Disclaimer:

FallenAngel82495: like AliyahNight said this may be outrageosly hilarious, but unfortunately i do not own these characters. i wouldnt mind owning Edward though...(just a thought lol)

AliyahNight: Yes this might be outrageously hilarious, but sadly I do not own the characters. Just the weird ass idea about Edward talking to a Gopher.

FallenAngel & AliyahNight introduce to you lovely readers the first of many oneshots involving edward and a weird ass character of our choice we might take some ideas from the readers.

so without further adoo, edward and the gopher!

EPOV

Well. People say life is boring. They have no idea. I mean sure, I'm a vampire and all. Fell in love with a human got in a few scrapes, but after all that was over…life was pretty much the same with the exception of Bella. With that being said, life right now is kind of boring. I haven't recovered fully from the whole, leaving Bella drama and Emmett is thoroughly convinced that I've lost my mind in some places. Like yesterday, I couldn't remember how to spell the word, of.

Yeah, I know weird. And more than once I've caught myself talking to the wall. Bella has too. That was a little more than awkward. She came in my room and I was just sitting there, having a full blown conversation…with a wall. I turned around and she just said,

"Is this a bad time?" And you wanna know what I said? And trust me you are not going to believe this.

"Yeah, kinda. I'll be downstairs in a minute." She looked at me as if I lost my mind. I had no idea what I had actually said at that time until a few minutes later when I went downstairs and watched Jasper and Emmett wrestle, with the rest of the family. I looked at Bella and she looked at me and I said,

"Did I do what I think I did a few minutes ago?" She turned away and watched Jasper attack Emmett.

"Yep." The 'p' sound popped and a smile curled around her lips

"Hmmm."

"Yep." These conversations go on with basically any inanimate object and I'm always lucky enough to have someone come in and just walk away, very, very, very slowly. Today, however, Alice started laughing as she hauled a reluctant Bella to her car for a few hours of shopping. She wouldn't tell me what was going on. She just laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed. I tried prying her mind open but she kept singing It's a Small World After All and I soon gave up.

I watched her call pull away and soon Bella was laughing as well. So, I was looking forward, surprisingly, to being the ref. for their usual fights. I found out later that he and Rose went to…well, I try not to dwell on that. Esme and Carlisle went out as well. So, naturally, I was left alone for some strange, odd reason. Jasper was God knows where and my mind was slowly unraveling. This was going to be a fun experience.

I sat at my piano playing for a few minutes before heading outside. It was quiet and serene. Not even the wind stirred and this left me uneasy. I wasn't really watching where I was going before I my foot slipped into a hole.

"Crap." I pulled my foot out of the hole and kept walking, when I heard a voice call out behind me.

"Hey, wise guy! Where do you think you're going?" I turned around and saw a small gopher. Oh, for the love of Christ. "Hey, I'm talking to you! Do you have any idea what you just did?"

"No, not really." I said tiredly.

"You just stepped in my home you dipstick. Do I just come waltzing in your home messing up shit? NO!" I stared at the brown little fuzz ball and almost laughed. The thing crept closely and peered at me with beady black eyes. "Wait a minute," He said slowly. "I think I know you. You with that family. And the big one that ate my sister!" I stared at the brown fur ball and fell out laughing.

"Wait, wait a minute." I said breathlessly. "Are you talking? To me?"

"No dumbass, I'm talking to a tree trunk! Of course I'm talking to you. But then again, there really isn't a difference." And then, that was it. I couldn't stop laughing. I was having a conversation…with a gopher. Wow. This…this is really, really, really different. "What the hell is funny about any of this?"

"You're…I…oh sweet JESUS! I'm talking to a GOPHER!" I guess Mr. Fuzzball didn't like that at all because the next thing I knew, it was on my face. Despite my strength, I couldn't find any to get the creature off of me. I writhed and squirmed, trying to get it off of me. It didn't of course. The good thing was that as it tried to bite my nose off I couldn't feel anything. If I was human this would have left me scarred for life and I'd be put in the loony bin. Ha-ha, loony bin. Finally, I got the thing off of my face and ran for the house. I ran inside and realized the lights were off. Then came the laughter. I realized my clothes were torn and I was covered in dirt.

"SHUT-UP" I said and walked upstairs.

FallenAngel82495: so how was it there will be more later i promise. AliyahNight and myself hope you liked it and thought it was funny, by the way we are both very random people so if you think this is just plain out weird than you pretty much have us pegged. Promise to give us feedback they will get funnier as we go along

Over and out!