It was an innocent-enough question but it made her blood boil. Through the pulsing waves of music and the alcohol swimming her vision, Eden Ryder was almost certain she had misheard her Asari companion.
"What was that?" Eden asked, perhaps a bit louder than she had intended but the bass thumping around her made it difficult to gauge the volume of her voice. Peebee grinned, crooked and cocksure, and lifted her bottle of booze to her lips, downing the rest of it with a deep gulp.
"I said Jaal is a pretty good guy. Do you think our genetic material is compatible?" Peebee waved her hands. "I just mean like...theoretically, you know? Asari can mate with Milky Way species, I wonder if Angaran would be any different. I might ask him to try, you know, for science!"
Eden flushed. She blamed the alcohol and the heat of all the bodies packed into Vortex this time of night. She took a slow breath and tried to categorize her thoughts in a way that the alcohol did not entirely allow.
"Why does it have to be Jaal?"
"I don't know of many other accessible Angarans around, do you?" Peebee laughed and tapped the lip of her bottle. "Well, it's not like I'm looking to settle down right now anyway. There's still so much to do, I wouldn't be able to deal with a kid. But I can't help but wonder, you know?"
Eden didn't know. The thought sobered her faster than a bucket of ice water tossed over her head. She had never thought about having children with Jaal, mostly because of the obvious difference in DNA. They were more than anatomically compatible—though, Eden did her best to keep that knowledge from her crew, even when Jaal had looked so hurt when she expressed her desire for secrecy. She almost caved in and let him shout their relationship through the halls, but he eventually understood the taboos of sleeping with the boss and agreed to be discreet until she was ready. However, after hearing Peebee's musings, Eden regretted trying to keep it under wraps at all.
Eden stood from her seat and numbly transferred credits for her drinks. Peebee furrowed her brow and frowned.
"Hey, you okay?"
"I'm fine," Eden said and forced a smile. "I just remembered I have to go pick something up before the shops close."
"Yeah, alright. See you later," Peebee didn't look convinced, but Eden thought she'd understand not wanting to be questioned.
Eden waved goodbye and pushed through the crowded dance floor, out to the Nexus. Everyone would be enjoying their shore leave, as she should be, but that meant the Tempest would be empty...and she needed to be alone.
Jaal came from a large family. It'd only be natural for him to start one of his own, especially once the Kett situation was dealt with. He was used to a certain lifestyle that Eden knew she couldn't contribute to. Then, there was the matter of her own people. Jill, Gil's friend that Eden remembered meeting on Eos, had been brought to Andromeda specifically to assist with fertility and helping the settlers procreate. By choosing Jaal, was she turning her back on helping repopulate her own species? Wasn't it her duty to help her kind thrive in this new world?
Eden stumbled into her cabin and collapsed into bed. She clutched a pillow close to her chest and buried her face into the soft cotton pillowcase. Jaal's scent enveloped her, still radiating off the fabric from the night he had spent with her before. It was soft, floral, and it broke her heart.
Maybe Peebee was a better fit for him. Jaal had gotten along with her long before he and Eden had started becoming close. Peebee made him laugh in ways Eden didn't—loud, free and clear. They had even flirted with each other on Veold during a long trip in the Nomad. At the time, it had made Eden's heart swell to see the species of two distant galaxies getting along so well. Now, her chest ached and her heart sank into her stomach.
She tried to think of them together and tears pricked at her eyelids. She imagined them, years down the line, with a dozen of Asari children. She knew Jaal would love them whether they looked Angaran or not, he would just be delighted to have them. He deserved a large family, just like the one he had grown up with. A large family that he would never have with a human.
When he realized that, he'd leave her. Then, she really would have lost everything.
"Pathfinder, Jaal has returned to the Tempest. He is looking for you," SAM toned in her mind.
"Great," Eden hissed and rubbed at her eyes. She sat up and returned the tear-marked pillow to the bed, making sure the wet spots were hidden. She took her hair out of her ponytail and a curtain of black cascaded down over her shoulders. Hopefully, it would look like she had just been sleeping. The lock beeped and the hydraulics hissed as the door slid open, welcoming her Angaran lover as they had so many times before.
Jaal was beaming—radiating happiness—and Eden felt her chest tighten. He stepped into her room, his rofjin flapped when the door sealed behind him, and with a few long strides he was at her side. He took her hands in his, his mouth forming a word as his eyes took in her face...and his countenance fell.
"What's happened?" He asked, tightening his hold on her smaller human hands. Eden inwardly cursed and shook her head, forcing a smile and squeezing his hands in return.
"Nothing. I'm just tired," she assured him.
"Then, I'll lay with you," Jaal offered.
"You don't have to do that. It's not every day we have time to just enjoy ourselves, so you should go have fun."
"Nothing in the universe would give me more joy than to hold you while you sleep," Jaal smiled, his eyes soft. Eden was pulled into his oceanic gaze, lost in the waves of blue that harbored so much raw affection for her. She knew he was telling the truth and it killed her.
Eden saw the moment that the love in his eyes morphed into concern before the heat of her tears streamed down her cheeks. She yanked away from him and covered her face with her hands but the tightness in her chest coiled and snapped, wrenching a sob from her throat before she could think to stop it. Jaal's arms were around her in an instant. He sat on the bed and pulled her against his chest, his embrace a strong and comforting weight around her.
Her fingers clutched his rofjin and she allowed herself to be swallowed by his warmth. Shame swept through her, embarrassment followed, and Eden knew her father would be disappointed at her lack of control if he could see her now. But she was only human.
Only human...and that was the problem from the start, wasn't it?
Eventually, the tears ceased and she chanced a glance at Jaal's face. He was distressed, eyes glistening as he watched her. He looked at a loss, pained, as though he felt her sorrow in his own heart.
"I'm sorry," Eden whispered, hoarse. Jaal's arms tightened around her and he shook his head. His lips pressed against the crown of her head and lingered.
"What troubles you, Darling One? What can I do?" His words were strained and Eden felt guilt settle like ice in her stomach. Jaal wouldn't settle for an excuse—even if she insisted, he would wring the truth from her one way or another. She sniffled and closed her eyes, focused on the thump of his heart and the electrical buzz that radiated from his skin and made the hairs on her arms stand on end.
"We'll never have children," she said at last. She bit her lip at Jaal's silence and refused to meet his eyes. "I knew that since the beginning but after tonight...I don't know. It hit me hard that your family is so large and I'll never be able to give you something remotely close."
"There are other ways," he offered—half-heartedly, at best. Eden shook her head.
"Is that really the same?" Silence. "I got so caught up in this—in you—that I never stopped to think about the possibility of children. I never considered what an important part of your life that your family was and how you would want to help it grow. But doing that with me is impossible...I think you'd be better off if—"
"Enough!" Jaal's voice was firm, almost commanding. "Don't finish that sentence. Don't even think it."
Eden pursed her lips as tears threatened to spill over her lashes again.
"What happened?" Jaal asked, softer. His hands slid from her back to frame her face. "Why are you suddenly burdening yourself with this?"
"Peebee...mentioned the possibility of having your children. She was curious if Asari could use Angaran DNA to procreate."
"And you fear the answer?"
Eden paused. "I guess I do."
Jaal nodded.
"There was a time when I wondered the same thing— more from a scientific perspective than a romantic one. She certainly fascinated me...but that was it." He kissed her, soft and chaste, a soothing brush of lips to have her relax against his chest. "I realize a large family may be an impossibility. Biological children are just as impossible. But I don't doubt that if a family is what you desire as well, we will find a way to make it happen."
"You really believe that?" Eden asked, though she feared the answer to that question just as much.
"I do. The pain you believe I must feel at the possibility of being childless pales in comparison to the pain I'd feel without you by my side. My heart lies with yours."
Eden's throat felt thick again. She was sure she hadn't cried so much since she was a teenager, but Jaal always knew just what to say to rip the emotions out of her. He didn't frown at her tears, nor judge her less for them. He kissed her face and combed his fingers through her dark hair until the static tickled her skin and she giggled.
"I love you, Jaal."
"As I love you," he affirmed, then a playful grin spread across his face.
"What is it?"
"I was just thinking," Jaal mused, "that even if we cannot conceive a child, there's no harm in...practicing?"
Eden blushed—and this time, the tears in her eyes were from laughter. They laughed together, arms wrapped around each other, until their lips connected and they tumbled down onto the mattress.
They'd need a lot of practice, Eden thought. But, luckily, Jaal was a perfectionist.