Title: Surviving Death
Rating: PG
Category: Gen
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Character Study, Drabble
Pairing: None
Warnings: None.
Summary: This is the difference between surviving death and letting it consume you. Ziva POV.
Spoilers: 5x18 - JUDGMENT DAY, MAJORLY.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to DPB, CBS, Paramount, et al. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Notes: The first of what I'm sure will be many post-Judgment Day fics. That episode just has SO much fic potential, I don't know what to do with myself. Gah.
It is not my fault.
It is not my fault.
No matter how I say it, how many times I say it, I know . . .
I can only blame myself. It is because I did not push hard enough, did not force Tony to listen to me, did not trust my instincts.
And now, Jenny is dead.
. . .
That is what I am expected to say in this situation, yes? Yes, I do believe that is what everyone else is thinking about themselves right now, as well.
However, I have never been one to do something just because everyone else is. This situation, yes, it is awful, the worst thing I could have imagined. Jenny was the one who initially put trust in me, the one who brought me to NCIS in the first place. Of course I am feeling saddened by her death.
But that does not mean I am responsible for her death.
You see, this is where I differ from someone like Tony, who will always place blame on himself before anyone else, even if it is not his fault. I know this situation was of Jenny's own making. She was a strong, independent woman, and I cannot imagine that she was coerced into anything. She had a debt to settle and that is what she did.
Yes, it is hard to step aside and look at what happened from a distant, unemotional point-of-view; Jenny was my friend and I cared about her. But self-blame does not help. Looking at the facts is more for survival than anything else. I learned that in Mossad and I continue to use it now. It is not always easy; I am often accused of being cold, heartless, uncaring of what happens. But I do care. Sometimes too much. And that is why I barricade myself from becoming too attached, letting my feelings take control of my mind.
Jenny was a very close friend, someone I truly admired and cared for, and I will allow myself the proper time to grieve, but I will not let her death consume me by telling myself it is my fault that she died. I think she would have found a way to die even if Tony and I had been there.
She went out fighting and managed to take down four men before she took a fatal bullet herself. In my mind, that makes her a heroine. She rid the world of evil, even though it meant dying herself. Yes, she died far too soon, but at least she went out bravely, without any fear of death.
I will say my goodbyes in time, but right now, I just want to hold on to her memory, let it shine through the darkness her absence leaves.
You were a phenomenal woman, Jenny. I'll never forget you.
THE END