Sequel to „Anger is Contageous".
Summary: Bernard Woolley's confidential conversations with FFF (Friends, Fools & Family) which take place during episodes from Real Partnership to Tangled Web and post-canon aftermath. Bernard is contemplating over his job-satisfaction and starts thinking what his next high-flying career move should be. There are temporary set-backs, such as getting spanked by Sir Humphrey and making enemies in MI-5.
Characters: Bernard & FFF
Genre: Humour (darker sort, that is)
Rating: PG-13/R
Warnings: spanking, foul language.
I'm a nice chap I think. I always help my parents. In fact, I'm always respectful towards the elderly. I have a wife most chaps would kill to have and I'm never mean to her, no matter what. I sent my kids to the best schools. I have a job that most chaps would kill to have. I believe I'm pretty smooth at my job. I always do my duty, no matter what. If I have done some slightly wrong things, then I have always been discreet about it and even helped other people to be discreet as well. Also, I'm pretty good at tennis. I can beat any non-pro player.
Bernard played tennis or squash on most evenings after work. Usually he played with George, his brother-in-law, who worked in The Treasury. Tonight as well. About an hour and a half later his wife Catherine and George's wife Mary, who worked in the Ministry of Foreign Affaires, joined them in the club.
Catherine took Bernard aside and asked: „You are looking cheerful. Did it go well?"
„Yes, I beat George in two straight sets."
„Bernard, don't be a moron! I mean, did Appleby accept your apology?"
„Yes and no. I don't really know. He was quite unexpectedly extremely nice to me. He called everything that happened yesterday a non-event and said he doesn't hold me responsible."
However I'm not quite sure that it cannot resurface sometime later. But anyway, right now we have a much more important and urgent crisis, breweing up and keeping us all busy: the civil service pay-claim! I want a new car!
Sir Frank Gordon was occasionally seen in the tennis club. Tonight as well. As it so happened, his partner injured himself and he challenged Bernard to play with him.
Oh great, now Sir Frank is pulling my leg. Well, I don't have any particular reason to neither like him nor dislike him, even though Sir Humphrey is cross with him. But I don't really want to play with him, because it's going to get thoroughly embarrassing. His plays notoriously badly. I cannot exactly turn the challenge down either, I'd look like a coward. If I lose this game, then I lose this game and if I win this game, then I lose even more.
„Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" George whispered to him nervously.
„Yeah, I'm not totally stupid, I know the schtick, always let those big bosses win... no matter what."
Bernard won the first set 6-0.
Oh Gosh, losing to him is going to be a real challenge. Pull yourself together, Bernard!
Bernard scored many double faults and managed to lose the second and the third set 6-7, 6-7. His folks and other frequent visitors of the club were laughing at him. The final punchline was yet to come. Sir Frank shook his hand and with a big grin he said: „Thank you, Bernard. However, I wonder whether you run your affaires in No 10 as erratically as you play tennis..."
WHAT? YOU FREAKING BASTARD!
„I don't run No 10 and have no interest whatsoever in doing it. The PM runs it, obviously." Bernard replied, blinking at him innocently. Sir Frank laughed.
/
Not frequently enough, but there are times, when putting up with Sir Humphrey's little mood swings pays off handsomely in cold hard cash terms.
„Drink, Bernard?"
„Yes, please."
„Are you happy, Bernard?"
„Yes, absolutely, Sir Humphrey, dare I say it was most elegant, how you played Sir Frank for a chump and persuaded Hacker into accepting the civil-service pay-claim!"
Sometimes I absolutely adore my boss. Sir Humphrey is one very cunning devil and how he handled the civil-service pay claim was SO damn smooth, I could only watch in pure awe.
/
To be honest, having this Luke dude out of the picture, makes me very happy. He always made it clear that he's too cool for domestic affairs. And he nearly started blubbing when I poked some light fun at him. But Sir Humphrey seems to be getting full of hot air again without any apparent reason.
„My dear Bernard, do you have suggestions to make, who you'd like to see as your new assistant." Sir Humphrey asked him.
„Well, it's not up to me decide, of course, but I would suggest Lloyd Prichard." Bernard replied.
„Certainly not! That brat is not sound! In fact I only allowed that little sycophant of yours promoted in DAA precisely because he's absolutely clueless about what was going on... but he's quite beyond his competence level already, I'm afraid. Really, Bernard, if you are going to aggrandize this idiot further, you might end up looking like an idiot yourself. I don't need you telling indecent jokes and playing table-tennis with him 5 hours a day. I need you sharp, my dear Bernard!"
„How about Miss Andrea White then? Everybody says she's sound."
In fact, very... very... sound. Quite a No 10, to be precise.
„No, just no! Pull yourself together, Bernard!"
Bernard's palm connected with his forehead and he hung his head in shame.
That was a rhetorical question, how silly of me. Sir Humphrey probably only asked me for the express purpose of telling me how irrelevant my opinions are and anything I could suggest is beneath contempt. And possibly to provoke me too. Stay cool.
„In that case, Sir Humphrey, anyone you appoint is fine for me."
„Albert Greene it shall be."
„Greene? But he's a complete schmuck! Cannot tell his arse from his elbows!"
I didn't see quite that one coming. Shut up before it's too late.
„Berrrnaarrrd, you are getting insolent with me again."
„Certainly not, Sir Humphrey, Albert Greene it shall be."
/
Another evening he played tennis with Lloyd Prichard, his former assistant in the Department of Administrative Affairs. After that they had a few drinks. Lloyd had taken over his former position as the Principal Private Secretary in DAA.
Talking to Lloyd is always such a massive egotrip. He's about the only one who thinks I'm awesome and laughs at my jokes. He's a shameless flatterer, of course, but anyway, talking to him for a change is fun. Besides he appreciates finer things in life, such as birds, cars and rude jokes.
„Do you regret that you left DAA?" Lloyd asked.
That's a very good question. And I don't know the answer to this. In No 10 there's noone around to appreciate finer things in life with and I spend most of the time in paranoia that I get chopped rather soon.
„Well, I was actually kind of bored and lacked challenge." Bernard replied coolly. „ Besides, after Mrs. Harrisson left, there was nothing to look at anymore."
„That sounds a bit rude, but now that you mentioned her, I ran into Harrisson last week. She's in Goldman Sachs now."
„Wow, she goes around quite a lot. In that „Revolving Door" kind of way, if you know what I mean."
„That sounds incredibly rude, but anyway, coming back to DAA... we were hoping that you take over the department when Appleby went to The Cabinet Office."
If there's anything I've learned at all, then it's to hedge my bets.
„Look, Lloyd, that was a mere speculation. Okay, well, it was under discussion, but no actual offer landed on my table. Then suddenly Hacker offered that I could help him in No 10 and I just took what I could."
„Okay, well, Bernard, we are in a bit difficult situation here. The new Permanent Secretary is clueless on what's been going on. He's not exactly the sharpest knife, besides Appleby's left things in a complete mess. So many documents are missing."
„Gee, Lloyd, what else is new."
„You're about the only one, who can shed some light into some things."
„Aa I see. You need some help. I'm willing to help you out as much as I can. But I'm asking a favour in return."
„Yes..."
„Your brother is in MI-5."
„Uhh... yes, but... that's a little delicate matter."
„Listen, it's a matter of life and death. In the morning the new head of MI-5 came to the PM. I was not allowed to listen. I listened behind the door but didn't quite catch everything. Then the PM spoke to Appleby and the latter was quite upset over it. I didn't even have courage to ask anything. But then something very odd and disturbing happened. You remember that loon Marcus Moore who also works in MI-5?"
„Yeah, how can I forget. The chap who picked a fight with you at the Christmas party. My brother also has so many nice words to say about him." Lloyd chuckled.
„Exactly my point. That schmuck phoned me to No 10 today expressly to GLOAT. He went something along the rather cryptic lines: „Your lord and master Appleby is out of the game pretty soon and it will be a major scandal and whoever replaces him will fire you the moment they arrive into the office, as everybody knows, you are Appleby's lieutenant."
„I don't understand."
„Neither do I. I gathered enough courage tell Appleby about the strange phonecall and asked what was going on, but he didn't tell me anything. He only got very curious, how I had made enemies in MI-5. I didn't want to tell him. Just said that the schmuck is envious. I didn't exactly lie. It's all very embarrassing, as it started with a trivial personal quarrel and has nothing to do with my job."
„Wait, but how did you make enemies in MI-5 then? Why does Moore hate you so much anyway?"
„It so happened that I banged his wife."
„You are SO awesome, Woolley!"
Who else would call this shameful encounter awesome? Talking to Lloyd is always such a massive egotrip.
/
„So it was all complete nonsense, blows over by tomorrow and I can call the bluff?" Bernard whispered into the phone.
„Yes, most definitely!"
„Thank you, Lloyd."
So... of all things, Sir Humphrey's own incompetence is under active discussion! Some things in life are priceless!
Bernard allowed himself to laugh out loud hysterically.
Well done, Bernard. It's so hilarious and pathetic at the same time. Of course, hell freezes over before Sir Humphrey is going to be removed on the grounds of incompetence. But that Moore schmuck made a fair point: if Sir Humphrey was to be removed for one reason or another, and be replaced with Sir Frank or anybody else, I am out of the game with him. I don't think I have anything to gain that way. But on the other hand, if I piss off Sir Humphrey again, it may get very damn humiliating. That's quite some strategic hell. Think, Bernard, think.
/
Okay, I admit it. What I told to the press was a major fuck-up from my side. Well done, Bernard. And you yourself just handed Sir Humphrey the most brilliant opportunity to pursue that spanking thing further. But if I were to refuse sitting down with him for a few moments, I'd look like a complete coward. It would prbobably only further encourage Sir Humphrey's... little excesses. Maybe I can try to persuade him into dropping it.
„Really, my dear Bernard, you are an Oxford man. It shouldn't come all that novel to you."
„Well, there are many educational concepts which I didn't pursue after graduating. Maybe in principle high-ranked civil servants should be spanked for incompetence, Sir Humphrey. But not in practise! I don't deny that I messed up, but if such precedent was made, who knows, what else may come out?"
„Very droll, Bernard."
The funny thing is, he doesn't appear very pissed off. Even offered me a drink.
„With all due respect, you CANNOT spank me, Sir Humphrey." Bernard frowned.
„How much are you willing to bet on that, Bernard?" Sir Humphrey appeared disproportionately amused.
„A pound."
This conversation is getting quite perverted and not in a good way. How on earth is he going to do that while I'm sitting anyway?
„It can and it shall be done."
He grabbed Bernard by his tie and pulled sharply. Such sudden move was totally unexpected and Bernard lost balance together with his chair and fell across his boss's lap. Bernard tried to get up, but Sir Humphrey locked his legs between his and twisted his arms behind his back, putting him firmly into this position. He swat Bernard's behind sharply.
Damn it, I shouldn't have challenged him, damn it. Like a red flag so he could start proving his point. Stupid, Bernard, so very stupid.
„My dear Bernard, didn't you just say that I cannot spank you?"
TWHACK!
„Alright you won the bet! You'll have your pound. You are so awesome and I'm so stupid. Please let me go now?"
„Oh no, Bernard, you'll damn well learn your lesson, not to ever question my authority!"
TWHACK!
„Help! Mommy! Catherine! Prime Minister!" Bernard yelled and struggled. „Ouch! This is barbarism!"
TWHACK!
„Trying to be smart with me is, what got you into this awkward position in the first place, Bernard! You better take it like a man now!"
TWHACK! TWHACK! TWHACK! TWHACK! TWHACK! TWHACK! TWHACK! TWHACK! TWHACK!
„AAAAAAAGHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Bernard managed to struggle free from his master's grip and got up to his feet. He was flustered all over his face and on the verge of tears.
„I'm not a doormat. Am I? I'm under no obligation to put up with such gross abuses of power. Spanking me is humiliating even by your standards, Sir Humphrey." Bernard growled and straightened his tie. „Anyway, here's your pound."
„Really, Bernard! What should we do about your incompetence then?" Sir Humphrey said in his usual non-chalant tone. He didn't appear to see anything strange in spanking Bernard.
I SHOULD DECK YOU IN THE FACE!
„Well, I don't really care anymore! My job-satisfaction has deteriorated in direct proportion with my dignity anyway. The only good thing is, you can no longer threaten me with spankings because I've already seen it all and maybe even live long enough to tell about it!"
Sir Humphrey did not move but there seemed to be a slight glimpse of fear in his eyes.
I SHOULD DECK YOU IN THE FACE!
No, don't do it... no matter what. Say something, say something! Whatever, anything...
„Umh... umf... aa... supposing I got full authority to make staffing decisions about my subordinates... and 30% increase for our representation expenses... this thing could be... forgotten!"
Very brave, Bernard. Why did I say THAT? Is it going to get really ugly now?
Sir Humphrey appeared shocked, thrown off-balance and fervently thinking of what to say.
„Hmm... yes... I see your point... yes... yes... excellent, you are learning! Don't take this in a wrong way, my dear Bernard, I don't challenge you to humiliate you. I only challenge you to keep you sharp! To make you better!"
My dear lord and master is NOT going to have it his way this time, I shall get even... have a rematch... no matter what. Anyway, I cannot pursue this conversation any longer today, as I'm late for dinner with The One Who Got Away. Go check out her new Roll's Royce and then knock myself out.
/
„Oh Dorothy told me that you were late to work and were throwing up in the boys loo for nearly an hour. A little drinkie last night, Bernard?"
Things got a little out of hand. I got really totally shitfaced last night with Mrs. Harrisson. My wife was not particulary pleased. I think she slapped me across my face and then I passed out. I woke on my living room floor. Doghouse for you, Bernard.
„Yes, Prime Minister."
„Bernard, you poor devil! You are still totally wasted! I feel for you. Once I was that wasted at a meeting in the cabinet." Jim Hacker let out a hearty laugh.
„Yes, Prime Minister."
Frankly I still have hangover.
„Do you still have hangover?"
„Yes, Prime Minister."
„Maybe we'll have a little drinkie, that will get you back into shape, Bernard."
„Yes, Prime Minister."
/
Some squash with Lloyd and more drinkie.
„You've seen Mrs. Harrisson's new drive, right?"
„Of course. Totally awesome!"
„Oh yeah! She told me some strange and disturbing things last night. That in case I should get bored with the civil service, Bartletts wants a new director of government affairs, I'm just the right chap as I know the government in and out and I'm also not a crook and if I wanted it, she can introduce me to some people."
„Bernard, you don't actually consider it...?"
„Of course not! I'm not like her. I'm not an opportunist. I don't think that money is absolutely everything, although in that case it indeed is quite tempting. But I've never really even considered any career outside of civil service! Anyway, the fact that they are looking, is just a subtle way of saying that there's another major blow-up coming from The City soon. But I might just look into it to piss Appleby off. All those White Fish Authority threats are quite frankly starting to lose their credibility."
„He's been a real douchebag again?"
„That sums it up quite accurately, yes."
„What happened?"
„Let's say I'm fed up with his authoritarian style of leadership. There are not too many things I can do though. And certainly I cannot subvert his authority overtly. That would be like challenging the reigning champion of all four Grand Slams. He's very clever, knows the game better than I do and will have me outclassed with not much effort. Sir Frank is no chump, but he was neatly put in the corner. Very neatly in fact. Twice in fact. The only thing I can imagine doing and getting away with is helping the PM one way or another, that has always worked in the past, but the problem is, he's very indecisive and easily changes today what he decided yesterday. I need more leverage than that."
/
That Moore schmuck started picking a fight again at the state funeral of all places. He said that I'm a complete moron and I've gone up through the ranks so fast only because whatever Appleby orders me to do, I execute with utmost precision and speed without asking any difficult questions and always wipe all his embarrassing screw-ups under the carpet. I told him that executing these orders with utmost precision and speed without asking any difficult questions and wiping all his embarrassing screw-ups under the carpet demands extremely high qualification and a very rare specialized skill-set. That shut him up. Also, that was pretty witty of me I think.
/
Bernard smiled while he looked at the brief of unfinished business and a list of questions, which Lloyd had given to him.
Oh, memories, memories... there's a lot of old trash that's very unsportsmanlike to bring out now. But there are some I can help with, I guess. Open Government and Economy Drive should certainly be picked up from time to time, if they need activity. I can help some with the Buranda fiasco, very embarrassing. St Edward's Hospital debacle, yes, I can help some.
/
Fortunately it was this time of the year when top civil servants played a tennis tournament of their own. Bernard won men's singles second year a row. That at least cheered him up.
„Excellent, Bernard, congratulations! Listen, that thing I said the other day... that you play erratically... was only meant as a joke, you understand that, right? You played most excellently that other day too but it was just not your day I guess." Sir Frank, who had been present at the tournament as one of the umpires, said.
„Oh thank you, Sir Frank, and of course, certainly, I can take a joke."
„You can? Well, thankfully then... I had some concerns because I've never quite figured out your game, Bernard, are you really such a schmuck or you are just playing it." Sir Frank said.
„I'm not quite sure I understand the question, Sir Frank." Bernard gave him a wide-eyed completely blank look.
„Just a joke, Bernard! But talking about schmucks, strangely enough, I had a long discussion with our new governor of the Bank Sir Desmond Glazebrook. It turns out that he has some redeeming qualities – namely wild imagination, he's probably going a little gaga and says things he shouldn't say. Some novel thoughts he came up with. Such as, Sir Humphrey complained to Sir Arnold that you have gone awol or was it amok."
Crikey.
Sir Frank continued with a big grin: „However, removing you or sending you away or sending you downwards don't seem to be options for some reason. It may so happen that you will be put back on a short leash by promoting you... even further above your competence level. Some people, not me of course, but some people might start saying that Sir Humphrey likes to promote complete schmucks to make himself look better in comparison. That's all of course Glazebrook's imagination. Excellent conversation, Bernard, thankfully since you are such a schmuck, you did not understand a word I was saying."
„By „a word" you actually mean „a word" as a singular, I assume, Sir Frank."
What do you say, some interesting options may suddenly show up after all.
/
The Oxford Dictionary defines „opportunity" as „a time or set of circumstances that makes it possible to do something". A set of circumstances came up totally out of the blue and I could have a little laugh at the expense of my boss. Getting the tape was easy as the BBC producer is my old friend from Oxford and he owed me a favour. Well, now the PM owes me big time.
Sir Humphrey's radio interview was a major screw-up, quite embarrassing in fact, and made me think maybe he is not that infallible. Sir Humphrey sort of appeared like he might fall off the wagon again. Even sad and not all that confident. If he knew about my hand in it, I would be toast of course.
/
„Bernard. Purely hypothetically speaking, do you want to run DAA?"
We've already had this purely hypothetical conversation two years ago. The Carrot! Don't look too excited about it.
„Purely hypothetically speaking: no."
„Why not?"
„I don't think I have enough qualification to take a job with such big responsibility and my children are still growing and... and... and I'm not interested in power."
„Too bad, my dear Bernard, because it may not be purely hypothetical. It's official now. The new Permanent Secretary of DAA is stepping down in three months, voluntarily. He stuffed his nose into radioactive waste, so to speak, and now cannot take the heat and clean up his mess. Was not up to taking a job with such a big responsibility, alas. I need to find a replacement. Somebody who is sound. Somebody, who can put the fire out with upmost speed and precision. Somebody who is able to wipe the screw-ups of this incompetent schmuck under the carpet. Quite frankly, you, my dear Bernard, are the only one in the higher ranks of the civil service, who possesses such unique skill-set. Sure, you might still be too inexperienced... besides you said you are not interested... that's a shame."
„Well, if it is not purely hypothetical, then I would need to weigh all pros and cons and discuss it with my wife, before I can say anything further."
„By all means." Sir Humphrey said. „But you should know that nothing is decided yet. It could go one way or another. By the way, it may interest you that for the security concerns, I had a look into your MI-5 file."
Well, I have nothing substantial to hide. I've done many things wrong, but I have never done anything REALLY WRONG sort of wrong that has security implications.
„That poor schmuck who compiled it must be really upset with you Bernard. The file is quite large, very unsportsmanlike and filled with many embarrassing details and quite frankly... portrays you as a complete – what was that current term – „douchebag"."
That's okay then, I'm quite used to being embarrassed and called names. But if Moore really fabricated something, that isn't true, then his extremely indescreet phonecall might come out just as well.
„It starts with, on the very first page, that the first thing you did when I promoted you to The Principal Private Secretary in DAA, was buying yourself a Bentley." Sir Humphrey laughed. „I personally don't mind, it was a very nice car after all, but the report comments on it in an unfavourable light that it may not be entirely appropriate for a civil servant and you have a desire to show-off. And of course you upgraded to a newer model the moment I promoted you to No 10. I can only wonder which car you are going to buy, once I make you a Permanent Secretary, my dear Bernard."
Ah daydreams, daydreams, very tempting... considering alternatives, which one to buy, quite honestly... every day... not now, snap out of it!
„What else is in there?"
Sir Humphrey was rather amused. „There's a substantial number of pages dedicated to you getting into some silly bar fights... also smashing a window... getting tickets for speeding several times... some embarrassing encounters that Mrs. Woolley should not know about... also Swiss bank account statements... transcripts of embarrassing jokes at the expense of the cabinet, you've told in the tennis club... photos of you playing tennis with your shorts inside-out... Nothing compromising, of course, but all gravely embarrassing, my dear Bernard."
Well, my wife would absolutely love to know everything about the Swiss account statements, but indeed she shouldn't. And that silly Hall chick at the tennis club – everybody knows she's in MI-5 and that's exactly the main reason why we keep on telling those jokes in front of her, that's the whole point of the game, to see how much you can get away with, right? And shorts? Is it really the best that this Moore schmuck could come up with?
„While I indeed feel most awfully embarrassed by all this, none of it is exactly top secret. Besides all of it is so common a practise that it's hardly worth any mentioning."
„Quite right, Bernard. And if MI-5 spend their time and budget going through such nonsense worthy of gossip rags, that might be the thin end of the wedge, right Bernard?"
„Yes, Sir Humphrey." Bernard laughed.
„I don't need MI-5 telling me this sort of trivialities! I want information!" Sir Humphrey seemed to be very suddenly turning angry again. „So I pushed them harder! And they came up with real information this time. Such as the author of this report quotes you saying „wiping all Appleby's embarrassing screw-ups under the carpet demands extremely high qualification and a very rare specialized skill-set". Really, Bernard, this is not hilarious, in fact this is very insolent! But it gets even worse than that! Apparently you have been conversating with Sir Frank! Behind my back! Twice!"
„First, Sir Humphrey, this quote is not exact. The author of this... marvellous piece of fiction has ripped something he thinks I said completely out of it's appropriate context. Second, conversating is maybe not the most appropriate term for my interactions with Sir Frank. I played tennis with him once, because he challenged me. And the second time could be better described as one-sided gross verbal abuse, as he told me what a schmuck I am. That certainly is not true!"
„Oh really." Sir Humphrey's tone was getting very sharp. „Did you meet with that BBC producer expressly to have yourself insulted as well?"
Sooo that one came out. Alright, alright, checkmate again and back to business as usual.
„Oh that? I'm not sure that I follow, Sir Humphrey. I was just catching up with a very old friend of mine. We spoke about cars and sports. Why'd he insult me? Wonderful chap!" Bernard gave his boss a completely blank innocent expression.
Crikey! What if that too comes out that I told Lloyd some details about DAA affaires? Another spanking? Does he know about my involvment in this?
„Oh that face again, Berrrnnaarrrddd. Almost worthy of a politician! Caught with your... shorts inside out? If you should by any chance conclude that you want to move further up in the ranks of civil service, then DON'T dabble into politics! And DON'T question my authority! As I said earlier, the appointment can go one way or another. If you want to move up, then you must pull yourself together! The choice is entirely yours, my dear Bernard!"
FIN.