A/N: This is the craziest thing I've ever written.
And I once wrote a Labyrinth/Death Note crossover!
Anyway, I can only hope there is another Lokane fan out there familiar with Kaichou wa Maid-sama! If you're not… well, hopefully you can enjoy this anyway.
And if you are, please tell me so I can hug you.
Be warned: this is a cracky fic. It IS based on a shojo manga after all.
The scene of this story is Seidr High, a school that was once a place where science and logic went to die. Populated by jocks, artists, and the occasional band geek, there wasn't much room for the scientifically inclined to shine. And so, while the rest of Seidr attended sporting events and put on extravagant concerts, the eggheads and science geeks alike languished in obscurity, waiting for their savior to come and turn things at Seidr High around..
That savior did come, and for the newly established Seidr High Science Club, there could have been no one better to take up the mantle of club president.
"Alright everyone, let's get to work- hey, put that reflecting telescope back where you found it! I TOLD YOU WE'RE USING REFRACTING TELESCOPES TODAY!"
"All geology students return the microscopes to their proper places at once! They belong to the biology students!"
"No removing equipment from the lab without expressed written permission from myself or the vice-president!"
"Gloves must be worn at all times while handling chemicals. If you even THINK about taking them off before your experiment is finished, you are OUT OF HERE!"
…okay, so she was a little on the abrasive side, but trust me, Seidr High needed it.
It was an unhappy truth for Jane Foster that she had lucked into the position of club president. That was how bad things for the little scientist of Seidr High before she came along; not a single other person would step up for the job. It made for a pretty boring and quick campaign. The part of her that wanted to win fair and square in a proper election was both furious and disappointed. Of course it was only a few days before she realized she was all but unopposed in making decisions for the club, because most of the members were either too absorbed in working with their new, modernized equipment or just too terrified of her wrath to ever speak up. The vice-president and other higher up members deferred to her on pretty much everything.
And even if none of these things were true at all, even if they were the exact opposite of what they were, it wasn't like anyone would have any choice in matter.
"Uh, President?"
Bruce Banner, the vice president of the science club and designated speaker for all those apprehensive of approaching the presidential lab table, ran his fingers along the manila folder that had been left on his desk. Jane, who had had her nose in a physics text and an unfinished equation written all over a sheet of loose leaf paper (and the desk itself), looked up.
"I was just going over your plans for the Science Club's booth at the school festival," Bruce said, as demurely as he could in the face of his superior's smoldering rage. "And well… I think this may be a bit excessive? I mean, I like the general idea, but trying to represent every single scientific field, and with this much emphasis on astrophysics… I just don't think our budget is going to cover this."
Jane let out a steam of air through her nose, and it was truly amazing how much she could look like a hungry bull when she wanted to.
"Are you kidding me?" she asked softly, before slamming her palms down on the table. "Of COURSE the budget will cover it! And if it doesn't, WE WILL MAKE IT COVER IT! The future of our club depends on us having the best presentation for the school festival. A presentation so good, it will blow the all those meathead jocks and crybaby artists out of the water! We're going to show them that the pursuit of science is the richest and most rewarding pursuit of happiness in this world. As god as my witness, I will build this floundering club up from the ashes and transform this school into a haven of scientific knowledge. Do you hear me? WE WILL SEND EVERY OTHER CLUB RUNNING HOME WITH THEIR TAILS BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! WHO'S WITH ME?"
Jane raised a balled fist to the sky, though she did not receive quite the rallying war cry she'd been aiming for. Her fellow club members were too busy cowering in fear of her and her oppressive zeal. The only sound discernible from the pitiful crying of Jane's peers was the deep. dark chuckling from just outside the room. As the sound reached her ears, Jane had no need to turn around and see who was there. The blackened twisting of her gut that his presence always evoked was more than enough.
"My my, I see someone is scaring her underlings into submission again. And here I thought you were trying to be a more friendly and approachable authority figure from now on."
He was standing with his foot against the door frame, arms crossed with the sleeves of his uniform shirt rolled up. That went against school rules, but then, so did everything else Loki Odinson did, right up to having no club of his own to attend and constantly interrupting this one. Breaking the rules was just kind of his trademark.
That, and pissing off one Jane Foster on a regular basis.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Jane shouted at him. "I thought I told you to go find your own club. Quit bothering this one!"
As always, Loki completely disregarded her orders and walked into the room. In an instant, all twenty female club members and twenty three of the male ones (Bruce was the sole exception), fell into line, rendered awestruck by the arrival of Seidr High's most mysterious and talked about student. For her part, Jane would never understand what made Loki Odinson so interesting, beyond the fact that he was ridiculously smart, talented in every sport there was (despite showing not the slightest interest in joining a team) and had the looks and physique of a male model. Add in the fact that no one actually knew where he'd come from or who his family was, and you've got some prime fangirl(and boy) bait on your hands. It's a wonder Jane can resist at all, but let's be honest, there wouldn't be much of a story if she couldn't.
"I can't help it," Loki said. He towered over the petite Jane, and she was forced against her desk to avoid running into him. Sinfully long fingers reached up to stroke her cheek, tracing lines all the way down to the tip of her chin. "If I don't get to see your cute face at the end of each day, I may just lost my mind."
It was to Jane's eternal shame that he could always do this to her, make her face heat up so much that it would surely explode one day. But with his every word and his every touch, Jane was undone. Even with forty something eavesdroppers watching in stunned silence as the enigmatic Loki Odinson seduced the infamous 'Demon Science President.'
"Looks like Odinson is going after Demon Pres again," said a blonde headed young man two his two friends.
The three of them were also not science club members, but had merely been wandering around that wing of the building when the action started. Having nothing better to do, they were sticking around to watch the action. The largest of them laughed, his massive belly shaking with glee. He threw an arm around the third, most severe looking friend, who probably wished the large one would do anything but.
"Those science nerds must be so confused as to what he sees in her," he said.
The other two murmured in agreement before getting bored and moving on.
"And by the way," Loki said, coming close to Jane's ear so his next words could be all for her. "I'd be happy to be your witness."
"Guh- uh…" Jane struggled to find her voice again. "Y- y- you- YOU STUPID PERVERT ALIEN!"
It was so much easier to loathe the ground Loki Odinson walked on when she could scream it as well as think it.
Yes, Jane Foster was clearly the fiercest, most passionate Science Club President Seidr High had ever seen, in addition to being the first.
But there was something no one in the Science Club, or in the whole of Seidr High, knew about Jane Foster.
You see, she had a great and terrible secret, one that had the potential to completely obliterate the powerful, no-nonsense reputation she'd worked so hard to foster (no pun intended) if word got out. She would be a laughingstock if people knew. No one in the Science Club would ever trust her to lead them again. The backlash of such disillusionment on a club that is on shaky grounds to be begin with would be cataclysmic.
That was why no one could ever find out the truth about Jane Foster's part time job.
The scene now shifts to a tiny cafe squished between two large buildings. It's a quaint location, though by no means secluded. It's customer base is strong and it's staff is warm and pleasant. It is here that we find Jane Foster after school, preparing to start her shift.
She tied her uniform apron around her waist, careful not to wrinkle her black and white dress or sag the fabric. Her knee high socks had yet to be applied, and her headwear untied and lopsided. The clock on the wall struck the hour, reminding Jane that she was five minutes late. One of the others would have to greet the new costumers in her place if she didn't hurry up.
"It's a good thing the manager is so understanding," Jane muttered to herself, though with her frenetic attempts to pull on her socks while hopping up and down like a drunken kangaroo, it didn't come out quite as intelligible as that.
"Good thing… manager… have to move… stupid alien… Odinson…"
Jane hastily buckled her shoes and tied her bonnet. Her wardrobe was complete, but there was no way she could go out and greet the customers like this. She stopped before the full length mirror, fixing herself liberally where needed. There was a time when so much as looking at herself in uniform made her want to vomit. She was past that now, but that didn't make it any easier. Having to acknowledge that her poor financial situation had driven her to take a job like this, no matter how nice the other girls were to her, or how good the pay was for a part time job, was all but unbearable. It was just... just...
How could she reconcile being both a powerful club president and… this?
"Alright, Jane," she tells her reflection. "Just breathe for a minute. Just breathe."
Jane recalled a meditation technique someone had once taught her: inhale four seconds, hold for seven seconds, exhale eight seconds, repeat ad naseum.
When her heart had slowed and her mind was clear, Jane took one last deep breath and stepped into the open. A herd of new customers were already waiting. With practiced steps and her hands cupped over her front, Jane put on the cutest smile she could muster and bowed.
"Good afternoon, Masters," she said. "May I show you to your seats?"
That's right, Jane Foster, school genius and Science Club president extraordinaire, worked at a Maid Cafe.
"JANNIIIIIIE!"
The three young men who sat at the corner table shrieked and squealed as Jane eyed them for the briefest moment. That she looked the exact opposite of happy to see them (as any good Maid would) didn't matter to them so much as her acknowledging their presence at all.
Before we go on, yes, these are the same three guys who were expressing surprise at Loki Odinson's attachment to Jane earlier on. These three are called Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun, and they discovered Jane's secret life purely by chance on day not too long ago. At first, they planned to exploit the knowledge for their own gain, but the timely intervention of a concerned citizen- plus Jane's own verbal thrashing of the trio- put them right back in their place. Now, they are some of Jane's best customers, even if their idiotic ways are not quite to her liking.
You may be wondering about that concerned citizen I just mentioned.
I'll give you three guess who it was.
"Oh Jane dear! I need a refill on my coffee."
"Don't call me dear." Jane grumbled. The empty silver tray in her hands would have small, finger shaped indents from then on. "You stupid alien."
That's right! Loki Odinson is also in on Jane's secret, and another of her most valued customers. He was the first to discover the truth when he bumped into Jane taking out the trash in her uniform after a long day of work (Jane contends that it never would have happened if she hadn't been utterly exhausted and so desperate to get home that she'd forgotten to put on her jacket.)
Loki makes a point of visiting Jane at work every chance he gets, and since he has no extra curricular responsibilities like other students who actually care about their education, that's pretty much every day. He's like a leech, only he's a person and he's nicer to look at and he makes Jane's heart race in tandem with her growing desire to choke him to death. So in other words, not like a leech at all.
"Here's your refill, Master."
Jane slammed the glass on his table, making the empty plate and silverware clink together. Loki barely reacted, not to that nor to the pure malice in Jane's eyes as she levied a glare at him.
"I so hope you are enjoying your time here," she seethed, knowing he would recognize her code for 'get the hell out of here and never come back you stupid intrusive bastard you stop smiling at me like you're so perfect what kind of alien freak person are you?'
Loki smirked, like he did every other time Jane 'communicated' with him in this way. That was how she knew he understood her. No way he would do something to make her that angry without knowing how angry it would make her in the first place.
Oh, how she hated this guy.
And how she hated how nobody else ever saw how hateable he really was.
Least of all her employer.
"Oh-ho-ho! I see our resident lovebirds are once more taking flight!"
A mass of curly hair in a too small Lolita style maid costume slid to their table. She wrapped her arms around Jane and Loki's heads before anyone could stop her. Rocking them back and forth, Darcy Lewis laughed her haughty noblewoman's laugh so that Jane would have one more night with it's grating sound ringing in her ears.
"Loki, I really do love it when your grace us with your presence. Janie here may be one of our hardest workers and most popular maids, but she is such a grumpypants when you're not around. I can hardly bear it."
"If I'm grumpy without him, what the hell do you call me now?" Jane asked herself (not like she'd have gotten an answer anyway).
"I'm always happy to assist Jane in improving her work," Loki said, politely extracting himself from Darcy's grasp and taking a gentlemanly sip of his coffee. "After all, she's going to be my personal maid someday. It's only right that I start playing the role of a caring master now rather than later."
While Jane sputtered in incoherent rage, Darcy squealed with joy as little hearts floated around her head like happy angels of love. That girl always was too flighty and lovestruck for her own good (Jane blamed the dead family member who bequeathed the cafe to her in the first place).
After Jane was finished dealing with Loki (for now), she went to check on the rest of her customers, ending with the trio of fanboys beholding her like she was a pure hearted angel from heaven.
"Janie, you're always so cute and happy," Fandral said with stars in his eyes that perfectly mirrored those of his two friends. "Tell me, what kind of mood are you in right now?"
Jane giggled and put on a dimply smile.
"Why… I'm pissed off!"
She skipped away to her next table while Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg screamed in horror and slumped over in their seats with tears streaming down their faces.
"Our Janie… she's so cold-hearted…"
"Our primary objective this month is to defeat the science club at Stark Private Academy. The president may be the founder's son, but he's a brilliant scientist in his own right. Their school is run by an advanced artificial intelligence of his own creation. If Seidr High is to beat that, we must double- no, triple- our efforts to be the most forward thinking science club in high school science club history. DO YOU COPY THAT?"
A wave of cheers answered Jane's proclamation, and if they hadn't come from only three or four of the club's forty something members, it might have been truly rousing.
As you can see, we are back to Jane Foster's day job as the hard nosed science club president at Seidr High, and she's still having a few issues with connecting to her peers. Those who are too afraid to open their mouths huddle around their tables, checking on beakers and going over experiment results and new hypothesis's. Anything to avoid having to make eye contact with the president.
I should probably make it clear that the science club members really do like having Jane as their president. Domineering she may be, she's the only reason they have all these new opportunities and a real chance at making a name for themselves in the scientific world. It would only take her softening her approach just a little, and the club members would be free to like her as much as they wanted to. This has no real bearing on the story at large, I just wanted to point this out.
After Jane finished supervising everyone's progress, checked to make sure the caterpillars were maturing on schedule, and assignment a random member to feed the fish at the end of the day, she retreated to her desk to go over with Bruce the club's finances. For Jane, this went on long after club hours ended and everyone else had gone home. By sundown, the stack of papers she'd finished reviewing was five times the size of the stack of papers still untouched, but Jane didn't feel like she'd accomplished anything.
Maybe after she got home and got some rest she'd feel better. She had the day off from work today which, God willing, meant one night free from the suffocating presence of-
"Working another late shift, Jane? You're not even at work tonight."
…there was a reason Jane didn't believe any god was real.
"That's cruel, I'm very real," Loki said. He pulled up the seat Bruce had vacated, and leaned his elbows on the important papers. Jane was left red faced and angry and confused as all hell.
"What the hell are you talking about?" she demanded.
"Nevermind that, I just wanted to see you."
Loki sat back, removing himself from Jane's personal space. She snatched the papers before he had a chance to sabotage her presidential work again. She read carefully and filled out the appropriate boxes. Her speed was unchanged, but there was something different in the air around her, and her concentration suffered for it.
She could turn every which way, and Loki was always in the corner of her eye. It was like he was more than a person, or even more than the alien Jane suspected him of being (he was just too handsome and smart and good at everything not to be!). More like he was a force of nature that the very fabric of reality bowed to.
And if that was true, Jane was prepared to throw her hands up and give up science for the rest of her life.
Well, not really, but you get the picture.
"Look, can we not do this today?" Jane asked after enough time had passed. The page she'd been staring at for ten whole minutes could've eroded into the wood by now. "In fact, can we not do this any day?"
She turned her chair around before she could falter. She was far more surprised than him that she'd been able to verbalize any of that when he seemed determined to use his alien powers to keep her too disoriented to think straight. His mouth was slightly open, white teeth just visible beneath thin lips that been dangerously close to hers (in both reality and in dreams Jane may or may not be having a couple of times a week) more times than she could count.
"I don't understand," he said.
Jane shook her head. "You can't just waltz around the club room without being a member, and you can't come to my job every night just to bother me."
"What makes you think I'm coming for you?" Loki asks with a teasing grin. "The Maid Cafe happens to serve some of the most flavorful coffee I have ever tasted. Though I do think your omelettes could stand for improvement."
Jane forces her swirling rage into a more docile state and inhales deeply.
"I just want to be able to do my work in peace," she said. "And you happen to be very…"
"Distracting?" Loki supplied when the word became stuck on Jane's tongue.
She hadn't realized until now what a death sentence admitting that would be. It would mean giving Loki exactly what he wanted, the knowledge that her reactions to his constant advances were neither spontaneous nor exaggerated. They stayed with her long after the fact. They invaded her mind and plagued her nightly hours. The worst part was that after all this time, she could no longer say they were unwanted, if they ever had been at all.
With that horrible (wonderful) wolfish grin that so well characterized him, Loki rolled his chair up next to hers. He took her chin between his fingers and brought their faces together. Warm breath tickled Jane's neck as her chest nearly exploded and her face caught fire.
"If that is what my precious maid wants," Loki whispers. "Then I shall happily oblige. On my honor, you shall no longer find me a customer of the Maid Cafe."
Jane swallowed. It felt impossible to move away, but through sheer force of will and pent up rage, she managed it. She moved all the way to the other side of the room, hoping beyond hope that the lack of close proximity would help her regain her bearing and prevent a massive heart attack.
"F-fine," she said, holding the paper in air to cover her face. "Good. See that you do."
She completely missed the mischievous grin that spread across Loki's features, and seeing it might have saved her a lot of trouble.
"Janieeeee! There you are! Have you said hello to our new part time chef? Janie? Oh Ja-ane? Can you hear me?"
Darcy called her name a few more times, and used her foot to nudge at the decaying husk of flesh that had once been Jane Foster before eventually giving up and going to pick up an order from the kitchen. In his plain black apron and with a spatula in hand, Loki handed her the freshly made omelette, the smell of which wafted through the air and made Darcy's mouth water.
"I hope she's not overworking herself," Loki said, nodding at Jane. "Perhaps a night of recuperation at my place is in order?"
His words were like magic, restoring life to Jane's blood and bones and sending her brain in overdrive. Like a shock to the system, she sprang into the air with a primal shriek of pain and fury. It sounded a bit like an irate chimpanzee, Loki smiled serenely where any normal human being would've been wetting their pants in fear.
"Isn't it great, Jane?" Darcy obliviously went on. "I had no idea Loki was such an amazing cook. And he's agreed to work every day after school! I don't know what I ever did to deserve customers and employees like you guys."
Darcy danced her way out of the kitchen, giving Jane some much needed privacy with her new comrade in arms. Loki kneaded some flour into the dough of whatever he was currently making, sparing Jane not but a glance over his shoulder. Considering she was burning with literal fire, venomous snakes protruded from her head, and her eyes on Loki were those of a true demon, it was a bit of an underreaction.
"I said I would no longer be a customer here, Jane," he said.
Jane screamed so loud, it blew the roof straight off the building.
"YOU IDIOT ODINSON!"