following the events of 2x21 "Funeral", Rachel realizes how much her friends were effected by Jesse's harsh words and how her relationship with him is not what it's supposed to be.
the first part (in italics) is a dream sequence. the dashes ( - ) indicate a changed setting/scene. i hope that makes sense. i wasn't sure how else to describe the change (any suggestions about that, btw?).
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happy reading!
~ matchbook
- Jesse introducing himself to me officially.
"Hi, I'm Jesse, the guy whose crazy about you, and would never do anything to hurt you." We hug.
- My first kiss with Finn. It's rushed, to say the least, but it feels so right.
- Jesse and I in the hallway talking. I'm laughing at something he's just said and he smiles at me- a genuine smile.
- Waiting for our performance to start at Regionals last year; standing with Finn behind the isle curtains.
"Break a leg."
"I love you."
- Getting Jesse's phone call to meet him in the school parking lot, feeling my heart break as he proves his loyalty to his old team.
Finn and Puck and all of the boys ready to defend me. They didn't all like me then- heck, they may not even like me now- but I'm their team mate, and that's what mattered.
- My first "Diva Sleepover" with Mercedes and Kurt, my new best friends. Mercedes says something funny and Kurt and I laugh so hard.
- Accepting the MVP award from everyone after we won Regionals this year. I remember how great I had felt to finally be a part of something great.
- Jesse kissing me the other day. Feeling terrible now as I realize how fake it had felt and how I'd ignored that, in favor of feeling wanted by him again.
- Hearing what Jesse had said to Santana, Kurt, and Mercedes after their auditions. Seeing how defeated Kurt had looked, how angry Santana and Mercedes had been.
- Singing "Jar of Hearts" at prom. I still missed Finn; I missed talking to him and just spending time with him, but I had finally moved on. Yes, I still miss him, but I'm done pining after him, waiting for him, expecting him to take me back. I'm done making excuses for myself. I am moving on now.
The climax of "Defying Gravity" wakes me up. The song, combined with the illuminating flashbacks I'd had while dreaming light a flame of determination inside me. I have to make things right again.
After going to my own locker to trade out my books and other class supplies, I head to Brittany's locker, where she's with Santana.
"Santana?" I ask gently, hoping she's in a good mood today.
"What can I do for, Berry?" she answers with a smirk.
"Well, I- um, I wanted to apologize to you for what Jesse said. I know that it was he who said it, but I'm sorry I made no effort to stop him. You're my team mate, Santana, and that should've come before my own desires to be with Jesse again. So, I'm sorry."
She nods and smiles slightly. "Thanks. Um, I guess we're cool now," she replies with a shrug.
"Good." I smile more brightly now. We exchange quick goodbyes before I turn and make my way back down the hallway.
Mercedes and Kurt give me cold looks as I approach them at Mercedes' locker before first period.
"What do you want, Rachel?" Mercedes asks, rolling her eyes.
"I know you two are mad at me. I don't blame you at all. I just want to talk with you. After school today, maybe? We could go get some coffee?" I explain gently, expecting them to decline.
"I was going to go hang out with Blaine after school, actually," Kurt says shortly.
"It won't take very long. He can come along too, if he wants," I try again.
"What did you want to talk about exactly?" Mercedes asks skeptically.
"I wanted to apologize. And ask your advice about something. I feel bad about what happened with the auditions, and I just want to try to make it up to you somehow. I understand how immaturely I acted, and I feel really bad. You two are my best friends, and," I take a breath, sighing, "I just wish I had remembered that sooner."
My two friends exchange a look and Kurt nods slightly before answering. "Fine. We'll meet at the Lima Bean around 3?"
"Perfect." I accept, smiling.
At 2:50 pm (being early shows that you care), I arrive at the Lima Bean and order a hot chocolate and sit down at a table.
Kurt, Blaine, and Mercedes soon join me and we talk about mundane things for a few minutes, before Mercedes brings up our original reason for meeting.
"You said you wanted to talk to us, Rachel?"
"Yes, I did- I mean, I do. I am very sorry for my behavior last Friday. I saw how rude Jesse was being to everyone and I simply ignored it because of my own personal issues and insecurities, and I feel terrible about it," I explain to my friends.
"I don't understand how you could still trust him! He comes out of nowhere- after failing out of college, no less, and all of a sudden your past with him is unimportant? Did he even apologize to you? I mean, really apologize?" Kurt asks heatedly.
"I get all caught up with him, Kurt. I don't know why- I wish I did! It's like I'm hypnotized and all I can focus on his how much musical chemistry we have and how great of a performer he is," I state, flailing slightly as I attempt to explain my internal conflict.
"Did he ever sincerely apologize, though, Rachel?" Blaine asks, taking a sip of his coffee.
"No." I feel like crying as I realize that he'd never actually went out of his way to apologize- and when he had, it was with his signature St. James smug grin on his face. "Oh god, I'm such an idiot. He broke my heart and I just forgave him because he smiled at me." My voice cracks and Blaine touches my arm comfortingly.
"You're not an idiot, Rachel. He knows your weaknesses because he has the same ones. He used that to get to you. Don't take all the blame for the things he said."
"But it's my fault! I let him tear everyone down! How could I betray you like that? I'm a terrible friend! I'm never going to be able to have friends if I get to Broadway. I'll be too wrapped up in my own stupid world to remember what it feels like to actually have people care about me." My voice cracks again and I feel tears welling up in my eyes.
"You just need someone there to remind you who you are," Mercedes says. "And don't listen to Jesse! Just because he won Nationals doesn't mean he knows what it's like. Us four, we have soul! I didn't need to really practice for my audition because I'd sung the song a hundred times on my own because I just liked doing it!" she continues, smiling encouragingly. She turns to Kurt. "When we all sang at your dad's wedding, we did it for fun and because we wanted to make their party special, not because people would tell us how great we were- which we were, by the way," she says, smirking playfully and I smile.
"And eventually it really doesn't matter how talented you are; if you have a terrible attitude and no one likes you, you're not going to get hired. And from what I've heard from Kurt, it sounds like Jesse seriously needs a wake-up call when it comes to how talented he actually is. You guys know how talented you are, but you don't go around arrogantly acting like you can do absolutely everything," Blaine adds.
We all nod. There's a moment or two of silence, where I sit and think about what everyone's said so far.
"You said something about advice earlier? What's that about?" Mercedes inquires.
"Oh, I want to somehow tell Jesse all of this, but whenever he's around I act like I did last week and forget what's important to me. I got over Finn-."
"Your solo at prom was amazing, by the way! I don't remember if I mentioned that already or not, but it was." Kurt cuts in.
"Aww, thank you. I felt that it was a nice way to get my feelings across. I sang the song I did for my audition, though, because, I honestly still do love him. I'm over waiting for him to leave Quinn, finally, but I still love him. Is that wrong? Does that mean I'm not really over him?" I ask sighing, before taking a sip of my drink.
"Your song didn't necessarily mean that you're not over him. You can still love him; now you just love him from afar, in a different way than you did before," Kurt adds. "Your focus right now should be Jesse though. What do you want to say to him?"
"Right," I agree, sighing. "Well, he needs to know that he needs to earn my trust, and I made a mistake trusting him so easily after all of our history. And he needs to respect my team mates. He doesn't have to be friends with you, but he cannot make rude comments to people. It's both unprofessional and utterly disrespectful. If he wants to be with me, he has to be nice!"
"Either he's secretly a very lonely person, or everyone at Carmel was just insane, because there's no way he would ever make friends at McKinley with his attitude," Mercedes says and we agree.
"Being in Vocal Adrenaline made him overly-confident," I continue. "Did you know that they don't even go to most of their classes? Their booster club hires people to go to their math and science classes for them so they don't have to. That's why he failed out of UCLA, he only went to his theater and music classes."
"How has their club not been shut down by now? There's no way that's legal!" Mercedes adds and we all nod.
"So, you're going to talk to him soon?" Blaine prompts gently.
"Yes. I guess I'll call Jesse tonight and tell him that I've been enlightened. If he wants to have any sort of relationship with me, then he has to prove it, he can't just smile and expect that everything will magically be alright again," I state determinedly.
"Is that so?" a familiar voice says coolly.
I turn around in my chair to see Jesse standing a yard or two away. I hear my three friends murmuring quietly to each other for a moment. Kurt reaches across the table and takes my hand. Jesse takes a few steps toward me, closing some of the distance.
"It is," I say confidently, squeezing Kurt's hand once before I stand up. "I was wrong to trust you so readily when you came back, Jesse. And I was wrong for letting you disrespect my friends, my team mates. My audition could've been better, Jesse, we both know I didn't measure up to Barbra! And yet you thought I did a great job, while everyone else sucked." I gesture behind me and glance back at my friends. "I betrayed my best friends and I feel awful for it. But I feel worse for you, Jesse, because you don't have friends. You have fans, and you have followers, but I doubt you have anyone who actually understands you and likes you for who you are."
"You understand me, Rachel. I know you do. I can see it every time you perform! You know what it's like to want to be famous, to be admired and loved," Jesse replies, taking a step forward.
"No. I understand your goals, but I will never understand your methods, Jesse," I snarl, holding back angry tears that I feel sparking in my eyes. "The song I sang at prom? I should've directed it at you too."
"Oh, come on, Rachel. You can't make it big without stepping on some toes. You of all people should know that! You're going to be great one day, Rachel! Don't let other people hold you back! They'll never really understand what it's like, Rachel, to want what we want," he says in his mocking yet soothing voice. And for a moment I almost believe him, but then I remember how I got to be standing her at this very moment.
"No. Jesse. Just, no. You don't get to do this. Not again, not to me," I say, squaring my shoulders.
"Fine," he replies. Something shimmers in his eyes, but then it's gone after only half a second. He nods curtly, glances coldly at my friends at our table, and leaves.
After the glass door closes behind him, my shoulders drop and I can feel tears pricking at my eyes again. Someone touches my arm, and look up to see Mercedes smiling sadly at me. I take a breath and smile back.
We walk silently back to the table, where Blaine and Kurt are wearing similar expressions.
Kurt smiles warmly as I sit down and Blaine pats my shoulder.
Eventually, Blaine breaks the comfortable silence that settles and a lively conversation starts about our glee clubs; Blaine talks about how The Warblers have been working on material to sing at the graduation ceremony this year, and we all talk about how awesome New York City is. Soon, we decide we should all head home, so I hug my friends goodbye and drive home.
It's almost time for bed now, but I feel like I have something more I need to do. Clicking the play button on my computer, I start my rendition of "Jar of Hearts". At first I feel like crying again, but I compose myself and continue on. The song ends, and I smile to myself for a moment, remembering my day, before closing my laptop for the night.
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