Oh, this is stupid. Well, I couldn't think of anything better. Maybe I'll look back on this one day and laugh. That is, if I ever remember how to. I haven't laughed in a long time. Not since my mother died. I was about six or so; I don't remember too much of it. Probably my way of "coping" or some bull shit like that. Ever since then, my father's been drinking a lot and blaming me for her death. He says that since I couldn't have just walk home from my elementary school at like ten at night in the middle of winter, and Mom had to come get me, that it's my fault.

I know Mom doesn't blame me, though. I should know. I was there when she died. She told me herself that she came to get me because she loved me and didn't want me to get hurt. She was just being a good mother and protecting her son. She loved me. That's all I needed to know. As long as I never forgot that, I could take anything my father threw at me. Literally.

"Hey, boy, get your ass up! I am not dragging you to school if you miss the damn bus!" my father called up the stairs. Yeah, like I was actually asleep. Not after last night, how he once again got drunk and decided it was a good idea to tie me to the kitchen table and kick me with the biggest pair of boots he had. I think one or two of my ribs are cracked. Well that's just fucking perfect. And yet, which seriously surprised me, he managed not to hit anything while on his rampage that couldn't be covered with a bandage or hoodie. Maybe he wasn't as drunk as I thought, the bastard.

I got up as fast I could, wincing at the pain and slightly limping to my bathroom. I'd have to go see Aerith when I got to school. Aerith, the school nurse, had figured out the abuse long ago, but I had her promise not to tell anyone unless it got too bad. She had been my Mom's best friend, so of course she was worried about me. But I didn't want to get her too involved, no matter how close she was to me. I had to protect her.

I quickly threw on my wristbands, hoodie, and a pair of sneakers before popping a few mints in my mouth and running a bit of gel through my hair. I did a quick look over in my slightly cracked mirror (which my father thought it would be funny to slam my head against) before grabbing my bag and heading down quietly to the kitchen. I threw a juice box and a bag of chips in my bag for lunch before my father could realize I had left my room.

"Roxas," my father huffed, making me cringe a bit and almost drop my bag. That would've been bad. I stepped over to the form slumped over on the couch that was my father and tried so very hard no to look him in the eye. "When do report cards come out?"

"N-Next Friday…" I answered, my voice cracking slightly.

"Good. I'm going to visit your mother then. If your grades are satisfactory, I just may allow you to come." Oh my god. Was he serious? It could've been some sick game (I was fully aware of that possibility) but then again… he has no reason to joke when it comes to Mom. He never would. He must've either had a really bad hangover or he was actually sober for once. I always had to either sneak out at night or ditch a few classes to see Mom…

"Really?" I exclaimed, a wide smile plastered on my face. I was still a tad wary about my father's sudden change of heart, but I could care less at the moment. Maybe for once we could go to her grave together. That would make Mom happy.

"Yeah, you better be grateful. I'll be expecting all your chores to be done without me telling you, as well, so don't get all comfy," he instructed. Even though he never tells me to, he just expects them. Then flips shit whether they're done or not. Either way, I nodded my head. "Now get to school before I change my mind!" he shouted, throwing an empty beer bottle at my head. I dodged, just barely missing the shattering glass, and bolted out the door.

I somehow made it to the bus just before it left and took my usual seat right behind the driver. I jammed my earbuds in and turned on the loudest song I had. I loved the bus ride to and from school. It was the only time I could just clear my mind and get lost in my music. That feeling of having nothing to worry about, nothing hanging over your head, I just loved it. But of course, every good thing has to end. I could only ever get two or three songs worth of bliss before I had to grace the school with my presence. Joy.

As soon as I got in the school, I went straight to our usual spot to meet up with Cloud, Tifa, and Vincent. After saying my hellos and such I went off to the nurse to have Aerith check on me. It took a little bit to get her to stop fussing over me and just check my abdomen, but she did. Nothing major, just some really big bruises that should go down in a few weeks with some ice. Just got to make sure not to get them any worse. Well there was a challenge.

My first two classes blew by fairly quickly. I think I kept dozing out or something cuz I don't remember much of the morning after Aerith. Besides, third period was all I actually was looking forward to. "Hey, Roooooox~" a voice chimed in as I walked into the classroom. Axel. One of my best friends and secret crush since the beginning of the school year. It didn't matter what kind of shit mood I was in, Axel always found a way to make me smile and forget my troubles, if only for a moment.

"Hey, Axel," I smiled back, taking my seat behind him. I was obviously in one of my moods again, but I could tell Axel was also pretty upset, too, since he recently got dumped by this girl he really liked. I wanted to help, but he wouldn't let me. He was more interested in helping hopeless little Roxas feel a bit better about his meaningless existence. He's just so nice… "Axel?" I asked, poking his back with my pencil to get his attention.

"Yeah?" he turned to face me, his emerald eyes trying to find something in mine. He took my hand in his and started lightly rubbing my knuckles with his thumb. God, he flirted with me so much in class it was killing me. But no more.

"Uhm, my club is having a party after school and I was wondering, if maybe you would like to come and hang out for a bit," I nervously asked.

"I'll see if I can, but I'd love to come," he said, smirking and making my heart skip a beat. I could never get enough of his smile. It was the only bit of joy I had anymore, really. But I know what you're thinking. 'Roxas, if an after school activity is what pretty much got your mother killed, then why would you still go?' Well, my club never lasts more than two hours so there's still plenty of light for me to walk home. I don't ever ask for rides and I don't accept offers. So there's your answer.

Last period could not have gone any slower. I knew the chance of Axel actually showing up was slim, but it didn't stop my heart from racing at the thought of getting to spend time with my crush. To my great pleasure, he was actually there! Maybe I, for once, could try to cheer him up during this two hour period.

I think I helped. I mean, he seemed like he was happy. Maybe I actually did something right for once! Apparently I did something, because after the party, Axel offered to walk home with me since we lived in the same general direction. Hell yeah, I accepted!

"Hey, Roxas?" Axel asked, breaking the slightly awkward silence that worked its way into our walk home. "How would you feel… about being my boyfriend?"

My heart stopped. Wait a second. Did he seriously ask what I think he just asked? Am I dreaming? Holy shit. Oh my god. Please, no one wake me up if this is a dream.

"I mean, you know, in a sense as that you're my best friend and I treat you as I would a boyfriend and always be there for you and stuff," he added, waking me up from my dream. Wait, more like loaded into a rifle and shot through my heart ten times over.

"So, you mean… like a fake boyfriend?" I asked, trying not to stutter or reveal my inner death.

"Yeah, a fake boyfriend!" he clarified. Well, 'stabbed' may be a better word. But you get the point.

"Oh… Yeah, that makes sense… Sure, Axel… I'll be your fake boyfriend," I half-heartedly agreed, despite the word 'fake' tearing me apart. He smiled warmly and leaned down in front of me, making me freeze completely. He kissed me on my cheek; putting salt in the wound, said goodbye then went up to his apartment. I stayed still for a few more moments, the shock of what just occurred settling in.

Tears stung my eyes and threatened to fall, but I kept them in. If I came home crying, my father would never let me live it down. I turned to a wall and punched it with every ounce of force I could muster. "Damn it!" I shouted, feeling the skin on my knuckles break.

If the emotional pain and numbing pain in my bloody hand wasn't bad enough, the second I stepped into my house, my father started chucking whatever he could get his hands on towards my head. I managed to dodge the first few things he threw, but got knocked down when he swung the side table lamp at my stomach. My back was then happily met with a dining room chair and one of my father's baseball bats. Yeah, sleeping and walking was going to be a bitch to do for a while. Eventually he got bored, called me a few names, scolded me for not having my homework done, and then stomped up to his room.

I crawled up the stairs to my own room and struggled to climb into my bed, grunting at the immense pain in my back. As much as I would've loved to stay there and focus on the physical pain alone, that was obviously not going to happen. What Axel said and did lingered over me and made me want to curl up in a little ball and just die. He shot down pretty much my only little bit of happiness in my miserable life and didn't even realize it. Fuck my life.

I kept the lights off and closed the blinds, drowning my room in darkness. I layed down on my bed and blasted music in my head; one song on repeat. Only music could ever make me feel better. If only I could just forget. But trying not to like Axel was proving to be difficult.

Now that my heart has been torn to little bitty pieces, and my only shred of happiness just left me in the dust, I guessed it was time for me to move on. The only thing keeping me from killing myself at this point was my Mom. The fact that she died trying to keep me safe and that she loved me. That's it. There was nothing else for me anymore.

Fuck. Why isn't the music making me feel better? I know it's a depressing song, but usually this works. It makes me feel like I'm not the only depressed person out there, or some shit like that. I don't even know. God… I… It's making me feel more like shit than I already am… God… Oh my god. I think I'm starting to freak out… Shitshitshitshit…

I rushed to the bathroom and locked the door, sliding down against it despite the terrible pain in my back. I pulled my knees up to my chest and held my head tightly in my hands, breathing heavily. 'Why the hell am I freaking out…? How do I make it stop…?' I looked over on my sink counter and saw my razor… I was too young to actually use it, but my father had me buy one anyway… Maybe… Maybe if I just let the adrenaline flow out… Maybe I could feel better that way…

I grabbed the razor and set it against my wrist. 'Am… Am I really going to do this…?' My hand started trembling, and I started freaking out even more. I just wanted it all to end! I closed my eyes as tight as I could and dragged the blade across my skin. I let out a shaky breath as the blood started flowing out of my wrist. It actually… didn't hurt as bad as I thought… It actually felt… really… good…

I felt all of my emotions flow out of me along with my blood as I started to calm down. I mindlessly watched the blood start to flow a little harder and start dripping on the floor. Damn, that was a nice shade of red… I wish I could paint it… Paint the entire canvas this wonderful color. Add something in the corner, maybe a pale yellow and some clear blue. Yes, that would look nice.

Wait, am I seriously thinking that? I snapped out of my trance as the reality of what I did finally came to light. 'Blood.' I quickly grabbed a wad of toilet paper and pressed it to my wrist to try and stop the bleeding. 'Blood.' I went to the medicine cabinet above the sink and grabbed the gauze. 'Blood.' Keeping the toilet paper where it was, I wrapped the gauze securely around my wrist.

I took deep, uneven breaths as I poorly tried to calm myself down. I just cut myself. I put a razor to my wrist and applied pressure. I… I… It felt good. Why did it work better than the music? Maybe it was the pain metaphorically flowing out? But how does that even work? I don't care, it helped. My pain was lessened, and I liked the feeling of the blood flowing out of me. The look of it calmed me. The beautiful warm red liquid covered my arm, and I…liked it?

The next day I tried to make myself more discreet than normal. I kept my sleeves rolled down all day even though it was really fucking hot in the school. I made sure to keep the gauze on and wear my wristbands just in case, though.

I made sure to keep clear of Axel all day, and it seriously helped that I had no classes with him today. I walked in the cafeteria and took my usual seat next to Vincent and pulled out my sketch book. I loved Vincent at times like these. He didn't ask questions, he was mostly the silent type. I zoned out as my pencil flew across the paper and created what my heart reflected. By the time I finished, I felt a hand on my shoulder that scared the shit out of me.

"Roxas, it's just me," Cloud reminded, calming me down from my mini heart attack. "Are you okay? You've been acting weird all day." I glanced over to Tifa, who was staring at my sketch book with a worried expression. I looked back to my work to see that I had sketched the picture I had in mind when I cut myself.

It was a boy hidden deep in the corner of a dark room, tears pouring out of his eyes and deep cuts all over his body. Splattered on the walls was the life that most likely came from the boy's own body. What seemed to bother me, though… was the fact that I drew the boy smiling.

I quickly closed my sketch book and shoved it back into my backpack. "Y-Yeah, I'm fine, Cloud… Just a little tired." Cloud obviously didn't buy it for one second, but I knew he wasn't going to press the issue unless he felt a serious need to. Tifa just glanced at me, following Cloud and taking a seat next to him as he sat next to Vincent.

Lunch went by fairly quickly. I didn't eat anything because I woke up a bit late and didn't have time to sneak anything from the kitchen. I wasn't that hungry, anyway. I was still a little messed up about my actions from last night. Cloud, Vincent, and Tifa kept sending me questionably worried glances, but I kept ignoring them and continued working on my sketch. When I got home, I planned on adding color to it. It'd look pretty badass when I got done with it.

After lunch, I waited for Cloud to say bye to Tifa (which all but killed me, considering they kissed). I got bored and annoyed slightly by watching them make out in the middle of the hall, so I turned to head off to study block on my own after saying bye to Vincent. Cloud must've seen me take off because I heard him give Tifa one last peck and chase after me.

"Roxas!" Cloud called, grabbing my wrist before I could get away. Just my luck, it was the wrist I cut and I yelped out in pain and snatched my hand away. "Roxas, what's wrong? What did you do to your hand?"

"Nothing, Cloud. I just fell on it the other day, and it's still bothering me, that's all," I lied. There was no way in hell I would tell Cloud that I cut. I don't care if he's my best friend, it would only make him mad at me. I was already plenty mad at myself, I didn't need Cloud to be, too.

Again, Cloud obviously didn't believe me. I knew he would try something later this time, but right now, we had to get to class. "Roxas… You know you can tell me anything, right?" Cloud asked with a hurt expression. I felt bad for making him worry, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell him…

"I know, Cloud. But I really don't have anything to tell you except for the fact that if you drag this conversation out any further, then we're gonna be late," I pointed out, trying to dodge any of Cloud's questions for the moment and escape to the silence of study block. Cloud seemed to have decided to drop the topic, considering he started quickening his pace to get to class.

Crisis avoided. For now.

I got home and my father wasn't there. Maybe he got held up at work or something. I didn't care, I was just thankful he wasn't here to give me shit. I really couldn't deal with it at the moment. I walked up to my room and flopped on the bed, just staring at the wall. I really didn't have anything to do. Not even homework. So now I was bored, depressed, and still guilty. Fuck.

I was starting to doze off when my phone vibrated violently in my pocket. Growling a bit, I pulled my phone out and glared at it, seeing it was Cloud.

From: Cloud [2:54 PM]
dude, are you okay? Talk to me…

From: Roxy [2:55 PM]
Cloud, I'm fine. There's nothing wrong.

From: Cloud [2:56 PM]
is it your dad again…?

Yes, Cloud knew about my father. He came over to hang out for a bit and when I went downstairs to get us something to drink, my father caught me and started accusing me of being gay for Cloud, which I'm obviously not. He walked in on my dad throwing me against the fridge. Cloud stood up for me, but was kicked out of my house forever. He still stayed my best friend, though, and I've always appreciated that.

From: Roxy [2:57 PM]
No, not this time.

From: Cloud [2:58 PM]
then what is it? Roxas please let me help.

From: Roxy [3:02 PM]
Axel… asked me something…

Yes, he also knew I've had a major crush on Axel since I met him. He was the only one who knew, though. He always supported me, but I've always been too shy to actually do anything.

From: Cloud [3:03 PM]
really? Did he finally ask you out? Roxy, that's amazing! What'd you say? Yes, of course. You said yes, didn't you?

From: Roxy [3:05 PM]
No, Cloud… he didn't ask me out… He… asked me to be his fake boyfriend…

From: Cloud [3:06 PM]
fake boyfriend? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

From: Roxy [3:07 PM]
Hell if I know… Cloud… I feel so dead inside…

From: Cloud [3:08 PM]
I'd be worried if you weren't. do you want me to come over?

I smiled at that. Cloud was always looking out for me. He'd risk being caught by my father to come and keep me sane. What did I do to deserve a best friend like him?

From: Roxy [3:10 PM]
My father's not home right now, but I don't know when he'll be back.

From: Cloud [3:11 PM]
that's fine. I'll just have to be even more ninja now won't i? ;3

God, I loved Cloud. I smiled as I set my phone down next to me and waited for him to ninja his way through my window and into my room. My wrist started stinging a bit with this slightly numbing pain. Ow. I probably should've disinfected it or something. Oh well. This kind of pain feels good, too. I'm still trying to figure out how, but right now I could really care less. I just needed something to help me take my mind off things and if pain was the answer, then I could give a shit. I fell asleep to the sound of the wind gently flowing into my room from the open window and the soothing sting in my wrist.

"Rooooooxas," I heard but ignored. Damn, I probably should've gone to bed last night. I'm so tired. "Roxas, rise and shine," the voice persisted. I curled into a tighter ball, letting the person know I just wanted some damn sleep. "Roxas, c'mon, especially after I came all the way over here." What? Oh, Cloud.

"Then, come snuggle with me, Clooouuuddd. I'm tiiiiired," I whined. I know he came over to talk, but I couldn't help it. My bed is too comfortable.

"If I must, your majesty," he smirked, getting into my bed and lying down beside me, my back to him. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to his chest. "This help?" he asked.

"Mhmm," I smiled in victory. Snuggling with Cloud always made me feel better, even when we were kids. But right now, I really just needed someone to hold me. "Cloud, thank you."

"Anytime, buddy. I'm always here for you." I fell back asleep, Cloud following suit. It wasn't until about an hour later when I was woken up by the front door slamming loudly against the frame.

"Hey, shit head! Get your ass down here!" I kicked Cloud out of the bed and quickly tried to get him to climb back out of the window so my father didn't catch him here.

"Roxas, I can't just leave you! Besides, we still need to talk about Axel," he pointed out.

"Then hide in the bathroom, just shut up!" I ordered, shoving my friend into the bathroom. I rushed downstairs and waited at the base for my father to tell me what he wanted. "Yes, father?"

"I had a bad day at work; my boss was being a dick again. Go down to the liquor store and get me a few bottles," he said.

"But father, I'm underage. I can't buy alcohol," I quietly mentioned.

"Are you talking back to me?" Shit, I shouldn't have done that. I cringed and took a step back, which was yet another mistake. "Now you're trying to get out of punishment? Oh no, we can't have that, Roxas. You need to learn to obey your father when he tells you to do something."

"I-I am, father," I whimpered. "I was just going to get my wallet." I know it was a poor excuse, but who could think in a situation like this?

"Roxas!" I heard. But not from my father. Shit, please tell me my ears are just playing tricks on me. Dear god, PLEASE. "Roxas, get away from him!"

"You? What the hell are you doing in my house, Strife?" No! Cloud! What did he think he was doing? My father then death gripped my hair, slamming me down to my knees. "I knew it! I knew you were doing something with this scum! Even after I deliberately told you to stay away from him! Are you stupid, or what? Why can't you ever listen to me, you poor excuse for anything!" he shouted. He gripped my hair tighter and picked me up, spitting in my face and throwing me across the room. I hit the wall seriously hard, enough so that I was losing consciousness.

"Roxas!" I heard Cloud scream. I could hear him rush down the stairs, but he was cut off by my father slamming him against the wall.

"What made you think it was okay to touch my son? You have no right, you dirty little slut!" Their words were beginning to get muffled, but I could somehow still make out what they were saying.

"What the hell possessed you to believe I did anything like that with Roxas?" Cloud shouted back.

"Oh so now he's not good enough? Wouldn't surprise me, he's not even worth keeping around, let alone pleasing his little toy!" I heard grunts and the sound of fists making contact with their opponents. The rest of this scuffle was lost to me because, against all of my will power, darkness overcame me.

100 Theme Challenge: I. Can't.
God, I have not written first person for quite a while .-. Also never wrote a cut scene :T I hope this is okay..
This originally started out as a vent fic and was only going to have 3 chapters, but I just put so much stuff in this one, that I had to split it up, lol.
Well, meh. More chapters. Wheeeee.
Pfft, well yeah. R&R, favs, and all that chiz would be quite lovely~ Virtual cookies for all!

Characters (c) to SQUARE ENIX
Song: "Trying Not To Love You" by Nickelback