Mr Mom

Well,

There's a smell in the main tank drier,

Crayons go up one drawer higher,

Re-wind 'Barney' for the 15th time,

Breakfast six,

Nap's at nine,

There's bubble-gum in the baby's hair,

Sweet potatoes in my lazy chair,

Been crazy all day long

And it's only Monday.

Mr Mom.

"I'll be back in time for Christmas!" She'd said. Well that was then and now, all he wanted was for her to be back already, leaving him alone with the kids, already they'd nearly burnt the house down and the bathroom had been flooded at least twice and she only left yesterday. When Tifa had said she wanted to expand seventh heaven and was going to look for another property, Cloud had thought he'd be in for a nice quite time at home, maybe watch some TV, take a nap, and drink a few beers. But when he'd walked back into the living room after waving Tifa off, and had found Marlene and Denzel crouched over the fireplace, a humongous pile of wood in the grill and a box of matches slowly disappearing in Denzel's fingers, he knew it wasn't going to be quite as peaceful as maybe he'd hoped.

After sending them both upstairs to wash off the soot and dirt, he'd set about tidying up the mess of burnt out matches, crumbs of bark and the soot that seemed to have spread itself everywhere. It was only when he heard the sound of running water accompanied by worried squeaks and squeals that he'd sussed maybe something was amiss. He started at the bottom of the stairs at a normal pace. But by the top he was taking them two at a time; the sight of bubbly water running down the hall seemed to have stepped on his accelerator.

He'd crashed through the bathroom door to see the pair of children on their hands and knees, miserably trying to clear up the water with some very wet towels and what appeared to be the entire box full of bog roll. They all stayed in silence for a moment, Denzel and Marlene exchanging worried glances, Cloud just looking from one child to the other and back again, his brain painfully making note of the amount of time this was going to take to sort out, he only hoped it hadn't soaked through to the kitchen, or Tifa would gut them all when she got back.

Eventually cloud said, "Go use the shower in Tifa's room," Then he turned to leave, "And I'll go get the mop and bucket..." He muttered under his breath, silently rueing the day Tifa decided to leave him with the children.

After cleaning the bathroom and disposing of the sodden toilet rolls, Cloud decided to go take a look at the kitchen ceiling to make sure the water hadn't soaked through. Luckily it hadn't, and while he was in there, Cloud supposed he might as well try his hand at a bit of cooking. He thought he needed some inspiration so took out one of Tifa's cookbooks and flipped it open. A recipe caught his eye and, taking a few quick looks at it, he set about chopping things, (getting out plasters,) boiling water, (running the cold tap,) Frying stuff, (Extinguishing the fire) until finally it was ready (He'd realised he really didn't have a clue and so had given up trying.). He put the plates down in front of the newly washed and dressed children and told them to choose. They looked from plateful of unidentifiable black stuff to plateful of unidentifiable black stuff, then up at Cloud, the tell tale you're-really-not-expecting-us-to-eat-this-'stuff'-are-you? expressions showing quite clearly on their little faces. He sat down, pulled a plate towards him and muttered "Shuddup 'n' eat your charcoal..."

The next day, Cloud was woken up by a knocking at his door, scrubbing his eyes he called out, "Yarrh? Whaff's swong?"

The reply came, "Its breakfast time Cloud."

Sitting up he called back that he'd be down in a while, then dragged himself into the bathroom and ran the shower. After getting out, getting dressed and making his way downstairs, he found the two children sat at an empty table, looking hopefully at him. He raised an eyebrow, then walked into the kitchen, skirting the stove. He decided after last night that the stove and he were not friends. Instead he went to the fridge, got out some milk, fetched the cereal from the cupboard and went back to put them on the table in front of the kids. Marlene wrinkled her nose and Denzel's face dropped visibly at the sight of the fibrous 'food'. But they poured it all into the bowls anyway, literally, all of it.

Grabbing the now empty carton of milk from Marlene, Cloud huffed out a sigh in dismay at all the cleaning he would have to do. The Kids finished their breakfast then went upstairs to clean themselves up, leaving Cloud to clean the table and the surrounding flooring of the spilt milk. It was then that he heard the bathroom door swing open and the sound of water splashing on the floor met his ears. Oh no... not again.. he thought, running up the stairs to find the sink overflowing and a puddle forming rapidly on the floor. Turning off the taps he looked about for the mop he'd left in there last night; just on a whim.

By the end of the day Cloud was certain the kids were out to get him. All but two of his fingers were bandaged, the evidence of trying to get Marlene's moogle doll out of the blender without ripping it, or covering it in blood. He had chewing gum stuck to the back of one of his pairs of jeans and the only other pair that wasn't in the pile to be fixed were what he was wearing and were consequently speckled in blood.

Yuffie had dropped in earlier that day to 'see how he was fairing' and once she had gone, the children had mysteriously acquired a pair of water guns. So after confiscating them and putting them in the highest place he could think of, (on top of the stove) he decided he would take a look in their room, just to make sure they didn't have anything else hidden away that they shouldn't have.

It was upon entering their room that Cloud decided he had made a huge mistake and that he definitely wanted Tifa home ASAP. The moment his foot caught on the trip wire stretched across the door Cloud knew he wasn't going to have an easy time in this room. As he crashed to the ground he caught a glimpse of something colourful scrawled on the wall, but he didn't get a chance to read it before his face connected rather painfully with the ground.

After groaning and rubbing his nose he began getting to his feet, not noticing the plate hanging from the ceiling until it collided with his head. Grunting and rubbing his crown he gave the offending object a good glare before turning around just in time to catch a frying pan in the face. Clutching at his eye, Cloud bent over double moaning over how much his face hurt. After the immediate pain and shock had dissipated, Cloud lifted his head and peered through his fingers. Instant horror surged through him as he stared terrified at the ceiling. Tied in every available spot, covering the entire ceiling, were what appeared to be the entire contents of the pot cupboard in the kitchen, each with its own bit of string ready to swing it into his unsuspecting self if he so much as stepped in the wrong spot. He observed with frightening admiration the intricate network of wires leading to various objects in the room and even some of the floor boards.

Completely in awe, Cloud took a step forward still staring at the pots and pans that covered the roof. The creaking of wooded floor boards caught his attention and he looked on in horror as the other end of the plank he was standing on came up to meet him, a conveniently placed jack-in-the-box popping out to smack him in the face, toppling him over backwards to land on some nice, multicoloured bits of Lego he was sure wasn't there before.

It was in arching his back painfully off the loathsome bits of Lego that Cloud noticed the scrawl he had attempted to read on his first trip to the floor. Even upside down he could tell what it read. "Mind the tripwire."

Well, he supposed, it was nice of them to say...

And so it was, that after a full week of injuries, de-flooding the bathroom, blackened meals, searching for things that weren't actually missing and with nearly the entire contents of Marlene and Denzel's room stored safely on top of the kitchen cabinets, Tifa returned. As soon as the three of them heard the key turning in the lock, they nearly ripped the door off its hinges, grabbing into whatever part of Tifa that they could.

With Marlene and Denzel hugging tight to her legs and Cloud wrapped round her top half; she could only conclude that she had been missed. She was opening her mouth to inquire at the ferocity of their welcome when Cloud landed a kiss on her mouth, leaving her speechless for him to say wearily, "I gotta tell you Teef, you're my hero..."