Magnus was crying.
Well, he wasn't really crying, sort of. He liked to think of it as an outlet, a sort of therapy. He wasn't the kind that cried, really.
Except that the dull, throbbing ache in his chest wasn't going away, even with the tears leaking out of his eyes. Well, that person who said crying makes you feel better can go crap himself. He did feel a kind of release, but it still sucked anyway.
It had been a while since he found out about Alec. How he consorted with Camille to well, shorten his life. That would practically kill him. With his immortal life quenched, all the years would come down upon him at once, and he'd resemble some sort boulder of shifting sand and dust.
Not like Alec cared, anyway.
The betrayal felt like sharp needle points. Those that pierced through your skin, drew blood, and never allowed you to heal.
It was difficult to form in words. The pain. Somehow it got lost in the thunderstorm of emotions, and he'd grown numb to it all. First, there was the dull anger. Yet the anger stemmed from hurt. When the love of your life just can't trust you and never forgave you for being something you are! He was immortal, whether he liked it or not, and Alec just couldn't live with that.
He knew Alec was insecure. But he wasn't trivial, not at all. There was never one like him. Even the love he gave to Camille, it was a sort of emotional attachment, not the selfless giving kind that came so easy to him when he was with Alec.
But never mind that. Pain, love, heartbreak - sometimes it's all the same thing isn't it? And he'd never had imagined Alec would give up on him like that. All those promises of "I love you", all the guards that Magnus had let down, all those sacrifices he had made for the one he loved. It had all come down to nothing.
Magnus had been hurt far too many times to blame it on love. Love comes and goes, its fickle heart building and tearing down bridges without any consideration for time or place.
But Alec! He'd never thought Alec would betray him like this. Even through the darkest times Magnus had thought that he would be honest. That he could count on him, at least, to be there when the days were weary.
The apartment was dark, gray and dusty. He had no will to clean, no will to decorate. He simply wore the plainest gray shirt and pants he could find in his wardrobe, and hadn't bothered to put make up on. Lanky, long hair dusted his forehead. His eyes, devoid of glitter, seemed small and sore and tired.
His phone next to the television buzzed again, incessantly. He stiffened. 14 dials. Alec had been calling and calling.
And frankly, he didn't care.
He's too experienced, too old to know when a relationship is over for good. He'd lost Alec a long time ago. When Jace disappeared, he just knew. It was as if all the insecurities Alec had bottled up inside him drained him of his warmth. He was cold and strange, only showing up at Magnus' when he needed favors or sex. Even after that he would just turn with his back to Magnus on the bed. Magnus was afraid to ask. Yet he knew. He was good at reading people, and Alec was like an open book to him.
Something in his heart had died. Was it not wrong to ask Alec to accept him as who he was, no questions asked? Once upon a time he'd given his memories away to his lovers, and when they died or left him, the parts he gave them died as well. And that has happened so so many times that he'd learnt his lesson finally. Love, but don't let them see who he truly is. Self preservation. So that when the ones he loved turned to ashes, he wouldn't feel that lonely or heartbroken. He has a millennia to live.
And Alec, the one so special, the one that he'd fallen in love with at first sight - had broken his heart.
Hell, he still loved him. As deep as the earth's molten core. But mortals and immortals don't belong together. There's no way at all. He couldn't trust Alec that he'd be able to be happy with him.
Magnus sat alone in his filthy apartment, thinking, thinking, thinking. There was so much to lose in this world. Everything was bleak and dark, and whispered of dust and death.