night free of those visions…
Dean revolved a little bit on his bed, and mumbled a few incomprehensible words; Sam leaned a bit closer to his brother's bed, until he finally understood one word: Cassie. Apparently, he wasn't the only one having nightmares… Dean had his own ghosts too, and Sam couldn't help but feel sorry for his older brother.
He slanted himself against the headboard again, and was suddenly hit by a thought; a thought that had never occurred to him before. Jessica was dead, and no matter how much time went by, she would never return. Now Cassie… she was alive, and nevertheless, Dean was still on the road, killing everything evil that he encountered, at same time trying to find the Demon.
Sam slapped a hand against his forehead, and realized how much pain Dean must have been through after Cassie left him. Had his brother felt guilty for their break up too? Had Dean blamed himself for ruining what he and Cassie had?
Sam would probably never have the answer to that question, but there was one thing he was sure of: Dean had let go of her. Sam struggled not to cry… maybe it was time for him to let go of Jessica, to let go of his guilty feelings. If John and Dean had managed to go on with their lives, so should he.
The black-haired young man felt a small tear rolling down its face; yes, the time to move on had come. "I love you Jessica and I'll always do, but I have to overcome this… I have to be strong again… goodbye", he whispered to the night.
The wind carried away his words, and Sam felt a peaceful feeling invading his whole body; he knew now that the nightmares would never haunt his sleep again. He laid his tired body over the mattress, and allowed his eyes to close…
The End
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