squeeishness Another K/M fic! This one is a songfic to Billy Talent's 'Surrender'.
Disclaimer: I don't own Surrender by Billy Talent or Gundam SEED
He didn't know when it had started, sometime before the war. He had gained feelings for his closest female friend, more than someone who was just a friend should feel. But she was taken. She loved someone else, and she was happy with him. But despite that, despite the fact that he knew it would never work out, he couldn't stop thinking about her. Every time he saw her with Tolle he would feel a pang in his heart. Why did he love her? Why couldn't she tell? He felt a deep longing for her. He wanted her to notice her. He thought he loved her, but he wasn't there for here the one time she needed him the most. The one time he had a chance of catching her on a rebound, his only chance, he blew it. Even if it was beyond his control. He couldn't help the fact that he was half a solar system away from her, he still felt like he had let her down.
He had felt a spark of hope when she had been among the first to react to his return, but he had become even more confused. He was in love with two girls at once, both of whom had former relationships with some of his closest friends. It went against all the rules in the unwritten book of friendship. Everybody knew you couldn't date your best friend's ex, even if it had been arranged, or if said friend was dead. He would be betraying the memory. He felt like his heart was an unsolvable puzzle, everytime he thought he had it figured out, something would change and he was sent flying back to square one.
There had been many occasions in which he wanted to pour his heart out to her. He had come so close on more than one occasion, and he was sure he would have done it at some point if he hadn't been interrupted. On the times when he hadn't been interrupted he'd had flashes of what could happen if he did tell her. He valued her friendship, and didn't want to give it up. And not only that, but if he screwed up with her, it would probably wind up with him screwing up with Tolle as well. Did everybody get such confusing emotions, or was it just coordinators? Or just him?
He had often been told that he spoke in his sleep, and he was always worried that he would wind up spilling some important information sometime, and since he and his four friends spent more time sleeping together –well, not together together, but, in the same general area together- that could be especially dangerous. He was confused about what the war had done to their relationship. They had formed an unbreakable bond, but at the same time, had been driven farther apart. They rarely spoke anymore, usually just a nod or a wave while passing in the halls would suffice. He secretly longed for the days that they had laughed together, and shared stupid comments and cracked terrible jokes.
He knew he would never find a girl quite like Miriallia ever again. Lacus was amazing, but in her own way. No matter what happened, Miriallia would always hold a piece of his heart, even is he wasn't able to even touch hers. He wasn't sure if their friendship had turned into love, or if he had loved her from the first time he'd laid eyes on her. Physically she couldn't be described as gorgeous, just average, nothing that would turn heads. But once you got to know her, you would see that she shone from the inside. She was kind and understanding, but knew when to put her own needs ahead of another's. That was probably one of the reasons she hadn't been taken advantage of. Many guys had given her second glances, hoping that she was an insecure human who needed a relationship just to validate her existence, but each and every one of them had been turned down, not wavering even slightly when they expressed their need for her.
When he had returned after the death of Tolle he could see that she had changed. She had grown up. Even during the war she had managed to shield herself from the harsh reality of death, but when Tolle had been killed, she had lost the last of her defenses. She had been brutally exposed to war. And she had received more support from a total stranger than she had from him. If anything, he had made the loss harder on her. She had thought that she had lost two friends instead of just one, and when he had returned, he had re-ignited that spark of hope she had for the return of her love, and he had been the one to shoot her down again. Even when he had lost all hope for a relationship with her, he would wonder if they did have something, since she didn't hate him. She didn't blame him when he blamed himself.
Miriallia had been the one to cure him, to rescue him from the depths of his misery. While Lacus had given him the inspiration to move forward, Miriallia had leant him strength so he could stand. Every time he saw her, he saw a mirror of himself. They had been through so much together, healed the other when they were down, providing a shoulder to cry on. Yet, through all that her feelings for him hadn't changed a bit, or, if they had, she hadn't admitted it. But, as much as he wanted to help her forget, somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that he would really only help her to remember.
A/N: Well, I don't really like how that one turned out, but it's out of my system and on to my computer, so I may as well post it.