An Act of Insubordination
By Lysis
(Copyright Elizabeth C. Owens, May 2014
The insubordination of Hephaistion and Krateros against the King and Army.
Part I
The ivory of the stylos cracked and broke beneath the pressure of his grip. "I swear by all that is holy… Kleon!" Alexander swore loudly and called for the duty page as the thin ivory tip snapped and his hand crashed into the ink pot sending it skittering across the top of his writing table. The thick black liquid splashed across the fine sheet of papyrus. The great splotches staining it seemed to enrage him even more. He swore loudly pushing himself away from the table and began to pace frenetically within the small confines of his private chamber.
"Hush! He swung round on his heel to admonish his dog, Peritas. The dog had caught his master's scent of frustration and was whining as he sensed his irritation. The old hound stumbled to his feet to pace beside his master.
"Father Zeus! Why? Why? What work… whose work is this? Are they both mad?" Alexander's voice rose in a sharp bark as he swung about once more to face Peritas who revealed nothing but devoted attention. The hounds' black eyes were bright with merriment and the red tongue hanging from his furred mouth showed nothing but what was normal desire for clowning. He laved an unprepared Alexander with that large wet tongue and wagged his tail widely sending familiar earthy animal scent into the tension filled air. Unbending his anger enough to laugh he bent forward taking the animal in his arms and breathed in a bit more calmly. Then his nose wrinkled - clearly Peritas still bore the strong odor of hunting upon his paws. The soft pads were thick with mud and other refuse. Sitting back on his haunches Alexander played with his dog and rubbed the paws clean on his tunic.
"Nai, nai," he petted the attentive animal lovingly. "There, you are presentable again. You are always presentable. Nai, I should relieve them of their duties and put you in their place. You'll not argue with me, you'll not do these things that try my spirit." Impatiently he rolled his eyes as he watched a black stain spread on the rich carpeting.
"KLEON NOW, DO NOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT OLYMPIAD!" Alexander bawled out as though on the battlefield and rose to his feet. Peritas' barking seemed to finally bring the attention Alexander sought. The dog stood barking at the pages as though scolding them as well then ran out toward the voice of Bagoas who was calling for him. The black curly haired youth came at a full run with Anakreon, another page following close behind. It was on the tip of his tongue to give the page a tongue-lashing; he was in such a mood that anyone who came within inches of him he would slay them with his hand if not his tongue. But, no, he had gone that route once before and still had not forgiven himself.
"It's a mess, the stylos broke, I… see to it!" He swung rapidly away from the mess of the dripping black ink, ruined papyrus and his pages. He had thought his rage had abated but the breaking stylos caused it to rise again. Or in truth he admitted as the sun had begun its descent he had begun to grow anxious and that caused his anger to rise. Hephaistion would come soon, then Krateros. Two lions in a cage… His Myrmidons. Ha, he'd like nothing but to break their backs at this moment.
They would have to speak of it. He did not want to …well there was nothing for it. The voices of the two pages seemed to spill out in the small space filling it completely.
"Quiet! I'll hear no more squabbling this day. I care not how you remove the ink from the rug, just do it quickly and in silence or by the gods…!" His sharp voice barked out his order and instantly the two youths settled about their task in complete silence. Suddenly he felt all the anger within him deflate and sank down abruptly on a campstool. "Wine, and Anakreon fetch your lyre. I would have some soothing music later, when this day is over." He gave the order simply and drank his wine thoughtfully while he sat lost in thought.
While he waited, he picked up the stained sheet. The words seemed to taunt him. He could make sense of it even though the ink had blacked half of them out and the rest had been scratched over so many times in his hasty anger as he wrote that no one but he would know what he had written. Well, there was one man who would, even if he could not read the words. He could always read his mind, almost know his thoughts even before he had coined them himself. So why…? Alexander shook his head unable to understand the matter that he had found himself embroiled in suddenly just a scant two hours before. It was to be a letter to the man, an exercise of forming his thoughts before he had to face him.
"Hephaistion,
You know my reason for this exercise. I am aware even as I put ink to page in the great desire to forgo this, to ignore the need …
Never, never did I think to see such a thing as this transpire between us, between we three! You know what you both are to me. Haides you most of all! How much…. How I need you both. You know…. Haides!
Why? Why, why Tion did you engage with him knowing his desires to bait you? You know as I how shrewd he is.. Oh, but… you both, your Pluton damned tempers! Did I not love you so I would.. I would., I… ugggghhhhhhh!
Why did you draw us, our dreams, desires into this fray? You put as a sacrifice our hopes and vows, YOU BETRYAED THEM! Hephaisiton, you betrayed us, I have given you everything, my Self and Soul and this you spat upon today. I love you with all my being. This you know, I know you know, I know, I know, I….Haides, Haidesssssss, Hephaistion! Your life – to have to say I will snatch it away from you grieves me enormously, deeply, it tears at me and destroys me! Without you who is Alexander but an unsure man? Only you know this, so why? Why put us to this test?
Were you here before me now…. it is well you are not! Where did I harm you that you would harm me, my trust so in return? Have I not acknowledged you before all? I know, understand you, your pride, your gifts, your vanity as though they are my own –they are simply, they are. We are as one, you more than any und, other knows this, I understand your uncertainties, secret fears as you do mine. Why do you wound me so? Where have I failed you? I beg to know this – I beg for your voice to speak reason once again, with mine to show that great forbearance, wisdom, and genius, our teachers beheld and were awed by. Be that man!
The Hephaistion, he… the one I saw this day, he is the one who wars and draws against the vanities and spitefulness of Krateros, he is that callow youth who would arise from time to time. I thought him left in the past. And, Hephaistion, Gods knows, Zeus knows, I too, I am not so shining. My heart, my tongue, they too can be bitter. So well I know, like vipers…
I know Krateros' vanity, the unkindness that can dwell within him. the wounding that can come from his unthinking tongue. I too know his brilliance as I know yours, why do you, either of you deny this me? I know his mind, and I know yours...Haides to you both!
There it stopped unreadable and unwritten save in his mind. He paced gulping down wine full of churning thoughts. He looked before him but saw nothing to give answers only shadows.
The shadows seemed to be in his very mind. The sound of his own breath hissing spilled outward and caught him up. He felt bereft as though a death had occurred and he could find no peace from the grief setting up inside of him. Hephaistion, images of his cascaded through his mind. When they were younger, had been happier, at less odds with both themselves and each other. When there were less problems. This was his fault, his and Krateros. Yet…
He wanted desperately to find some comfort from what had occurred. At this moment to take back his words, but also to carry them out himself toward both of them. He was just that angry and just that hurt, deeply, deeply hurt. It was almost as though something had broken that had desperately needed to be held together and now some part of him was in shambles and he found himself caught swinging back and forth on an uneasy wave of emotion. He feared it would sink him and perhaps destroy one he loved.
"Why?" The question echoed relentlessly leaving him no peace. "Why does he do this to me? It is insubordination, from both of them, but more from him because, because, oh! Gods I do hate him! This very moment, I would slay them both with this hand!" He knew he was speaking to the air and self-consciously lowered his outstretched arm and its weapon.
"Father Zeus, I am a mess. I Alexander, I this moment, I have no control." Shaking his head he set down the kopis his hand had lifted, setting it gently down and threw himself upon a stool. He began crossing and uncrossing his legs then frowned at his actions and forced himself to stillness and reflection. His hand played across the seal on his finger of his right hand. From his Father's bloodied hand it had come to him. Stroking it soothed him. Philip's voice suddenly rose within him, full of a wisdom he only now understood. How, at this moment he longed to speak with him. He would know, understand. He had warred many battles, some of the worst without swords. He understood this now. Such a futility is youthful pride. He laughed softly at his own former innocence and new bitter memories. Ah, such a thing it is to be a king, indeed! His father though…he would never have understood the one thing that Alexander knew was his greatest fear next to losing his daemon and invincibility…Hephaistion. He had admitted as much, once, and oddly looked the sadder for it.
TBC...