When writing four in the morning the strangest ideas just pop into one's mind...however, this fic contains the Nordic five plus Russia and little Sealand. Somehow Finland got a big part at the end...I don't know why it ended up like that...it just...did...anyway...
Warnings: Crackish plot, randomness, unnecessary violence, Russia portrayed as some kind of creepy pedophile, strong language, strong hints of sexual relationships and probably something more so it's strongly suggested that readers aren't too sensitive...
Do not own anything. And please, this fic is for entertainment purpose only, it's not historical accurate or anything, and I don't hate Russia, it was just too easy making him the bad guy...I'm so sorry! But it was fun-
"Hey, Sverige! I need you to take a look at this…" Denmark shouted in the rude manners only the Dane possessed. He quickly closed the gap between them in a second, before poor Sweden could react.
"Eh… n'…" the unfortunate Swede tried before Denmark pressed him down into a chair.
"It will only take a second!" the Dane assured as he took a step back. He gave Sweden a curious glare before he tore his long cloak apart and revealed… yeah… well… his own naked body. Sweden let his gaze catch the beauty of the Dane's total nudeness for a second before he, out of shame for his not so bright friend, covered his face.
"OMG!" a small voice said behind the Swede. Out of curiosity the Swede turned around and faced no one less than his own son that was half way inside the room and his beautiful wife. They had just returned home after a short trip to the supermarket. The Dane also looked up, and when he saw Sealand's intense stare he had the decency to cover up. Quickly.
"Ehm…" Denmark said before he was rudely interrupted by Finland.
"And WHAT do you think you are doing, you piece of shit!" Finland screamed on top of his lungs and slammed the door shut behind him. "There are CHILDREN around here, you shithead!"
"Ehm…" the Dane tried again, but failed because of a raging screech slamming up the door right behind Finland and Sealand, leaving them both with very shocked faces.
"You pile of shit! I HATE you!" the in storming Norwegian screamed, completely furious. He more than quickly got over to the Dane and raised one hand. With that one hand, in one big *SMACK*, he totally smacked the Dane to the floor with an impressive strength.
"WTF is WRONG with you!" he yelled as he stepped over the floored giant.
"It's not a big deal, his was small, I mean have you seen dad's…?" Sealand said completely innocent pointing at Sweden, who slowly realized that the boy was talking about him.
"O', sh't" the Swede said as Finland gasped and Denmark raised a mildly surprised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well no one cares, kid…" Denmark muttered, but didn't dare to get up from the floor, scared to death by a pissed off Norway.
"Uh-uh!" Sealand opposed innocently. "Mom would care! I heard him say that last night, when they lay in bed, making all those weird noises they always…" In less than half a second Finland grabbed the boy to shut him up.
"No, no, please shut up before you say something stupid!" Finland shouted as Norway dropped his chin and Denmark smiled devilishly on the floor.
"But it's true!" the boy squirmed his way out of Finland's arms. "Just last night I heard you say 'oh, I love that you're so big…'" Finland snapped in his motions, catching the boy again, trying to cover his mouth.
"Ok, you need to learn that there are subjects you just don't talk about, and there are subjects that just don't leave one's mouth…"
"Last night I heard you say that your mouth wouldn't leave dad's…"
"OMFG!" Finland got his grip around Sealand. "SHUT UP!"
"You want me to shut up?" Sealand said quite rebellious.
"Oh, God! Yes, yes, yes! Shut up!" Finland screamed.
"See! I was right! It's that kind of noises you usually do in your bedroom at nights…"
"OMG you really WANT me to HIT you!" Finlande screamed, completely furious.
"Daaaad…" Sealand whined as steam came out of Finland's nose and ears.
"SVERIGE!" Finland said sharply in a voice filled with anger.
"I… dunno…"
Meanwhile Norway hadn't been listening at all, because he tried to prevent his hand from swell up from the over-human bitch-slap he had given Denmark just a minute ago. He left the room muttering random curses.
"You piece of shit. I never want to see you again. "…"
"Well, it looks like Norway is pretty pissed off at you… " Sweden stated matter-of-factly.
"What do you mean? It's now the fun begins… everybody loves a challenge!" Denmark smirked as he started to run off after Norway.
"Ooooh, Noooorwaaaay! My little sweetheart! Don't run away from me! I will…" his voice echoed in the room before tuning of.
"I'm an independent country, I can manage on my own!" the small boy yelled at Finland.
"No, you're not, trust me! You have tons to learn!"
"Yes I am! You have no control over me and I will…" the boy said, turned around and started to run. He didn't manage to get so far though, because his way was blocked by a creepy, tall man.
"Well, hello Sealand…" Russia stated with a growing smirk on his face. Finland couldn't help the little squeal of fear that slipped out of him.
"RUSSIA! AH HAH HAH!" he laughed stiffly to cover up the shivers running through his body.
"Oh, but how nice, both mother and son. I think it's my lucky day!" he sung quite happily Russia-style. To that statement Finland gave up the girliest squeal known to history of man-kind.
"Come here Sealand, I got some candy for you…" Russia started to unbutton his long coat.
"Reaaallyyy!" Sealand squealed with stars in his eyes completely ignoring the fainted Finn on the floor.
"Yeah" he answered shortly.
"Ey, c't 't out" Sweden said just to put an end to it and got up from the couch. "H's m' k'd" he continued simply.
The room suddenly became very, very cold.
"Are you going to stop me, Sweden? Because I will…" Russia begun before being brutally interrupted by Sweden.
"N'" he stated clearly.
"Oh" Russia sounded as if it made sense. "May I ask why not?"
"N' m'l't'ry, no w'r, n' f'ght" he said simply.
"Oh" Russia suddenly felt slightly embarrassed. "Oh".
If the room was cold before it was nothing compared to now. One could literally feel the thickness of the air between them.
"Well you sure know how to make things awkward, Sweden" Russia stated in his normally cold slightly creepy voice.
"T'ck"
"…"
"…"
They started an epic stare battle. Russia gave one of his normal freaking looks and Sweden answered mercilessly with a dark glare. Russia deepened his creepiness and cocked a brow. Sweden remained stone-faced. It was clearly that none of them were going to give up any time soon.
Russia, clearly affected by the Swede's stone-face, started to send visible waves of uncomfortable stare at the Swede. Sweden remained stone-faced. The reason to the stone-face is because the Swede's face-muscles had frozen into that stone-cold expression the last record-cold winter.
When the Swede didn't visibly be affected at all, Russia became a bit insecure. Still the mighty warrior as he is, he didn't want to give up just yet.
By now the room was so cold that the Finn woke up from his unconsciousness on the floor. Looking around slightly confused as the thought of that the Swede had left him sleeping in the refrigerator (again) went through his mind, but when he raised his head he realized why he had fainted.
"Fuck you Russia" he spitted out and got up. Not willing to lose the stare contest the Russian completely ignored the Finn.
"Wheeeere's my candy!" Sealand yelled and hit Russia in the nuts with a clean shot, making the man lose the contest when he bent down in pain.
"Dear Sealand, you just hit the spot where I keep my candy. Now, if you caress gently and not violently…" he managed to say as the little boy reached out his hands for Russia's crotch with stars in his eyes again, before the Finn in an over-humanly fast movement grabbed the boy's pants and pulled him back.
"You do NOT molest my…eh…our…ehm…Sweden's son in front of me! Get out of here you perverted sick old man!" Finland growled in the scariest voice he could manage, which was really scary as he suddenly won the stare-contest by out-classing Sweden's stone-face.
"But Finland. Such hard words will lead nowhere. Become one with me once again, I know you want to" Russia said with a smile and offered his hand to the smaller nation. For a second Finland seemed enchanted by the man's words but came back to the reality when Hanatamago decided to jump up and bite his ass.
"HAH!" Finland shouted and placed himself behind Sweden while pointing at Russia from between the Swede's arm and waist. " No you can't! I have Sweden! You can never get me again!" he almost sang extremely violently and gave up an evil glare.
"Y's h' c'n" Sweden stated shortly.
"Huh?" Finland wondered if the man was stupid to the max or what of course he could protect…
"N' m'l't'ry, n' w'r, n' f'ght"
"…"
"…"
"Oooh, no military, no war, no fight? Well that explains it" Finland said ironically.
"Y'ah" Sweden answered not aware of the Finn's ironic voice.
"…"
"…"
"So why the fuck did I marry you again…? I mean, if you can't even protect me…?"
"Oh… s'rry"
The cold silence was thicker than ever as the Finn glared angrily at the Swede. The Swede started to somewhat notice the cold atmosphere in the room but thought that it might be an open window somewhere and did not bother to think more about that. Finland stared at the Swede as angrily as he could without realizing that the Swede didn't notice it at all.
"Kolkolkolkol" Russia laughed and spread an unpleasant feeling through the Finn and poor Sealand, while the Swede didn't even notice.
"…" Finland answered.
"SVERIGE!" Norway stormed in through the door and slammed it shut behind him obviously hitting the man that was fallowing him in the face as a low "thump" was heard from the other side.
"Your fucking loud neighbor won't fucking leave me alone for a second! Just now he tried to fucking rape me! At my own house! Can you believe that!"
"W'll… y' d'd m'rry h'm" Sweden stated not really caring since Norway came over almost every day to complain on the loud and over-confident Dane who was now lying outside the door probably fainted. "'n' y' d' l've t'geth'r".
"It doesn't matter that I "married" him! He's a stupid ass!" Norway roared making the Swede's hair stand in a ridiculous way. "Besides…" Norway said in a calmer and rather suggestive tone. "I would love if you dumped that bitch *pointing at Finland* and get back together with me, in that way I may get rid of Denmark forever!" he said cheerfully and totally ignoring the Finn's growing furious face.
"No! ! Noway! Don't you dare make a pass at my completely defenseless husband you piece of shit! Besides, don't you have Iceland, Norway?" Finland burst out at the man.
Looking like he suddenly had realized something Norway stared at the Finn with the widest blue eyes.
"Shiiiiiiiiiiiit…" Norway hissed in a low tone. "OMG! SVERIGE! I accidentally left Iceland in the fridge!"
"'xc'se m' wh't?"
"In the fridge! That's why I came over here in the first place! But then I saw stupid Danmark revealing himself! AH! Sverige! You need to come with me immediately!" The Norwegian was a lot stronger than Sweden ever had thought as the man easily carried him on the shoulder out through the door leaving the rest in complete confusion.
"…Ooookaaay…" Finland mumbled as he felt a shadow fall over him.
"Kolkolkol, my dear Finland." Russia stated normally enough to send a freezing shiver through the Finn.
"AHAHahaahaAHAH!" the odd squeaky noise came from a scared to death Finland. When he felt a large hand on his shoulder all the color literally ran of his face.
"We shall become one again! (and you'll help me to convince Toris to marry me without any violence)" the last part wasn't audible, but shown in Russia's star-shiny eyes.
Feeling violated just from Russia's stare, the Finn suddenly felt something tug on his shirt.
"Mom, why can't I have any candy from uncle Russia?" Sealand asked innocently as he stood on his toes to make sure that the Finn was aware of his cutest puppy-eyes look. Hearing the words "uncle" and "Russia" in the same sentence by Sealand in such an innocent voice cut a small hole in the Finn's heart. The Finn unfroze enough to form audible words.
"You can have some salmiakki from me if you just leave the room and don't come back" Finland tried to trick the boy into leaving the room without anything (Russia) hurting him.
"Whaaaa—but I hate…!" Sealand managed to say before Finland cut him off in a very rude voice.
"Ok, fine, I'll make you eat only salmiakki for four weeks if you don't leave and don't come back until I or your father say it's okay to!" Finland sneered.
Sealand looked at the man very skeptically.
"Remember what happened that time when you refused to clean your room and I threatened to not let you play with Latvia for three weeks?" Finland said coldly making the boy look like a deer caught in front of a car. The threat worked effectively enough as the boy left the room faster than Norway could find something about the Dane to complain about.
"Finland...why did you do that? I was soooo close getting laid tonight!"
Finland punched him merciless in the stomach.
"He's twelve you child molester!"
"Aw! You say it like it's a bad thing!"
Finland punched Russia in the stomach once again. He completely deserved it.
Norway kicked the door open once again this time fallowed by a deep frozen Iceland.
"Russia!" he yelled with all his might making it ring in all the close standing men's ears. "You are good at beating up annoying countries, right?"
"No, I'm good at crushing them" he said with a gentle smile on his face.
"Perfect! I know a way to trick Torris into marrying you, all you have to do is to crush Danmark!"
Russia was out the door before Norway could finish his sentence. Norway smiled at Finland and then left the house with Iceland on his tail.
Finland sat down on the couch sighing loudly. "Sealand!" he screamed mostly because he got bored. The boy entered the room with an innocent look on his face.
"Yes?"
"Don't you ever dare accepting any piece of candy from Russia, because if you do you'll be stuck marrying him, and you don't want to turn out like Norway and be forced into a marriage and then all you do is complaining about it." Finland said in a cold voice making it clearer than ever to the boy that it will be really bad if the boy doesn't obey him.
"Okay, but if you and dad is going to have sex tonight, can I stay over at Latvia's? It's weird hearing you going at it all night like you were rabbits…"
"Who told you…?" Finland started in an attempt to make clear who told Sealand that he and Sweden had sex every night.
"Dad did!"
"Of course he did, stupid Sverige and his open-minded sex-education. Go on, stay over at Latvia's tonight and leave me and your father alone to do as we please."
"Yay!" and Sealand was in Latvia's bed before Finland could tell him to leave quickly. The Swede stepped in through the door and he looked like he had been attacked.
"Where have you been?" Finland muttered quite hatefully.
"I g't m'l'sted b' D'nm'rk…" he said quietly.
"Yeah well, shit happens and who gives a damn? Now you'll be molested by me and it's nothing you can do about it"
"B't b't b't…I'm n't 'n th' mood…"
"So? You're not the one in charge so shut up and do me good" Finland snorted and dragged the Swede up the stairs.
Oh...you saw that comming, didn't you? I have nothing to say in my defense...except...Finland is exactly like that when its just the two of them left... heh heh heh heh heh
(What did just happen? Dunno...awesome? Yes. No. Whatever.)
Sorry for stupid mistakes, those tend to sneak in everywhere...sneaky bastards... :D