Inspired by this post on Tumblr by elfgirl931
This is for the best, Thane tells himself.
He stands outside Shepard's cabin listening to the drive core hum, letting the heartbeat of the ship anchor him. He breathes once, then twice. He holds the third breath as if he's taking aim with his Mantis—lining up the perfect shot before pulling the trigger—and releases it slow and steady as his fingers swipe across the keypad and the doors open. Sadness coils in his chest, but he must remind himself of their victory. He must remind himself that they are both still alive and that is enough cause for rejoice.
Shepard envelopes him in a warm embrace and her scent fills him until his joy nearly spills over, but he denies her when she takes his face in her hands and leans in. To do this pains him, but he cannot give himself to her now because she will consume him like a tempestuous sea and he would gladly fall to her depths.
"Siha." The word drips from his lips like honey, but his heart is heavy and he feels as if it will spill from his chest. Thane takes both of her hands in his before leading her to the bed. She sits, and he kneels before her.
Eyebrows knit with worry. Her blue eyes search for answers. She is confused.
"We will be arriving at the Citadel soon and there is something important I wish to discuss." He looks up at her and presses her hands to his chest, basking in the suppleness of her skin. "I have enjoyed our time together greatly."
"Every moment," she smiles, her thumb caressing his collarbone.
"I… find it difficult to accurately express how much you mean to me." He pauses to wrap one arm around her waist, committing the feel of her heat to memory. "I wish to tell you how I crave your presence. My longing for you has grown so deep in my bones that I feel as if one moment without you will cause them to shatter. When I look into your eyes I see not deep oceans but vast galaxies, and it is then that I know how fortunate—how blessed—I truly am. And yet, these words are still not enough."
I bring my hand to her cheek. A shaky breath. Trembling fingers. She knows something is wrong. "Thane?"
"I have tried many times to find the proper words to describe how undeserving I am—of your warmth, your touch… your heart. You have given me all of you, and I have nothing to offer in return but what is left of me. I love you, siha," he sighs, "but I cannot remain by your side."
Shepard does not protest, and Thane is taken aback when her lips curve into a hesitant smile. "Kolyat," she breathes, her voice unsteady. She tries to fight against it—as is her nature—but the sorrow flows as freely from her eyes as it does from his own.
"You have given me another chance with my son, Shepard. Another chance to be a father." The words are gravel in his throat, rough and cracked. "And with my limited time, I shall not waste that opportunity."
She trembles. Pain washes over me like the waves of the Encompassing and I hold her, cherishing the way her body fits mine
"I'll miss you," she cries into his shoulder as Joker alerts them of their arrival. Five minutes until docking. "That night," the words rush from her mouth as their time together slips away, "That night we spent together will forever be the most important night of my life."
The memory floods back to him, clear and unrelenting. "Thane, be alive with me tonight."
Electricity traveled down his spine when he saw her in her entirety. The soft pink of her lips and smooth bronze of her skin. The way she arched beneath him as she allowed him passage. He marveled at the warmth of her, the pleasure he lost himself in, and the gasps of euphoria that helped him find his way back to her.
Thane pulls from her slightly, resting his forehead on hers. His hands grace the sides of her face and fresh tears roll down his cheeks because just like him, she will ache while they are apart and he does not know when he will be able to hold her again, to feel her flesh against his own.
"I will visit you as often as I possibly can," he tells her, looking straight into her eyes. "And I will write to you regularly."
The final grain of sand in their hourglass falls. The ship eases into the docking bay and Thane finds himself wishing he had more time to hold her, to kiss her, to comfort her, to tell her how he loves her and can't stand the thought of being without her. But if he is to leave, he must leave now.
Her mouth crashes onto mine, fierce and desperate. "I love you," she cries as our lips meet again. "I love you." And again. "I love you." And again. "I love you."
It takes all of his willpower to tear away from her and whisper his goodbye. He slips out of his jacket and drapes it across her shoulders before leaving her with one last lingering kiss.
"I shall see you soon, siha."
-oOo-
Shepard never thought she would fall in love with a turian. A drell? Probably. An asari? A soft maybe. But a turian? Perish the thought!
Garrus has always been her best friend—that one person she could trust to watch her back, who would always be there at the end of the day—but one day everything was just different and suddenly she's visiting him in the main battery just as often as he's spending the night in her bed. It all just feels right, and not in the sense that he always knows what to say or what to do, but because when she looks at him she still sees her best friend. He just makes her heart beat a little differently now.
Shepard is resting her head on Garrus's chest, eyes closed and on the brink of sleep, as she takes full advantage of her rest day. Horizon was hell, and the bittersweet reunion with Kaidan didn't make things any easier… But Shepard has much more important things to do than chase after the past.
A datapad goes off and high-pitched pings harass her eardrums. Garrus fumbles to silence the thing, but it's too late; she's already rubbing the tired from her eyes.
"Sorry," he mumbles, his talons tapping rapidly against the screen, "I must've forgotten to silence this damn thing."
Shepard stretches and responds with a hoarse laugh, "Sleep is for the weak, anyways."
Garrus's mandibles flutter as he laughs, adjusting his position so that he's facing her. "I thought I'd keep in touch with my sister, see how she's doing. It seems like the right thing to do before diving head-first into a suicide mission."
Shepard just smiles and lets her eyelids droop once more because, so help her, she is going to get the sleep she deserves. But Garrus is shifting awkwardly and it's making her rock back and forth in the most unpleasant way, so when he clears his throat she opens one eye to look at him.
"Have you checked in with anyone back on Earth?" He asks, not taking her death glare very seriously.
"Nah," she yawns. "No one to check in with."
"You know, I don't think you've ever actually talked about Earth before. Why is that?"
"Why so curious all of a sudden, you nosy turian?"
Garrus breaks eye contact. "Well, I just thought, you know, since we're together…" He draws out the last word and Shepard can't help but smile, so he continues, "I should get to know you better—tragic backstory and all."
"Not much to tell." Shepard moves closer and props herself up on one elbow, looking down at him. "It's a really boring story, I promise."
He rests his hand gently on her hip and a low hum emanates from his chest. God, she loves it when he does that and he damn well knows it. "Indulge me."
She huffs, trying to swallow the lump in her throat and stop the blush creeping onto her cheeks. Where to start?
"Well, my parents were total braniacs. Worked in this huge lab back on Earth and…" she trails off for a moment because this is the most uncomfortable thing she's had to do in a while, "they died in a chemical fire when I was thirteen. I hated the orphanage—the other kids bullied me, it was so packed and they didn't have enough food for everyone so I was starving more often than not, and I had to sleep in a cot that smelled like piss." Her nose itches with the memory of it. "I got out of there as soon as I could, joined some gangs and did some things I still regret, but at least I got a hot meal and a clean bed every night. It wasn't exactly home; then again nothing ever was. Survival was all I cared about, but that kind of life gets tiring. I didn't want to hurt anymore people or keep stealing, so when I turned eighteen I enlisted, and it's all history from there."
Tears begin welling up in Shepard's eyes because damn, she's just so tired and she might as well have just blasted herself with a full thermal clip's worth of emotions. Her breaths are erratic and her lip is quivering and she's begging herself to not cry because Commander Shepard, badass Reaper-killer, does not cry. Ever.
Garrus seems to panic briefly and Shepard almost wants to laugh because she knows he has absolutely no idea what to do with the sad mess in front of him, but she can't stop the tears from falling when he rests his forehead against hers. He pulls her closer and hums almost inaudibly, sending gentle vibrations throughout her body. She doesn't know how much time passes before her breaths become shallow and even, but Garrus continues to hum her lullaby and she drifts deeper and deeper until she's on the cusp of unconsciousness. Her muscles relax, her heartbeat slows, and it feels like there's nothing left but relief.
Shepard thinks that this must be what coming home feels like.
-oOo-
Kaidan wakes with a start.
His hands tremble as he wipes the cold sweat off his brow, desperately trying to even his breaths. It was just a stupid nightmare, he tells himself, it wasn't even real. The heels of his palms dig into his eye sockets, trying to calm the throbbing ache that pounds against his skull as fiercely as his heart beats in his chest, but it isn't helping. His doubt grows with each throb, feeding his paranoia until that's all that's left. Lying down isn't helping. Massaging his temples isn't helping. Nothing is helping and he feels so damn restless.
And before he can stop himself, Kaidan is punching in the code for the Captain's cabin. This is fucking ridiculous. He knows she's going to be in there. He knows that when that door slides open she'll be curled up in bed with her data pad, snoring like a rabid varren, but he just needs to see her; he just needs to make sure.
Shepard is awake, data pad in one hand and hot mug in the other, sitting at the edge of her bed. Her eyebrows raise in surprise and she lays everything down on her night stand. "Kaidan? Is everything alright?"
Kaidan feels like a scared kid running from the monsters under his bed, but that doesn't stop him from rushing to her, scooping her up in his arms and clenching the white cotton of her shirt—his shirt that he left here last week—in his fists like if he were to let go, she'd fade to nothing more than dust among the stars. Shepard, hesitant at first, relaxes into him. He relishes the warmth on his neck when she sighs, the comfort of her fingertips when they trail across his skull, the way her body melts into his own. This is what he fights for each day. This is what he can't stand to lose; not again.
Shepard pulls away slightly, but Kaidan's arms are practically bolted around her and she can't get very far. She holds his face in her hands, thumbs gently anchoring his cheeks, as he presses his forehead to hers. His migraine is unrelenting and it takes every ounce of will he has to not fall to his knees with the agony of it, but he needs this—to drink it in until he's content because this isn't some fear that haunts him in his sleep. This—his arms wrapped around her in a rib-crushing hug, the smell of her shampoo on his shirt—is reality.
"Kaidan, talk to me." Her voice is soft silk whispering across his frayed nerves. Her eyes find his; pools of amber meeting warm whiskey.
He waits a moment, letting his hands roam her back until he's able to map out every dip and curve by memory. "I love you, Shepard."
She smiles and he remembers how much he loves the way she scrunches her nose and laughs, "I love you too, but you're really giving me this 'we-only-have-ten-minutes-to-live' kind of vibe, and I'd really like to save the galaxy first. You don't want all my efforts to go to waste now, do you?"
Kaidan can't help the laughter bubbling in his chest. "No, no. I just…" He trails off, hoping she can't read minds because he can't find the right way to say I just wanted to make sure you're still here, still real, without feeling like a complete idiot.
Sharp pains assault his right temple and he brings his hand up as if it'll simply push the pain away. Shepard frowns and runs her hands through his hair, drawing small circles at the base of his skull. "You know what?"
A sigh passes Kaidan's lips before he brings her hand to his mouth and his chapped lips leave two tender kisses on her calloused palm. "Hmm?"
"Maybe you should bunk here tonight." Shepard shrugs and slips her arms around his waist. "Your side of the bed is getting a little cold."
The edges of his mouth curl upwards in the slightest, barely coaxing out his dimples, because this is real and screw nightmares and screw being alone. "I'd like that."