You're Pretty Messed Up, Too
Chapter 1 (Learning New Things)

"Hello, Professor. I'd like to see Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy, please." Normally Kingsley would have just called the pair by their first names, but he was acting as a ministry official right now, not an Order member and friend.

"Of course," the headmaster said, bowing graciously, "but may I know the nature of the visit? As of yet, the ministry has never deigned to interrupt a class here and pull a student out."

Normally Dumbledore would have been a good deal nicer as well, but this was how he conversed with ministry officials, and so it had to be done.

"The nature of the visit is confidential. I'm very sorry."

Dumbledore leaned in to murmur into Kingsley's ear: "Molly's serving dinner tonight at headquarters. Meatloaf."

"I'll be there," the other man said, chuckling quietly.

"And I'll be sure to tell Molly later. I'll be right back to fetch Harry and Hermione, or would you rather come with me?"

"I'll come with you. I'd like to see how they manage in their classes." Kingsley snapped back into ministry mode.

"All right then, right this way."

For ten minutes they walked in silence up and down the gently gliding staircases, and twice they were stopped by Peeves, who relented at last when Dumbledore called out for the Bloody Baron- the only ghost in existence that could actually scare the poltergeist. At last they reached the Arithmancy classroom, and the two men were stunned to see the room in such a state of disarray. Dumbledore raised his eyebrows at Professor Vector, who taught the class.

"A young girl came in here holding a- a- I don't know what it was, but it started laying flaming eggs, and catching people on fire, and she was calling it some ridiculous pet name, trying to get it to stop-"

"It was Luna Lovegood," a voice said. Hermione stepped forward. "In her defense, she thought it was just a snorkack, sir."

"What was it, really?" Kingsley asked, still using his ministry voice. Professor Vector began to whimper about losing his job.

"It was... it was an ashwinder, sir," Hermione said, looking down at the floor as though it were her fault- she had always been a wonderful actress. She didn't know why Kingsley was here, but she knew it wasn't for a proper inspection.

"And you didn't know how to defend yourself against it?" Kingsley demanded of Vector.

"I- I teach Arithmancy, not Care of Magical Damned Creatures!"

"I'll deal with you later," Kingsley said offhandedly, nevertheless causing quite a hush as the students heard this. If they hadn't been eavesdropping before, they certainly were now.

"Miss Granger, if you would follow me to Professor Dumbledore's office." Now, an even greater hush. 'Is Granger in trouble?' 'Serves her right, the know-it-all.' 'I wonder if she's graduating early.' 'Merlin, I hope so.' Hermione was hurt as she heard the whispers around the room and so surprised everyone, even herself, by giving a rude gesture behind her back as she followed Kingsley and Dumbledore into the corridor.

"Now, Hermione, that was rather inappropriate, don't you think?" Dumbledore asked, eyes twinkling.

"I'm very sorry, sir. My temper got out of hand."

"That isn't an issue, Miss Granger," Kingsley said. "Where you're going, that will help you out a lot."

"Where exactly am I going?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out."

They made their way to the grounds on the other side of the castle where Harry was coaching the Gryffindor Quidditch team, getting ready for one of the pivotal matches of the year. If they won, they were two victories away from winning the cup- if they lost, they were in third place for the season for sure.

"If you'll excuse me, Harry, we need to borrow you for a moment."

"No problem, Professor. I'll be right back, guys, keep doing your warm-up, okay?" Harry jogged over to the three observers. "Is there something wrong?" he asked, glancing between their faces.

"I'm going to need you to come up to Professor Dumbledore's office," Kingsley said, devoid of any emotion.

"Er, let me go tell my team that." He winced at the loud yells emitting from the practice area.

"Professor Snape, may I borrow Mr. Malfoy for a moment?" Kingsley asked without really asking.

"Of course. Draco, please see the man outside."

"We're going to need him for quite a while. He will need to bring his things."

"Fine. Draco, pack your things. Your assignment was written on the board. Two foot essay on the advantages and disadvantages of using powdered unicorn horn in potions regarding love and other such emotions."

"Yes, sir."

"There have been many rumors that the Dark Lord is in the States, in Washington."

"Can I go back to class now?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Malfoy, I would have thought being Head Boy would have gotten you to be at least a little less of an arse, but apparently it's just making your ego even bigger."

"And I didn't think your teeth could get any bigger, but we all have our off days, now don't we?"

"Will the two of you shut up?" Harry asked, sick of the bickering.

"I will when he will."

"You aren't going to be quiet for a long time, Granger."

"Don't give yourself airs, Malfoy!"

"Hermione, Draco. Kindly control yourselves. You are in the presence of a ministry official and your headmaster, so you may wish to reconsider saying the things doubtlessly going through your pubescent young minds." Kingsley had snapped. Enough was enough. The Head students glared at each other, but remained silent. "Dumbledore, would you care to explain the purpose of this impromptu meeting?"

The old man smiled. "I was under the impression this was confidential, Kingsley."

"If it's confidential, you must leave."

"I will explain to them what is going on. I'd rather like to see the looks on their faces."
Hermione's brows knitted together; Harry sighed; Malfoy continued to stare out the window.

"As Kingsley said before, there have been rumors that the Dark Lord is in Washington. He's said to be in a small town called Forks. You three have had remarkably high involvement in the war so far, both positive and negative, and have shown to be very... what is that word... self-commanding, and therefore are most likely to be able to endure Auror-like training."

"I- I'm going to be an Auror? But- but- oh, just wait 'till my father hears about this!" Malfoy grinned widely.

"Considering your father's state in Azkaban, I don't think he'd really care!" Kingsley said sharply. "Now, moving on. You are not going to be Aurors. You are going to undergo similar training, learn advanced techniques of difficult magics, such as Occlumency and Legilimency without eye contact. You will also learn many things about what American Muggle teenagers think and talk about, what they think we as the British are like, what music they listen-"

"Why are we learning all that?" Malfoy interrupted.

Again, Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "We're obviously going there, oh intelligent one."

"Not spending every minute of every day with my nose stuck in a book doesn't make me stupid. With a face like that, though, I'm not surprised you do it so often."

Harry had to physically restrain Hernione from hurting Malfoy.

"As Hermione said, yes, you are going there. Recently we've been trying to find somebody to act as a parental figure for you, but since Mrs. Weasley refused to do so unless Ronald was allowed to go- which he is not- she and her husband are not options. Our second plan was for Remus and Nymphadora Lupin to go with you, but since Nymphadora is currently pregnant, her baby's appearance would be far too unstable for an environment with that many humans around. As a final resort, we are sending along Sirius Black. I know he isn't exactly the most perfect fatherly figure in the world, but he may be able to keep you all from killing each other. Merlin's sake, calm down, Hermione!" Hermione had been sending withering glares at Malfoy thoughtout Kingsley's entire speech, and when Malfoy sent her a rather rude gesture involving a single finger, Harry had to return to physically holding her back.

"That sounds great, Kingsley. Having Sirius there ought to make it fun," Harry said, grinning widely.

"Oh, yes, tons," Malfoy drawled. "Rooming with the Boy Who Didn't Die, the Mudblood, and the Blood Traitor. Perfect holiday, that. When do I get to go on this lovely trip?"

"You will be leaving for the Auror training area in, I don't know, twenty minutes, would you say, Kingsley?"

"Twenty minutes?" Hermione's voice was shrill.

"What about all our things?" Malfoy said, showing alarm for the first time.

"They are being collected by the house elves as we speak," Kingsley provided. "You will share a carriage on the way to the train, where you will be in a compartment with an American
wizard by the name of David Collins. He will explain to you some of the finer laws of magic in America, and will get you to the airport from the station. From there you are to follow the laws he has told you. From what I know, even Harry can perform magic as long as no non-magical beings can see it. For example, a Muggle couldn't see you perform the magic. A vampire, however, is legally allowed, as is a were-wolf, a pixie, or any other magical creature you may encounter."

"That's stupid, calling them creatures," Hermione said, so calmly that Harry felt the need to back away. Usually it was her quietly angry voice she used right before her wand started shooting out demonic birds.

"Well, they're not human," Malfoy said, rolling his eyes.

"Technically, neither are we. We're just as much creatures as vampires are." Her voice was rising.

Malfoy looked taken aback. "Really?"

"Yes, really," Dumbledore said, nodding gravely. "I believe Miss Granger is right, Mr. Malfoy. It would not be right of you to look down upon them for being creatures of the dark. It would be very... hypocritical."

This seemed to shut Malfoy up for the time being.

"Now, after you board the plane, you're on your own. I have no idea where you are going. I would appreciate it if you kept in contact with us at least for the first few weeks."

"Weeks?" Even Dumbledore stiffened a bit at the volume of Malfoy's voice.

"Yes, weeks," Kingsley said, irritated by the boy. "As I was saying, I have no idea what you will be doing once you get there. That's between you three, Sirius, and the American government."

Hermione smiled. Harry sighed. Malfoy frowned.

"I believe your coach is here," Dumbledore said, and as if on queue, Dobby appeared.

"Time for you to go, Mr. Potter, sir, Miss Granger, ma'am, and..." despite his orders, he trailed off at Malfoy's name.

"Mr. Malfoy?" Hermione supplied, laughing into the hand she had held up against her mouth.

"Yes, very sorry, Mr. Malfoy, sir, time to go."

As the group left, Professors McGonagall and Snape stepped out of a classroom and into the corridor. "I just wanted to congratulate you on being chosen to do this, Harry, Hermione. It's an honor to be trusted so much."

"Draco, please do not hesitate to write if these two give you any... problems at all."

Malfoy smirked. "I can't wait, sir."

"Same for you two. If he does anything, tell Sirius; I'm sure he wouldn't mind recreating the bouncing ferret incident." However irate she had been with Moody at the time, Harry and Hermione knew that she'd secretly enjoyed seeing Malfoy get what he deserved.

She stood up straighter and walked primly down the corridor, Snape following quickly after.

Dobby looked from face to face, confused. "B- bouncing f- f- ferret?"

Hermione smiled gently. "Just keep going, Dobby. It's nothing of consequence."

"Yes, Miss Granger, Dobby will mind his own business."

"That wasn't what-" Hermione started, but stopped at the look Harry was giving her. "Thank you, Dobby."

A/N: I fixed the spacing especially for you, KJS X-OVER! I hope you like it- I don't think I'll be updating it for a while, I'm having some serious writers' block. I keep writing, and deleting, and writing, and deleting (repeat).