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Darkness.
Dull black void that swamped her, enveloped her, threatening to overwhelm her, swallow her into its murky depths.
She struggled for a way out, to find the surface (there must be one right?), an escape, from this place.
Yet another futile attempt.
What is going on??
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Her eyes flickered open and she blinked blearily in the harsh light, gradually adjusting to focus on her surroundings. She was lying in a soft, single bed, supported by plush pillows. Her head felt heavy, and a dull pain throbbed through her. A man stood at the foot of her bed, dressed immaculately, scribbling furiously on a clipboard, staring at her like she was some kind of laboratory experiment. He was flanked by two men she recognized, she realized with a surge of joy. There was Luke, his blond hair tousled in a cute kind of way and his face weary. He caught her eye and grinned, "Good to see you're up." she managed a tiny smile. The other man leaned forward and peered at her concernedly, "Are you all right?"
She stared back at him, her heart thumping heavily in her chest. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words escaped. She gazed at him, taking in his trademark attire, his ruggedly handsome face, his unruly dark hair, his deep, expressive eyes, those lips she had so often dreamt of kissing...but it was just a crush. Well no, it wasn't as fleeting and frivolous as that, it was love. Albeit one-sided. She had very clear feelings for him, but their relationship had rather sadly, been a normal one, between friends, nothing special. He certainly didn't love her, but then why was he here with Luke? She realized acutely that the others were still waiting for a response and she blushed, nodding.
But why was she here in the first place? Her brow furrowed in puzzlement as she scrutinized her surroundings. If I'm not wrong this is the med centre...but why am I here in the first place? What happened? Oof my head hurts...
"You don't remember anything?" Luke asked incredulously, exchanging alarmed glances with Han. Oh great did I just say that out loud??
Biting her lip, she shook her head. "Not much anyway...I mean I know you're Luke and you're Han, " why does my stomach perform some flip-flop thing when I mention him? "And I know who I am and my life so far but that's all."
The doctor glanced at her worriedly, still scrawling notes on his clipboard. I wish he'll stop that, it's making me uneasy. "Do you remember recent events, or just long-term memories?"
Leia shook her head frustratedly, feeling intense pain course through her briefly before subsiding to a dull one. Hot tears pressed against the back of her eyes. I mustn't cry. I mustn't cry. Not in front of Han. "I-I don't know. I don't know what happened! I only remember discussing something with Mon Mothma, I think about the sovereignty of planetary states, in the Senate..."
"Listen, it's natural for you to be..distraught. It hasn't been easy for you. You were on the brink of death--you would've died, frankly speaking, if Solo here didn't pull you out in time. I'll arrange for you to meet a therapist, and -"
"No. No, wait," Leia interrupted vehemently, trying to ignore the pain. "I don't need a therapist, I'm perfectly all right, I--"
"Leia." Han said gently, and Leia's stomach tipped as she glanced at him, into his deep hazel eyes. "You don't remember a lot, maybe this will help you."
"Yeah, Han's right, Leia." Luke added seriously. "You didn't just lose your recent memories, but it seems like a lot of things in between have been wiped out according to Dr Strauss's preliminary examinations."
"Okay." Leia sighed. Then all of a sudden she felt anger rise up inside her. "But I don't want to try to remember! I want to know exactly what happened!" she said loudly, anguished. She covered her face in her hands and sobbed. "It's not fair!"
"Look, Han, we'll leave you two here, okay, try to help her," the doctor said hastily, pushing past them to exit. Luke glanced at Han wordlessly, then patted him on the back and left abruptly.
Why is everyone treating me like I'm crazy? I didn't ask for this; I didn't request for myself to get seriously hurt and suffer from freaking amnesia; I didn't want any of this to happen! And gods, why did they leave me alone with Han...
Han walked over to her in sure strides, and she felt herself stiffen in trepidation. She was suddenly seized with a surge of panic. I don't even know about me and Han!! What if loads happened while I was err...out?? Ohno ohno he's coming nearer...I mean, I have feelings for him, but what if I admitted that once before, and he rejected me? What if we're married and have kids?! How can I live without knowing anything? She was sobbing uncontrollably now. Han took her hand and drew her close to him, she flinched, and stared at him with wide eyes. He stared at her quizzically. As far as she knew, all they did was argue endlessly, and that she actually enjoyed it...She also knew for one that he had never treated her this intimately before. He wrapped his arm around her and she tensed, still sobbing. Haltingly, she rested her cheek against his shoulder and clutched him tightly. Han pressed his lips to her forehead and stroked her hair soothingly," Sweetheart, it's okay..."
Sweetheart? Oh my god this is just too much...why is it he kissed me so naturally, holds me in his embrace with such ease, like we do that all the time? Her sobs subsided . He lifted her chin with his hand and moved nearer to her.
Okay. I think we were pretty close.
His lips landed on hers and he kissed her passionately, his thumb tracing circles lazily on her back. Definitely close.
Leia's mind reeled and she struggled to draw her breath. To her, this was their first kiss, at least that was all she remembered, and he was kissing her with such intensity and passion...she would've done--and would--do anything to have Han kiss her like that, she knew, but this...this was different...this was the first time they kissed...she couldn't take it...
"Don't" She pushed him away from her with all her might, despite her better judgement, breathing heavily. Han stared at her, stunned, and she tried to avert his gaze. His eyes searched her, delved deep into hers, for a reason behind her inexplicable behaviour. He opened his mouth, beginning to say something, but he closed it again, still dazed.
Then she saw realization pass his eyes, and he spoke slowly, as if he didn't want to believe it himself, "Oh Sith. You don't remember." And Leia struggled to contain her tears.
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"How are you?"
"Okay. Not especially good."
"I know," [a pause "It must be very hard for you, not knowing what things were and are like. It's like you're living in utter confusion, completely oblivious to the things that happened and affected the people around you, and now it's hard to cope, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"Have your injuries healed completely?"
"Yes. Most of it, that is."
[A pause
"Well, how are things?"
"Fine."
[Yet another pause
"You can talk to me, you know, as your therapist, what you say here will not be revealed to anyone else."
"I know." [She sighs "I'm sorry. I just...don't feel like talking."
"That's all right, it's completely natural. Maybe next time, then."
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"Leia!" Jeri let out a loud exclamation when she saw Leia outside the door. Leia smiled faintly and Jeri hugged her tightly, laughing. "Oh my god Leia I've been sooo worried about you! But Han was already staying with you everyday so I figured I wouldn't...are you alright?" She peered at Leia anxiously.
Leia nodded, smiling. "Yeah, I guess so...Great to see you again too..."
They walked into her apartment and Jeri disappeared into the kitchen to get her drinks. Leia glanced idly around her...How much do I actually remember? I don't even know how much of my life has disappeared as if nothing had happened at all...A photo frame placed on the table caught Leia's eyes, and she walked towards it curiously. She froze. It was all three of them, grinning at the camera, in swimming costumes. Gosh Han looks great...But what Leia noticed was that Han has his arm around her, bringing her very close to him, and that she was gazing at him, smiling dreamily. "Do you remember the time we took that?" Jeri's voice interrupted her thoughts and Leia spun around. Leia accepted the cup gratefully. She sipped it quietly, glad that it would prevent her from answering..for a while, at least.
"No. I don't remember a lot of things. You know that time Mon Mothma invited the entire Senate to discuss planetary reform? I only remember up till there."
Jeri screwed up her eyes and she tried to recall. "But that's ages ago!" She blurted out, dismayed.
Leia nodded distractedly. What was it like between Han and me?? I need to know...I need to know...I really need to know...
"So will you ever remember, then?"
"I don't know. It really depends." Leia stared into the mug, at the swirling dark embers pensively. "Why did I lose my memory in the first place?"
Jeri looked away, distinctly uncomfortable. "Sorry Leia...I'm not supposed to tell you anything. The doctor said you have to remember everything gradually, naturally. "
"Then can you at least tell me about Han?" Leia implored, her eyes pleading. "This is getting me really muddled up..."
Jeri hesitated for a moment. "You mean you're not sure about you relationship with Han?" At Leia's nod, she led out her breath sharply. "Well this has to be really hard to you two, very awkward I suppose. He's really sweet to you and everything, bringing you out and stuff. You two were really close."
Leia bit her lip, and asked quietly. "What if I don't get my memory back, ever? What am I going to do?"\
"But seriously, if you think about it," Jeri observed thoughtfully. "It wouldn't be that bad after all, if you just accept it."
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"Most likely I won't be able to get my memory back, isn't that right?"
"Well...as a psychologist I don't think so, as it is very rare for people to lose their memory like this, much less regain it." [A pause"However, as you therapist, and your friend, I hope, I think there's a chance. Seriously. It probably sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but if you continue hoping...who knows what will happen."
"No. I want an honest answer, Andrea. I have to know."
"Okayyyyy. Well I don't think so."
"Oh."
[A little flustered "I'm sorry, but you were the one who said you wanted an honest answer, and that's-"
"Nonono, it's okay. It's just..." [Sucks in her breath "Well it's kinda hard, I guess, for me to just accept this..."
"What I meant was that you shouldn't harbour hopeful thoughts as most likely you will be disappointed. Maybe...this is just a thought, but you could consider..."
"What?"
"You could try coping with this gaping hole in your life, and accept it as fate, something that will never be returned to y9ou again.."
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Leia hurried down the corridor, grasping her bag to her as she rushed towards her apartment. Ohno ohno this is not working out well...how was I to know that I need my notes and a video for my next meeting...it's that bloody droid, dunno what's his name, who thought I should know...Leia cursed under her breath as she swept her hair off her face, and winced inwardly. She knew that she really was a sight, with her messy hair that was falling out of her ponytail and over her eyes, the light purple ovals that had appeared under her eyes, due to an immense lack of sleep...in turn due to her work and her thoughts that consumed her. It haunted her, worried her...sometimes she lay in bed for hours, exhausted but unable to sleep, staring expressionlessly at the ceiling, her mind in turmoil. Can I live with this? Can I somehow fill in the missing years with my imagination, thoughts, and speculations? She knew it should not bother her so much, yet she could not help it...
She let out a yelp as she collided with a figure at the corner. It was Han. She took a step back, "Sorry!" why is it that each time I see him, I feel all nervous and excited inside? Why is it the mere thought of him can make me grin? Does he feel the same way?
"It's okay." he smiled, and Leia thought she would melt with pleasure. "Where're you off to?"
Leia tucked her hair behind her ear and tried to look calm and composed. "I have a meeting with Mon Mothma, in-" she glanced at her data pad and felt a sinking feeling in her stomach, "five minutes ago."
Han laughed. "Well, cancel it then."
He must be kidding. "No I can't and why should I?"
He leaned against the door frame. "Firstly, you look tired and stressed, you haven't been sleeping well, very obviously, and you need a break; I bet you haven't had your lunch yet, and you haven't had a proper meal in days, and by that I mean sitting down with a main course and drinks and using forks and spoons and taking around an hour; you'll be late by 20 minutes by the time you get there, and you know Mon Mothma totally despises people who are late, so you might as well not go, and come for lunch with me."
Leia remained silent.
Han smirked and said dreamily," Han's two minds are battling out...fun or boring? A totally gorgeous guy or a rambling old lady? Rest, or-"
"Leia knows full well what she ought to do." Leia cut in, smiling enigmatically. Han stared at her waiting for her to continue.
"And Leia doesn't care." she grinned as a look of realization crossed Han's face and he laughed.
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Leia could totally understand how she (supposedly) became so close and intimate, with Han of all people. Up to the point she remembered, the impression he gave her was that of a good-looking, charming, funny, cocky guy...and she had enjoyed talking to him. A lot. Even though their sole form of communication at that time was through heated words and hastily hurled objects.
"Leia, I meant to ask you..." Han spoke as they walked down the street. "How much do you remember?"
Leia tried to quell the nervousness rising up inside her. "Uh...I think I lost around two years." she tried to sound nonchalant.
"You seem to be taking it pretty well." Han remarked, glancing sideways at her.
"Yeah well, I know I most probably won't be getting it back anyway anytime soon so instead of wallowing in self-pity I think accepting it is decidedly a better option."
"Women are not supposed to be so strong." Han said mock-seriously.
Leia glanced at him and slapped him playfully. "Hey!" she pretended to be indignant, but couldn't stop the smile from appearing on her face. Han just laughed, then wrapped his arm around her and pulled her along with him. Leia grinned. "So where do we usually go fort lunch?"
"There." Han said solemnly, pointing. Leia saw it was a dimly lit seedy bar with skimpily-dressed bargirls tottering around. Leia tried not to look alarmed. He's not serious, is he?! Han noticed the look on her face and laughed, clearly amused.
"Han!"
"Okayyy okay your worship. Not to worry I'll bring you to the correct place...honestly I'm insulted. What do you take me for?" Han asked jokingly.
Leia simply smiled sweetly, moving nearer to him. I thought it would be awkward between us...but everything's going alright...and Han is just so understanding and everything...
"Oh wait I meant to say, if you've lost two years, then we'll pretend all the things between us never happened, okay? And we can just take it from there."
"Of course." Leia smiled. And she pretended not to be affected at all by his words; inside, she was delighted.
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"I can't possibly have like that!" Leia hissed at Han over the menu as she watched another diner wolf down a strange dish she did not recognize. It looked repulsive, and she had absolutely no idea what it was...she could just see little blue strands and yellow round balls and some white powdery thing in a dark brown thick sauce.
"You loved it!" Han insisted.
"I couldn't have!" she protested, unable to hide the look of repulsion on her face as she glanced back at the Twi'lek.
"But you did anyway!" Han grinned. "You know, I never understood why you liked it either..."
"Well I don't believe you." Leia stated obstinately, ignoring Han's smirk and scanning through the menu for an alternative. "I'll have..." she randomly let her eyes settle on a particular dish. "The clondra burger with dara rolls in mushroom thick broth."
"Okay anything you want. But let me warn you, even though you most probably won't listen anyway, your highness: you can't stand it." Han commented nonchalantly.
"Is this another trick?" I glared at Han mock-threateningly.
"Oh for goodness' sakes, sweetheart! Don't listen if you want." He said, pretending to be exasperated. "Honestly, why would I lie to you? For one, I'm taking you on a date, right, and as the very fine gentleman I am," Leia snorted, "I naturally wouldn't do such a thing. And what is it to me anyway..."
"Your extreme amusement and satisfaction?"
"Hmm. Good point." Han grinned.
Leia narrowed her eyes and glanced back at the menu. "But it looks so appetizing here!"
Han straightened up in his seat. "Well do you know what they do to the pictures? They resize it so it looks a lot more, then add little bits of colour here and there, water glistening on the fruit, maybe, then..."
"Seriously, Han!" Leia rolled her eyes and set the menu down primly. "I'm having the burger."
Han shrugged concomitantly. "Anything you want, princess," he smiled lopsidedly at her.
They chatted for a while while waiting, which Leia thoroughly enjoyed. It's like he's trying to pick me up...but hey, I've definitely got nothing against his methods of flirting...I'm just glad I'm not stuck in a conference room with Mon Mothma and all those tight-faced senators... Leia felt a twinge of guilt. Oh this is really proper etiquette huh, Leia, just great...anyway it's too late...I'm just making excuses actually haha...
"Well look there's your wonderful dish!" Han exclaimed in wonder sarcastically. Leia glanced up, involuntarily wrinkling her nose as the steaming plate was set up in front of her, but she hurriedly regained her composure when she spotted Han looking at her with his classic I-told-you-so look that Leia found incredibly infuriating. She picked up her fork, prodding tentatively at a mysterious chunk in the roll. Han was chewing his food, watching her with great amusement. She poked at it, the jabbed it bravely, and took a bite. It tastes all right...wait. Now it doesn't, ugggghhhhh. What's that bitter tinge to the bun? Why does it feel slimy? Eew and I don't think I can chew through the meat---it has to be the most overcooked patty ever! Leia couldn't help the look of distaste from appearing on her face and Han choked, laughing.
"So is it as 'overcooked, tough, gooey, and weird' as last time?" Han raised his eyebrows. Leia averted her eyes and nodded sheepishly, a blush spreading to her cheeks.
"I would think so, but technically I wouldn't know."
"Nice to see you haven't changed." Han ate a forkful of his food, which looked delicious to Leia. "What do you want? Just choose something else." He handed her the menu.
Leia smiled gratefully, but set the menu on top of her napkin. "So what do you recommend, hotshot?"
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"I did not!" Leia exclaimed indignantly. They were on their way to Han's speeder, with Han's hand circling her waist casually and Han giving her a very detailed and animated account of what she did when she was drunk at the bar with them at Coruscant's Celebration Night.
"You did! Then you went to this huge guy sitting near us, then straddled him and drank his drink while licking your lips and looking at him with smoky..."
"I did not do that!" Leia protested.
"Well you wouldn't remember anyway." Han said flippantly.
"Well fine." Leia saw that they were in front of the speeder already, and felt her heart lurch, in what, she had no idea.
"Thanks, Han...for today." Leia said awkwardly, stopping to face him.
"Sure princess."
There was a brief silence, and then Han rested his hands on Leia's hips, pulling her closer. She looked up at him, surprised. He was looking at her questioningly and in response she edged closer to him, feeling dazed. His lips were so close to hers, and she felt an irresistible urge to close the gap between them...
"Sweetheart, would this be our first?" Han whispered.
Leia swallowed, trying to calm herself. She simply nodded, not trusting her mouth to speak.
"Don't worry, it'll be good." Han assured her cockily, a slight smile settling on his lips. Leia smiled at the reassuring familiarity of his trademark confidence. He dipped his head lower, and his lips brushed gently against hers. A swooping sensation flowed through her, and she pressed herself against him, her blood rushing in her ears. He was pinning her against the wall with his hands, and at that moment his hand released her shoulder and came to grasp her hand tenderly as his lips moved imperceptibly against hers. She closed her eyes, and let pleasure and warmth traverse slowly over her...
Later on, she sat in her seat, her hands folded serenely on her lap, looking forward. Han stepped in, and she glanced in front as Han turned on the engine, and the rain continued thundering down on the front mirror. As Leia watched, Han flicked on the wipers, and they swept across the screen, bringing with them water that had fanned across. After a while, little round droplets of water started to collect again, and once again it repeated the same motion...Leia stared out, brooding.
Is it possible that what had happened all that time be swept out of my mind so swiftly, so cleanly, with such ease? And can I forget about it, and go on with my life in the same manner? It's gonna be hard, and do I possess the strength and perseverance it requires? She took a deep breath, stilling herself, and smiled optimistically.
She might not remember, but she could trust. She could believe. She could forget all that happened, all that she missed, and just go on with her life. She could accept this loss as her fate, and be glad that for her and Han, they were given a fresh beginning.
Anyway, what more could she possibly want, with the man of her dreams trying to woo her all over again?
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Light.
This time it was light, light that materialized in front of her, light that glowed with dazzling brilliance, light that flooded every field of her vision. And it was bright, white light.
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