12-15-2015

The Smash viewing theater was a scene of hustle and bustle. Veteran Smashers grabbed seats in the front, while most newcomers occupied the upper tier. They crunched on popcorn, jujubes, candy and other junk and slurped down various fountain drinks, all the while animatedly discussing the upcoming presentation. Hype swam in the air like a virus, and some Smashers had their fingers crossed.

This was it, the final Nintendo Direct related to Super Smash Bros. After today, Master Hand would finally have his official roster. The Smash Ballot had closed, and today, the winner would be announced.

Inside the projection room, Master Hand sat, loading the film into the projector as his brother, Crazy Hand, checked the volume settings. Their father, Master Core, peered through a glass window at the audience crowded in front of the screen, his gaze sweeping the theater like a hawk.

"Is everything ready?" he asked, distractedly.

"Yes, Dad," replied Master. "The projector works fine."

"The SFX looks great," added Crazy. "All systems go!"

"Good," said MC. "Go ahead and settle them down, my dear Master Hand."

Master leaned into a microphone and began to speak. "Good afternoon, Smashers. May I have your attention please?"

Quiet descended on the theater.

"Thank you for taking the time to attend this special presentation. As you know, Nintendo Direct has a very special announcement regarding our official roster. I've heard that two new fighters will round out our cast, one of them the result of the Smash Fighter Ballot.

"The ideas for this ballot have been quite unique. Some of them absurd. And I know some of you who were rooting for some of these choices to make the final cut. But whoever gets accepted will receive a warm welcome into this tournament, no questions asked. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Master Hand."

"Please make sure to silence all cell phones and electronic devices. Locate the nearest exit, so that you may evacuate through it in the case of an emergency. Talking, horseplay and all forms of saltiness will not be tolerated. If you must leave while the presentation is in progress, please do so quietly. Photographing or recording this presentation is strictly prohibited under copyright law. All violators will be inevitably punished. Now, without further ado, I present you the final two characters in Super Smash Brothers!"

As Crazy dimmed the lights, MC floated to Master. "You ready?" he asked.

"Always," replied Master.

"How about you, dear Crazy? You ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess," said Crazy.

Master's index finger hovered over the projector switch. "I don't know how he's going to take this," he fretted.

"Neither of us do," said MC, "but like all things in life, you just have to strap yourself in and hope for the best. Isn't that right, my dear Crazy Hand?"

"BRO! JUST DO IT!" hollered Crazy.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'," muttered MC.

Master took a deep breath and flicked the switch to ON. Crazy turned the lights all the way down. As the screen came to life, the three heads of the Smash tournament narrowed their focus to just one member of the audience. The one sitting in the front, between a familiar red-clad plumber and the lovely, peachy princess. The one with so much hope and eagerness brightening his angular, handsome face. The one who, in just a few minutes, was about to have all of that hope violently torn from him.

The one, the only, mustachioed man in green.

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First up was a completely unexpected character from a familiar universe. It was none other than Corrin, from Fire Emblem. As soon as he and his female counterpart, Corrine, were announced, Marth, Roy, Lucina and the Robin twins went wild, cheering, hooting, clapping each other on the back, hugging and kissing each other and tossing popcorn into the air. Normally, this would've won them a one-way ticket out of the theater, but the commotion was the least of Master Hand's worries. He, his brother and their father were riveted on that lovable ghost-hunter, white-gloved hand clasping his brother, impatience beginning to color his visage. Today was going to be the best day of his life, when all of the pieces finally fell into place, but little did he know—oh, little did he know.

Ever the crafty one, Master Hand elected to draw out the suspense, keeping his Smashers guessing till the very end. Once Corrin's trailer was finished, he announced an intermission. Some took advantage of this to stretch their legs and use the restroom. The three final bosses, however, took the time to brace themselves for a wild hurricane wearing an "L" on his head. He was reclined in his seat, tapping the armrest until his big bro placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him. Then, the Princess said something to him, and he rose, stepping out of the theater with his hands in his pockets, smiling and saying hello to people as he passed. The theater had a small room with arcade games and Sandbags, reserved for such a situation, and Master was extremely glad for that room right now.

Sure enough, the faint sounds of pop music and flurries of blows on a Sandbag reached the projection room. MC lowered his head and said a short prayer.

Crazy looked at him. "I thought you were atheist," he said.

"Just covering all the bases," replied MC.

"I agree with him. She would've been a lovely addition to Smash, with her tomboy spirit. She would've taken good care of him and her friends," said Master Hand.

"And I would've loved to hear her say, 'Hi, I'm Daisy!'," added Crazy. "How fun!"

"If he finds out that we knew well in advance, then he's going to kill us—again," sighed Master. "I'm still aching from the last time."

"Me, too," said MC. "These old bones can't take boss battles like they used to."

"Me, three," added Crazy.

"Best not anticipate the worst too soon," counseled MC. "The chances of him finding out that we knew are highly unlikely."

"Hope so," muttered Crazy. "I don't want to go through that again!"

"Don't be a baby," grumbled Master. "It wasn't that bad, considering."

"We kind of deserved it, too," intoned MC. "We were so ensnared in the lives of better-known Smashers that we gave his case the benefit of the doubt. Now let's not talk about it anymore, shall we? It's in the past now, and all we can do is at least help him through this."

"Amen," said Master.

Then, he signaled the ten-minute warning, and the fighters slowly streamed back into the theater. The Fire Emblem cast was all smiles, each carrying a nice-sized ice-cream cone. The remaining Kirby representatives sauntered in, Kirby himself loaded with enough goodies to survive an apocalypse, wondering if Magolor, Marx or Bandana Dee would make the cut. Link, Toon Link and Zelda were anticipating Young Link's return. Fox was rooting for his beloved, Krystal, or his rival, Wolf, to be the last fighter. Falco shared these sentiments, but he also hoped for Peppy and even Slippy, so the whole Star Fox team would fight together. Pikachu had his heart set on his pre-evolved form, Pichu, who'd been a powerhouse and his confidante during Melee. Samus bristled at the thought of Ridley being invited—she'd have an excuse to do God-knows-what to that monster—but he was just too big. Ness missed his old friends, the Ice Climbers, and hoped that they'd make it. DK hoped that King K. Rool would not win the ballot. More Smashers sauntered back inside, hopefuls for the likes of Shovel Knight, Shantae and even this ogre who was never in a video game. There were a few who wanted this Goku person in Smash. Master had no idea who Goku was. Rayman, Banjo and Kazookie, Cory—some of these candidates were ridiculous choices. There were even calls for Paper Mario. Weren't two Marios enough? Jeff, Ninten, Paula—okay, those were good choices. But luckily, the winner wouldn't be those other outlandish choices.

The five-minute warning was sounded.

That was when the pounding noises finally stopped. The theater was nearly full. Then, the door swung open, and in stepped Mario, Nintendo's poster boy, and his Princess, Peach, whose life revolved around getting kidnapped until she could finally get even with said kidnapper in these tournaments.

Last one to walk in—was him.

He was noticeably—calmer. Less restless. Less nervous. He was breathing heavily, his cap at a jaunty angle, some of his hair flattened against his forehead. His green shirt was darkened in a few places, and a sweat towel was draped round his neck. Sitting down in his spot, he wiped his face and neck, took off his hat, combed his fingers through his hair. He placed the cap back on his head, freshened himself up with some cologne and leaned back in his chair, hands folded in his lap. Hope continued to encircle him like a halo.

But not for long.

Finally, the lights went back down, Master welcomed everyone back and flicked the projector back on.

"Smashers—I give you the winner of the Smash Ballot!" he announced.

The screen showed Pit fighting off some enemies and knocking them off the Battlefield. He boasted over his prowess. Then, Palutena warmed him not to get too cocky—another enemy was approaching.

"Another angel? I must've missed one," purred a woman's voice.

And then, there she was, clad in a striking, skintight uniform, brandishing her pistols.

The Umbra witch herself.

Bayonetta.

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Master, Crazy and MC did not pay attention to the rest of the trailer. All they saw was him, the hope on his face slowly draining, dying. His grip on Mario's hand slackened. His mouth fell open in disbelief. He slumped in his seat as it hit him that the woman he loved wasn't going to be in Smash after all. Pit and Pittoo were shrieking their heads off about an angel hunter joining Smash, but the trio shut them out. He didn't even move a muscle once the trailer was finished—he just stared at the screen and his eyes were as blank as it. Only one word came to Master's mind—numbness.

"All right, Smashers," he said into the mike. "Let's give a warm round of applause for our Smash Ballot winner, Bayonetta!"

On those words, the green-clad one seemed to return to life, politely applauding the new addition. He wasn't fuming or crying. Once the applause settled down, Master dismissed everyone, and they exited the theater in various moods, Pit and Pittoo looking like their lives were over as Palutena attempted to comfort them.

Slowly, Crazy exhaled the breath he'd obviously held the entire time. MC muttered something about cleaning the stages and departed. And Master floated there, watching as his Smasher of the Month chatted with Peach and Mario.

"What do you say we get a banquet ready for them?" he was saying to Peach.

She said something in agreement, and Mario made an affirmative comment that Master couldn't make out. Hand in hand, they walked out of the theater. Master knew exactly what the plumber in green was doing.

He was distracting himself, keeping himself busy so it wouldn't get to him. Yet eventually, it would.

Master floated away from the window and sat next to the projector.

"I'm so sorry, Luigi," he whispered. "I'm so, so sorry."

Note: I apologize if I offended any atheists.

And so begins my first story of 2016! Please read and review.