Boot to the head
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"As the executor of Mr. Arc's estate I have been empowered to read Mr. Arc's last will and testament." Ozpin said. He and a group of individuals had gathered in a room together to read the will of the recently deceased Jaune Arc.
"Well, get on with it. The bar's open soon." Qrow complained.
"-Sob sob- Oh poor dear Jaune! Ahhhhh!" Weiss lifted her handkerchief up to her nose and blew.
"Oh there, there Weiss." Neptune, her husband comforted her.
"Gosh, how predictably boring." Russel had his chin raised and his eyes slightly open, doing his best to look down on the others with his usual holier-than-thou attitude.
"I've never worked for a kinder man." Glynda Goodwitch had a smile on her face in memory of Jaune Arc.
"If we are all seated I shall proceed with the reading." Ozpin brought out the will.
"I knew it." Russel said.
Qrow chuckled and opened a bottle of beer he had brought with him.
Ozpin opened the will and started, "I, Jaune Arc, being of sound mind and body-"
"That's a laugh! Ha ha ha!" Qrow took a swig of beer.
"-do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. First, to my overly emotional sister, Weiss-"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHA! Weiss sobbed her eyes out until Neptune said, "Weiss dear, he's talking about us."
"Oh." Weiss calmed down.
"-who grubbed with her husband, Neptune, grubbed for everything they could get from me and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy." Ozpin was looking at the pair by now.
"What?" Weiss barely had time to express the amount of confusion she had before Ozpin read," To Weiss, I leave…..a boot to the head."
"A what?!"
*POW*
Sure enough, a Ozpin sent a boot flying straight at Weiss's head and it found its target.
"Ow!" Weiss rubbed her head where the boot had hit her.
"Weiss! Are you ok?" Neptune asked.
"And another boot to her wimpy husband, Neptune." Ozpin threw another boot.
*POW*
"Ow!" Now Neptune was rubbing his head. Meanwhile Qrow was laughing at both of them.
"This is an outrage!" Weiss interjected.
"Ah, but still," Ozpin kept reading, ignoring her, "you are my sister. You have both admired my Lamborghini (A/N #knowledge) and since I no longer need it-"
"Oh, dear Jaune! He's too kind." Weiss said, despite the fact that she'd just gotten a boot thrown at her thanks to Jaune's request.
"-I bequeath another boot to the head."
"What?!"
*POW*
"Ow!" Weiss exclaimed again.
"And one more for the wimp."
*POW*
"Ow!" Neptune exclaimed again.
Qrow was laughing even harder until he heard what was read next.
"Next to my alcoholic brother."
"Hey I don't want no boot to the head." Qrow took another swig,
"To dear Qrow who has never worked a day in his drunken life-"
I'm coverin' up my head." Qrow put the bottle down to put his arms over his head.
"-I leave my wine cellar and ten crates of my finest whiskey."
"Really?" Qrow put his arms down.
"And a boot to the head."
*POW*
"Oh!" Now Qrow was rubbing his head.
"And another for Weiss and the wimp!"
*POW*
"Ah!"
*POW*
"Ow!" The two of them almost fell over.
"Next, to my know-it-all nephew Russel-"
"This is so predictable." Russel pointed out.
"-I leave a boot to the head."
*POW*
"Uh! I knew it."
"And one more for Weiss and the wimp."
*POW*
"Ah!"
*POW*
"Ow!" The couple had fallen over by now and were on the ground with red foreheads.
"This takes care of family obligations." Ozpin kept reading, "Next, to Ms. Goodwitch."
"I don't want anything, thank you." Glynda tried to avoid her inheritance.
"To Ms. Goodwitch who has taken care of me faithfully these many, many years. Who cared for me, made me laugh, brought me tea that was made the way she knew was my favorite."
"Oh, I didn't mind at all." Glynda said in reminiscence.
"To Ms. Goodwitch I leave…..a boot to the head." Ozpin said quickly.
"What?!" Glynda's eyes widened before-
*POW*
"Ow!"
"And one more for Weiss and the wimp!"
The couple wasn't even up at this point. They were still lying on the ground when-
*POW*
"Ow!"
*POW*
"Ow!"
"Next to my cat, Mittens, I leave my entire vast….boot to the head."
*POW*
"RAWRR!" The cat ran around the room while the others looked at it, thinking maybe Ozpin should've skipped that part.
"And lastly, to my lawyer who has helped me write out this will, I leave not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil…to be placed in his trousers!"
Do I even need so say what happened after that?
"AHHH! OOH! OOH!" Ozpin did his best to finish reading the will, "AND I LEAVE MY ENTIRE ESTATE OF TEN MILLION DOLLARS TO THE PEOPLE OF SCARLATINA SO THEY CAN AFFORD TO MOVE SOMWHERE DECENT!" The rodent jumped out of Ozpin's pants and ran out of the room. Ozpin was greatly relieved of this and calmed down with his hands on his head and his face toward the table. When he was fiished calming down, the others were all kinds of not happy.
"Is that it?" Neptune was the first to ask.
"That's it?" Russel continued.
"That's disgraceful!" Qrow complained.
"That's terrible." Neptune finished.
"There's one last thing for everyone." Ozpin said.
"…Cover your heads everybody." Qrow covered his head again.
"I leave everyone a lifetime of ice cream." Ozpin read.
"Ice cream?" Weiss asked.
"Ice cream?" Qrow uncovered his head.
"Ice cream? That's all?" Russel asked.
"That's all." Ozpin answered.
" Well at the very least, what flavor is it?" Glynda asked.
"Boot to the head." Then Ozpin threw-
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To be continued -
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Just to let everyone know, this was not my idea. This script idea is an actual script mad by a group called The Frantics. I just thought I'd write a version of it in the RWBY-verse. Hope you enjoyed it. Sorry for any grammatical errors. If you liked it, consider following that sexy name above and clicking that beautiful review button down below to let me know what you thought.
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Bonus:
The group of unlucky individuals who had received a lot of boots to the head and very large headaches. Luckily, they were able to avoid their lifetime supply of "ice cream" and were walking to their homes, bemoaning their infortune.
"Well none of us got anything out of that except major headaches." Weiss remarked.
"Says you." Qrow said, "I got a whole wine cellar and ten crates of booze. That'll set me over for years."
Russel leaned over to the couple and whispered, "Way he drinks it, it won't last him a month."
The couple nodded.