Kingdom Hearts: The TRUTH
By: Silvertongue
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING mentioned here. I don't own Disney. I don't Own Square-Enix. I also do not the random quotes featured in my fics. Those belong to other people. Most importantly (or sadly) I do NOT own Kingdom Hearts ...if I did you'd KNOW. BOYS EVERYWHERE...TOUCHING. OH GOD THE TOUCHING.
Warnings: This contains slash mentionings, Kairi bashing, swearingm, and a bunch of other crap
THE BEGINNING
Square: LET'S MAKE ANOTHER ANGST FEST!! drinks coffee out of human skull mugs and plots things
Disney: skips up playing with a Mickey Doll Hey can we play with you guys?
Or maybe it happened like this...
Disney: finishes writing a HUGE stack of papers FINISHED! It shall be the GREATEST GAME EVA!!
Square: steals No no this will never do! changes whole script There see now it's better! There's KEYS now!
Disney: But...now it's all your stuff...and who fights with a giant key?!...OMFG there's GUY ON GUY?! This is not Disney!
Square:...Ok we'll save that for the second game...meanwhile it'll sell like hotcakes!
Michael Eisner: MONEY!! AND PANCAKES?! WTF ARE WE WAITING FOR?! LET'S DO IT!
Other Disney people: but...but the children...
Michael Eisner: SCREW THE CHILDREN I HAVE MONEY!!
The CHARACTERS:
Sora: I'm Sora...the Square part of me is brave and secretly emo while the Disney part of me is suicidal over the fanfics that will be written about me, Riku, and every other guy in this game giving it up behind the bleachers.
Kairi: I'm only here so Disney can say they didn't make this game completly gay
Riku: I'M SEXY and angsty...but MOSTLY SEXY
Selphie, Tidus, Wakka: We Just Don't Matter!
Donald and Goofy:...Do we have to say it?
THE DREAM
cue opening music that is pretty but has NO MEANING and does not correlate whatsoever to the opening cinematics
Utada: Hey it gets me paid shrugs
Utada Fans: OMFG UTA-CHAN!! LEMME TOUCH YOU CAUSE IN JAPAN IT'S TOTALLY LEGAL
Sora: stands on beach
Riku: stands in water AND LOOKS SEXY DOIN IT
Sora: OMFG YOU DIDN'T WAIT AN HOUR AFTER EATING!!
Riku: Well you better come get me then holds out hand
Tidal Wave: I DON'T THINK SO BITCHES! hits them both and laughs
Riku: is held afloat by his SEXINESS
Sora: drowns
Kairi: walks along beach Wow...for a 14 year old skank I sure am pretty tiny...weird
Sora: pops up like Ariel Take that you red head whore!
Kairi: Sora...LET'S DO IT!
Sora: OMG THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE SKY!! totally ignores Kairi
Kairi: points Wow...Sqaure loves their random yet totally foreshadowing angst scenes don't they?
Sora: WTF IS THAT?!
Kairi: HOLY CRAP QUICKSAND points down
Sora: Crap...sinks into sand
Sora: lands in water...AGAIN Well that totally defies logic...
Mysterious Glass Print of Snow White: DEFIES SCIENCE BY BEING THERE
Mysterious Voice: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE
ONLY ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Sora: Oo Umm ok...
Weapons: POP UP
Sora: Isn't this made of glass?
MV: yea what's your point?
Sora: umm well wouldn't this thing break if pedestals were THRUST UP THROUGH IT? Actually shouldn't it have broken once I LANDED ON IT...with my GIANT SHOES?!
MV: ...No
Sora: picks the shield Wow I bet this thing is tough!
MV:...face palm
Author: I seriously do not know why that damn shield is a choosable weapon. I mean COME ON! A Shield?!
Sora: Let's go! fights Heartless while doing MEANINGLESS taks
MV: Ok...See that door? You need to hit that barrel to open it. Go ahead...Take your time.
Sora:...That doesn't seem to make much sense...
MV: Yes it does...what would you know? You don't even go to school!
Sora: DO TOO! It's..has hand clapped over mouth
MV: HUSH...we can't know about that til the second game!
Sora: What do people actually think all we ever do is run about un-supervised on this tiny little island all the time? COME ON
Darkside: leaps out of Sora's shadow causing MASSIVE MENTAL TRAUMA to Sora and a side order of foreshadowing to the gamers
Sora: ok that's it...I'm waking up
DESTINY ISLANDS
Setting: VERY SMALL ISLAND in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, LIGHTYEARS AWAY FROM CIVALIZATION.
Buzz Lightyear: TO INFINITY...AND BEYOND!!
The Author:...no one even remembers who you are.
Sora: snoozes quite close to the water and apparently has NO CONCERNS of drowning mumble mumble...damn foreshadowing dreams...paopu leaves...gotta stop eating them
Kairi: assertes her role as a confident woman and beats the smack out of her potential love interest RESPECT ME! OBEY! WAKE UP AND TELL ME I'M PRETTY!!
Sora: WTF HOR! I mean uhh...let me babble incessently and stare at you, asking you pointless questions about your homeland so it can be brought up as a plot point later. he does so
SoKai fans: OMFG THEY ARE ON THE SAME BEACH!! It'S DESTINY!!
The Author: LITERALLY...get it? Destiny...the Islands?...oh whatever..
SoKai Fans: crickets
Kairi: Hold up there my good chums...this wouldn't be a Square game if there wasn't ROMANTIC ANGST. Enter the "Sexy Best Friend/Love Rival!"
Loudspeakers: cue Sexy Back music
Sora: When did the Island get speakers? Or music that wasn't from the 1980's?!
Riku: struts up LOOKING SEXY What up bitches? cocky grin Let me assert my male dominance over Sora by CHUCKING THIS LOG AT HIM he does
Sora: is hit by LARGE LOG and flails about in the water as his friends DO NOTHING
oh wait they flirt...
Kairi: giggles and shamelessy tries to come on to Rike cause let's be honest: he's freakin hot
Riku: flirts right back
Riku: stares at Sora with MEANINGFUL LOOK
Kairi: drool
Sora: a cobweb filled gear slowly turning
Sora: WHY WON'T PUBERTY HIT ME YET?!
Riku: no you'll get there soon...you'll just have to sleep in a giant egg caccoon thing for about a year and suffer immense emotial and mental anguish and then when you get out we can discover our latent homosexual feelings for each other and FLAUNT IT all over the second game (which is technically the third)...sound good to you?
The Author: Oh right...SPOILER WARNING
SoRi fangirls: YAY!! WE EXIST
Sora:...Can I buy some pot from you?
Disney Fans: OMFG DRUGS?! IN A DISNEY GAME?! WE ARE SHOCKED!! (and probably self-righteous!)
The Author:Yea well GOD FORBID Disney have ANYTHING bad for kids...like their movies aren't FULL of innuendo and HIDDEN SECRETS (HITN HINT HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME)
Disney Fans: well...stfu
Kairi: Let's run along the beach for no reason and just to make you guys fight against each other for me (so I can feel wanted even though I'm a whore), LETS MAKE IT A RACE!!
Riku: is staring at Sora
Sora: is staring at Riku
Everyone Playing: wtf... OO
Sora: If I win I get Kairi
SoRi Fans: NOOOOOO SO CLOSE!!
SoKai Fans: HA DISNEY LOVE SHALL ALWAYS BE PURE!!
Riku: yea well if I win we're gonna go in the Secret Place for some "fighting time"
SoRi Fans: TALK TO THE HAND
Kairi: RUN DAMN YOU!! I COMMAND IT!! breathes flames
Riku: YIPE! Girl anger! looks at Sora one more time then runs off
Sora: sees a crab coming out of the water OMFG RUN!!
GIANT LOGO DESCENDS FROM SKY
Sora: OH DEAR GOD!! WE'LL BE CRUSHED BY IT! screams like a girl
Riku: wow...1 hour into the game we have the title show up...This is the weirdest game ever
Sora: Ok so what now?
Kairi: GO GET ME THINGS! Seriously we need stuff...
Sora: gets list
Sora: gets things after SEARCHING for HOURS for the DAMN COCONUTS and WATER
Sora: why am I the only one doing this?!
Kairi: Because your my slave-bitch. Accept it.
Sora: wtf are we gonna do with all this crap anyway?
Kairi: you idiot this is for our plot device/trip. We're gonna sail off to find other worlds!
Sora: you mean we're gonna sail on that TWO INCH WIDE ricketey RAFT into the FIERCE UNFORGIVING OCEAN filled with SHARKS for DAYS and our only provisions will be 3 fish, a rope, ONE BOTTLE of fresh water, and 2 COCONUTS?! AND YET I'M THE IDIOT?!
Kairi: ...it was Riku's idea.
Sora: where is he anyway?
MEANWHILE on the little Paopu island...
Riku: plays with Sora and Riku dolls
Riku: why yes Riku...I DO WANT YOU! Your supreme masculinity, awesome hair, bulging muscles that have no purpose being on a fifteen year old, and sparkling eyes have swayed me!
Every Girl playing: OH TOTALLY
Riku: makes the dolls make out
Riku: yea...that's totally how it's gonna happen...
Sora: runs up I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!
Riku: tosses dolls into ocean then lays the smackdown on Sora
Sora: cries like a bitch
Fangirls: marvel over how FLEXIBLE Riku is
The Author: HOW DOEs HE DO HIS LEGS LIKE THAT?! OO
SOMETIME LATER
Kairi sits upon her throne I grow bored with this...I demand you two fight over me again. Winner gets some in the SECRET PLACE
Sora: ok then but just to make it interesting...if I win...
Riku: I GET TO SHARE THE PAOPU WITH KAIRI cough and Sora cough
Sora: uhh ok
They race, Sora LOSES.
Riku: BOOYAH! RIKU GONNA GET SOME TONIGHT!!
Kairi: TELL ME I'M PRETTY!!
Sora: walks to large tree and finds SECRET PLACE...I hope Tidus and Wakka aren't in here again...last time they wouldn't let anyone else in for hours...
TiWa fans: YAY!! WE EXIST TOO!!
Selphie: I want to be loved...pouts in the SHAME CLOSET with all the other FF rejects
Cait Sith: At least you get screen time YY
Door: IS THERE
Sora: tags walls
The Author:...ok am I the ONLY one who thinks that the picture of Kairi looks like Riku?!
Mysterious Figure that Appears MYSTERIOUSLY: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORS...DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSS
Sora: AMBER ALERT!! I NEED AN ADULT!! runs
Mysterious Figure: DAMN...guess I'll have to rape his best friend later after I seduce him with darkness...
Disney: ok this is getting outta hand here...
Square: can't hear them over the sound of counting money
THE OTHER DAYS ON THE ISLAND
These scenes have been cut for time
The Author: Plus it's Boring...
DISNEY CASTLE
The Level: HA HA YOU AMERICANS CAN'T PLAY ON ME!!
Everyone Playing: sobs
Donald: OH NOES
Goofy: snores
Mickey flies away from Castle
Chip and Dale: defy logic by being MECHANICS for LARGE SHIPS
Chip: I'm an advanced engineer that has the ability to program these jelly bean blocks to traverse space and time!
Dale: ZOMG NUTS!!
THAT NIGHT
Sora: stares out window meaningfully
Storm: APPROACHES
Sora: OMG THE RAFT OF IMPORTANCE! I must hurry forth into the LIGHTENING and row my way across the WATER to get to the ISLAND OF EMPTINESS that has many TALL TREES/LIGHTENING RODS. he does so
The Author: ...Why is it that whenever something bad happens there's ALWAYS a STORM?
Heartless: HEH HEH BITCH! We're here too! skuttle about
Sora: LE GASP runs away screaming
The Secret Place: is blocked by FORESHADOWING DOOR
Sora: damn...can't open it...not gonna explain why...better find Riku so he can help me open it
Riku: BATHES IN DARKNESS
Sora: wow...for some reason I can't look away from that...
Every Girl Playing: DITTO
The Author: is taping it
Riku: COME WITH ME...INTO THE NIGHT!
Sora: MM KAY reaches but can't quite get it CURSE THESE SHOES!
Kairi: stands about like a zombie I shouldn't have tried those mushrooms...
Sora: is heard from distance cursing because he can't FIND HIS WAY in the DARK
The Author: took me 4 minutes...grumbles
Sora: stubs toe DAMMIT
Kairi: SOOOOOOORAAAAAAAAAA goes through him
Sora: Did we just do it?! OMG MY VIRGINITY!!
Darkside: BACK WITH A VENGENCE BABY totally destroys Island and leaves them fighting in NOTHINGNESS with a giant BLACK HOLE behind them
Sora: defeats Darkside and falls into black hole
TRAVERSE TOWN
Donald and Goofy: ARE THERE
Squall/LEON: IS THERE
Cid: IS THERE...CURSING
Sora: LANDS IN ALLEY and is MOLESTED BY PLUTO
Sora: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!
Squall/LEON: It's your destiny...beats and drags off his body
The Author: Didn't I win this fight?! OO
Sora: hallucinates OMG KAIRI
Yuffie: YAY SOMEONE THOUGHT I WAS IMPORTANT!! FOR TWO SECONDS I FELT LOVE!!
Squall/LEON: get back in the closet where you belong...
Yuffie: decides to flirt with Squall instead
LeYu Fans: join the Fandom Society
Squall/LEON: torments Sora with USELESS FACTS
Sora: I HAVE A KEY...AND PEOPLE WANT IT...for some reason that you apparently decided not to tell me about
Yuffie: You'd be surpised how many people have locked themselves out of their cars
MEANWHILE
Donald: I'M TOUGH
Goofy: I can't understand a word your saying...this is gonna be a looooooooong game
Aerith: I changed my name for NO REASON AT ALL! taps Donald on shoulder
Donald: AHHHHHH DEAD GIRL
Haley Joel Osment: Dead people are EVERYWHERE OO
MEANWHILE...FAR FAR AWAY...
Sepiroth: Methinks a killin is in order...sharpens his OVERLY LONG SWORD, conditions his OVERLY LONG HAIR, and puts on his OVERLY LONG COAT...THINGY
The Author: obligatory joke that only ONE PERSON WILL GET IS EVERYTHING ON THIS GUY LONG?!
Mike: is probably laughing right now
LATER
Heartless: SWARM
Sora and Squall/LEON: fight like animals
Speakers: plays Eye of the Tiger
Sora: wanders about ALONE in the Third District
Donald and Goofy: are ABOVE
AND NOW THEY'RE NOT
Sora/Donald/Goofy Fans: ...
Sora: OH GOD MY SPINE
Donald: THE KEY OF IMPORTANCE! I'll just go ahead and assume that's it considering there can't be that many giant keys wandering about
THE BIG BAD: APPEARS MUAHAHAHAA I SHALL NOW HIT YOU WITH MY FLYAWAY PARTS!! is defeated after THREE TIMES...seriously I hate that damn guy
Sora: well I have never met you guys before nor do I know if you have any alterior motives... but I need to find my friends so ...LET'S TRAVEL TOGETHER!!
Selphie, Wakka, and Tidus: ARE NOT MENTIONED
The Parents: ARE NOT MENTIONED
Donald: ok but you have to stop gradually becoming emo...
Goofy: yea! HAPPY FACES!!
Sora: does the STUPIDEST FACE EVER
Everyone playing the game: WTF?! MY EYES!!
The Author: takes pills so she doesn't kill herself after seeing that image
Squall/LEON: yea...you need to go now
WONDERLAND
White Rabbit:RUNS
Sora and the Gang: FOLLOWS
The Door: IS THERE...SLEEPING
Sora: Dude wake up...I need to be inside you
Door: GTFO
Sora: clueless blink
Sora: sees table with unknown substance on it
Door: yea maybe you should drink that
Sora: Ok! follows the advice of a STRANGER and drinskthe STRANGE LIQUID/POSSIBLE POISON
Sora: shrinks
Sora's shoes: ARE STILL LARGE
Inside the door: COURT TIME
Speakers: law and order theme plays
Queen of Hearts: I AM ETERNALLY BITCHY!! YOU ALL MUST DIE!!
Alice: SCREW YOU HOR I DID NOTHING!
Queen: your point?
Sora: intrudes I know this is none of my business and I have no right to meddle...especially since this is not my world and I could totally destroy all your lives just by LOOKING at you..but..OBJECTION!
Phoenix Wright: WHAT HE SAID
Queen: fine whatever go frolic in the forest and find stuff then
Alice: HELP is locked in cage that appears from nowhere
Sora: Don't worry! I'll find clues to solve this case I knwo absolutly nothing about. Just let me go wander around int hat freaky forest and find random things to use as evidence.
goofy: It's a good thing nobody's life is dependent on this or else we'd be screwed
Alice: I'm doomed...
The Forest: ...is not very exciting
Flower: give me a potion and I'll make you bigger...
Sora:...how big we talking here? Cause I do need-
The Author: wtf?! This really is the weirdest Disney movie
Cheshire Cat: I'm gonna SCREW WITH YOUR MIND!
Sora: ummm why?
Chesire Cat: Cause I can
LATER
Queen: wow you brought back sufficient evidence...all signs point to the Heartless...this is pretty much an open and shut case..HOWEVER I demand you pick one of your boxes from the line after it's been mixed in with my boxes
Sora: THAT MAKES NO SENSE...and what's in your boxes?
Queen: ENEMIES
Sora: Well this is starting to become stupid
Sora: opens random box
Queen: YOU LOSE! KILL THEM ALL
Sora: OH NO
Donald: OH NO
Goofy: OH NO
Alice: OH NO
Kool Aid Man: bursts through wall OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The Author: Guess what? I totally stole that
Random Pointless Battle that takes FOREVER: begins
Alice: is GONE
Sora: well damn...
Nobody: wuestions how the hell someone managed to sneak in and make off with her without being seen or heard or how they managed to raise the cage again without using the lever that is right next to the Queen
Cheshire Cat: BACK FOR AN ENCORE!!
The Big Bad of THIS LEVEL: APPEARS
Trickmaster: is STRETCHY
Table and Chairs: We'll HELP YOU!
Stove: I WON'T
TBB: smashes table and chairs
Stove: whistles innocently while lighting Trickmaster's torches
Sora:...double damn
OLYMPUS COLISEUM
The Level: is NOT ACCURATE
Phil: I'm apparently from Brooklyn
Sora: Makes about as much sense as everything else in here
Phil: This is for the big kids shorty. And even though there is NO ONE ELSE here and I desperatly need someone to fight in my Tournament, I'M NOT LETTING YOU IN
Hades: smuggles Sora in ILLEGALY
Sora: YAY I'm a FELON
Cloud: ANGSTS and walks about with his awesome red cape
Somewhere Far Far Away...
Vincent: comes out of the shower and looks for cape I'VE BEEN ROBBED!!
BACK ON OLYMPUS
Sora: Wow look it's my cough father cough look alike! MAYBE HE'LL BE MY FRIEND!! LET'S GO TO A BASBALL GAME TOGETHER!! HUG ME DADEEEE!!
Cloud: NO halfway kills
FLASHBACK
Hades: raises Cloud from the dead ok so I'm gonna need you to take this sword and go kill an innocent kid? Get it? Got it? Good.
Cloud: Is no one going to question how I'M dead but AERIS is alive? Anyone?
Hades: I'm bascially Satan so I better start double crossin
Cerberus: RAR I AM LARGE crushes Cloud
Cloud: Well damn...I'm dead...AGAIN
Hercules: comes to save the day BEHOLD MY INEFFECTUAL POWERS!!
Sora: where have you been?
Herc: Shopping for pants
Phil: HE CAN'T DO IT
Sora: I'll do it!
Phil: YOU CAN'T DO IT
Sora: CAN SO does it
Phil:...well damn
Herc: I'll give you guys this lame badge to show you are JUNIOR heroes now even though you totally defeated an INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING MONSTER that I with my GODLY POWERS was unable to defeat for some reason
Sora: WHEEEEEEEE
DEEP JUNGLE
The Players: wow someone actually cared enough about Tarzan to make a level of it on this game
Sora: crashes Gummi ship
Doanld: buys a gun
Sabor: YAY THE AUTHOR REMEMBERED MY NAME!! attacks Sora
Sora: beats with giant key
Sabor: runs off calling PETA
Donald:...how come we didn't die when we plummeted all the way down here?
Goofy: LOOK A MONKEY
Clayton: appears It'S MINE
Peta: keeps an eye on the idiot with the GIANT GUN
Sora: well what now?
Tarzan: jumps down and stares at Sora like a nice steak dinner
Sora: Wtf? do actually have DREADS?!
Sora: is able to slide around on apparently slippery trees
Tarzan: feels no pain walking around with NO SHOES
Jane: SERVES NO PURPOSE I left my home, family, and large fortune to come to AFRICA because I want to talk to Gorillas yet all I do all day is stand in this tent and talk about pictures
Sora: wow and I thought I didn't have a life...
Clayton: We better go shoot those gorillas
Everyone: stares
Clayton: ...WITH HUGS! shifty eyes
Sabor: appears many more times
Tarzen: doesn't really help
Donald: do you have to grunt like that everytime you THRUST YOUR SPEAR?!
Tarzan: well if I didn't the author wouldn't be able to make a dirty joke
The Author: damn straight
LOUD GUNSHOT(
Clayton:...I was ...cleaning it? OO
Gorilla Hangout
Kerchak: is a total gorilla pimp
Tarzan: in gorilla talk Come on Gorilla Daddy...we just need a little help and all you'd have to do is-
KerchaK: NO walks off
Tarzan: is totally burned
The Big Bad: IS CLAYTON
Clayton: HA DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING DIDJA?!
Everyone: yea we totally did...your pretty obvious
Clayton: WELL MY INVISIBLE BEAST IS NOT
Invisible Beast: easily defeated
Clayton: is stunned
Sora: well it's time for my Disney half to teach you that guns ARE NOT OK
Donald: however killing countless peoples for our own justice is JUST FINE
Clayton: is murdered
The Children Playing: YAY!! Let's go kill people too! Everyone will just blame GTA!
Rockstar: Dammit it all hides in cardboard box
TRAVERSE TOWN...AGAIN
Squall/LEON: Dear gods they're BACK!! Quickly, take this book and LEAVE ME to my ANGST
Sora: goes to RIDICULOUS DOOR and casts fire causing the cloth to MELT revealing ANOTHER door of EXACT APPEARANCE...yup
Donald: why didn't I just do that the first time we were here?
Merlin's House: NEEDS CLEANING I feel so abandoned...SOMEONE LOVE ME
Sora: hallucinates Ok this is getting old
The Author: AGREES
Merlin: I am here...let me use my LAZY MAGIC to unpack for me...FOR I AM MAGIC
Sora: dude...we get it
Merlin: GO PLAY WITH POOH
HUNDRED ACRE WOOD
The Level: IS VANDALIZED
Pooh: is FORGETFUL
People Playing: DO NOT CARE
BACK TO TRAVERSE TOWN
Speakers on lamps: plays Sexy Back
Sora: Does anyone else hear music? WAIT I KNOW THAT THEME MUSIC!
Riku: SUP BITCHES...I SURVIVED...and I'M TORMENTED
Sora: assaults and tugs Riku's face
Riku: STEP
Heartless: tries to go for Riku
Sora: suddenly gains to ability to kill in one hit
Riku: plays with keyblade I'm foreshadowing
Sora: Doesn't question Riku's knowledge of the Keyblade
Donald: I'M GONNA SPLIT YOU TWO APART
Sora: has Kairi reincarnated into you?
Maleficent: You don't need these tools...coem back to me ...in the darkness...so we can do things to you...in the DARK
AGRABAH
Jasmine: OH WOE I am out of character!
Jafar: menaces
Malificent: joins
Both of them: dicuss their plan OUT IN THE OPEN
Jasmine: HARK I DOTH HEAR A PLOT! runs off
Aladdin: OH WOE!! I AM DROWNING IN SAND!
Everyone Else: Get used to it...it's EVERYWHERE
This Joke: was totally brought to you by Aladdin and the King of Thieves
The Author: has a grudge against that movie WHY DIDN'T THEY GO WITH THE MOZENRATH SCRIPT?!
Mozenrath Fangirls (trust me they exist): RIP Jonathan Brandis!!
Sora: fights many battles
Cave of Wonders: MY TURN!! proves difficult to kill
Sora: it's time to apply the authors favorite way of fighting on here! hops up on bad guys head and uses donald and goofy for bait letting them take the bad guy almost down to zero then delivers the killing blow
Sora: puts down his lemonade long enough to stab Cave of Wonders in eye KEYBLADE MASTER BEEYOTCH
Jafar: stupidly wishes for STUPID THINGS and takes HOURS to do it, thereby letting the good guys CATCH UP
Sora: dude...you suck
Jasmine: WOE I am unconcious! I'm even MORE HELPLESS than I was earlier when I couldn't break out of that FLIMSY POT
Jafar: flies around shooting at nothing in particular
Genie: hits you more than the bad guy
Sora: WTF MAN?!
Jafar: turns into genie of BADASSERY
Iago: I'm GONNA MAKE THIS EASY FOR YA
Jafar: WHY DON'T I EVER THINK THIS THROUGH?!
The Author: would like to take the time to point out that if you get OUTSMARTED by SORA you really are STUPID
Jasmine: IS GONE
Sora: hmmm I'm beginning to sense a pattern here...
Speakers: are just barely heard playing Sexy Back
MONSTRO
Gummi Ship: is eaten
Captain Ahab: FETCH ME HARPOON!
Pinocc...Pinot Grigio...THE DAMN PUPPET: skips about
Geppetto: DOES NOT SUPERVISE
Cleo (for those who do not know IS A FISH): facefin
Sora: explores the insides of the whale and IS NOT GROSSED OUT or DIGESTED because apaprently whale insides are made of CANDY
Kids Playing This Game: fail science
Speakers: plays Sexy Back
Riku: taunts Sora
Sora: plays dumb
Riku: kidnapps puppet for some reason LET'S PLAY TAG
The Puppet: I NEED AN ADULT
The Big Bad: I'M AN ADULT swallows the Puppet...NOT THAT WAY
Geppetto: Hmm it feels like I should be out there looking too...oh well walks around on ship talking to the fish
The Big Bad: holds the Puppet captive in his stomach
Sora: stands exactly where he is and doesn't move until Riku, Donald, and Goofy get the Big Bad to almost zero
The Author: takes this time to get some good Riku Staring time in
The Big Bad: escapes
Everyone Playing: DAMMIT
The Author: Didn't I just win that fight?!
Speakers: STILL PLAYING
Riku: I grabbed the Puppet while no one was looking...
Sora: well let's go take him back then
Riku: NO I NEED HIS HEART FOR REASONS I WON'T EXPLAIN runs off
Sora: shrugs and chases after Riku
Riku: Im evil now. I need to suck out the heart of this puppet to fuel my DARKNESS
Sora: Ok wait a second...first off there is NO FREAKING WAY that piece of WOOD has a heart
Donald: Yea and secondly WTF?
The Big Bad: ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP
Riku: runs away
Speakers: finally shut off
Fangirls Playing: NOOOOOOOOO THE HOTTNESS IS GONE...AND THE MUSIC
Sora: defeats The Big Bad...FINALLY
Sora: did we really accomplish anything here?
Pinocchio: DADDY! I'm BACK
Gepetto: ...who are you again?
ATLANTICA
The Level: IS WATERY
Sora: turns into FANSERVICE
The Players: OMG underage jailbait Sora! TAKE IT AWAY WE DON'T WANT TO SEE!!
Pedophile Players: WE DO takes pictures
Ariel: swims up Our world has been overrun with Heartless and I'm in constant danger but being the REBELLIOUS teenager I am I'll become friends with the first thing I see
Sora: is taught to swim because even though he grew up on an ISLAND he is unable to move in the water without help
King Triton: is an ASS
Sebastian: is a SNITCH
Ariel: NEEDS AN ASS WHIPPING...if ya know, she had one...
Ursula: ACTS EVIL
Ariel: TOTALLY FALLS FOR IT
Ursula: ALMOST DESTROYS ATLANTICA
Ariel: hmmm somehow I think this might possibly be my fault...
Sora: God must I do EVERYTHING?! kills Ursula
King Triton: I only acted an ass because I needed someone to do all this work for me...because even though I have MIGHTY SEA POWERS I am pretty lazy
Goofy: ok seriously...how did you get elected King of the Seas?
Sora: god it can't possibly be worse than this...
People who have played Kingdom Hearts 2: ...
HALLOWEEN TOWN
Christains: It's a Halloween based movie...IT MUST BE EVIL!! Behold the lack of bright coloring...EVIL!!
The Author: glares
The Fans of NBC: wow this is gonna be fun! Nightmare Before Christmas is AWESOME
The Level: IS BORING
The Fans: cut themselves with Jack Knives We got these at Hot Topic
The Author: Because everyone who likes NBC is an Emo/Goth...
Jack: is moody
Sally: is suffering from sexual tension
Jack: as a guy notices NOTHING
The Author: comforts Sally and tells her to move on with her life and star in an NBC sequel where she takes over her OWN holiday like Valentines Day and KILLS EVERYONE
Oogie Boogie: is surprisingly LAME
Lock, Shock, and Barrel: are harder to fight than the ACTUAL BOSS
NEVERLAND
The Level: Is a PIRATE SHIP
Jack Sparrow: Is not there
The Fans: sobbing We'll wait for you Jack!!
Speakers: blare Sexy Back
Riku: Is showing up a lot now dude...I hate you now even though I totally don't...look what I found! holds up Kairi's dead like body
The Reason her body suddenly appeared and where Riku found it: the scene has been cut for time
Sora: who is that?
Riku: THROW THEM IN THE BRIG
Riku: I AM the Pirate KING
Captain Hook: has no power over his own ship GOd I am SO stabbing that kid in a minute
Riku: What was that?
Hook: umm...Smee did it?
Smee: SCREW YOU
Sora: lies in JUMBLE OF BODY PARTS
Peter Pan: IS THERE
Sora: wow...I never realized how GAY you look...aren't you like 16?
Peter Pan: you would recognize a gay man...and STFU Disney owns me...I'm not allowed to age...kinda like how Hilary Duff is never allowed to have sex
Tinkerbell: is still bitchy and jealous after 50 years
Peter Pan: Bitch open the door!
Tinkerbell: chimes her ANNOYING bells for hours before finally opening the damn door
The Author: tries for 30 minutes to squash her like a bug
Anti Sora: is BADASS
Sora: my god...that would be so cool if it wasn't gonna beat the shit outta me...
Everyone Playing: takes a minute to wonder if there's a cheat code that let's you play as Anti Sora
Everyone who has played Kingdom Hearts 2:
Riku: has run off with Kairi's body
The Author: Wow even without a heart she still has guys fighting over her...lucky bitch
Sora:is made to walk the plank Shouldn't I be tied up?
Smee: Nah it's good. Your gonna die anyway
Sora: But I even have my weapon still...I mean honestly what's stopping me from just kicking your ass?
Smee:...well I have these THREE heartless here with me
The Auther: seriously...three...wtf
Peter Pan: FLY YOU IDIOT! IT'S THE ONYL WAY TO WIN
Sora: flies around I could have done that walking you realize?
Peter: This way is cooler
Captain Hook: now that everyone's gone I can come out and fight!
Sora: throws his ass to the croc
HOLLOW BASTION
The Level: wins award for BEST NAME EVER
People Who Played Kingdom Hearts 2: ...
Riku: stands up top of waterfall looking angry
Beast: runs up and recieves beatdown for being so DAMN PATHETIC
Everyone Playing: well god no wonder his woman left him...
Sora: DUDE WTF Riku?!
Riku: hold that thought...runs to get stereo and puts in cd
Stereo: plays Sexy Back
Riku: ok starts acting a REAL ASS
Donald and Goofy: TOTALLY DESERT SORA
Everyone Playing: WTF?!
The Author: I knew we couldn't trust those bitches...
The Beast: Guess I'll tag along with you...but at the FIRST SIGN of my woman I'm leaving...I need to get laid so I don't die...
Disney: my god we really did write that didn't we?
Riku: appears with his new Lackeys
Beast: falls for an OBVIOUS TRAP
Riku: Time for a beatdown
Goofy: Well time for me to go back to Sora cause I'm so DAMN GOOD and PURE
Donald: sighs and follows
Sora: gives CORNIEST SPEECH EVER
Riku: turns evil just so he can beat Sora to death
Riku: BEHOLD THE POWER OF MY MAN SKIRT! IT GIVES ME +13 AGILITY (also it makes my ass look AWESOME)
The Author: ...is it bad that I agree with that?
Speakers: plays Linkin Park
Sora: fights Riku
The Author: is conflicted between finishing the game and hurting Riku
The Author's Sadistic Bloodlust side: DECIDES TO OWN THAT ASS
Riku: crawls away whining like an emo
Ansem: RAPES RIKU'S MIND and TAKES OVER HIS BODY
Maleficent: Wow I'm finally showing up again
Sora: GIVE KAIRI BACK
Donald: elbows
Sora: sigh and the others too
Maleficent: I WILL END YOU
Sora: ends her
Maleficent: damn I didn't see that coming...
Riku/Ansem: I did stabs with shiny new BADASS keyblade
The Author: DEAR GOD I WANT THAT THING
Maleficent: turns into her awesome dragon form and breathes her awesome green fire
Sora: totally kills by hiding up on the highest branch in room and letting Donald and Goofy get burned doing all the work
Sora: wow that was easy! I'm getting better at this
Donald and Goofy: have 3rd degree burns
Kairi: lies dead on floor
Riku/Ansem:looks sexy posing on top of last keyhole
Riku/Ansem: I miss my old theme music...no I don't ...yes I do...STOP ARGUING WITH MYSELF
Sora: runs up stairs
Goofy: hits STUPID barrier and is thrown backward
Sora: I don't like where this is going...
Donald: is backslapped across screen
Riku/Ansem: dusts hands and begins to SCREW with Sora's mind
Sora: has emo fit and hears voices in his head
Kairi's voice: TELL ME I'M PRETTY
Sora: AHHH MAKE IT STOP vents frustration on Riku/Ansem
Riku/Ansem:...well this sucks vanishes
Sora: stays true to his Square side and commits SUICIDE with Riku's keyblade of awesomeness
Disney Fans: OH MY GOD
Square: counts money
The Author: DON'T GET BLOOD ON THE KEYBLADE!!
MEANWHILE AT CASTLE OBLIVION
Roxas: appears I EXIST
Axel: I'M IN LOVE!! begins his career as pedophilic stalker
Namine: I've been here
Xigbar: plays on ceiling
BACK AT HOLLOW BASTION
Donald and Goofy: are traumatized
Kairi: wakes up WHY IS NO ONE TELLING ME I'M PRETTY?!
Sora: is heartless
The Author: LUCKY BASTARD
Kairi: CANNOT FIGHT...no seriously she sucks I'll protect you! ...oh shit nvm cowers
Sora: turns back into Human I AM REVIVED BY THE POWER OF HUGS
TRAVERSE TOWN
Squall/LEON: Your STILL ALIVE?! Go back to Hollow Bastion and die
Sora: Was there even a reason for me to come back here?
Cid: cusses up a storm but is censored by Disney
Cid's Cigarette: HAS BECOME A TOOTHPICK
HOLLOW BASTION
Sora: flies RIGHT BACK TO WHERE HE JUST WAS
Donald: You know for place that just had the DOOR TO HELL opened it's surprisingly calm here
Beast: Your STILL ALIVE?!
Sora: YOUR still alive?!
Belle: Here have a keychain you really coulda used earlier
Beast: ...so...how's things?
Belle: Wouldn't you like to know Mr. I'm gonna Desert my Woman to DARKNESS
Beast: is gonna sleep on the couch tonight
Sora: wanders about for a week trying to figure out WHERE THE HELL he's supposed to go
The Author: I really hate this part... I twas hard enough doing it once...WHY CAN'T THEY HAVE SIGNS?!
Sora: finally gets back to where the keyhole is and finds the Oblivion keychain
The Author: Well that's about ten shades of awesome...funny how you find that in the same place as the EXTREMELY hard fight you coulda really used it in
Sora: enters keyhole
Immature Players: snicker...he entered the keyhole...lmao
Behemoth: APPEARS FROM NOWHERE WITH NO WARNING AND STOMPS SORA FLAT
The Author: Was I the ONLY ONE who had this happen?!
Sora: administers beatdown and seals the door to Hell
Satan: CURSES
THE END OF THE WORLD
The World: is ending
Sora: wow there's like...nothing here...
Goofy: except that stuff that is
they fight...a LOT
Chernabog: APPEARS
Everyone Playing: who the hell is that?!
The Author: ... my god you people suck
Sora: kills him in the height of his glory
The Author: sobs and plays Night on Bald Mountain repeatedly in the DARK
Destiny Islands: is totally DESTROYED
Sora: Damn I know Riku hated this place but he didn't have to totally KILL IT
Donald: he's such an emo
Goofy: Like totally
Sora:runs to the SECRET PLACE...FOR NO REASON and for yet another unexplained reason this causes Riku to APPEAR
Riku/Ansem: stands on edge of awesome looking beach full of CRACKS
The Author: See those cracks? That's reality breaking apart because this game makes NO SENSE
Riku/Ansem: I am now totally evil. Let me give my required speech before we dive into one of the longest boss fights in history he does
The Speech: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKNESS
Riku/Ansem: And now I am gonna do further damge to your mind by letting you watch your best friend/unrequited lover/rival's body fade away he does
Sora: ON NOES!!
Donald: Are we even accomlishing ANYTHING at this point?
Ansem: DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS DARK DARKITY DARK DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Sora: yea you need to die
9 HOURS LATER
Ansem: is almost dead but not quite
Sora:drinks Gatorade to stay focused
Door: is suddenly there for NO REASON
Ansem: DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS translation: Kingdom Hearts fill me with 10 more darkness!
Door: uhhh...I'm not Kingdom Hearts...and your not Ansem...shoots out Light
"Ansem": is hit DAMN
Door: HA PWNED
Sora: runs up and tries to shut Door because it is actually the DOOR to DARKNESS
Everyone Playing: WTF THIS MAKES NO SENSE
The Author: Tell me about it is still trying to figure things out YEARS LATER
Sora: can't shut the door
Donald and Goofy: can't shut the door
Speakers: blare Sexy Back
Riku: TIME TO REDEEM MYSELF...and DIE
Sora: but...
Riku: no it's hotter this way...we'll make out in the next game
Sora: closes door in his face Umm ok then
Riku: well you got over that fast...way to stab me int he back man
Everyone Playing: WTF?! They couldn't just close it TOGETHER from the OUTSIDE?!
BUT NOT BEFORE
Mickey: GETS OFF HIS ASS AND FINALLY SHOWS UP with a BETTER, SOLID GOLD KEYBLADE Ok well I've been here this ENTIRE TIME but who cares? Game's over now...I'll explain everything in the 2nd game
People who have played Kingdom Hearts 2: ...
Donald and Goofy: You mean we did all this for NOTHING?!
Kairi: is there
Sora: is there
Donald: ok how the HELL did she get here?
Kairi: starts to fade away
Sora: can't reach the TWO FEET to where she is
Kairi: SOOOOOOOOOOOORA is gone
Destiny Islands: IS BACK
Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie: WE EXIST AGAIN!
Everyone Playing: who are you people again?
Kairi: goes to SECRET PLACE
The Drawing: is still there
Kairi: wait a minute...that's not me!! cries
THE END
Everyone Playing: You mean we did this for NOTHING?! WHAT THE HELL DID WE ACCOMPLISH?!
SoKai and SoRi fans:...so which one of us wins?! OO
EPILOGUE 1: THE FIELD
Sora: is a walkin
Goofy: is a walkin
Donald: is a waddlin
Pluto: APPEARS
Everyone Playing: WTF HOW DOES HE DO THAT?!
A CHASE begins...
EPILOGUE ENDING 2: ANOTHER SIDE, ANOTHER GAME TO SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON
Random Looking Guy: walks around in the Rain and this makes sense because he is wearing a RAINCOAT
Neo Shadows: seep from the ground
Random Guy: pulls out TWO keyblades
Heartless: ATTACK EN MASSE
Random Guy: KICKS SO MUCH ASS THE SCREEN ALMOST EXPLODES
Guy Who Looks Like Riku: stands on building
Giant Tv: displays Kairi
Random Guy: looks up at Guy Who Looks Like Riku
Heartless Symbol: APPEARS
Guy Who Looks Like Riku: removes blindfold AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND...
FADE TO BLACK
A bunch of Meaningless Words: fly by screen so freaking fast it's IMPOSSIBLE to read them
Girl Who Looks Like Kairi But Is Never Explained in Any Kingdom Hearts Game: HOLY CRAP FALLING STAR
THE ACTUAL END
Everyone Playing:...DAMN YOU SQAURE runbs off to buy the second game
Square: counts money while drinking human blood
Disney: sobs in corner
The Author:...yea I scare me too...AND THIS IS THE EDITED VERSION Oo