"I don't remember that," Toni tilts his head back to look up at Chris. His expression is so sad and slightly worried.
"You weren't there," I sound harsher than I mean to, but he looks miserable and I feel like I have to make it better.
"Oh," he says quietly and hangs his head to stare at the cracked pavement.
It's disconcerting. All of it. If this had been before the accident he would have replied with some witty remark. But now, with his post-traumatic-stress disorder…
I used to think Toni was childish. He was selfish and didn't care when others got into trouble because he never did, but he was also charming.
That's changed though, now he is childlike. He doesn't understand things anymore and has trouble doing anything. Now he can't even hold a fucking pen
He is getting better isn't he? He has to be. Everything always changes. And he has been getting better… Things don't stay the same, even if we want them too.
I remember that, it's what happened with my mum. The thing I remember clearest about her was one time she was plaiting my hair and asking me all about my day.
And then he left. She was gone. And I just thought she'd gone away for a day….or two…..okay, a week? And then I realized she wasn't coming back, and I spent the next week crying myself to sleep each night. I wanted it to have never changed…. And I wished so hard that nothing had…but wishing doesn't help.
How has it ended up like this? I feel like we're all falling apart. Michelle hasn't been to visit Tony in too long. Cid seems to be distracted, maybe given up. But he cared so much at the beginning. I think Tony really needs him. More than either of them know. Chris has always been a bit odd. He's always on drugs; he's got his own problems. And I… I can't do it. I'm too grumpy.
I think Maxxie's really helping. He's so caring…. I wonder if that's got something to do with being gay?... But then again he's always been sweet. Though he's always been gay too… I suppose if he wasn't gay he wouldn't be him.
I just…..I don't know what I'll do, any of us will do, if he doesn't. None of us can wait forever. Especially the way things are going now…