"Love Song Requiem by Trading Yesterday"
A/N: Hey guys! So I normally don't do songfics, but dayla859 requested that I write one to this song- and holy shit, I highly recommend that you listen to the song first. It's like it was written for Emison, it has Emily's name and describes their relationship perfectly.
Fair warning that this piece is pretty angsty, and yes it is truly just a one-shot. I know I always say one-shot and it turns into full fledged stories but this is just my take on the song and how their relationship could be, unfortunately.
Sorry for any spelling/grammar errors, I'm off my game tonight- wrote this over the last two days. Wanted to get it up before the new episode so I wasn't swayed by anything that happens.
Enjoy!
x-x-x
-Emily will find a better place to fall asleep-
"And trust me if I'm kissing you, it's because it's practice for the real thing," Alison hisses as she gives a serious look to the brunette and watches an ashamed Emily turn away to shut her locker door. When it slams shut with a loud bang, a part of Alison flinches slightly. She should feel satisfied that she just shut the brunette down- now she doesn't have to worry, because surely she doesn't have feelings for her best friend, for a girl. Yet Alison feels deeply unhappy, an unpleasant guilt churning away in her stomach.
But this is for the best. As Emily turns to leave, embarrassed to her core, Ali calls out before she can stop herself from sounding needy.
"Where are you going?" Emily looks at her incredulously and Alison scrambles internally to find a good excuse as to why she stopped her from leaving the awkward situation. "You're my ride, remember?"
Perfect, Emily is going to hate her. At least she won't love her.
The tan swimmer reluctantly stops in her tracks, waiting for the brutally harsh blonde to finish getting dressed. Her eyes flicker anywhere but to Alison, and the blonde continues to mentally convince herself that this is the right decision.
The car ride is brutally silent. Alison has never felt more uncomfortable in her life. She can practically feel Emily's regret rolling off her in waves, and it hits Alison like a train.
If there's one thing Ali's good at, it's observing. Her sharp blue eyes watch as Emily sits rigidly in her seat, her posture abnormally straight and her hands gripping the steering wheel. She notices how pale her knuckles are from clenching the wheel. In fact, her hands are shaking. Her eyes travel upward and see Emily's brown eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
And suddenly, Alison feels something unnatural (she thinks). She feels her own heart ache. And she loathes it. It makes her feel weak, pathetic really. And she reasons that Emily is making her pitifully weak. This is all Emily's fault, confusing her with all these warm feelings of love.
Her fucked up thinking takes over as she keeps her stone cold expression and stares out her window. She needs to make sure Emily is clear that she doesn't have feelings for her. Emily needs to know she's straight. So she thinks of the most cruel thing she could do. And then it comes to her. She'll just threaten Emily to not to tell anyone, she'll tell her Emily that she'll humiliate her if she says a word. Just like how she threatened pigskin. Fucking pigskin.
As Emily pulls up to the DiLaurentis house, Alison prepares herself. She's going to do this, going to destroy Emily. It's only for the best. She takes a deep breath.
As she gathers her bags and opens the door, she says, "Oh, and one more thing Em."
Alison opens the door and turns to tell Emily off. But as her eyes meet those soft brown ones, she falters. A moment of what she perceives to be weakness occurs as Emily looks at her with such a sad expression that Alison can't handle it. "What?" The brunette's hoarse voice cracks as she meets Alison's stern gaze for a moment before staring back at her lap.
And Alison can't answer her. "Nothing, I'll see you later."
With that she exits the car and shuts the door. This is the first time she is sick with guilt, and she'll never forget it.
-She belongs to fairy tales that I could never be-
Alison returns to the barn to see all the girls fast asleep. She shakes her head with exhaustion- how did she think any of them were clever enough to be blackmailing her?
As she circles the barn, she eyes land on a certain brunette curled up fast asleep in a comfy chair- and her heart begins to race. How did she think that Emily of all people could blackmail her? She did hurt her pretty bad, Emily has every reason to hate her- but that's the thing, Alison thinks, Emily doesn't hate people. She is the most forgiving, kind, and compassionate, although meek, soul that she has ever known.
Emily is everything that Alison isn't, and that includes weak. She wishes Emily could see how powerful she could be. If she did, god, she'd be unstoppable. And Alison would be okay with that.
The blonde walks over to where the brunette lays, knocked out on the drugs that Ali had slipped them. She kneels in front of Emily and takes in the quiet peace of the barn. When she'd been in Georgia, she'd been miserable. So miserable that she went and let herself almost get knocked up by a careless boy- no, man. Someone who used her body. And she's never really regretted her physical actions before, but a part of her wishes she would have had the physical intimacy with the very brunette right in front of her. Because she's simply curious, that's her new mantra in her head. Cece had introduced her to the term bi-curious, and surely that's all she is.
Sexual, physical- that's the only way she wants Emily. She doesn't care for her emotionally. Because, as Cece pointed out, goddamn Emily is hot. Not that it took Cece pointing that out for Ali to think that, because she's always thought that Emily was beautiful.
Wait, not beautiful- but rather sexy. Because beautiful is a weighted word. It can associate with so much more than just physical feelings.
And Alison is simply curious, so she leans upwards and brushes Emily's hair out of her face and leans in close. She doesn't know why she feels afraid, she knows Emily is out cold. And she reasons that this is okay, this isn't wrong because she's being gentle, she's being nice. But she kisses Emily slowly, her plump lips landing gently on Emily's still ones. It's a short kiss, and it feels like goodbye- which is ridiculous, Emily will never leave her.
Emily is her safety- the only person she'll let her guard even slightly down around. And, who knows, Alison thinks, maybe Emily will be accepting of the fact that she's curious. Maybe she can get what she believes she wants.
As she looks down, she realizes how peaceful Emily looks. A smile creeps across her face, and she's glad she has Em, glad she has all these girls on her side. They'll protect her no matter what. And so she leaves, happy she's proved none of the girls are this weird, slightly terrifying –A person.
When she shuts the barn door, her eyes linger for just a moment on Emily and she thinks to herself that it's crazy, but she can't stop thinking of her as the most beautiful person she's ever seen.
And that's the last interaction she has with Emily, though unconscious, before the night turns to hell and she is forced to run.
-The future haunts with memories that I could never have-
Alison has to force herself to look away, because this is so wrong. This is wrong on so many levels. She can't just sit here and watch Emily lose her virginity to Maya. But, nevertheless, here she is outside on the roof. What started out as a harmless check-up session on the girls has turned into her worst nightmare.
This is like a train wreck that Alison can't escape. As clothes come off inside Spencer's room, she feels herself begin to tense up and shake with anger. That…that…that slut should not touch her perfect mermaid. Emily is her mermaid.
Her time away has helped her come to terms with the fact that maybe she is bi, not bi curious, and maybe she does have real feelings for Emily. Cause God knows she's missed Emily a shit ton.
And she's kicking herself in the ass because she has had thoughts of possibly surprising Emily, possibly visiting and possibly confessing her undying love in secrecy. But she knows it's too dangerous, and she doesn't want to get Emily killed by her stupidity and her moments of weakness. She can't help but wonder though if she had managed to meet with her in privacy if this would still be happening right in front of her eyes- and holy fucking shit, she can't help but stare because Emily is kneeling on the bed, topless, and Alison's jaw drops because she's never been more attracted to someone. Her eyes are fixed on those soft round breasts and smooth tan skin.
But as Maya pushes Emily backwards and gets on top of her, Alison shudders with pain and turns away, tears threatening to fall as she scrambles down the tree. She doesn't care if they all hear her at this point, let them think what they will- she just needs to get away. With a heavy thud, her feet hit the ground and she runs away as fast as she can. She's not being careful, for all she knows –A could be watching her, getting ready to kill her. But she's not thinking, because she can't get that image out of her mind, of Emily being someone else's.
(When she comes to her senses later, she realizes it's something she's probably going to have to learn to live with)
She doesn't know who she was trying to fool before- she has always loved Emily, and this is heartbreak at its worst. She's not sure she can even fathom what the hell Emily felt when she heard Alison was dead.
She manages to contact Noel and meet him at his cabin house, and she's not thinking straight. He opens the door and she goes right up to him and throws herself at the devious boy, their lips fight for dominance and it feels so wrong. His hands are rough and his lips aren't kind and sweet. When she tries to stop and leave, he won't really let her go.
His hands grip at her shirt and pin her down on the bed, and what could be a playful interaction is suddenly an unpleasant moment for Ali.
"Come on, you want this," Noel persuades and Alison's whole body hurts with heartbreak radiating through her so she lets herself be used again, lets someone put their hands all over her. It forever haunts her that those hands aren't Emily's, because she forgets what Emily feels like, forget what she tastes like- and she regrets everything about this night. It's another night that she won't forget, as much as she wants to.
- And hope is just a stranger, wondering how it got so bad-
"You can stay, or you can come with me," Alison tells her softly, gently playing with her hair. Her heart is still racing quickly with fear- she had been so fucking scared she had been going to lose Emily. She had thrown open the barn door with inhuman strength and dragged her out as fast as possible.
That bitch –A really thought she could mess with her and kill off her best friend in the whole entire world. She was terrified that one day –A was going to go too far, and this was the day that –A almost did.
Part of her forgets that Emily doesn't know she's alive. It kills her to run around like a ghost, haunting Emily left and right. But she's too selfish to let her go, she needs Emily with everything that's in her. The brunette is sometimes the only one who keeps her going; just the thought of being able to return to her one day reignites the fire within her.
The brunette on her lap stirs slightly and she strokes her hair gently, loving the way her fingers run through such soft, long locks. It reminds her of old sleepovers and summer nights and shy smiles when both of them had been naïve.
"Sweet Emily," Alison whispers as the brunette fades out into unconsciousness. And this seems to be the only way that she can kiss Emily- by sneaking them while she's out cold. It makes her feel hopeless in a way, like a pathetic creep. She wonders what Emily would think if she knew. As she leans down and captures the brunette's lips between her own, a rush of emotion comes over her and she touches her own lips as she pulls away, only to see Emily's eyes fluttering. Maybe she wasn't out cold- and Alison begins to freak out, her nice tender moment now over.
Her muscles tense up as she glances around to make sure nobody else is watching. It's out of reflex, out of habit from having to hide her love from the world. She wonders what it'd be like to freely love the brunette.
Apparently everyone else will know what it's like except her.
When the girls come barging through the woods later, Alison is forced to lay Emily down on the ground and get up and flee. She hates leaving the brunette, it's the hardest thing for her to do in life. Tomorrow she plans on escaping back to her grandma's place in Georgia. It's a small enough town to be off the radar, and big enough for her to hide away in. It's perfect because nobody will ever find her, not even Emily. But that's the bittersweet part.
There are days she wishes that Emily will stumble upon her accidentally. The secret will be out and maybe Emily will save her. But it's a long shot, because Alison simply won't let herself be found. It's for the best.
-I die each time you look away
My heart, my life, will never be the same-
This feels surreal. Reuniting with the girls in New York is something she didn't expect to affect her so much, but it does. Granted, she had briefly seen Emily in the warehouse before Spencer had appeared, but it was so brief that it felt like a dream. Alison can't imagine how Emily must have felt. She saw those wide brown eyes staring helplessly, as if she couldn't believe that Alison had trusted her of all people to appear to. But didn't she understand that she was the only one that the blonde could trust whole heartedly?
Yet here she is, standing with the girls in the theater as they talk about Spencer eating dryer sheets- or something like that. She feels like an outsider watching them, and the pang of emptiness that's settling inside her doesn't go away. She's not just pretending to be a loner anymore, she is a loner.
Every so often she feels Emily's eyes flicker to hers and look at her sympathetically but it is always just for a few seconds, and then they flutter away.
Later she curls up in the arm chair, exhausted. She can hear them talking about her, and even though Hanna assures them that she's definitely asleep, she can hear them talking. She's trained herself to rest with her eyes shut in a light sleep, one that allows her to still hear and be aware of her surroundings.
And it's no surprise to her that Hanna and Spencer are quickly commenting on how Alison is shutting them out again. But she can't help it- she feels defensive, like she has nothing in common with them anymore except for the fact that they're all being hunted by –A. They've all grown up and moved on without her, and she's spent the last two years hiding in the shadows protecting them.
It warms her heart that Emily still willingly sticks up for her to them, and though she's not surprised, she's content with the thought that maybe Emily will still be the one to save her. Maybe the other girls have moved on but perhaps Emily is willing to let her back in. She certainly seemed willing to help her come home when she saw her in the warehouse.
And when Cece comes in the middle of the night and scares the living shit out of her, she begins to prod Alison with questions once she's finished scolding her for letting her guard down in the theater.
"If I could sneak up on you, so could –A," Cece lectures and Alison merely rolls her eyes, trudging alongside her on the streets of New York. "So how's Americana?"
"I've told you not to call her that," Alison growls under her breath, her irritation hiding the fact that she knows this may be the last time she sees Cece for a very long time.
"What's it like? Seeing her again?"
"Don't you mean all of them?"
"Ali cut the shit, we both know you're hopelessly in love with that girl," Cece chastises. "Now tell me, what is it like seeing her again?"
"Wonderful," Alison blurts out and blushes hard when Cece smirks. "I mean, it feels unreal. I keep having to tell myself not to touch her so I don't look like a clingy freak."
And it's true. Every time Emily looks at her or bites her lip or brushes against her or says her name, it tempts her to reach out and just feel Emily. She's impatient like always and just wants to know the brunette like she used to. Because there's a heavy disconnect in the air, but Alison thinks it must be simple to reconnect. All she's gotta do is put more of an effort into their relationship than before, and then Emily will realize her feelings and they can undo all their mistakes of the past. It's easy.
This love will take my everything
One breath, one touch, will be the end of me
But it's not that simple, and it's definitely not easy. She doesn't know how to show any more affection to Emily than she currently is. Doesn't the brunette understand it's hard for her to open up to anyone? Hard for her to show true, genuine love?
All she's done since she's come back is try to make more of an effort to see Emily, to talk to her, to just be there. She's trying so hard to make up for the two years she was gone and lied about being dead. She's trying to undo all her sins. But instead of Emily just realizing her feelings and their relationship picking up where it left off, Emily seems to be shutting her out.
And Alison receives a rude wake up call when she tries to tell Emily the importance of all those kisses, that they weren't just for practice. Because the brunette doesn't seem to believe her, doesn't stay, doesn't forgive her easily. She instead goes off with Paige and that horribly annoying other swimmer girl.
But somehow, she seems to get a second chance tonight when Emily appears at her house after Mona rattled her at the church.
Ali lies in bed, facing away from Emily, restless.
"Ali? Are you awake?"
She hears the hesitation and fear in Emily's voice and she pauses for a moment. Her body is screaming for her to turn around. This could be the moment that she takes advantage of their positions for once- she could finally show Emily how she really cares for her. But this could ruin everything.
Who would guess that Alison, strong, tough, bitchy Alison, is afraid of rejection? But she is, and she's terrified that if she turns around and makes a move on Emily, that the brunette will shove her away in horror. What if she gets turned down because of Pigskin, godforbid.
She thinks for just a second more, before half of her panics as the other half shuffles and flips over, turning to face the brunette, shuffling closer, and oh my god.
Emily has never looked at her like this before. Her eyes are dark, but they're also afraid. Like she wants to take what she needs, but feels like she should ask first.
Alison stares at her in awe. Emily has never looked more beautiful than she does in this moment. Her hair is tussled, her lips are parted, her soft skin is glowing in the moon light filtering in through the window, and those eyes- goddamn those eyes are going to be the death of her-
And then, before Alison can say a word or appreciate her beauty further, Emily leans in and kisses her. It's brief, just a second or two, and then Emily pulls away as if testing the waters. But Alison can only stare back in shock, her eyes darkening and her heartbeat racing. She feels Emily's hand on her hip and she's not sure how it got there but she's sure not complaining. The brunette leans in, kissing her once more as she brings her hand up to hold her face and Alison thinks she might melt from the sincere affection.
Still, Emily breaks the kiss for a breath once more and before she has a chance to pull away, Alison leans forward to prove she wants this too. She takes it further, unable to stop herself as her body leans forward and she props herself up so she is leaning over Emily. The next thing she knows, she's on top of the brunette, their lips moving in perfect rhythm as Alison presses her body tightly against Emily's. She feels her mermaid's thin, long, delicate fingers slide down over her thin tank top to her hips and feels them grip tightly, pushing up the fabric so she's gripping Ali's bare skin. A shiver runs down her spine and she feels Emily smirk into the kiss. Her fingers begin to wander upwards, gently rubbing her skin on the way and she can't help but think that Emily could possibly be super sensual in bed- and she can't wait to find out.
She moans softly as Emily captures her bottom lip between her teeth and nips before sucking on it lightly, her hands traveling up Ali's torso to her waist, sliding her tank up as well.
(The brunette is in awe of the goosebumps that appear on Ali's porcelain skin, it makes the blonde seem more vulnerable than ever before)
"Is this okay?"
Alison hears Emily whisper but doesn't really register it for a few seconds as she feels Emily's fingers dance right below her breasts, clearly anxious to move higher. But when she does register what the brunette is saying, she almost cries- her heart melts that even after all this time, Emily is still careful with her.
"Completely," Alison replies back with an even quieter whisper, her voice trembling like her fingers that are cupping Emily's face.
Emily nods, and Alison feels her fingers hook under her tank and try to pull it up farther, so she sits up for just a moment to pull it off and chuck it aside.
She shakes her blonde hair and is about to go lean back down when she sees Emily staring at her with wide eyes.
"You've seen me topless before Em," she teases gently, her blue eyes shining with excitement that she's never let the brunette see before in a situation like this. But she wants this to be a first for the both of them. It is, in a way. At least, for Alison it is. It's the first time she really feels alive with someone, really feels electric. A part of her wonders if Emily has felt this with one of her many girlfriends before her- but she shoves that down and buries her insecurities for now. They'll resurface later at an inconvenient time.
"I just…I…" but the brunette is at a loss for words as she stutters and stares at the blonde.
"It's just me," Alison whispers sweetly, leaning down so her lips are hovering just inches above Emily's.
"That's just it," Emily gulps as she grips Alison's waist and flips them over, the blonde gasping at the sudden change in position. The brunette has her on her back, her body pressed tight on top of her with her bare leg between Ali's. "It's you."
Alison feels her heart get stuck in her throat as she hears the bittersweet tone in Emily's voice and sees pain flash across her face.
"Don't you want this?" Alison asks, her voice tiny and vulnerable. She's never felt more exposed.
"I did, for so long," is all Emily responds with, and Ali swears she can hear her mermaid choke back a sob as her voice goes hoarse and she pauses all movement.
"I'm sorry," Alison tries to console her and gently guides Emily's head down to hers so she can kiss her senselessly. When they break apart for air, both their chests heaving with need, Alison looks at her carefully. She rocks her hips upwards slowly, rubbing her center, which is covered by the flimsy fabric of her panties, against Emily's leg. She knows Emily is watching her carefully, and so she bites her lip and lets out a soft moan. "Please, Emily."
Emily's eyes nearly turn black, and she wastes no time in resuming her kiss with Alison, biting and sucking on her swollen lips until the blonde is helplessly moaning and squirming against her. Emily drags her lips down to the base of her throat and suck harshly on the skin, driving Alison crazy. Her fingers simultaneously come up to cup her breast and grope gently at first, and then harder as Alison's back arches. When Emily rolls her nipple between her finger and then pinches, she whimpers and bucks her hips upward, needing to feel the brunette.
She's never felt pleasure like this before- and she wonders whether or not Emily does this to all the girls she has a thing with. She hopes not, but she can't dwell on the thought too long as the brunette's hand travels down her body to her wet, dripping center.
"Mm, Emily," Alison whimpers her name as her fingers ghost over the soaked fabric and run along her slit.
The brunette is watching her with an intense fascination, a hunger that seems raw and unsatisfied until now.
"You're so wet," Emily murmurs almost silently and Ali lets out a low moan at those words.
"Emily," she breathes out as she thrusts her hips against her hand. "Please."
"I like when you say my name," Emily says almost slyly but there's a hint of genuine bashfulness behind it.
Ali smiles briefly before Emily slips her fingers inside her panties and begins to rub her clit, causing her to quiver beneath the brunette. It's when Emily slips a finger inside of her that she loses her sense of control and is reduced to a trembling mess of whimpers and "oh, yes, Emily please". Emily slides her finger in and out of her while rubbing her clit and it isn't long before she hits her climax.
"Fuck! Emily! Emilyy," Alison moans loudly as her head falls back and her body arches. When it's over, she lies there panting and Emily watches her carefully, as if expecting her to lash out. Instead, Alison's eyes flutter and she stares at Emily lovingly. "Your turn?"
But Emily shakes her head, and the blonde notices how tired she looks. There are bags under her eyes, and the brunette has creases in her forehead from all her worry.
"Sleep then," Alison whispers. "Come here."
And before Emily can refuse, Alison pulls her into her embrace, and she feels the brunette relax gradually, curled up against her and they fall asleep in a comfortable embrace.
And the next day everything goes to shit. It's proof that nothing is ever truly easy.
After that, it all is hell for the next few months- because Emily throws her to the wolves, and Alison is left defenseless and ends up in jail.
-You could be the final straw that brings me back to earth
Ever-waiting airports full of the love that you deserve-
Alison stands at the foot of the driveway, her pride flaring up. She forces herself to swallow it as she drags her feet to the doorway. She's barely been out of jail three days and she's doing crazy things, like bringing herself to Emily's house on her own free will.
"Come on Ali, you got this," the blonde tells herself as she puts one foot in front of the other. Her time in jail had really given her time to think, among other things. She looks at her bandaged forearm and internally winces at the thought of the pain she endured to receive such injuries.
She's about to knock on the door when she hears a shout from inside of the Field's house. Curiously, she tries the doorknob but it's locked. There's another shout, two voices shouting, and then she hears something break and Emily scream.
Later, she hates herself for how fast her reflexes kick in. Alison runs to the tree nearest to Emily's room and climbs up it with the skill of a monkey. Her thin body hoists and heaves itself up and she's startled by how hard it is for her now as opposed to before.
(But when she thinks about it, her body is so malnourished and she's been injured so many times its not surprising)
When she jumps onto the flat roof by Emily's room, she sees through the open window none other than Paige in there and the two are in a heated fight and it looks suspicious because Emily's shirt is half falling off her and they're both on the bed with a broken lamp on the floor.
But she watches painfully as Paige grabs Emily and kisses her, and she, turns to leave, embarrassed, until-
"Paige, stop! I said stop!"
Ali hears this and turns around so fast she almost falls off the roof. There Paige is, trying to force herself on sweet Emily with neck kisses and groping hands. That sight makes her almost vomit, because it was bad enough seeing Ben or Maya with Emily, but now Pigskin- just, quickly jumps through the window and lands loudly, startling both girls on the bed as she advances towards them. Her body stance is protective and fierce. Emily stares in shock at the flustered blonde with flushed cheeks and dangerously challenging eyes. Neither have seen the other since a week or two ago in the jail, when the truth of Ali's innocence came out.
Meanwhile Paige scrambles away from Emily and off the bed, her hands in fists balled up by her side.
"Get out," Alison threatens in a low, seething voice.
"You have no right-"
"I said, get out," Ali repeats herself and holds her ground as Paige stalks towards her, psycho eyes leering at her.
"You don't understand what's going on here," Paige fights back.
"I think I understand perfectly," Alison states with a cold stone expression and venomously challenging voice. "Leave her alone."
"There's a no chance in hell that I'm leaving her alone with you, you filthy piece of-"
"Enough!"
The heated stare between the two rivals is broken by a harsh word from Emily who has gotten off the bed and comes and stands defensively in front of the blonde. .
Paige looks at her, suddenly remorseful. "Emily, I was just-"
"I think you should go now," Emily firmly tells her former brunette girlfriend who looks down at the ground, crestfallen.
Alison stands terrifyingly still, watching as Emily signals for the other girl to leave and doesn't address her. As Paige walks out, she turns to look at Emily one more time- a sad expression on her face. But she then looks at Alison and a fiercely intense, murderous look appears. It doesn't faze Ali in the moment, because her mermaid-well, not her mermaid anymore, is standing right next to her.
As they both hear the downstairs front door slam, it's like the tension in the air dissipates a bit. But it returns as soon as the blonde locks eyes with the tan brunette, unrequited love swirling within her heart. There's an uncertain emotion in those brown eyes that Alison can't place but she believes it may be affection that she hasn't seen in a long time directed towards her.
"I had it under control you know. It's not what it looked like," Emily murmurs as she shakes her head in slight disbelief. Alison merely stares at her.
"She was trying to take advantage of you Em-"
"She just got carried away," Emily shrugs. "It happens."
"Often?" Alison asks with concerned eyes.
"No, but you know how people can get when they're worked up," Emily says casually but the words cut Alison deep. They've all done some nasty things and said unforgiveable words when they've been upset. "Why'd you come over?"
Her voice softens up and her brown eyes aren't piercing her anymore, they're just examining her, as if trying to figure out an answer to a problem.
"I…I wanted to talk," Alison stutters, suddenly nervous.
"About what?"
"Everything that's happened, and us," Alison says in an incredibly small voice. Emily nods and sits down on her bed, smoothing it out and then motioning for Alison to sit next to her. The blonde politely sits down on the edge of it and Emily sits cross legged by the head of it.
"What happened to your arm?"
Alison hesitates, but before she can even answer, Emily cuts her off saying, "The truth."
"Don't worry," Alison says in a dry, hoarse voice. "I only want to tell you the truth. Believe me, my time in jail really gave me a wake up call."
Emily looks guilty as she nods, and the blonde can't help but feel a little satisfied. The brunette better feel guilty. She had thrown her to the wolves and practically left her to die on her own for a crime she didn't commit all because there were things she just couldn't understand. But Ali knows how it all seems, she can't fully blame the brunette.
"It got cut open," Alison looks away from the brunette. "Some bitch who hated me was crazy enough to obtain a knife somehow. You'd think getting cut open once makes it hurt less the second time."
"Why did she hate you?" Emily asks as she stares at the dirty bandage.
But Alison only chuckles darkly. "Em, you know how much people love me wherever I go."
There's a thick silence between them. They look and both start to speak.
"Ali I'm sorry-" "Emily I wanted to-"
They start to laugh and Ali is startled when she feels Emily's hand land on hers
"I'm sorry I didn't stop them from sending you to jail," she says sincerely. Alison remains silent, because she wants to hear Emily's apology. She also doesn't want to break the spell of Emily's charming voice. "I was wrong. It was easy to just go along with it, to believe you were –A because…well…doing that was easier than facing the consequences of what I felt for you. We have a past, and I know it's not totally your fault, but I had to come to terms with it. And I wasn't ready to, and I'm so sorry I pushed you away. I feel awful, god being in jail must have been horrible-"
"We do have a past," Ali says quietly. "And I know how it all seemed. I don't blame you for thinking the way you did, but it hurt to see you turn against me. I just wanted to protect you."
"I'm sorry. Maybe we can be friends again," Emily offers with a smile but the word friends causes Alison's stomach to lurch. "Before, I let my feelings get in the way. That won't happen this time, I promise."
"Wh-what, why?" Ali asks, a little caught off guard by this- she doesn't want Emily to keep her feelings away from her. That's the last thing she wants.
"I understand now, Ali," Emily explains. "My new girlfriend, Talia, she explained what it was like when someone who you love like a best friend likes you- it gets confusing. It makes sense that you were just trying to protect my feelings. I mean, I was always your favorite right?"
Emily offers a shy innocently playful smile at the end but Alison stares at her helplessly. She knows there's a faint small smile on her own face, but she feels like her heart just split again. Nothing that Emily just said is correct. She loves her, she is pathetically and foolishly in love with her. And girlfriend? That must be why Paige had been so upset. Ali understands, because she's suddenly unraveling on the inside.
"You are definitely my favorite," Alison confirms in a small voice, her eyes fluttering as she tries to blink back the tears that she feels as a lump in her throat rises. Emily looks at her with concerned eyes and the blonde avoids eye contact as she forces out words she never genuinely says to anyone. "And I need you."
"I'm not going anywhere," Emily says in a soft, kind voice and it reminds her of the innocent, timid brunette that she first fell for. But the blonde is too afraid to admit her feelings now- because Emily has clearly made up her mind, and the way her eyes lit up when she said new girlfriend- god, Ali could have started crying. The brunette scoots over and hugs her gently, and Ali lets herself sink into her embrace, forgetting for a moment about the heartbreak coursing through her body and letting the brunette comfort her. "I'm here if you ever need me. We have time to catch up, do the whole best friend thing again."
And this was the day Alison was first friendzoned. It was the night she cried herself to sleep, and it wasn't the last time she hated herself for not knowing how to speak up. But Emily deserves better than her, so this must be for the best.
-Wishing I could find a way to wash away the past
-Knowing that my heart will break, but at least the pain will last-
"I need to go out tonight," Emily says as she walks right into Alison's dorm room and collapses onto the couch. They were both in their second year at Hollis, and Alison was struggling through the years while remaining in the friend zone. She tried to see other people, all guys, but none of them even compared in her mind. It was terrible to be so hung up on one person. And her mental health hadn't improved much since high school, it had only gotten worse. She just hid it better these days.
"How come?" Alison asks curiously, ignoring the fact that had anyone else just pushed past her at the door like that she would have grabbed them by the shirt and thrown them back out. But it's a little strange how much she lets Emily get away with.
Hanna started to notice. The rebel blonde only appears during holidays because she ended up in fashion school in New York. But it's because she sees the drastic changes over time that she notices the way Alison pines away for their brunette friend. They only talked about it briefly once, and Alison would say that Hanna probably feels bad for her.
She's glad Emily suggested going out, because god knows she needs her substances to keep away the heartache she feels on a daily basis.
"Talia and I broke up," Emily shrugs from the couch. "Do you have any alcohol?"
"Really? When?" the blonde is suddenly inquisitive as she goes to her kitchen cabinet to grab two shot glasses and a fifth of rum. This is certainly positive news. She hates Talia, and Talia hates her. Maybe she can finally begin to work on changing things with this bitch out of the picture.
"Two hours ago," Emily says stoically as she eyes the blonde coming over to the couch with the alcohol. "What are you wearing?"
Alison realizes Emily had interrupted her mid changing and caught her in a long pair of knee high socks and a baggy t-shirt.
"Oh sorry," she blushes, thinking that Emily was judging her for being so loosely dressed. "I need to get finishing changing."
"No don't," Emily blurts out. Ali cocks an eyebrow at her and the brunette recovers. "It's not a big deal."
She hiccups and Alison stares carefully at her. Her eyes widen slightly. "You're drunk already!"
"So what," Emily hiccups again.
"How much have you had to drink?"
"Not enough, I can tell you that," Emily mutters as she takes a shot glass and holds it out, waiting for Alison to pour.
"Well hold on I need to catch up so I can get on your level," Alison teases with a small smile as she pours herself a shot first. "Why'd you guys break up?"
"I think she's going back to being straight," Emily spits out darkly as she impatiently waits for Alison to share her alcohol.
The blonde almost chokes on her shot. Her face scrunches up- the rum was stronger than she remembered.
"Back to her husband?"
"Something like that," Emily mutters, taking a shot before closing her eyes in irritation. "Girls suck."
Six shots later, Alison is pretty drunk- but Emily is really far gone. The brunette had been getting closer and touchier all night.
"So," Emily slurs as her dark eyes watch Alison stand up to fix the couch pillow that had fallen off in their goofing around. She sees long slim legs and lets her hands reach out to grab onto her hips, addicted to the soft smooth skin beneath the baggy t-shirt. "Are you still straight?"
"Me?" Alison laughs as she feels Emily pull her towards her, down onto her lap and she falls slightly as she lands with her knees on either side of Emily's thighs on the couch. "I was never fully straight."
"Wait, you like girls?" Emily asks, her face scrunching in confusion.
"No, not really," Ali says as she bites her lip, feeling Emily's hands wander to her lacy panties and finger them.
"Then what?" Emily asks drunkenly as she lifts Ali's shirt up curiously.
"Just you, you're the only girl I like," Alison tells her flat out.
"Remember that one time in your room?" Emily asks with glazed over, dark eyes and Alison feels a rush of heat as she watches Emily's eyes transfixed on her center.
"Mhm," Ali breathes out as she feels Emily bring her lips to her abdomen and drag them across her soft tummy.
"We should redo that," Emily suggests and wastes no time in waiting for a response as she clumsily leans up to kiss Alison's lips, their kiss messy and needy. Her hands slide around to grip Ali's ass, pulling her against her before slipping down between her thighs from behind and rubbing against the fabric.
"F-f-fuck, Em," Ali moans as the brunette fingers her slit through her panties and the blonde grinds against her fingers with desperation.
"Say my name," Emily pants in between sloppy kisses and Alison is brought back that night in her room.
"I like when you say my name," Emily says almost slyly but there's a hint of genuine bashfulness behind it.
"Emily!" Alison lets her name fall from her lips, and it comes so easily because this is what she's been waiting for.
Emily fucks Alison. It's plain and simple. It's dirty, and it's not romantic. And the next morning, Alison wakes up naked under the blankets on her couch, on top of Emily.
"Ali?"
The blonde groggily looks at the brunette beneath her.
"Hm?"
"What happened last night?" Emily asks confused, holding her head, her eyes squinted.
"What do you remember?" Ali asks cautiously and Emily closes her eyes as her head throbs painfully.
"Nothing."
-I die each time you look away
My heart, my life, will never be the same
This love will take my everything
One breath, one touch, will be the end of me-
It's no surprise that Emily and Talia ended up back together 72 hours later. Alison swears she should have seen it coming, because the two were notorious for fighting and making up. When Ali had told her what happened the night before, Emily had shaken her head and blushed.
"I'm so sorry," she had apologized.
"Don't be," Alison had tried to lighten the mood. "I liked it."
"Well hey, every straight girl needs to have their crazy college experiences, right?" Emily had asked and Alison hadn't known how to counter that because she knew that Emily was totally oblivious to her feelings.
And since then, Alison had made it a point to vehemently try and get over the brunette. She was too afraid to confront her feelings. But she's forced to when, two years later, Emily barges into her room once more-
"Ali! I'm engaged!"
Emily squeals happily with her supposedly good news. It's a few days after their graduation, and Alison stares at her with a soft smile.
The last four years haven't been easy on her. She's felt more isolated, more alone than ever. Her entire high school experience had been robbed from her, she'd been framed for murder, her mom had died, and many of her friends had abandoned her. In the end, all she had was Emily- but pining over her through college was just as bad as pining over her from a distance during high school, maybe even worse.
Hanna had confronted her about it a month ago. A real confrontation, in which Alison had broken down in tears and Hanna had to hold her and tell her the best thing to do was to move on at this point. But Ali doesn't know why a part of her still holds on to the shred of hope she still has that maybe Emily still has feelings for her.
The brunette was sexually attracted to her, she knew that still had to be true. Because sometimes she'd catch Emily's eyes lingering in places they shouldn't be, even when Talia was around. Or sometimes, she'd lie to Talia about being busy and really spend the evening with Alison drinking wine and cuddling and watching movies. They never got physical, they were just…well…best friends.
And as Alison reflects on her life, it's for the best. She hasn't gotten infinitely more kind. She hasn't improved. Instead, over the years, she's become a trainwreck.
"You look sick," Hanna had commented and it was true. The blonde hardly eats anymore, her appetite completely gone. She doesn't know how to be happy. The only time she smiles is when Emily comes around, but that's only a few times a week. The rest of the time she's busy feeling sorry for herself or drinking herself into oblivion while fending off nightmares of the past. She's never admitted it to Emily, but the brunette brings her out of her unhappy stupor for just a little bit at a time.
She has no family, and no close friends. She doesn't really let people in easily.
"Ali?"
Emily's voice rips her out of her thoughts.
"What?"
"Aren't you happy for me?"
And that's it. That's all it takes before Alison's resolve crumbles and she begins to tremble from head to toe. She tries to shake her head, but hot tears begin to fall down her face as she tries so hard to stop them.
"I want to be happy for you Em, of course I do," Alison chokes out as she tries to not start full on sobbing. She sees the brunette looking at her with very confused eyes. "I-i-it's just…"
"I don't understand, what's wrong?" Emily asks.
"How can I be happy for you when I've been in love with you since we were fourteen?"
The look on Emily's face is priceless and Alison wishes for a moment that she could save that for forever.
"You…you're what?" she asks, her face draining of color as Alison pathetically stands there, fidgeting with her hands.
"I'm in love with you," she squeaks, her vision blurry and her the lump in her throat preventing her from speaking clearly. It's like the pain in her chest grows with every time she confesses the buried truth over and over again out loud. "I'm in love with you and it hurts so bad."
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Emily asks, her head tilted and she looks so conflicted that Alison doesn't know whether that's a good or a bad thing.
"Because you were happy, and I'm afraid," Ali whimpers, her body now shaking violently with sobs threatening to spill over. She feels Emily come over and hug her quickly, her strong arms tightening around her protectively. "I didn't want to mess anything up and I wanted to tell you eventually but then I couldn't, I just couldn't-"
"It's okay Alison, I'm sorry you're confused-"
"I'm not confused!" Alison's voice raises a few levels as she shoves Emily back in protest, her blue eyes dangerously staring the brunette down with a burning honesty to them. "I know exactly how I feel. I've loved you ever since we were stupid kids in high school, before –A, before I fucked everything up in that locker room. And you don't know how much I regret that fucking day. If I could go back and change everything I would-"
"We can't change the past, Ali," Emily gently says, her own eyes starting to tear up.
"I have tried so hard to be there for you again-"
"And you have," Emily says gently, stepping forward so she can gently grab Alison's chin with her now trembling fingers. She kisses her once, softly. Their lips barely graze, as if Emily is now afraid to, but she can taste the salty tears on Alison's lips. The blondes tiny hands come up to grip Emily's arms, digging into the skin in frustration so the brunette pulls away hesitantly. "I appreciate it, I appreciate you. You mean more to me than anyone else in the world, Ali. We have such deep history, and we can still connect-"
"Then why are you engaged to Talia? Why did you date her?" Alison spits out bitterly.
The answer on the tip of Emily's tongue accidentally comes out. "Because it's always been easy with her."
And Alison doesn't know whether she can ever forgive Emily for that- for making her feel so fucking hard to love.
-Emily will find a better place to fall asleep
Maybe she will save me in the oceans of her dream
And maybe someday love-
On the day of the wedding, Ali drinks herself to sleep at 9 am. She doesn't leave her house. She's too tired to fight. But she tells herself that this is for the best. Because maybe she's too fucking hard to love, and Emily deserves someone so much better than her. But she doesn't fully believe this. In fact, a part of her is screaming out for her to stop being so fucking dumb.
She sees her phone ringing when she wakes up somewhere around 6pm, and she groggily answers it without checking.
"Hel-lo," Alison hiccups as she answers half asleep.
"Ali," Emily's voice comes through loud and clear.
"What," she grunts, forcing herself to sit up.
"Nothing…I just...I wanted to make sure you're okay."
"We both know I'm not, so."
The dead silence between the two on the phone is heavier than it's ever been.
"Ali?"
"What?"
"It's for the best."
When Alison wakes up again around midnight, she deletes Emily's number from her phone. Maybe some things were never meant to be.
-Maybe someday love-