Author: J.J.
Warning: It's BASED ON THE MANGA. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), mentions of a suicide attempt, probably some OOC, a bit of sappiness, some spoilers...
Notes: Just my explanation about why I think Touda can't stand Tatsumi.
Disclaimer:
"Yami no Matsuei" belong to Matsushita Yoko. I'm merely using her characters because I love them... especially Touda, Tsuzuki and Hisoka...
Ehy, do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Haavruuva for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: 1945-46. It's really hard to find out what's better for Tsuzuki...
GenSoKai - 1945
Touda inhaled the air slowly, almost savouring every tiny difference that he could find between the air he could breathe here and the one he had to breathe when he was in his prison inside Tenku-Kyuu and that was impressed indelibly in his memory. The sun was warm and a soft breeze was blowing between the trees, messing his hair in an annoying manner. It was ruffling Tsuzuki's hair as well as his, but his master's mood seemed unaffected by it. Tsuzuki had never cared much about his appearance. His clothes were often rumpled, with lingering remains of sugar powder or little bits of a recently eaten sweet, sometimes both. His black coat was old and overused. His jacket was often open, his tie loosened with one or two of the last of his shirt's buttons unlatched. Touda didn't mind Tsuzuki's casual attire if Tsuzuki was comfortable in it.
He stared at the man, studying him carefully, taking note of each tiny detail.
He knew things had started to go downhill after Enma had broken Tsuzuki's partnership with Tsuzuki's first partner, the one Tsuzuki still called 'Natsume Sempai'.(1) Touda hadn't been particularly fond of the man, but he had understood he was good to Tsuzuki and that had been enough for him. Tsuzuki, who had grown used to depend on the man a lot, had felt lost without him.
He didn't tell, of course. Tsuzuki Asato would never dream to do something that could make him look like a burden or that could make others feel guilty so he didn't tell he was miserable without the man around. Their almost twenty years old partnership had been broken due to Enma's request and Tsuzuki hadn't complained at all, he had merely tried to take it well.
Too bad he had failed.
That in itself wouldn't have been that bad. After all the man was still in Enma-cho and, even if he wasn't Tsuzuki's partner anymore, it wasn't like he was dead either but, of course, there had to be some extra problems.
Tsuzuki's second partner had been a girl who came in Enma-cho some years after Tsuzuki.
Somehow Tsuzuki had adored her. To have around Kuroyuri Reiko was, for Tsuzuki, like having again his sister around.(2)
Well, Tsuzuki had admitted once she was pretty different from Ruka in so many little and not so little things but in some others she was exactly the same and Tsuzuki had tried to make the best of it.
Kuroyuri Reiko, or as Tsuzuki called her, Rei-chan, was fond of Tsuzuki as well. It could have been a good partnership hadn't it been for a tiny little detail.
It was never a good idea to partner two suicidal beings who suffered of chronic depression on a monthly basis.
After the... 'incident', as everyone who knew about it called it, their partnership had been hurriedly broken in order to protect them both from themselves.
Of course Tsuzuki had to feel fully responsible for it, forgetting completely that the girl had her share of responsibility in what had happened too.
And this brought Tsuzuki to his last partner, Tatsumi Seiichiro, who was basically a rookie. The man was physically older than Tsuzuki by three years but technically much younger by birth, even if definitively more mature and someone in JuOhCho trained him to be a Kageshi and with rather good results.(3)
A Kageshi...
Shikigami never looked upon Kageshi favourably.
Touda wasn't an exception.
Kageshi couldn't have Shikigami. They gave up their chances to become Shikigami's masters in order to learn to control shadows. No respectable Shikigami would like a being who considered him second best to a shadow. It didn't help that the Kageshi's Sensei had stuck in him the idiotic idea that Shikigami were some sort of Shinigami's pets.
However Tsuzuki's Shiki had tried to be friendly with him when the man had came in GenSoKai with Tsuzuki. Tatsumi Seiichiro might be a Kageshi, but he was also Tsuzuki's partner so they all, SoRyu and Suzaku included, were going to be nice with him. More or less.
Touda hadn't liked the man (but considering that Touda liked no one besides Tsuzuki that hadn't come as a big surprise) and had judged the partnership doomed at first glance and, according to him, for good reasons.
The Kageshi was the exact opposite of Tsuzuki. Calm and collected, ordered and precise, serious and duty devoted as only Water Shikigami should be and with a streak for dominance.
Touda couldn't stand to the idea of the man ordering Tsuzuki around. The Kageshi's orders might have sense but that didn't change the fact that no one, in Touda's opinion, had the right to impose his wishes over Tsuzuki.
Freedom was one of the things Touda valued the most.
The Kageshi had no right to take it away from Tsuzuki.
Tsuzuki had told Touda many times to not worry about it, that everything was fine, that Tatsumi was right and that he was a good partner also. Touda had never discussed Tsuzuki's words even if he had always frowned upon them. Maybe the Kageshi could be right in ordering Tsuzuki around and maybe he was being a good partner, but Touda hadn't missed the fact the Kageshi's presence made Tsuzuki tense.
Tsuzuki wasn't strong enough to handle things on his own yet and he was too emotional toward his work. Way too emotional. He couldn't be the Kageshi's Sempai; he couldn't act mature and collected when he was desperately fighting to keep his own sanity. The worst part was that Tsuzuki knew how psychologically weak he was and absolutely didn't want to bug the Kageshi with his own problems. Not that Tsuzuki's wishes were going to help much.
In those nineteen years in which he had worked as a Shinigami he had learned to keep a control on his internal frailness but that control was so easily shattered Touda had no idea for how long Tsuzuki could keep up that fa?de of normalcy.
Tsuzuki just wasn't made to face death. It made him immediately sick and, even if he tried to hold on, he didn't have a long resistance.
The Kageshi was a young Shinigami. He had probably his own problems to nurse since he had become a Shinigami. Touda knew that no sane being could become a Shinigami; Shinigami were all dead ningen with some deep psychological mess bugging them and chaining them to ChiJou.
Touda doubted that the Kageshi wanted to take care of Tsuzuki's problems as well. He wasn't even sure if he could.
However, even if the Kageshi was going to be not useful at all to Tsuzuki, he didn't look suicidal so Enma wouldn't have any excuse to break his partnership with Tsuzuki.
To have someone around gave Tsuzuki some balance, the pretence he wasn't alone in the world. Tsuzuki coped with loneliness even worst than with death.
Touda had realized he had been too optimist when he had seen Tsuzuki back in GenSoKai.
Tsuzuki had been alone. And cheerful. Way too much cheerful. And that cheerfulness was forced. The others might not notice, too used to watch merely at the surface of Tsuzuki's behaviour to read what was behind it, but Touda hadn't let himself be fooled.
So he had persuaded Tsuzuki to follow him there, in a quiet corner out of Tenku-Kyuu, to do the only thing he could do for Tsuzuki. Offer him someone who would listen whatever he felt like sharing and didn't abandon him after he had heard him out.
"So, what's wrong?" he said breaking the silence with his usual gruff tone. Of course Tsuzuki never shared stuff on his own will without a bit of prodding. Touda didn't mind. He had all the time one could wish to get Tsuzuki to talk. It wasn't like he had better things to do. Besides all he wanted to do in his life was to be useful to Tsuzuki. As soon as he heard his question Tsuzuki turned to look at him, his gaze serious.
"What should be wrong?" he asked calmly, purple eyes studying Touda carefully.
Touda might say he knew Tsuzuki but Tsuzuki knew Touda even better. If, with some effort, Touda could read in between the lines of Tsuzuki's behaviour, Tsuzuki didn't even need to look at him to know if something was up. It was disconcerting in a fashion to have someone knowing him so well and yet, at the same time, it felt very nice. Tsuzuki knew him because he cared and Tsuzuki was the only one who did it.
"You're faking an excessively cheerful mood, that is what is wrong," the Shikigami pointed out with annoyance. Tsuzuki stuck his hands in his pockets and looked down. He absently kicked a rock looking like a scolded child. Touda didn't comment. He didn't like when Tsuzuki got all-silent but at least he wasn't pretending to be happy and that, in Touda's book, was an improvement.
"It's nothing I can't handle," the man said in the end.
"Is the Kageshi giving you a hard time again?" Touda wondered. The Kageshi was an exigent and precise partner. Tsuzuki was all but ordinate and precise and apparently the Kageshi had a hard time dealing with it. Not that Touda cared about the Kageshi's problems. However the way the Kageshi chose to deal with this problem was to be a pain for Tsuzuki, constantly requesting him to do things that weren't really in Tsuzuki's style. "Tsuzuki, you should stop trying to please everyone. He's merely your work partner and he can't..."
"Tatsumi isn't my partner anymore," Tsuzuki blurted out, interrupting him. Damn, damn, damn. Enma had done it again. He had broken again Tsuzuki's partnership. After three mere months. Touda doubted the ruler of Meifu could not know that Tsuzuki would blame himself for it. Tsuzuki always blamed himself for everything, it was something impossible to miss.
"Which stupid excuse did Enma give you this time, for first giving you a partner that wasn't suitable to you and than taking him back?" he hissed. He hated Enma DaiOh, really. He had the impression Enma DaiOh was Meifu's version of the KouTei KouRyu. What had been done to him by the KouTei KouRyu, should never be done to Tsuzuki. He won't allow it. Tsuzuki should never know the sensation of being used and then thrown away like garbage. Never.(4)
Tsuzuki looked elsewhere.
"None."
"That jerk didn't even give you an excuse? He just woke up one day and decided he had to take away your partner?" he exclaimed exasperatedly, not caring at all about being disrespectful toward Meifu's highest figure.
"It wasn't Enma DaiOh-sama's idea, Touda." There was something... broken, raw, in Tsuzuki's voice as he said it. The man had been hurt. Again. Touda would never forgive who had done it. There was a pause of silence. "It was all my fault," Tsuzuki said in the end in a pain-filled tone.
"You broke the partnership with the Kageshi?" Touda asked tilting his head as he looked at Tsuzuki in confusion. It was so not like Tsuzuki to refuse someone... Not that Touda blamed him if he didn't like the Kageshi but still... Tsuzuki chewed his lower lip and didn't reply. Touda rested a hand on the man's shoulder. It was uncommon for him to initiate a physical contact and he only did it with Tsuzuki, when he believed the man needed all the support Touda could offer. Touda, like any Jyazoku, hated physical contact but Tsuzuki loved it and if Touda could do something to help him he would. Besides, he didn't mind much having physical contact with Tsuzuki. The man had the rare gift to make it felt almost... nice...(5)
"Tsuzuki, what has happened?" he asked simply.
"I didn't break the partnership either," Tsuzuki admitted reluctantly, his eyes lowered.
"Then what..." he started in an exasperate tone than he frowned as an idea crossed his mind and grabbed Tsuzuki's shoulders. "He didn't! He didn't dare to break his partnership with you!" Tsuzuki didn't look up at him but the bitter smile on his lips was answer enough. The Kageshi couldn't have done this to Tsuzuki, he couldn't. Didn't he realize how much it would hurt him? "How could he?" he asked in a whisper. It went beyond his comprehension how someone could hurt Tsuzuki this way, how someone could wish to be apart from Tsuzuki.
"It wasn't Tatsumi's fault Touda. I was nothing but a burden to him. I couldn't... I couldn't be... as efficient as he wanted. I just... couldn't. To murder a child in cold blood... I couldn't."(6)
"So whose fault is this then?" Touda asked sarcastically. "It's your fault if you are a kind, caring person? Don't you even dare to say it Tsuzuki or I'll kick you from here to Tenku-Kyuu!" Tsuzuki shook his head in disagreement, eyes still on the floor.
"I couldn't do my work, Touda. I couldn't. I was a worthless partner who only gave him troubles. I'm not strong enough and he..." he tried to explain.
"That's what he said? That you were worthless?" Touda asked, fury clearly showing in his normally uncaring tone. Tsuzuki shook his head and closed his eyes, his mind replaying Tatsumi's goodbye as he remembered it.
'... Eh? Tatsumi... just now... what did...'
'I am sorry, Tsuzuki-san... I'm not going with you on this case...'
'Ah... right... okay. It's an easy one anyway. Well, next time then...'
'Not next time. Or the one after that... Or after that.'
'Ah... I see.'
'Tsuzuki-san...'
'It's fine! Really, I understand. I'm okay. Because I'm used to it... this kind of thing. Sorry, Tatsumi, for any trouble... Thank you...'
'Tsuzuki-san...'
It hadn't been fine. He wasn't okay. He wasn't okay at all. Tsuzuki knew he should have been used to being abandoned, rejected, but instead... it had hurt. Badly. It always hurt and he didn't want to remember. He didn't want to remember how he had failed again, how he had been abandoned and refused again.
"He said nothing," he replied rather harshly. "He just didn't want to work with me anymore. He didn't need to give me explanations, Touda. I don't think I wanted to hear them anyway." He'd had enough of hearing how he was worthless, how he was a freak, how he was...
"He had no right to do this to you!" Touda exclaimed heatedly. Tsuzuki opened his eyes to look at his Shikigami in confusion realizing only then how upset Touda was and not quite understanding the reason.
"Sure he had, Touda. It wouldn't be right if he was forced to stay with me when he didn't want to," he replied. It wouldn't have been right to force Tatsumi to remain with him if he didn't want to do it, he knew it. Tsuzuki had desperately tried to rationalize things from the moment he had heard Tatsumi saying he was breaking their partnership. However they could only make sense in his mind not in his heart. What Tatsumi had done was right but it still hurt and would likely hurt forever. Tsuzuki didn't think he would ever been able to forget it. And he was desperate. And angry. At himself, at Tatsumi, at the job, at Konoe Kacho, at Enma, at the world. And he couldn't tell because he didn't want to make things even more troublesome for Tatsumi or Konoe or everyone else. He had bothered them enough.
"He had no right to do this to you!" Touda repeated "To dismiss you like you were nothing, to ignore your feelings and wishes just because he feels like it! You deserve better than this, Tsuzuki!" the Shiki insisted. Tsuzuki looked at him. Touda behaved coldly most of the time, acting like nothing mattered to him, like nothing was worth of his interest, like nothing could affect him. Only around him Touda dared to vent his own emotions.
Sometimes.
Fire Shiki were supposed to be passionate or so Genbu-jiisan had told to him.(7) Tsuzuki was ready to bet it wasn't healthy for Touda to keep everything bottled inside himself in the same way it wasn't healthy for him. They had no choices most of the time. They couldn't let the others see, let them know. He'd always felt honoured Touda would trust him so much as to... to be himself. However to see Touda upset like that over him...
"I'm sorry, Touda, I didn't mean to upset you, I..." he began apologizing.
"You idiot! Why are you apologizing at me? He had hurt you! Aren't you angry at him?" Touda asked him. Tsuzuki lowered his head. He was angry but he knew he had no right to be.
"It was my fault, Touda. My fault. I'm just..."
"Don't give me that! It's not your fault, damn it!" the Shiki yelled. Tsuzuki turned to look up at Touda desperately wishing he could trust his words, desperately wishing he was right. He wasn't exactly sure of when exactly he ended up sobbing against him, his face hidden against Touda's shoulder, as he clung to him as if Touda was the only thing that sustained him at the moment. He had no idea when Touda had awkwardly wrapped his arms around him in something that wasn't quite a hug but the closest thing Touda could offer to him. Jyazoku didn't hug, it wasn't just their thing but, to Touda, Tsuzuki was worth everything, even going against his own nature. Tsuzuki deserved so much better than being treated like that! He wouldn't forgive the Kageshi for this, ever.
"I'll kill him for this. I'll rip his insides out and burn him until not even ashes will remain of him. I'll kill him," he murmured in the closest thing to a soothing tone he could have. Tsuzuki didn't really pay attention to the sense of his words, only to the attempt to soothe his pain. In those three months of partnership with Tatsumi he had tried his best to adjust to how things were in Meifu, to handle what had happened to him before his death, to keep his own balance, to fulfil Tatsumi's expectations and in the same time to not bother him. He hadn't been able to. It shouldn't have come as a big surprise.
He'd been insane and nearly comatose for eight years. He had spent the last nineteen building up a semblance of normality. A semblance, a show for unsuspecting, casual watchers. But he wasn't all right and he wasn't normal. And whoever got too close to him was bound to realize it. Tsuzuki couldn't help it. He needed time, more time than what he had been given to built up an illusion that would work better, that would hold for a longer time.
"Touda. Don't tell SoRyu and the others. They'll be disappointed. I can't even keep a partner for more than three months..." he whimpered.
"Tsuzuki. Shut up," Touda ordered. It was obvious he would never mention this with the others, and not just because he normally didn't talk with the others. Whatever Tsuzuki told him was between him and Tsuzuki. No one else was allowed to know unless Tsuzuki wanted someone else to know it. Tsuzuki snuggled closer feeling happy when Touda let him do it. It felt good to be so close to his Shiki. For once he was feeling safe from that oppressive sense of failure, of being different, of not being enough and it felt good.
For once he thought he could do it, he could live through the mess that his life was, no matter what would have happened because... because he wasn't alone anymore.
GenSoKai - 1946
The second time Tsuzuki visited GenSoKai with Tatsumi he had completely forgotten about what had happened after their partnership had been broken. Well, forgot wasn't the right word. He hadn't forgotten he was merely refusing to think at the whole thing. He hurt less if he didn't think at it and he could still stay friend with Tatsumi and behave around him as if nothing had happened.
That time Tatsumi had come with him in GenSoKai because he had to talk with SoRyu's about some problem in the network. Nothing serious but since GenSoKai resided in Meifu's network it was better to inform SoRyu.(8)
Everyone believed it was out of question to trust Tsuzuki to explain computer problems so they had assigned the task to Tatsumi, who had just become Konoe Kacho's secretary. Tsuzuki had gone along for the ride, officially because SoRyu wouldn't listen to Tatsumi unless Tsuzuki asked him to do so but, in truth, because for Tsuzuki each excuse was good to visit his own Shiki.
Tsuzuki hadn't meant to let Tatsumi out of his sight, he only wanted to talk a bit with Tenko and Kijin... He noticed Tatsumi wasn't with him anymore when Byakko joined them, reporting he had seen Tatsumi with Touda, which was odd because Touda normally didn't show interest in anyone who wasn't Tsuzuki... Tsuzuki found it odd too and wondered what was up when he remembered something.
'I'll kill him. I'll rip his insides out and burn him until not even ashes will remain of him. I'll kill him.'
Surely Touda didn't mean it for real, it was something he had said in the heat of the moment, something he said just to cheer up Tsuzuki... Yeah, sure, as if Touda ever said he would do something he didn't mean to do...
He dumped Byakko, Tenko and Kijin without much of an explanation and ran away, hoping to be in time before a new war was started in GenSoKai.
"Where are you dragging me exactly, Shikigami?" Tatsumi asked with annoyance. Tsuzuki-san had explained him many things over Shikigami and hadn't approved Tatsumi's vision of them but old habits were hard to die.
"Out," the Shikigami, Touda was his name if he remembered right, replied laconically. Tatsumi held a special affection for Tsuzuki-san, the man had touched something in him no one else had been able to, but he couldn't really stand his Shikigami, especially this one who was extremely rude, impolite and offensive. If you add to this that Tatsumi had been informed, even if very vaguely, that Touda had done something for which other Shikigami considered him a criminal...
"I'm here to talk with SoRyu not to accompany you out," Tatsumi pointed out in his efficient tone. He wasn't going to let this Shiki scare him or order him around. For Tsuzuki-san's sake he had always tried to be polite with his Shiki but that was all. He just didn't like them. He'd been taught Shikigami were nothing else but Shinigami's servants, creatures a little better than animals and he wasn't ready yet to revise that opinion. He would do it in the following years, when he would know them better and become wiser and more mature but right then he had been taught so by his Sensei and he believed so.
"Tsuzuki said I'm not allowed to burn people to ashes inside Tenku-Kyuu, so you'll come out, no matter if you want it or not," Touda stated calmly in the same way another would have used to talk about the weather. Tatsumi blinked. Was Tsuzuki's Shiki threatening him? How dared he? Did he realize whom he was facing? He was a Kageshi and fully capable to face a Shikigami counting on his own power.
Or at least he believed so.
Whatever Tatsumi could have said was interrupted by Tsuzuki-san, who literally jumped on his Shiki, hugging him enthusiastically as if he hadn't seen him for years. The Shikigami stood still, allowing his master to do so, without bothering to hug him back.
"I'm so glad I found you, Touda..." Tsuzuki-san was saying.
"Tsuzuki-san," Tatsumi interrupted him. "I do believe your Shikigami was threatening me."
"He wasn't," Tsuzuki-san replied waving his hand dismissively, all cheerfulness and good mood. However he was still keeping his other arm wrapped around his Shikigami's neck in an almost protective manner. "You merely misinterpreted his words, Tatsumi."
"I'm very sure I didn't," Tatsumi replied, annoyed at the mere thought Tsuzuki-san could think he would do something stupid like misinterpret a threat. "And you'll do better to remember your Shikigami it isn't wise to challenge a Kageshi."
Tsuzuki-san dropped his good mood and stared at him. Actually stared wasn't the right word. He was glaring at him and, for once, Tatsumi felt tempted to back walk. Only it wasn't possible for Tsuzuki-san to look so serious and... scary... yes, scary. But Tsuzuki-san was the happy go lucky of their section, he just wasn't capable to look... that dangerous, like a predator ready to strike his prey...
"You'll do better to not threaten my Shikigami either, Tatsumi," Tsuzuki-san warned him quietly and there was something... chilling in his voice. "Besides they all have a name. Please use them. His name is Touda if you don't remember it." Tsuzuki-san's voice was slipping into a more normal tone but it was still... too serious for him.
"He threatened me," Tatsumi insisted.
"I'm sure he didn't mean it," Tsuzuki-san affirmed.
Touda looked at Tsuzuki but didn't say a thing. He had enough good sense to know it wasn't the time to contradict Tsuzuki.
"And I would be very grateful to you if you would just forget the whole thing and never mention it to anyone. It won't happen again," Tsuzuki continued.
"I hope so, Tsuzuki-san. I would regret disposing of one of your Shikigami," Tatsumi replied.
"Tatsumi. I've faith in your power. But if Touda had wanted you dead you would have been dead, don't forget this," Tsuzuki-san told in such a calm, sure tone it sounded like a death sentence. It was so completely out of character for him to be so serious... or had he been the one who had misjudged him? "And be sure I would allow no one to hurt my Shiki. They are my friends. My best friends. Almost like family."
Then Tsuzuki-san dropped the serious attitude effortlessly and gave him a cheerful smile, his serious mood disappearing so fast Tatsumi wondered if it had ever existed.
"Well, I've got to go now," Tsuzuki-san informed him "Me and Touda must have a nice, long chat, shouldn't we?" Tsuzuki-san stated, smiling brightly at the Shikigami. The Shiki grimaced.
"Tsuzuki-san, what about our mission..." Tatsumi began to say.
"Oh, SoRyu will be happy to listen to you," Tsuzuki-san said dismissively in a tone that was definitely familiar to Tatsumi and that was the same the man used when he tried to avoid doing paperwork. "I've already told Byakko to inform him. You don't need me for the exposition anyway. I know I've been dragged along merely to allow you easier access to SoRyu's presence." The last sentence was said a bit more sharply. Tatsumi considered it. Was Tsuzuki-san trying to point out he wasn't as na?e as others believed him to be? Could it be? Before Tatsumi had the time to find an answer to his question Tsuzuki-san waved and started dragging his Shikigami away with him. The Shikigami allowed him, following his master without making resistance.
Tatsumi was left alone to wonder. He knew Tsuzuki-san by a year now. He had been charmed by his kindness and by his cheerful mood. He had been hurt by the man's depressive crisis, in which he could do nothing but watch him. That was what had pushed him to break their partnership, the sense of inadequately he felt when Tsuzuki-san was depressed and he didn't know how to help him out. He had thought it would be better for them both and he still looked out for Tsuzuki-san from time to time. He didn't think he would be able to forget the man. However he had never sawn that side of Tsuzuki-san, that fierce protectiveness, that cold determination and a certain sharpness of mind the man had never showed while they were on work, allowing him to take all the decisions and merely tagging along. Or had he missed it? Tatsumi didn't know but he planned to find out.
Tsuzuki dragged Touda out of Tenku-Kyuu as fast and as discretely as he could. He didn't plan to attract his other Shiki's attentions and he truly hoped Tenku-oji had been busy doing other tasks to notice what had happened but somehow he doubted so. Very little escaped to Tenju-oji and he knew the palace Shikigami held a grudge against Touda. Tsuzuki should have to have some words with him as soon as possible. This mess should never reach SoRyu's ears or it would grow into unimaginable proportions.
Once they were far enough Tsuzuki stopped walking and turned to look at Touda.
"What in the world were you planning to do?" he asked and, even if he tried to control it, his anger slipped into his voice.
Touda didn't reply, he just looked back at him, unsure. Tsuzuki had never been that mad at him before and he had no idea how he was supposed to react. When he had been under the KouTei KouRyu he had learnt that angering his master only meant troubles. He hadn't cared much and had talked back as he saw fit and this, in the end, had been part of what had lead him to his imprisonment. However he couldn't say he regretted it. Regret wasn't in his nature and, at least, he got the satisfaction of speaking his mind out. But with Tsuzuki... things were different. He didn't want to displease the man. Tsuzuki was the only person whose opinion Touda judged more important than his own.
"Well? I'm waiting for an answer," Tsuzuki prodded, forcing himself to control more his tone. He was sure that, despite everything, Touda didn't mean to do something bad but he doubted SoRyu, or everyone else for the matter, would see things the same way and, anyway, he didn't want Touda to hurt people. "Touda. What were you thinking to do?" he insisted.
"Killing him," Touda replied honestly. He had the feeling Tsuzuki wouldn't be pleased with his answer but he would never lie to him no matter what the outcome could be.
"Why?" Tsuzuki asked, sounding exasperated and vaguely hurt. "Tatsumi is my friend! I don't want him to die! And even if you had simply tried to attack him, you would have ended up in a lot of troubles! SoRyu... I don't want to picture what he would do or say! Touda, what in the world were you thinking?" Then, before Touda could reply, the protectiveness Tsuzuki felt for each of his Shikigami flashed briefly in his eyes. "He hadn't... done something against you, had he?" Tsuzuki was sure Tatsumi would have never hurt one of his Shikigami willingly but he also knew Tatsumi understood near to nothing about Shikigami. Tatsumi might have hurt Touda inadvertently and, since Touda understood other people even less than Tatsumi understood Shikigami he might not have understood it had been an incident, and might have perceived it as an attack, a threat.
"He hadn't hurt me. He had hurt you. He has to die for that," Touda said simply. "I don't care about what SoRyu would have done afterward or what would have happened to me. He has hurt you and he deserves to die for it. No one must dare to hurt you."
Tsuzuki stared. In his own way Touda had been merely trying to protect him, to protect him from pain, even if it could result in troubles for himself. He didn't understand that killing Tatsumi wouldn't make Tsuzuki feel better, he had just perceived Tatsumi had wronged Tsuzuki, caused him pain, and had tried to protect him the only way he knew. Once Genbu-Ojiisan had told him: 'Touda is a weapon. A deadly one. Nothing more, nothing less. He doesn't know how to be anything else. He can serve you only in this way. Don't ask for more from him, Tsuzuki. He might wish to give it to you but he won't know how.' But Tsuzuki had been sure, Tsuzuki was still sure there was much more than that in Touda. It was just that no one, not even Touda himself, knew it. It was up to Tsuzuki to teach to Touda he wasn't just a weapon. He was a friend, a precious one.
"Touda, I already told you. It wasn't Tatsumi's fault if he had to break our partnership," Tsuzuki told him again, in a gentler tone while wondering how he could explain to Touda that, while he had appreciated the Shikigami's attempt to protect him, that idea would have caused them both more damage then help without hurting Touda's feelings. He knew he was probably the only one in all GenSoKai who worried about Touda's feelings, not even Touda himself cared much about them, but Tsuzuki couldn't help it. He knew what it meant to be hurt. He didn't want Touda to be hurt by careless words. Even if Touda had been about to cause a disaster.
"It doesn't matter," Touda stated. "He had hurt you. He shouldn't have dared to hurt you! I'm your Shikigami, Tsuzuki! I'm supposed to protect you not to stand and watch as he threats you like you were dirt! He has no right to do to you what had been done to me! Even if you're angry at me now... it's better than seeing you hurt like that!" Touda had raised his voice unconsciously as he spoke and he had clenched his fists. Watching Tsuzuki in pain, a pain he knew well, had... hurt even if Touda didn't understand quite why. He just... didn't want it to happen ever again, even if that meant to have Tsuzuki mad at him. To have Tsuzuki angry at him hurt less than watching a sad Tsuzuki and he expected Tsuzuki to get very angry at him for his defiance. That was why he was completely unprepared for the hug Tsuzuki gave him. It was tight, and it was warm, and it was affectionate, and it was all those nice things that Tsuzuki represented to him.
"I know you were trying to help, Touda, I know," Tsuzuki told him softly while hugging him. "But that wouldn't have been a good solution to the problem. Tatsumi's death wouldn't have made me happy and to see you in troubles afterward would have made me even more desperate. I don't want you to get yourself in troubles due to me, Touda."
"I'm you Shikigami. If it helps you it doesn't matter what happens to me..." Touda tried to point out.
"Of course it matters!" Tsuzuki interrupted him. "It matters a lot! You're my friend, Touda! I don't want to see you in troubles! You've no idea how sad it would make me!" Touda blinked. He knew Tsuzuki cared but... but there had never been cases in GenSoKai of masters who would get... sad if their Shiki were in troubles. Upset and distressed over the risk of losing their aid yes but... sad?
"Really?" he asked in a rather confused, childish tone.
"Really," Tsuzuki assured. "So don't try to get yourself in troubles ever again. You're my friend. You're precious to me, Touda."
"Then... I'll do only what you'll command me to do," he agreed. Tsuzuki sighed. That wasn't quite what he had in mind but it was better than nothing.
"Good. Touda... I don't want you to threaten one of my workmates ever again, okay?" he asked.
"If that's what you want..." Touda answered sounding just a tiny bit reluctant over the whole idea and Tsuzuki just knew that meant he didn't like it. At all.
"I don't want them to be hurt and I don't want you to get in trouble. I'll be fine as long as everyone around me is fine," Tsuzuki explained. "Okay?" Touda nodded reluctantly.
"Tsuzuki... are you mad at me for what I did?" he asked then. He didn't want Tsuzuki to be mad at him, he had tried to kill the Kageshi to please him, not to upset him but it seemed he had got the contrary effect. Oh well, he should have known Tsuzuki wouldn't have appreciated it, Tsuzuki never liked when people died but... but he had seen Tsuzuki in pain and hadn't been able to forget it.
"I'm never really mad at you, Touda, you know that," Tsuzuki replied, grinning. "Maybe Kuroshiro is right. I spoil you." Touda snorted. He wasn't fond of Kuroshiro who was one of the Shikigami of Tsuzuki's first partner and had the nasty habit to behave as if he knew Tsuzuki better than Tsuzuki's twelve Shiki put together.(9)
"You're a good friend, Touda," Tsuzuki continued. "I'm glad I've you. Only... I'll appreciate if you don't go around killing people on my behalf."
The Shikigami shrugged.
"If it'll make you happy..." he conceded. After all the main reason behind his own action was to keep Tsuzuki from being sad so...
"Very happy," Tsuzuki assured him. Touda looked straight at him.
"After this you're planning to never tell me again if something troubles you, aren't you?" he asked.
"Touda..."
"Aren't you, Aruji-sama?" he asked bitterly. He knew he had messed up. He hadn't meant it. He had realized only now this mess could cost him Tsuzuki's trust.
"Don't be like that with me," Tsuzuki warned. He never liked when his Shikigami treated him as if he was just their owner and not their friend. Touda frowned at that. Tsuzuki decided the Shiki looked like he was sulking and sighed, unsure if to be amused or exasperated by it. "Let's have a deal," he offered. "I'll always tell you everything only if you promise me there will be no more planned murders."
"Deal," Touda agreed readily, knowing Tsuzuki was the only one with whom he would get off so easily. "But I won't like the Kageshi anyway. Ever. I won't forget what he did."
"I didn't expect you to," Tsuzuki replied with a smile. It felt weird however to hear it, to hear that someone would take so at heart the fact he had been hurt by another's behaviour. It felt weird because it gave him confidence, the idea someone would be always on his side no matter what. It felt weird because it made him feel good.
Tsuzuki wasn't angry at Tatsumi anymore. He understood how Tatsumi might have not wanted to be his partner. He still hurt for his decision but he understood it. He knew he was fully responsible for it. However to have someone who would take his side despite everything, no matter what this could cost... was a feeling he had long forgotten. After Ruka's death... he hadn't expected to have someone on his side unconditionally.
"You're really a good friend, Touda," he repeated. The Shiki shrugged.
"I'm just trying to do what's better for you. Only... I don't know what it is and I don't think you know either," Touda observed, studying Tsuzuki carefully. He was sure Tsuzuki couldn't know. The man was too filled with self hate to know. "However... I'll trust your judgement," he stated. "Always. You'd been the first to trust me and I'll always trust you, no matter what."
Tsuzuki smiled, then ruffled Touda's hair affectionately. Touda snorted and Tsuzuki laughed. No, Tsuzuki couldn't possibly know what was better for him. However that didn't matter. There were few things Touda could do to help him and he was sure that, giving him his trust, he was doing what was best for Tsuzuki. One day Tsuzuki would realize his self worth. Until then Touda would be around him to remind him that with his blind trust and his blunt words. And if Tsuzuki would still not understand... at least he would be around to keep him company and offer him a shoulder to cry on. Yes, that would be the best he could do for Tsuzuki and he would do it gladly, no matter what.
JJ's Notes:
1. In 'Yami no Matsuei Character Sketchbook' there's a page with pictures of a certain Natsume-san. My poor Japanese knowledge only allowed me to understand this guy was Tsuzuki's caretaker (no idea if he was his mentor when Tsuzuki was alive or when he was a Shinigami and I'm not even sure if I understood this right). Anyway I decided to use this name for Tsuzuki's first partner. I made him up his relationship with Tsuzuki and his character.
2. There are no info over who was Tsuzuki's second partner so I've made up Kuroyuri Reiko. By the way her name means 'Dark Lily - Spirit Child'
3. Despite many believing the contrary Tsuzuki Asato was born before Tatsumi Seiichiro and Matsushita Sensei stated it in one of the drama cd (sadly she didn't tell us when exactly Tatsumi had birth...). Tatsumi however died at 29 so he's physically older than Tsuzuki who died at 26. Tsuzuki began working as Shinigami in 1926. In 1998 Tatsumi said he knows Tsuzuki by around 50 years (later he will also said he had stopped doing ground work by around 50 years) so I assume their partnership took place more or less around 1948 and, after breaking it, Tatsumi became Konoe's secretary. For various reasons I chose Tsuzuki and Tatsumi's three months of partnership to take place in 1945. Let's hope one day Matsushita Sensei will tell us the exact date.
4. Matsushita Sensei hadn't explained clearly what had happened to Touda but apparently the KouTei KouRyu had used him to do the dirty work and then had let him be imprisoned with the accusation of mass murder.
5. No idea if Jyazoku like or not physical contact however Touda is never shown touching someone (except for kicking Tsuzuki around or when he grabbed Tsuzuki's neck to stop him from falling in a trap) and, when Tsuzuki hugged him, he remained perfectly still, not returning the hug.
6. Matsushita Sensei didn't give us much details over Tatsumi and Tsuzuki's partnership but it seems their last case involved murdering a child and Tsuzuki's overemotional reaction to it persuaded Tatsumi it was better to break the partnership.
7. Again no idea if Fire Shiki are supposed to be passionate but Fire is the element that usually represent passion so it made sense to me.
8. In the past, GenSoKai used to be right next to the human world but as human society advanced and science progressed the electrical lights born from human civilization destroyed the darkness in which Shikigami lurked, causing the inhabitants of GenSoKai to loose their place to exist, and to loose contact with the outside. So they come to live in the digital realm inside Meifu's computer since in human hearts there was no longer any place for them.
9. Oh... Hum... Sorry, Kuroshiro is an original character of mine who made an apparition in my fic 'JiGoku no Kuro no Honoo'. I couldn't resist mentioning him.
JJ's Extra Notes:
When Tatsumi broke his partnership with Tsuzuki he did so persuaded it would be better for them both. We find out in Vol. 5 that Tsuzuki had considered it his own fault and hadn't took it well. In 1998 Tsuzuki attempts suicide. Tatsumi would like to let him do so, persuaded he's doing it because 'it would be better for Tsuzuki, because that's what Tsuzuki wishes'. There's also another person who is doing what he thought would be better for Tsuzuki, Touda, who's helping him to die because Tsuzuki had asked him and Touda wanted him to have the 'freedom of death' uncaring of the troubles this could cause him. While them both wanted to help Tsuzuki and, in a fashion, were doing something for him, there's a subtle difference in all this. Tatsumi thought that, for Tsuzuki, it would be better to be abandoned to his own destiny. Touda aided Tsuzuki in following the destiny Tsuzuki chose and, apparently, remained with him until Tatsumi, whose mind had been changed by Watari, carried Tsuzuki away. Their purpose was the same, their way to deal with it different. It just intrigued me to have the two of them 'facing' each other over the matter of what would have been better for Tsuzuki ages before, if to remain partner with Tatsumi or not. Tsuzuki however thwarted my plans and went between the two of them, stopping a real confrontation and maybe it's better this way. While Touda and Tatsumi both want to help Tsuzuki they have quite strong characters and ideas about what's better for him. They would hardly change their minds and a fight would have caused even more troubles for Tsuzuki...
Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-sama: "Lord" or "Lady"
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Aruji: "Master" or "Owner"
ChiJou: Land of the Living
DaiOh: "Great King". Enma's title
Enma: "Demon of Darkness". Ruler of the Land of Dead
GenSoKai: "Illusory World". It's where Shikigami reside. It's a mirror copy of ChiJou located in JuOhCho network
Jiisan: "Grandfather" of "Old man"
JuOhCho: "Ten Kings Office". Meifu's bureaucratic organization ruled by Enma. It's in charge of judging the deceased in Japan
Jyazoku: "Snake Race" or "Member of the Snake Race"
Kacho: "Section Chief". Konoe's title
Kageshi: "Shadow User". Tatsumi Seiichiro's ability
KouTei KouRyu: "Golden Emperor Golden Dragon". The highest authority in GenSoKai
Meifu: Land Of The Dead
Ningen: Human
Senpai: "Older Co-worker" or "Older Classmate"
Sensei: "The One Who Is Born Before". Used with the meaning of "Teacher" or "Doctor" or "Professor"
Shokan-Ka: "Summoning Division". Division in Enma-Cho that deals with summoning the dead to appear at court. It enters in action only when the souls of the dead don't go spontaneously to Meifu
Shiki: Short for 'Shikigami'
Shikigami: "Ceremonial God". Summoned creatures with two forms (usually one is animal looking while the other is human looking) that live in GenSoKai. In Japanese myth they're summoned creature that attends an Onmyouji
Shinigami: "God Of Death" or "Death God". Nickname for the Shokan-ka workers. In Japanese myth two Shinigami are sent by Enma to retrieve the souls of the dead
Tenku-kyuu: "Sky Palace". Tenku's title
Send me your comments!