I've been thinking about doing a song fic for this for a while, as it's now one of my classic Jack/Ianto songs. I wanted to write a fic in first person because I've been reading the Twilight books recently, and I was wondering what a Torchwood fic would be like if I wrote it form one of their POVs. I don't know why my convention is this way round, but in most of my stories, I have Jack as the 'broken' one and Ianto as the one helping him, despite his own demons.
I'll try and write something more original next time though! Please review, comments and concrit and most welcome!
Disclaimer: The song belongs to the Sugarbabes, and Torchwood, Jack and Ianto are Russel T. Davies. The way Jack feels is influenced by Stephenie Meyer's description of Bella dealing with the loss of Edward (kinda obviously influenced by her to those who know New Moon)
About You Now - Sugarbabes
It was so easy that night,
Should've been strong, yeah, I lied,
Nobody gets me like you.
I'd only been back for a few weeks, but already I was in too deep with Ianto. He'd been the first to forgive me for leaving them like I did, the first to realise that there was more to my disappearence than a simple holiday. Maybe that was why I'd fallen completely and irrevocably in love with him.
Ianto Jones. He was my sole reason for breathing at the moment, for waking up in the morning and not letting my despair and fear overwhelm me. He was as vital to me as oxygen, keeping my heart beating and my blood pumping. He'd been there, silently and patiently waiting, whenever I needed him. Without a word, he stayed with me through the first few nights, when the nightmares were the worst. He seemed to be able to read me like a book, to know exactly what I needed and how to give it to me. I'd never had someone understand me like that.
Yet still, there was a part of me, the section of my brain controlled by logic, that screamed at me to stay away, to stop getting involved and to pull myself back out of the emotions I felt for him. I knew, deep down, below my selfish need to have him with me, that I couldn't get too attached. I wouldn't be able to stand the pain of losing him.
At least, that's what I told myself. Every time the small part of my brain that spoke the truth about my feelings, I smothered it. I couldn't keep it quiet so eventually, I heard it's argument: You just can't stand to let anyone rely on you… My stomach churned every time I thought about it, knowing that it was the true reason I couldn't dedicate myself completely to him.
It was the reason why, when he came to me earlier that evening, to ask me whether I was coming back to his flat, that I lied and said no. It was the reason that I lied and told him we should just be colleagues, friends on occasion, and nothing more.
I know everything changes,
All the cities and faces,
But I know how I feel about you.
The next morning, he turned up for work at the usual time, making me coffee and cleaning the workstations, as if last night had never happened. The only difference was the empty look in his eyes when he didn't think I was watching. I found myself trying to avoid the memories of the last time I'd seen that look.
It seemed like a completely different time now, a reality that felt like centuries ago. The night on the plass after I'd set Myfanwy on the cyberwoman that had taken over Lisa. That look of fury in his face had faded with Lisa's death, but the pain and hurt in his eyes had taken weeks, maybe even months, to cure. The city had changed dramatically since then, the council knocking down and building up the old dockland areas, changing the skyline and making the whole place seem alien to me.
A lot of the people had changed too. The mayor had been replaced (thank God) and a lot of the shop assistants and waitresses at my favourite places had moved on, hopefully to university or a proper job. The only thing that was constant for me was what I felt for Ianto, that deep and unforgiving love I felt for him.
That one night, those ten hours between his departure and his return, had been more painful than any toture I'd suffered at Saxon's hands. I felt like there was a hole blown through my chest, the raw, empty sides of the wound burning painfully as I attempted to sleep.
It hadn't done any good. The only thing I'd been able to think all night was how much pain I was in, wondering how much pain I'd caused Ianto, whether he would forgive me. I needed him.
That's why I rushed down to the kitchen, cornering him in so I could talk to him before the others turned up.
Can we bring yesterday back around?
Cause I know how I feel about you now.
"Ianto?" I stood in the doorway, tentatively sensing his mood.
"Yes, sir?" He turned round and gave me a polite smile, one that didn't reach his eyes. "Is there something I can get you?"
I stood there and looked at him, his eyes a little questioning, his shoulders relaxed into his usual work stance, hands in pockets. I couldn't get over just how stunning he was. It wasn't usually this bad of a morning, but maybe that was because I hadn't had to take my eyes off him before, I hadn't had to go without him since I'd returned.
"Sir?" I was jolted out of my reverie and I focused again on his face, the concern on it making the edges of the hole in my chest throb painfully.
"Ianto, I just wanted to say that I was sorry about last night, so unbelievably sorry." I noticed the flicker of pain that flashed across his face, gone almost as soon as it appeared, making me press on with my point. "I wanted to know whether there was anyway I could take it back. Is there any chance of that?"
My heart was thudding uncomfortably in my chest, clammering for my attention as I tried to ignore the physical need for the feel of Ianto's arms around me. The silence bagan to spread between us as I waited anxiously for his reply. His eyes bored into mine, his expression unreadable. Then, slowly, he shook his head slightly.
"I'm sorry, Jack. I think you were right." I felt something force its way through me, ripping the hole in my chest wider. I could barely breath, my lungs refusing to accept that time had passed on from Ianto's devastating statement. I could do nothing but watch as he turned away from me to pick up his mug of coffee and walk towards the door, his eyes fixed on the floor. I caught him by the arm and looked imploringly at him, trying to convey how much this was hurting me, trying to understand why.
"Ianto… Is there… Is there someone else?" His stormy blue eyes stared straight back at me, annoyance briefly pulsing through the pain and acceptance they were pouring out to me.
"No." His eyes became hard as he looked at me with accusation. "What could possibly make you think that?"
"I don't… I just don't want you to be alone." I looked away then, unable to keep his gaze because of the shame flooding through me.
"I don't need someone else to make me feel like I'm worth something… I'm not afraid of being alone, Jack. I never have been." He simply pulled his arm from my grip and carried on past me, his footsteps slow and steady as he left me behind. Then I heard him mutter something that I was never supposed to hear.
"I've been alone for a very long time…" I turned and watched as he retreated, never once looking back at me.
I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down,
But I know how I feel about you now.
I felt numb at his words. I couldn't believe how selfish and callous I'd been. I'd detroyed the best thing I'd had in my life for decades, centuries even. I'd broken his trust in me and shown him how unreliable and worthless I was. I'd let him down completely. I was so caught up in my own pain and suffering that I'd ignored his. He needed me to be a partner, a lover, but all I'd done for him was take, never give back what he so generously gave up for me. Not once.
I knew now, not for my own sake, that I had to sort this out. It was my duty to fix what I'd done to him. I wasn't going to be the same man again. I was going to be different and I was going to change for him. The surge of affection only made my resolve stronger. I knew for certain that I had no choice when it came to Ianto.
For better or for worse, part of him had become welded to me and nothing I could do was going to remove it. So for the rest of the day, I watched and waited, letting proceedings in the hub carry on as usual, sitting in my office and biding my time. All I wanted to do was send the team home early, but I needed Ianto to give me a chance, and if he saw it coming, he may not let me speak to him.
I had hours to perfect what I was going to say, and I had it all laid out in my mind. Eventually, the time came to go and corner him again in the small kicthen area. I stood a few feet behind him, took a deep breath and waited for him to turn around. After what seemed like hours, he turned and his weary eyes met mine. As soon as they did, my mind blanked out, my plan flying away away from my fumbling hands.
All that it takes, One more chance,
Don't let our last kiss be our last,
Give me tonight and I'll show you.
"Ianto." I stepped towards him before I could stop myself, one of my hands reaching out to touch his face. I managed to stop myself just in time, my hand hovering limply in the air for a moment before I let it drop, embarassed at my sudden lack of self control. When I managed to look at him again, I saw something in his eyes that I would never have expected. I saw pity.
"Don't do this, Jack." He mumbled his sentence, obviously not wanting to say it. "Don't do this to yourself. I don't want to be the person who makes you unhappy. I don't want to watch you suffer."
He stood still and gazed at me, his eyes begging silently for me to let him go. I felt my jaw clench in anger at myself and I closed the gap between us, pulling him towards me and kissing him harshly, holding his face between my hands desperately. It felt so natural to feel his lips moving against mine, the chills and warmth spreading out from where our lips met, that the hole in my chest ripped open again when he pulled away from me, his fingers curling around my wrists as he made me let go of him.
I let my hands drop, his grip guiding them gently down to the space between us as he looked at me again, his eyes filled with something painful, with longing and regret. The last thing I wanted him to feel was regret.
"Give me another chance, Ianto, please. I can show you that you can trust me, you can rely on me." He looked doubtful, his face turning away from mine slightly, though his eyes never dropping, his hands still wrapped around my wrists. "I won't let you go like this."
There it was again, the pity and the regret mixing into a cocktail that made my blood boil. I regretted too much of my past, and I refused to let Ianto regret anything, let alone me.
"Jack, open your eyes." His voice was soft, as if talking to someone who'd been asleep for a long time. "It's easier this way… and you know it. I won't make you hurt anymore."
"Then why are you doing this?" I knew that there were tears in my eyes, I could feel them fighting their way out as I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists. He let go of my wrists and brought his hands up to gently smooth out the front of my shirt, watching his fingers as they smoothed the creases out, smiling slightly to himself.
"Isn't it obvious?" He continued to watch his hands, now resting on my chest, as he murmured, melancoly ringing in his beautiful welsh accent.
"Ianto, I need you. I need to see you in the morning to make myself get up, I need to see your smile to remember what I'm still alive for." His mouth twitched into another wistful smile, his eyes never leaving his hands. "Please, let me show you how much I need you. Let me prove to you how I feel."
"You don't have to prove anything to me, Jack. That's the problem." He looked back up at me, all hints of his smile gone, replaced by more pity and more sadness. He pulled his hands away and walked around me, heading out of the hub. For the second time that day, I let him walk away from me.
I know everything changes,
I don't care where it takes us,
Cause I know how I feel about you.
Can we bring yesterday back around?
Cause I know how I feel about you now.
I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down,
But I know how I feel about you now.
Not a day passed me by,
Not a day passed me by,
When I don't think about you.
That night was just as painful as the first one without him. I slept badly, and when I woke up, the pain coursed through me when I realised I was alone, that there was no one lying next to me, no one to curl up closer to when the nightmares closed in again.
I felt so horribly alone, more alone than I'd been for the entire year aboard the Valiant. At least there I'd had memories of Ianto laughing, of his face first thing in the morning, or as we collapsed together in bed, lying close because we were both too tired to move. I'd still had the memories of his sarcastic comments and his compassion. I'd still had all my memories of him without them causing me any pain.
Now, every time I thought of him, I felt the hollow in my chest burn, as if acid had been poured on the stinging edges of the gaping hole. Somewhere deep in my mind, I was starting to shut him out already, I was starting to let myself forget, just to spare myself the pain.
As soon as I realised that, I made myself remember, I forced myself to recall the precise colour of his eyes, the exact way his lips curled up in a smile when he was amused by something, but didn't want people to know. It was as I lay awake that night, making myself remember every tiny detail about him that I remembered my plan. I was going to get Ianto back, and I was never going to let him go. He needed to know that, but I was going to wait until the end of the next day to tell him.
The day that followed was as painful as the night and as excruciatingly slow as the one before. I needed to talk to Ianto soon, before my mind shut down or my lungs gave up. I wasn't sure that I had the willpower to survive much longer. When the end of the day finally came, I made sure to call Ianto into my office, so he couldn't avoid me without arousing suspiscion with the rest of the team.
I watched from the doorway as Gwen and Owen chattered happily, Tosh smiling to herself over something as all three of them left the hub together, none the wiser of the trauma that was currently consuming Ianto and myself. I waited patiently for Ianto to come down into the hub, unable to control my heartbeat as he stepped through the huge rolling door. I took a moment to watch him as he walked, head down and hands in his pockets. Once again I scolded myself for losing him as I had.
Suddenly, without invite, the small voice in my head piped up. Remember why you did this in the first place. It'll all end badly, for both of you. He'll learn to depend on you and you'll run away, like you always do. Can you do that to yourself? Can you do that to him? I scowled at myself, just as Ianto looked up, a puzzled expression on his face as he caught my eye. I quickly smoothed myself demeanour out and gestured inside my office, waiting for him to walk past me before closing the door and turning to face him.
And there's no moving on,
Cause I know you're the one,
And I can't be without you.
"What do you need to talk to me about, sir?" He stood near my desk, hands still in his pockets and a world weary expression on his face. I was still surprised that he hadn't shown any anger towards me, almost as if he was expecting it, whether it had been then or in years to come.
"I'm not letting you leave until you take me back." He snorted gently in amusement and a smile twitched at the corner of his mouth as he sat back on the desk, perching on the edge.
"That's a bit of a double negative, Jack." I continued to stare at him, feet planted firmly on the ground with my arms crossed over my chest. I was prepared for a long and a painful battle with him. "The more we fight, the harder it is for me to stop hurting you… to stop hurting myself."
"Then stop fighting with me." The momentary amusement left his face as he stared at me, his eyes struggling with something inside himself. "Ianto, I need you. You wouldn't believe me if I tried to tell you how hard it's been for me to carry on without you there. It's incredibly selfish, I know, but its true. I know I've never really been there for you, but-"
"You've been there for me, Jack." He looked away as he mumbled again. "You gave me a reason to keep going after Lisa, after the job consumed me and I had nothing left to turn to. You gave me a reason to wake up in the morning."
"Then you can see just how much I need you with me!" I felt exasperated, and slightly humbled, by his confession, but I grasped onto it and ran, as if my life depended on it. In my mind, it did.
"That's just the point! You don't need me, you need someone strong enough to keep you from falling." He stared at me angrily for a moment before looking away again, his voice becoming bitter. "All I ever needed was to know that you cared, but you need more than that from me. I can't give you anything more than myself and I know that's just not enough."
He pushed himself up from the desk and headed to the door, but I grabbed his arm and pulled him around to face me, looking deep into his eyes, trying to uncover the element I was missing in the conversation. I didn't understand how he could think he wasn't enough for me. We stood for a long time, just looking at each other, until, very slowly, I pulled him closer, my free hand resting lightly on the side of his face as I kissed him once more.
It was a gentle, loving kiss, though no less passionate than the night before. I don't know what I had been hoping to portray in that touch, but I gave up any pretence I may have had when I started it, deciding to enjoy the moment while it lasted, convinced that this would be the last time I would taste his skin or feel the soft pulse in his lips as they pressed against mine. I decided to catalogue every detail, storing it away silently as the perfect moment continued. Slowly, tentatively, I released his arm from my grip and moved it around his waist, pulling him a little closer, waiting to see how he resoponded.
I felt my heart soar and flip over when I felt his lips part gently, inviting me to deepen the kiss. I moved my hand from his face to encircle his waist, pulling him closer still as his hands moved up to my cheeks and slid round to the back of my neck, the dexterous fingers twining themselves gently into my hair and pulling me closer.
I couldn't remember a sensation in all my long years that came close to that feeling of pure and unadulterated affection. The feel of his lips moving against mine, the silence in which the entire moment was carried out in, the unspoken forgiveness and promises… It was something that I would carry with me for the rest of my days, no matter when they ended.
I was never going to let this feeling go.
Can we bring yesterday back around?
Cause I know how I feel about you now.
I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down,
But I know how I feel about you now.
Can we bring yesterday back around?
Cause I know how I feel about you now.
I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down,
But I know how I feel about you now,
But I know how I feel about you now,
Yeah, I know how I feel about you now.